KaylaAndy, thanks!

The more important question is what to do with the answer. How is it going to affect your relationship with your child? Do you want it to affect your relationship? Because it will, regardless of the outcome. Are you trying to punish your wife with the answer? Because just running the test will. Do you just want to pursue someone else for the money it cost for your to raise your child? Good luck with that one.

What do you want/need to know? This late in the game?

"What do you want/need to know? This late in the game?"

The truth.

The best decisions are made when the truth is known.

Also he may not want to do anything to change his current life. However finally knowing the truth can let him leave the truth in the past.

BH triggering about the DNA will never allow a marriage to fully recover.

TR - you've never had an OC situation at any level of your life, unless I missed something in your posts up til now.

Here's the things. Truth is truth. He already knows all the truth that matters.

Here's another truth. The impact on a little girl. Girls need daddies. Good daddies safeguard them from bad potential boyfriends and help improve a girl's choice in boyfriends because she has a good solid father figure in her life who she can turn to for the kind of unconditional love that only a parent can give a child.

Without this frame of reference, a girl gets lost and becomes a target for bad boyfriends who will exploit their vulnerability.

NQD needs to be the grownup here. There are some truths that will not be known in this life. And other unknown truths that don't matter to the big picture and if truth of this kind becomes known, it twists the big picture into an alternate reality - something it didn't need to become - something hurtful and yet another life destroyed because of an affair - and thus it will go to the third and fourth generation if the biblical phrase is considered. If he seeks truth in that realm, his daughter will become a victim of the affair in a way that was not part of the bigger picture.

Knowledge cannot help but cause that twisting. If NQD thinks he's vulnerable by not knowing then he's vulnerable to destroying this little girl's life by knowing. It's the same character defect - a lack of protection for the innocent.

If NQD can overcome his "need to know", then he can go forward as a father knowing he's made a choice for the good of that little girl. He becomes a father to her in a new way. His love for her increases, his protection of her takes on a new maturity. She is already doomed to be hurt by her mother's behavior. That's in her DNA. But NQD has the opportunity to also send her a life-long message that she was loved and adored because she is herself; because he intentionally chose to "not know" the truth about her parentage because he already knew what mattered to him was that she is his daughter. If SHE wants to know later, if that matters, NQD will be able to go with her, now having empathy for her choice - does she choose to be his daughter without needing to know because that's all that matters anyway? Or will she make the Gamma choice?

That's for the future. But if NQD has done his part, there will never be a question that this little girl has the right father in her life.

***edit****

Thank you Kayla,

I could never state it as well, with the surety of knowledge with which you have lived. My gut and my heart know that this is the best approach if he wants to continue to have the best relationship with his daughter. Knowing that he is her dad no matter what anyone or anything else might say is a tremendous gift that he gives her.

FTS

**applause** KA, what an absolute blessing you are!

FTS,

what to do with the answer. How is it going to affect your relationship with your child? Do you want it to affect your relationship?

Noticing the similarities has already affected me, if he is not mine then I have a right to know. He has a right to know his true genetic heritage as well.

Are you trying to punish your wife with the answer? Because just running the test will.

No just getting the facts, people have differing interpretation of the personal version of the statute of limitations.

What do you want/need to know? This late in the game?

I just noticed a few weeks ago this is very fresh! I guess Bernard Madoff should only be prosecuted for his crimes of the last year or two.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma: Are you trying to tell us that you lived with your son for 20 years, and you just now a few weeks ago started noticing similarities between him and the OM? How is that even possible?

Writer1,

Perhaps you won't believe this but I never looked with a suspect eye. This was one of the few times I saw him with his glasses off, I wasn't even looking for this, it just hit me, I HOPE I'm WRONG.

There is also the fact that some faces mature later than others, and I have never seen, even photos, of the OM in childhood.

It's not a bad thing to trust people until proven wrong is it?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, I will be praying for your marriage. This is going to be extremely hard on your WIFE and SON. You should really seek the advice of Dr. H.

VERY important facts pertaining to this discussion.

�Here's the things. Truth is truth. He already knows all the truth that matters.�


If he knew the truth he wouldn�t have to have a DNA test done.

�Here's another truth. The impact on a little girl. Girls need daddies. Good daddies safeguard them from bad potential boyfriends and help improve a girl's choice in boyfriends because she has a good solid father figure in her life who she can turn to for the kind of unconditional love that only a parent can give a child.�


So because the OM is not a good role model this BH has to? Having a suitable role model is the WW�s problem. BH volunteering is not the same as being guilted into the job.

�Without this frame of reference, a girl gets lost and becomes a target for bad boyfriends who will exploit their vulnerability.�


Lay this guilt trip on the WW and the Bio Dad.

�NQD needs to be the grownup here. There are some truths that will not be known in this life. And other unknown truths that don't matter to the big picture and if truth of this kind becomes known, it twists the big picture into an alternate reality - something it didn't need to become - something hurtful and yet another life destroyed because of an affair - and thus it will go to the third and fourth generation if the biblical phrase is considered. If he seeks truth in that realm, his daughter will become a victim of the affair in a way that was not part of the bigger picture.�


Not necessarily so what will happen in OC/DD�s life.
Going against MB principle that only the BH/BW gets to decide what they need to know about the affair.

Who died and left you Dr Harley to change the fact that it is the BH�s right to control what questions he needs answered?

�If NQD thinks he's vulnerable by not knowing then he's vulnerable to destroying this little girl's life by knowing.�

His WW and OM�s affair destroyed this child. This BH has done nothing wrong.


�If NQD can overcome his "need to know", then he can go forward as a father knowing he's made a choice for the good of that little girl. He becomes a father to her in a new way. His love for her increases, his protection of her takes on a new maturity. She is already doomed to be hurt by her mother's behavior. That's in her DNA. But NQD has the opportunity to also send her a life-long message that she was loved and adored because she is herself; because he intentionally chose to "not know" the truth about her parentage because he already knew what mattered to him was that she is his daughter. If SHE wants to know later, if that matters, NQD will be able to go with her, now having empathy for her choice - does she choose to be his daughter without needing to know because that's all that matters anyway? Or will she make the Gamma choice?�


Many a BH found out that they were not the BioDad, BD and still were a great dad to the OC.

Road: There's a problem with your logic here. The fact is, NQD has known about the A all along and the fact that this girl may not be his biological daughter, and for the past 13 years, he seems to have been okay with taking on the responsibility of being her father. He's already "volunteered" to assume that role in this child's life, and he doesn't mention being "guilted" into the job.

No one is suggesting that he's done anything wrong. In fact, I think he did a very noble thing by stepping up and being a father to his daughter and realizing that biology plays such a small part in it all. He made this choice a long time ago, and I do think it would be very damaging to his daughter for him to suddenly decide now, after 13 years of raising her, that he has to know something that obviously wasn't that important for him to know when she was younger and the test could have been done much more easily without causing her any sort of emotional or psychological distress.

He accepted this child into his life and raised her as his own daughter for 13 years, and he did it knowing full-well that she might not be biologically related to him. He's stated that a DNA test would not affect his relationship with his daughter or the way he feels about her. So why subject a 13-year-old girl to something like this if it isn't going to change anything anyway?

Suspects and knowing for a fact are not the same thing.

Agreed. DNA does not make a parent. We all know that. Kids get adopted. Step parents raise kids. He loves this girl and he has no idea what this would potentially do to her at this point. If he wants to raise the issue when she is an adult who can consent to the DNA test, then fine. But why now when she is most vulnerable?

And they weren't the same thing 13 years ago when he initially decided that it didn't really matter either. So, I will repeat, why subject a 13-year-old girl to something that could be so potentially damaging to her psyche and sense of self-identity at an age when she is most vulnerable? He's waited 13 years. Waiting until she's an adult and more capable of dealing with this revelation seems like a much wiser decision for everyone involved.

All,

DNA does not make a parent.

Sometimes the genetic differences are palpable however and make the child a black sheep.

Adoption, Step parenting and sperm donation are not the same as these are concentual forms of raising or conceiving kids.

If he wants to raise the issue when she is an adult who can consent to the DNA test, then fine. But why now when she is most vulnerable?

Might be too late by then, the biological father, biological grandparents etc could be dead. No one should have to visit their Mothers' grave like I did never having a recollection of having met her in person and relying on other peoples description of her.

The other wild card here is who, what, where, etc is OM. Is he a relative etc.

There is no good time, my view on these kind of issues is that the damage is proportional to the length of time the lie has been concealed. (years) X (seriousness of lie) = damage, your equations may vary.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma: Your DNA argument makes no sense. I have 5 kids, all biologically related to me, and every single one of them are different and unique. We share a genetic link, but some of them have personalities that are much easier for me to get along with than others, some of them look more like me than others. I love them all equally, regardless of our differences or similarities. And many families have a "black sheep" that is biologically related to both parents.

NQD did have a choice. He knew from the very beginning that his daughter may not be biologically his, and he decided 13 years ago that it didn't matter and he was going to raise her as his own daughter regardless of her biology. He CHOSE to be her father. He could have asked for the DNA test then and decided to walk away if he found out she wasn't his. That would have been his right and I don't think anyone would have faulted him for that. But it would be very wrong for him to walk away now after raising this child as his own for so many years. And, he's expressly stated that he would never do that, no matter what the results of the DNA test said.

I also didn't see anything in any of his posts indicating that the reason he wants to get the DNA test is so that his daughter would be able to meet the OM if he does turn out to be the biological father. This girl is still a minor, and it would be very unwise for them to attempt to track down the OM before she is an adult. This could open up a whole new can of worms in terms of custody and visitation issues.

W1,

NQD did have a choice. He knew from the very beginning that his daughter may not be biologically his, and he decided 13 years ago that it didn't matter and he was going to raise her as his own daughter regardless of her biology.

This is a perspective WWs don't seem to get, they think men are robust and just get over things, when a man just absorbs the trauma and goes quiet it turn him into a time bomb.

Men brood, men internalize their pain since there is nobody they can reveal or confide in. So I doubt he felt he had a choice back then, or perhaps he felt constrained to equally ugly choice without much advantage to any one of them.

The weight of maintaining appearances is heavy and grows with time.

God Bless
Gamma

It does not matter why he needs the truth. He needs it he should get it.

Again letting others control what the BS should know. So Wrong

As to walking out on OC/DD would be painful for her.

There have been many BS's that have tried recovery only after years have to walk away because the burden was more then they could carry. That is their right.

Sure there will be more pain if that was to happen. But that is the WW's and OM's place to administer the care needed to the OC. It was their affair that caused this pain not the BH.

This child has been lied to because of the WW. If there will be anything to fix it will be her problem because it was her lies.