Yes I have surviving an affair, HNHN for parents, and LB. I've read the letters. I just asked him to leave last night so i hasn't been that long. I talked to his brother toda to see if BIL talked to H and how H was doing. I know it' not ideal but the fact is that I was able to R from my A and establish NC without exposure without H knowing. I could of kept my A from H forever if I wanted but I choose to expose myself. I was able to do it on my own so why would I not give H that chance? I know what you all are saying, I really do, and I in no means condone what H did and don't think that there shouldn't be something done about it. I know H don't deserve the POJA and all, I just am torn on what to do. I want to save my M but also not lose H due to him resenting me for exposing to command. If this way can work for us I want to try.

I know it's not ideal and it's not guarentee that it will work. I know.
I guess I'm looking at everything that happend. H A was done outta revenge for mine (don't make it ok by any means) but I think I should at least try to give H the same choice to do whats right. To see if H is truely willing to R our M. It will require exposure at work but just on a limited scale. It'll be to his direct co-workers and supervisors just not all the way up to the CO. I think it's better than nothing. It don't need to be brought up that high to get things done. I want to start at the lowest direct level. If you know what I mean. Tell the people that have a direct affect on them working together and can keep them apart. I know again it don't guarentee a thing but it's a start for me at least.

I know 2 wrongs don't make a right and what I did 5 yrs ago is not reason for what H did now, nor should it affect how I handle H's A but it does in a sence I guess. I want to give H the chance. Even though I know I shouldn't I feel I should.

I want to do this as simple as possible without cause alot of trouble. So if we can expose on just a direct level than that's fine. This is just a temporary duty assisment not his actual job so it's not like he'll always be working with her. His tour is almost done here anyway so they will be separated then regardless. In the mean time they are still working on ways to transfer H elsewhere.

No exposure for your affair helped H resent you. Its his fault that the resentment built up to the point of a revenge affair. I will say the revenge affair happened because proper paths were not followed in recovering from your affair.

Think about what may have been if you did expose your affair. How is repeating the same mistake going to be better this time around? Following improper ways to fix a marrige will not fix a marriage.

I know, I'm just scared. I don't want to lose H. I want to work it out and R our M. I'm afraid that exposing to his whole command will cause H to resent me and he'll flat out refuse to work on the M. Again I guess it feel a bit wrong to do to him what he didn't do to me.

If you are afraid to do something that is RIGHT for your marriage then I can't help you, I am tired of trying to let you SEE what you have to do to save your marriage, your not taking any of our advices, you say "I'm listening, I understand, I know" But what are your actions??

You are like a wayward spouse, and I can't help you.

I AM SO DONE WITH THIS THREAD!!

Is there a way for me to make it disappear so I don't have to see it anymore?

This is the basis of why you have not exposed. You fear that exposing him to command will make him resent you and refuse to work on the marriage with you, but you do not know what will really happen. However, if you do nothing, you do not know what will happen. Ahhh...yup been there, done that.

Which situation will you have more control over? Exposing or not exposing? Both have outcomes which we do not know, but you can try to steer one outcome. We fear what we don't know. I personally fear what I don't know, and especially what I can't control. If a situation is somewhat in my control then I fear a little less, but it is still there.

Gave this to another poster who doesn't care that her husband see's the OW at work >.<

You know what? I am going to post this on your thread and the other wayward betrayed spouse (I call them wayward, because they are all talk but no action) who wont take any actions......

I am a FWW, I cheated on my beloved husband that I so adore, and right now we are in our 8 month of recovery, I love him with all my heart! I don't want to take any chances of that being ruined! I love him soo much, my sister while she was visiting me said "you guys act like newly weds now, what are you doing?"

Well for the past 4 months my husband has been mentioning about getting back on facebook for my business only, the first 3 months I told him I was not ready. Well, last month I finally joined again he has all my information, passwords, etc and the only friends that are on my facebook account are family, and all of my clients (which are girls)

One day I was looking at a friends facebook page on wheels and I's family account, and I forgot that he was friends with the 2OM well in one of his comments I saw 2OM when he posted a comment, my heart jumped so high! I was soo terrified, and you know what I thought? "I wonder what he's up to" ALL I HAD TO DO was click on his photo to see what he was up to. When I realized how EASY it was to contact the OM and have those FEELINGS come RIGHT back into my life I was soo scared. I told wheels as soon as he came home, that I saw his profile pix (luckily it wasn't of his face, it was just some random pic) But I bet you if I had saw his face, those feelings would have EASILY came back!! I probably wouldn't be able to get on his page since both accounts are blocked, but still, it doesn't matter.

Now remember I have been in recovery for only 7 months, and if something THAT small can trigger me.....what say you if your husband is seeing this woman everyday at work???

IN ORDER FOR YOU MARRIAGE TO WORK HE HAS TO HAVE NO CONTACT WITH THE OW!

I see what you mean SR. I think I either accidently exposed or OWH found out and exposed, something happend because I got a phone call from H SgtMaj today. I went the other day to legal to ask "what if" questions because like I said I wanted to have all the facts before I made a decison on what to do. I don't know if even though I gave no personal information or nothing that would point to H but they somehow either did some asking around or something and I got a phone call this morning asking me questions about everything.

Plus H come to my job today while I was on the phone with the SgtMaj and I guess OW came up to him today asking if I would be willing to meet up with her to talk. TALK ABOUT WHAT? I'm kinda curious to see WTF she wants but I don't know if I could be relaxed enough to do it.

But right now it's trying to do damage control. Like I said I'm not sure how they figured out who I was and all or if someone else came forward also but they seem to know now.

Now why would OW do this just out of the blue?

Why are you trying to do damage control? Why not let the exposure do it's job?

Honey, I know you are young and scared, but you really need to listen to the MB advice you've been getting. Your life and your marriage will NOT be over if you expose completely--- all the way to the top. Your WH MAY get mad, most do, but it will not end anything but the affair. If she feels comfortable enough to approach your WH to ask to meet with you, then there's a reason for that.

Please RE-READ Surviving an Affair and all of Dr. H's articles.

Please, please do what is best for your marriage. Let exposure continue and let the cards fall where they may.

ITA with PM. Obviously, OW IS comfortable enough to talk to your WH. The conversation probably went a little like this;

OW: Hey, don't you have any control of your wife?

WH: Why? What happened?

OW: Sgt so and so came by and was asking me about you and us. What did she do?

WH: I don't know. She was being told to expose to command but I read her thread(REMEMBER PEOPLE, HE KNOWS ABOUT THIS PLACE) and she said that she wasn't going to expose. I thought I had her under control. I am gonna go to her work and ask her. Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

OW: Good. I think I can help. Just let me talk to her too. I'll convince her(since you can't).

Your WH KNOWS about DrH and ALL of the things in the MB plans.

This can give you a GREAT disadvantage. At times of recovery, it gives you a great advantage if they are already on board.

I am sorry, I think you are falling prey to gaslighting, which is normal. Problem is, your WH KNOWS your gameplan too. He KNOWS what you are thinking and he is pulling out his best game on you. I am afraid that it is working.

Please, stick to the WHOLE plan. MB isn't a menu where you get to pick and choose what you want to do. It is an instruction manual that you need to follow.

Well, H and OW is being called into the SgtMaj's this morning. So whatever happens happens I guess. I did speak to OW about what she wanted. Her words "I'm sorry"

I lost it, your sorry, she was sooo lucky it was over the phone cause if it had been in person I would of stabbed her then said I was sorry too. I know that I probably shouldn't of called her but I was curious of what she could possibly want to talk to me about. I do wonder if gysgt told her to say that to me thinking it would make a difference to me. It didn't, all it did was tick me off even more.

I don't know what will happen. I guess we'll find out today. It's messed up though cause it seems gysgt was able to get H transfered another way. But now because all this going on I don't know what's gonna happen.

If SgtMaj knows, then nothing else is holding you back from exposure, and you know how WH will react.

ITA. Expose this and be done with exposure so you can move on to the next step.

I know you were afraid. Now, that part is out of your hands. All you would do is finish it up.

ok well sgtmaj didn't speak to H today. I guess it got passed down to the 1stsgt. I should hopefully know whats going to happen tomorrow. H has to go talk to 1stsgt tomorrow and should find out whether they are going to transfer H now. I truly hope they do oherwise something is real messed up with this command.

And once again she ignores our advice.

Good luck to you.

Well, F4F, I came back to ask if you followed my advice, and I guess you haven't, however, I won't berate you for it or tell you I'm taking my ball and going home. You could really use the help of the post behavioral health services; all of the military services have had a 180 degree turnaround in the way they view using these services in light of the increase in suicide rates and broken marriages ever since the start of Afghanistan/Iraq, so there is no career stigma or chance of losing a security clearance over seeing a counselor for your marital issues. You could even request the JAG (base legal) office to solicit your husband's chain of command to make a command referral to BHS in lieu of nonjudicial punishment, and simply give him a direct order not to have contact with the OW. Disobeying that order would result in UCMJ action.

People can post here all they want about NC being essential and get on your case for not following that advice, yada, yada, yada, but as you acknowledged before, it's not like your husband can walk away from his job. Desertion in time of war is a very serious offense. The guidance from posters here and from the Harleys is great, and most of the time this template for marital recovery IS a one size fits all, but there are occasions where modifications are necessary. I think your case is one of these. If you can get his chain of command to give him a direct order to have no contact outside of duty with this OW and get a command referral to BHS, I think it would provide you with an interim solution until his transfer orders do come through. And BTW, orders can be changed, if he gets orders that keep him at your current duty location, a call to his branch manager by his 1SG (is that a gunny in the Corps?)can get them changed. Once you are away from your current location, no contact can be assured and you can then follow a traditional MB action plan.

You know my opinion of your situation from my first post, but I am former military, and if I can help you and your husband I will. I do agree with the others that inaction will not serve you well but I disagree on the methods they wish you to employ. The military chain of command and legal system has certain benefits to it that can actually aid you, and as you well know, adultery and disobeying a lawful order are actual criminal offenses and carry much more weight than consequences in the civilian world, with a little smarts you can use this to your advantage without permanent consequences to your husband.

Edited to add: Sorry, forgot to add one thing - there is a man on these boards that goes by the moniker "K" that raised an OC as his own. May be a good resource for your husband, but I don't know for sure if he still visits this site, but the vets would know more.

No one is suggesting her WH walk away from his job in the military. That's absurd! What we are recommending is that she expose this up the chain of her command (as is recommended by Dr. H, the owner of this site.)

That yada, yada, yada advice is based on MB advice, which is what this site is about, MB.



Now, wouldn't this be the same thing as what we're telling her? To go to the chain of command? Only we're saying go to the highest chain of command.

The whole point of exposure is to make key people aware of this affair so that WH will HAVE to be accountable and possibly be transferred AWAY from OW. Dr. H says if there is ANY Contact, recovery is impossible.

BTW, what's you're story? I noticed that you have few posts and they're all advice to other people. It helps your credibility if you let people know where you're coming from.

You're not looking for a DiD are you?

Well, H spoke to the 1stSgt on friday and according to H and gysgt they are going to transfer H to another command. That because of everything going on that it's best to separtate H and OW. Alot of ppl seem to think that I was out to ruin H career by going to talk to legal but that wasn't my intention I actually just went there to get information about what would happen if I did decided to go that route and tell. I didn't give my name or H name or company but they figured out who I was anyway. I guess I was nieve thinking when you go talk to legal there is a confidentiality, boy was I WRONG.

But whatever whats done is done, the transfer is in the works. Hopefully the paperwork gets done and processed before this weeks up.

On another note we went down this weekend to see H aunt. She is now in hospice. The cancer spread, treatment isn't working so H is upset, which I can perfectly understand. I did get upset thou when H wanted to go out drinking with his brother. I don't know why I guess just I don't trust H right now. I feel bad for not letting him go. I know he just wanted to go sit with his brother and talk to him about everything that is going on between us and everything with his aunt. But I got upset that it would of course be leaving me at his parents house with the kids while H went out. I feel like a royal [censored] now for it but at the time I thought I was jusified. I guess I'm just being selfish. I'm consentrating on the M and H was consentrating on his aunt for the weekend and in his words "Put our problems on hold for the weekend." I got upset over that even though I do understand I guess like I said i'm being selfish.

Everytime we go down to visit family H feels like he has to split his attention between me and his family which gets me upset. H family is hispanic and 1st language is spanish and I only know alittle spanish so I get left outta conversations alot. But I don't understand why it's so hard to include me and why it's so hard for H.

Anyway I got off track here. NC isn't offically started yet but like I said the transfer is in the process right now. I just hope it happens sooner than later. H and I seem to be doing better. There is still ALOT we need to work on but I've been meeting H SF N and H been doing better to meet my EN of affection which of course makes me want to meet his need for SF. We need to make a second MC appointment. Our schedules never seem to mesh during work hours to make another appointment but we'll keep trying. I'm still having difficultly not picturing H and OW together when we do things that I know they did. But I'm working on it. I'm also going to go tomorrow on my day off about getting a RX for anti depressants because I've been getting upset at the kids to easily as of lately and it's not their fault so I need to get some help dealing with my anger towards what H did and the fact that I feel like H isn't trying 100%. H always has an excuse of why he can't do something and he is always procrastinating things (ie: going over the EN questionaire or setting ground rules for the R). I told H that I needed NC and for right now I needed him to stop talking to females period (ie: talking to a female Ssgt, that used to be his boss but is not longer with the company but they still text or call eachother) I got upset when I walking into the car after coming out of the store to find H on the phone with this ssgt. Now she is the one that recommended the MC that H and I both like but I'm like thanks for the recommendation now stop talking to my H. H gets upset saying what happens when he gets put in charge of females or when he gets another female boss? I'm like for right now you need to stop talking to females outside of work related issues until I begin to trust you again. Am I overreacting?

Nice to hear about the transfer. Exposing earlier should have had the same effect earlier. Anyhow, your H talking to a female co-worker outside of the office is bad. You also have every right to approach him about it because it triggers you, and you trust him less each time he contacts any female outside of work.

I think you should let him know that you trust him less when he talks to a female co-worker, especially about non-business subjets outside of the workplace.

NOPE! You are not overreacting you acted just the same way any other BW would do.

I do tell him. I seems to get H upset because as H said "I don't like to be treated like a child. I understand why and agree with you but I don't like being treated like a kid."

Everytime I try to calmly tell H how I feel and what I need from him right now. He says he understands, agrees with it and will do it but he gets upset too. I'm doing my best to not agrue with H and when I talk to him do it calmly and without getting upset but everytime H gets an attitude with me about treating him like a child. "I'll do it but it don't mean I like it."

I'm going to try and sit H down again today after work and HOPEFULLY get him to go over the EN questionaire and also discuss the ground rules for the R and what my triggers are.

I know exposure would of got the transfer done earlier and everyone is upset with me for doing it his way but I was scared and confused about what I wanted to do. And because of it being military and not a cilivan job exposing adultery can be a career ender in the military so it was something I did want to take into consideration. But as long as the end result was H and OW being seperated and NC established I'm satisifed. Even if it did take alot longer than I would of liked.