Her radar detected unusual emotional activity. And she was right, wasn't she? Confirm her feelings. Be honest. Let her know that you have some trouble with that aspect of her affair. Do this lovingly and without blame - the time for that is past. You're in the healing portion of the program now. Give her the opportunity to help you heal.

You can even mention why you are triggered, and that you are concerned with her stress issues anyways.

Keep working at that and I know its a toughie, because you want to get over it, but MB is right, its part of your healing.

I would do something romantic if you could then also, favorite comfort food, movie or dinner, and any activity that could be light for you guys. You know what builds love between you.

Caring for her stress and health is important so don't let that pass at any rate.

JMO

Thanks, y'all, I'll take your ideas to heart. It's good to bounce things off others.

...and just writing it out kind of helped, too.

ITA, let her know. You know, that plane ticket could actually be a whole charter, I am sure you can make a tour outta it, and there would be a lotta BSs here who would know some people who could "win" a seat.

Funny how writing it out help eh? Good instincts, you need to follow them.

North - keep going forward. You're doing great!

I agree also... Gotta tell her. Your feelings are very important, and bottling them up is what got you into this mess in the first place, remember?

What I wouldn't give to have your problem....LOL

nw- you are doing great! just a trigger and put on top of it your concern for her while she was going thru it. i have gotten them recently after 20 years (3 in the past 3 mos.) stress yes, not only stress related, what did she eat. and i am NOT this person but a full moon and whats her cycle?

3 days is a long time have her get something so she doesnt have to do it for that long and you dont have to feel that way.

tell her how you feel and see an MD to help her pain.

btw- move already to recovery

i am.

No more cycles until spring of next year.



She was on a prescription for them, seemed to do fairly well but, I tell you, ending the affair is what really ended the headaches. She went from having those things every two or three weeks to nothing at all. There was that much of a difference.

So when she got another one, it just blipped my radar. But, being pregnant, she's been off all her meds for about a month. Surprisingly, she's done really well. Go figure, huh.

I just sometimes am afraid that I missed something, didn't learn something, that something got swept under the rug and that all this could happen again. But I haven't seen or heard anything that would make me suspicious, I just *am* sometimes.

We both agreed that 2010, save for a day or so, generally blew chunks. She commented that the end (marriage today) was worth getting to, but the path to it just wasn't worth living. Or something like that.

We rarely talk about the affair, but I'd say it pops into my head every day. I wonder if she still thinks about the a-hole, that's the kind of crap that pops into my head.

My eblaster subscription ended, so they don't email me the reports anymore but I can get them directly off her computer. I keep the cell phone thing as well. But I wonder if those things are a trigger now as well.

Wow, this was rambling. Good to hear from you chickadee. Did y'all find Maggie's "Lousy" seafood place?

You just ask to get your thread moved, right?

ITA - get over there, North

But DON'T abandon this forum! You know that we have new posters coming daily, and they need guidance. Please help them.

i am gone within seconds. i wrote a thank you and all but my typing stinks so it took me some time, they are quick!

see you on the other side.

we will chat there!

woo hooo!

I am glad you made the jump!

Welcome!

Had to respond to this...while A-thoughts pop into my head pretty much on a daily basis, despite ongoing recovery, my H says he rarely thinks of the OW or of the A. The times he thinks of it are when we are enjoying a pleasant time together. He says he always thinks how much more wonderful this all would have been if he'd not committed adultery and done the whole "soul mate" crap.

I keep hoping that in time I will be like some of the long time posters who say they go for days without thinking of the A and the AP. Boy, won't that be a relief? I still have to actively push that b&&ch out of mind during sex. Gotta hate that.

Oh, and congratulations for being on the recovery journey!

I guess the "bright side" would be that I don't think of the a-hole every minute of the day like I did, say, 6-months to a year ago.

So that has to be progress, right?

And thanks for the welcome, I appreciate it!

Dr. Harley's advice is that once all the facts about the affair are known, never bring it up again. It just subtracts Love Units from your account in her heart every time you do, and also brings the past into the present.

Forum posters often have different advice, but the Doctor's advice is to not mention it once all the facts are known. If your spouse clues in that you're feeling down, you can allude to why or ask for their support while you deal with some tough emotions, but don't bring up the affair specifically again.

Sounds counter-intuitive, but I can attest that this works. It stops the affair from occupying my present and keeps it safely in the past.

For the first year after D-day, I thought of the affair every single day.

For the second year, it only occurred to me once or twice a week.

Now that I'm in the third year, I only think of it when I post on the forums or when I get triggered. For instance, the other day I was cleaning out my old desk at work (we opened a new facility) and ran across some chat logs between FWW and OM. I read a few of them and triggered pretty badly. When I got home, my wife almost instantly clued in that I was down, and I simply told her I'd encountered some items that triggered both good and bad memories and was feeling down.

Radical Honesty has a few exceptions. They are:

• If you've snooped and found your spouse was cheating, your snooping techniques and the fact you snooped are exempt from RH. Once an affair has entered the picture you have this exemption; if you snoop and don't find an affair, you should be radically honest about it.
• Your feelings about the affair once all the facts are known. Don't bring it up ever again; deal with the feeling, not with the events (because they've already been dealt with).
• Your thoughts about others. Radical Honesty is honesty about YOURSELF, not other people. So if your wife asks "do these jeans make my butt look big?", the correct answer is not "No, your huge butt makes your jeans look big."!!! A more appropriate answer might be "I'm not enthusiastic about those jeans." Your spouse needs to know your thoughts, dreams, plans for the future, history, emotions, etc. Basically they need information so that they can make fully-informed decisions to make your marriage better. What your spouse doesn't need is any of the Enemies of Good Conversation.

Without triggers around the memorys fade in time. Rebuilding on the ashes helps also. We are dealing with the subconsious mind and shes a B*&$tch.

At first we are flattened as we can't stop thinking about it, then in time it goes away untill maybe something triggers it like DNM.

Yes RH about yourself..will bringing up the past serve any positive purpose? As long as all the EPs are in place, and there is no reason for suspicion, its all in your head.

But keeping up the romance, and being afraid of losing your spouse, is not a bad thing to live with either, as we are jealous by nature. A good thing would be to fight off those feelings, by romancing your wife, whenever you feel the spectre of the A coming around for a visit.

Of course this gesture is for you, and telling her that you were jealous because of the A, defeats the purpose for her. She just wants to know you love her.

After all, if there was never an affair, wouldn't it still be a great thing to know your prized? There are allways wolves at the door

Doormat and CP-

That's pretty much the conclusion I came to and I didn't bring it up. I realized I wasn't really seeking anything from her, wouldn't get anything out of it and didn't see the need to bring the guy into her memory.

We had a good evening so it worked out just fine.

I think just hashing it out here did the trick.

@Northwood8900: Yep, hashing it out on the forums helps a lot. Particularly with "why" questions... most of them can be easily explained using the Love Bank model and Extraordinary Precautions. That's part of why I am a zealot about the Harley mothodology now... because it works and works so well compared to everything else I've seen so far.

And it works equally well for the betrayer and betrayed, or to keep betrayal from ever entering your marriage.