Your WH seems to be doing just enough. By that I mean, he is doing the bare minimum HE feels he should do.

Your WH is having an affair(I use the present tense because until there is NC FOR LIFE it's still in the present). HE is NOT IN CONTROL OF THIS. He needs to do things and change things to make you feel better. HE NEEDS TO CHANGE.

Other than the NC, which is currently in the works(at least we can hope the transfer will help him out, but I would most definitely suggest snooping be continued in whatever way possible), what else has your WH agreed to do? Does he have any EPs that he is going to put in place? Perhaps one about NO alone time with members of the opposite sex? See where I am going with this?

It seems that your WH wants YOU to change. I absolutely believe that there are things that you are going to have to change so you can have a better marriage. You need to implement MB in ALL aspects of your life. Have you learned all about MB? ENs? LBs? POJA? PORH? How do YOU implement these things in your daily life? What EPs do you have in place so you won't have another affair? Are you guys getting in the 20 hours a week of UA, meeting the 4 most important ENs, conversation, RC, SF and affection?

It takes a lot of work and not just on your part. Your WH needs to understand that he needs to help you heal. You also have to help him heal. This is going to take a LONG time.

I know, I know. I have put EP in place for me. H seems to think that just by doing the NC that should be enough and I've tried getting him to post here and read the articles but his excuse is always that nobody replies back to him.

I'm still dealing with H turning everything back at me. Anytime I get upset or try to talk to him about everything H always wants to turn it back on me and make it about my A. It's making R very difficult and even our MC told him stop. It's a defence thing with him.

H keeps procrastinating the talk we need to have about EP and EN, etc but I'm going to try to do it tonight after we both get home from work. I know it won't work unless we are both giving 100%.

The difference is that what I suggested (at least until the husband gets his orders) wouldn�t result in loss of rank, ruining his chances of promotion and subsequently advancing his career in the military. I�m surprised that they decided to move him with receipt of orders imminent, but that will at least accomplish the NC aspect. And it was good that he didn�t receive any non-judicial punishment. Depending on who gave it (company grade vs. field grade) and whether it was formal vs. summarized, it could have meant loss of one or two pay levels, a monetary fine (which they can�t afford), and restriction with extra duty. Receiving a formal non-judicial punishment would effectively spell the end of his chances to advance past E-6. But that�s all water under the bridge now.

I think it�s very important that the husband seek IC to help him deal with what the wife did to him and decide if he can get past it or not. Otherwise, it will be like this throughout his marriage, there will be periods that he�s seemingly fine alternating with times that he isn�t. He may never be able to get past it, having a constant reminder of his wife�s infidelity and deceit calling him Daddy, in which case you can Plan A or Plan B all you want, and it won�t make a difference if the root cause in all of their problems is something that can�t be rectified. I don�t think she really understands that, she takes what he says about everything being fine at face value when it�s obvious that everything is far from fine. Most men wouldn�t be able to accept a child not their own, especially their first child � I know I wouldn�t. I would have divorced the OP immediately. So, you may ask, why do I want to help her? The son is here and isn�t going anywhere, so that point is moot - what has to change for this to have any chance of working is his attitude and perception. That�s why I suggested he contact K. As Mr Miyagi said, one side of road, you karate do, the other side you karate don�t do, in the middle get squished like grape. The future of their marriage depends on his acceptance of what is, otherwise why continue? I don�t think it is right for her to have this continually hanging over her head and later her son�s head, he needs to make his choice and live with it.

As far as my story? Don�t really have one. I was a long time lurker until I decided to join this site a few years ago, but I very seldom post. I just follow threads here and on the marriage builders 101forum to learn, and I apply the MB principles to my own marriage. I am ex-military and in civil service (with most of that working for the military as a civilian) I think I have a pretty good grasp of what being in the military is like and the difficulties it can entail. So I follow military related threads with interest, such as the current ones with Sick of Limbo and Gerka Guard.

BTW, what is a �DiD�?

DiD=Damsel in Distress

I've had it with all of H excuses! H obvious isn't interested in the least bit about actually working on this M. H thinks that just getting the freaking transfer is enough and he shouldn't have to lift a finger in regards to anything else. I have been trying for weeks now to go over the EN questionaire with him and it's always the same dang thing every single time "I have to get up early in the morning. I'm not awake enough to discuss it. I should be getting off early tomorrow."

WHY?

I'm trying.... I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I go to work, come home deal with the kids, clean, make dinner, meet H's SF. I'm doing everything H wanted me to do so why isn't H even willing to talk to me about a freaking questionaire? I cry every night over this and I'm just getting sick and tired over this. The past 2 years I cried over the BS H put me through because of my A. How long am I supposed to do this? How long to I keep putting up with all this until it obvious that H isn't willing to work on R this M.

DS starts pre K next week and his teachers are coming tomorrow morning to do the home visit before school starts. I told H about this and that the house needed to get cleaned up since we left this past weekend and we rushed to get ready becuase I was running around taking kids to dr appts and H got off and instead of getting everything ready he came home and went to sleep. So once I get home I have to run around and get everything ready to go. Then H gets off before me today, H knew the house needed to be cleaned because I said so today when I told him the ppl were coming tomorrow. What does he do come home and go to sleep. Then sit on his [censored] while I'm cleaning and doing laundry. H kept asking me what I needed done but it was obvious that the floor needed swept the table cleared off, kitchen cleaned up, dished done. So then once the kids are in bed and we are able to discuss the EN without the kids bothering us, H is tired and has to get up early. AHHHHHH!!!! Plus I'm left to clean the freaking house too. WTF!!!!

Is it just a guy thing or is H just not trying?

Sounds to me you need a plan B

Seems that way lately. Well apprently the transfer has gone thru and H reports to his new command on Monday. H is at the rifle range this week and yes OW is there. Which of course I dislike very much but H needs to requilify on the range and they wont take him off so I don't have much choice than to deal with it until Monday.

I am getting sick in tired of his command asking me that if they do the transfer than it's over and I won't go starting [censored] like going to talk to legal again. I mean WTF yeah it'll be over as long as H and POSOW have NC. Now if they keep talking to eachother that all bets are off. H command is acting like I'm the one who is in the wrong. I can't believe this crap. But at least they did do the transfer even thou unitl H is actually gone I'm not going to be ok yet.

I have an appointment today to go talk to the dr about getting some antidepressants. I've been getting angery at the kids to much and I'm always mad and upset or crying. I need something to help me right now especially since H isn't doing crap in the way of working on the M. I ended up ripping up my EN questionaire last night. I'm just so tired of feeling like i'm having to force or nag H to talk to me about anything in regards to healing the M. H thinks that by him getting transfered that is all he has to do.

Seriously how long do I keep doing this? Should I wait until the transfer happens then see where we are or do I tell him to leave now until the transfer actually happens and H is actually willing to follow thru with a plan and set bountries and rules. I just feel like i'm always nagging H and of course that isn't going to be helpful. it's just going to cause issues. I'm so confused. I thought that once H got this transfer things would start getting better but they aren't. Granted the transfer hasn't acutally happend yet but if H isn't showing any improvments now how am I supposed to believe that he will after he transfers.

F4F, I get the sense that you're a little high-strung.

Time and patience dear, time and patience. It took you guys a long time to get to the point where you are and it will take a long time to get to recovery (if you do.) You cannot control what WH does, only what YOU do. I know it's hard but perhaps you need to back off somewhat for now and start thinking about whether you want to stay in this marriage.

I also get the sense that you are looking for a reason to bolt. Am I off the mark?

Look, the transfer has happened. You know that as long as there is contact, WH remains in the fog. The real test will come when contact has stopped and he begins to defog (this won't be instant BTW).

Can you name five good things about your WH? Because really, according to you (and what you post) he's about the worst husband that ever walked the earth. You don't mean to portray that do you?

What are YOU doing to make YOU a better wife? Can you answer that question without pointing fingers at WH?

Which MB books have you read? Would you pass a test on LBs? Do you know what they are?

Let's take the focus off of HIM and focus on YOU for awhile.

See what happens.

I've read HNHN and Surviving An Affair. I also have LB but haven't fully read that one yet. I don't mean to portray H to be the worst person out there just that he is selfish. H can be very loving, he's a good father, close with his family (which I love), a good provider, will work 2-3 jobs for his family if he has to, and not selfish in the bedroom.

I guess because right now H is "in the fog" he isn't those things right now. I got my RX so hopefully that will help me for now. I'm not looking for a reason to leave, I want to heal my M.

Currently I am meeting H SF N, not fighting with H, got a job, been losing weight, taking care of the house and kids, cooking, not nagging H about doing housework or his chores (ie: trash and yard work), been dressing more my age and less like a "old woman" (as H says). I read H EN questionaire and been doing my best to meet his N without demanding H meet mine.

I know I can't expect instant changes but I guess I figured there would be more effort on H part but I guess H just isn't where I'm at yet. It took me 2 yrs to fully give everything so I guess I should really have more patience.

Really?? Your going to wait two years till you husband changes? I'm sorry sweetie, but if he won't change NOW then he will NEVER change. UNLESS, you go to plan B.

That is my opinion, not sure what the vets say about that.

I'm not planning on waiting for 2 yrs, that would be nuts. I guess H found my ripped up EN questionaire and took it with him to work and read it. So when H came home yesterday he wa doing those little things that I was wanting. We talked about it last night and H admitted that he wasn't meet any of my N and that he was going to start. I guess we'll see how long that last for. Now lets see if H makes the second MC appointment (always makes excuses about his schedule). I want to believe H is serious about doing everything and really trying but only time will tell if he is for real of still all talk.

Honestly I think that him meeting a couple of your ENs is a good start. Let him know that you are trying to meet his ENs when you are being proactive of meeting his ENs. It looks like he is getting the hint that this needs to be done for you too.

At some point, when he understands ENs and is making some effort to meet your ENs, you should commit to each other that you both will do your best to meet each others ENs. If either of you is not getting an EN met then it is up to that person to let the other know that a specific EN is not being satisfied.

You may want to test the waters and say something like, "Right now will you commit to meeting all my ENs and I will meet all of yours?" Who knows what he will say, but at least you will know where he stands.

Actually I think I know where he stands if you ask him if he were willing to meet your ENs. I guess I would suggest scratching that and just working ENs by example for now. Dumb it down and make it simpler than I said above.

Yeah he posted on here (DRO - post "this is marinemoms husband) and when I read his post H says nothing in regards to his own A but just about mine. It's like his own little pitty party. H is only giving half and not the whole story which ticks me off some since again I'm being made out to be the bad guy and the only one wrong. It upsets me and Ive told H that.

I'm going to contiune to meet H ENs and pray that H will meet mine in return. Lead by example!

Fighting....don't worry we know about his affair, when the time comes he will bring it up, but right now he needs help on some of his issues, his affair will eventually come up after he get's help with these issues.

OK? We know what he has done, and know one has brought it up, just let us help him where he needs it ok?

Ok, I guess I understand but I don't like him only explaining half the story. I figure if you want advice and help lay the whole thing out. I'll step back and calm down. My RX hasn't started working yet (it'll take like 2 wks to start) darn meds.

I wish he would post more often so we could help him with his issues separately. Fighting, I was wondering if you could give him a gift. A DNA test to show him that his son is his. It seems like this is one road block to your marriage that he is hung up on. I wouldn't discuss it make it a surprise.

Wheels, 2 tests were done. H knows.

kk...cool, i was unsure, and if you said previously then I probably forgot. At least that is one thing that should be a non-issue for him now.

It's not an issue of not knowing but it still seems to be a basis for Hs issues. As H puts it "we stole his first son/first born" "took him for a fool" etc. I don't know what else to do.