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He's scared he is really going to lose you. He's trying to reel you back in.

Stay strong. Breathe. Be calm. You can make it through this.

You're afraid because a big change is coming. You're coming to that fork in the road, you know which path you wanna take and who ISN'T gonna be with it when you take it.

You aren't a rabbit. You're the fox - you're gonna out smart him.


Me & DH: 28
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Originally Posted by iamwhole
OMG!

I just got to work about 30 min ago. I'm just getting settled in. He calls me when I am checking in to ask me to marry him! I am having one of the longest anxiety attacks I have had yet. Of course the answer is no, I just don't understand where this intense fear is coming from.

He is scheduled in a couple hours and I am a scared little rabbit to see him.
Keep reminding yourself why you called it quits. Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it every time you even think about taking him back.
He called you and asked you to marry him? You know why. He didn't even give it a full try. Think about it, if he really wanted to marry you and was truly sorry and committed he would have made a stronger effort to express his commitment. No ring, no flowers no thought out romantic plan? You are only worth a phone call to him. Well, at least it wasn't an e-mail or a text. MrRollieEyes You deserve better. Thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him.


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Originally Posted by iamwhole
I am having one of the longest anxiety attacks I have had yet. Of course the answer is no, I just don't understand where this intense fear is coming from.

He is scheduled in a couple hours and I am a scared little rabbit to see him.
Your fear and anxiety are perfectly normal. You will have to walk through your fear. I remember way back when I was younger I was in a long term relationship. I suspected he had cheated, he did barely enough to keep me on the hook. He even asked me to marry him. The relationship lasted 4 years, we were engaged for 2 of those years. I did finally end the relationship and he did everything he could to win me back. (Including faking he had leukemia) I went through all the emotions you are going through. What helped me was keeping busy with friends. What made the process longer and more painful was keeping contact with him. You have to cut off all ties with him. Looking back I now know the relationship lasted years longer than it should have. I met my husband about 2 years later. I needed that time for me and I am glad I had it.


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Okay, okay, I'm getting my grips. Whew!

The audacity! A phone call. At my work!

Thanks for the fox thought and the rubberband trick. I'm not using the rubberband as suggested. Instead, I think "his name" hurts! snap! Sure enough wink

I'm asking for point blank advise now. Please know how much I appreciate you all!

I never let out all my sources of info when I first confronted in Nov. I have email print outs saying "I can't wait to see you" before his out of town trips and phone records showing he was in the town she lives in not the town he was supposed to be in. I also found a very lusty love poem by another friend he says he never had sex with. It is dated 3 years before we met, it's the fact of another lie that I take issue with.

Anyhow, he never admitted to the affair to begin with. I know, I know, I did it all wrong. It was before I found you.

Should I show him the documentation? It will reveal that I have his email and cell phone statement passwords.

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@ suamico: I know about the dragging it out thing. That's why after 2 weeks, what is left goes on Craigslist. I don't need him dropping by to pick things up he intentionally leaves behind.

Last edited by iamwhole; 08/20/10 03:35 PM.
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Quote
Should I show him the documentation? It will reveal that I have his email and cell phone statement passwords.


Why? I thought you were running away as fast as your little legs will carry you.

Are you done or not? If you are, you need to block ALL communications with him. If you aren't, then good luck to you.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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It wont matter now, he knows all the lying and cheating he has done but it wont change a thing, he will still DENY DENY DENY!

You are way better off with out this man, he's been married 3 times? Ya that would be an automatic RED FLAG for me laugh

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I am running and he is in hot pursuit!

He has a housefull of things at my place and a pet. That's why I gave the 2 weeks. I don't see how it can be over TODAY!

He will also be in to work in about an hour. I'm willing to quit if I have to.

I'm just trying to be smart. Thanks again all!

Last edited by iamwhole; 08/20/10 03:40 PM.
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Originally Posted by iamwhole
I never let out all my sources of info when I first confronted in Nov. I have email print outs saying "I can't wait to see you" before his out of town trips and phone records showing he was in the town she lives in not the town he was supposed to be in. I also found a very lusty love poem by another friend he says he never had sex with. It is dated 3 years before we met, it's the fact of another lie that I take issue with.


No point. There is nothing to say. Anything you bring up will give him the thought that he can 'explain' and 'reason' his way back in. You confronting him only provides him an opportunity to argue and gaslight you - to try to persuade.

There is no persuading. You are done. Thus, no point in bringing it up. You don't need to explain yourself to him. You don't need to give him a chance to explain.

Tell him it is over, you're done, you have no interest in pursuing a relationship with a man who thinks so little of you and treats you as he does.

Stick hard to that 2 week deadline.

Disentangling after living together is difficult. Hold your ground.


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Thanks Vibrissa! Good stuff.

I don't mean to lean so heavily, I just don't feel like I can think straight.

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No worries - lean away, sometimes you can't trust the thoughts in your own head, cuz you're too close to the issue. It's wise to lean on the counsel of others who are removed from the situation.


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Work is going better than expected. Only a few casual encounters.

May I go off topic while I am thinking about this?

Anytime I am stressed like I was today, and yesterday for that matter, I emit this sour odor. It's in my skin, all over. It's embarrassing. I first noticed it around D-day. It returns every time I have had a trigger and agian now.

What is this?

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He had to come by after work to walk the dog, of course.

I asked him if he thought it would be fair for him to find another place for his "stuff" within 2 weeks. I get "I don't know, I will try". I ask what would prevent him from getting a storage unit by 2 weeks. Before he can use cost as an obstacle I interupted with "they are only $55". He only sighs so I ask again. He looks at me with those pleading eyes and answers with "help", like he hasn't a friend in the world. I said, "I'll help". He got mad and left. I'm gonna help by rounding up some of his friends. I refuse to move a thing. I feel like it's cleaning up his mess.

Thanks for getting me through today. See you in 2 weeks!

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Generalities are really just, well, general, but...since most people wear their best "faces" before they get married, and unmask afterwards, I'd run like crazy from a man for whom this behavior is his "best face." You're very wise.

tl

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iamwhole,

He asked you to marry him because:

1. This is what he believes you want.
2. This is a carrot he can dangle in front of you that will buy him some time.
3. This will distract you from what the REAL PROBLEM IS - which is HIS CHEATING.
4. He believes that if you are focused on being engaged, it will make his ability to cheat easier because you will forget about the OW for a little while at least. You will now focus on getting....a ring, talking about the engagement, calling your friends....and he looks good....at least for a bit.
5. He believes that right after the engagement things wears off, he can distract you again with thinking about setting a date for a marriage he knows will never happen because




he will delay it


he will insist on moving somewhere
or
buying a house that he can never decide on
or
thinking about getting married "when you have enough saved up"
or
that date won't work because the potato harvest in oklahoma ....


DO YOU GET IT?????


The marriage thing is garbage.


It is his way of throwing

HIMSELF A LIFE PRESERVER.

It has nothing to do with you.


Ask his first wife, or second wife, or third wife....pick a number.



Or, ask his first other woman, or his second other woman, or third....

PICK A NUMBER.


I hope you are beginning to see a pattern here.


He is currently wearing the "best face of the day", because this is a man who wears whatever face works for HIM.


If you marry him, you will be back here in less than one month, complaining that he never even quit the affair during your engagement.

I will have no sympathy for you then. Because you would have walked in with your eyes completely open.

YOU KNOW THIS ALREADY.

Do not second guess your decision to run away from him. Because running back to him is like choosing to run head on into a speeding train.

You will lose.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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iamwhole,

Ok, I will admit to being very very frustrated reading your thread. I will also admit that I am a male and that I am in my 60's and have seen quite a bit in my time. Phew, breath in, breath out...there I feel better.

So admitting to all of this let me ask you:

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??????

Seriously, you are dating a serial cheater, a serial liar, and you feel sad???? You are the luckest woman on this planet and you feel sad????

iamwhole, you are NOT whole if you think this man is worth your time or your life. Your life would be better spent by yourself than in the pain and deceit he will bring into your life. You are just another foolish female in an apparent long line of foolish females for him.

I am soooo frustrated with you because I have known guys like this all of my life and they are worthless users of people all they do is spread misery to other people while they use them for their own satisfaction and when they are finished...they leave.

Please, please wake up and realize that your life is worth more than this useless jerk.

Please do some reading on boundaries and specifically your boundaries. There is a book by Cloud and Townsend on Boundaries that you should read.

Listen to the other folks here if you don't believe me, but get rid of this guy now!

God Bless,

JL

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Please listen to JL.

Separate from him, and grieve the loss of who he should have been BUT NEVER WILL BE.

Then work on you. YOU deserve it.


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Vibrissa, I thank you again about your reference to the fox. It is what got me through this week of one attempted manipulation after another.

I'm avoiding him like the plague. I do not answer his calls or return them. He has left message after message after message. I see him at work and that can't be helped.

So. Last night after work, he comes by to walk his dog and pack a box. I'm not home. He leaves a sweet little poem for me on the kitchen table and I see the moron has forgotten his cell phone by the computer. Perfect. I would like to delete all pictures of me anyway. While I am there. I find texts, pictures, and videos, to and from OW, all very seductive, if you get my drift, and picture texts of an unknown nude woman.

I was a little bit cocktailed and decide I wanted revenge. I email his mom to let her know what I found and that I will be forwarding the pictures to her. I said before that God loves me. I accidently deleted her cell number from my phone when he was calling from her house. By the time I realized I could just forward them from his phone (duh) I think better of it. It really was mean spirited and I am glad for the intervention.

However, there was the email and she confronted him. He confessed to me today, and told me that I was not crazy, and he was very sorry. I accepted his apology and told him his friend would be over at 9AM to move his things out. Also, the storage rental has space available. He was truly amazed that everthing was all set.

The company I work for is going out of business in four days. I am making arrangements to move to the south to be with my widowed father. Talk about moving on.

I have recommended you to my 3 married children as a preventive measure in sustaining a healthy relationship. Who knows maybe I will see you around sometime on the happier boards. Love you!

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Send the creep a no contact letter before you leave. Change your cell number ASAP.

Change your email.

And if you ever get a snail-mail letter from him, simply write "refused" on the front of it, do not open it, and place it back in your mailbox for the mail carrier to take back.

He sounds like the type who cannot (and will not) ever believe that a woman might not want his sorry butt. You walking away because he is a cheater has him stymied. He is used to dating doormats.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Most recent D-day Fall 2005
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You brought up finishings that never occurred to me. Thanks Schoolbus.

He is trying to manipulate away to remain in contact. He is moving his belongings into his parents garage. He has his music equipment stored in a little trailer belonging to his parents and asked if he could keep that trailer on my property because the Homeowner's Association in his parents neighborhood won't allow it to be stowed in their yard. I suggested he get a storage unit for his crap, they are only $45 a month, then there would be room in their garage for their trailer. He got mad and left.

No Contact letter? Something like this maybe?

Dear Schmuck,
I am writing to let you know that I do not want to have any contact with you whatsoever forever. That means no phone calls, no messages through friends or family, no emails, no ecards on Valentine's Day or any other special occassion, no letters through the mail, no notes on my car or door, and do not friends request me on Face Book. We are not friends, and I will not be one of your many little "friends" that you have. I do not want to know where you end up living. I do not want to know your job status. I do not want to have health updates. I do not want to know that you are thinking about me or missing me. Above all, do not ask me for anything! I have made myself very clear. If you violate my requests in any way, you can expect a restraining order.
Signed,

Many of the request mentioned were excuses for contact with OW.

Most of his furnishings are out. The only thing left is his desk and the piddly little stuff to box up. His friend is helping him again today and that should be that. I will give the NC letter when he returns his key.

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