Plan B is not a spur of the moment decision.
It takes planning and preparation.
Plan B is very strategic.

The decision to enter Plan B depends on the STATE OF MIND of the BETRAYED.
If you are faced with bad behavior that you cannot physically or mentally tolerate ... then it is Plan B time ... for self-preservation.

You need to read about plan B. Read here and in the books about it and decide how you are going to go about it. It IS NOT a get even plan. Ill be back later to splain some more but there are plenty of ppl here that could help along with plenty of threads.


Gaslighting is telling you things like"Your crazy, I am not having an affiar, hes just a friend that all", Its from an old movie called Gaslight.

Blame shifting, ovoidance, finger pointing and plain unbalanced behavior.

TTYL

I am not sure plan b is a good idea. He did go shopping today on his own, he didn't answer the phone because he was at the golf club. I do think he is doing a lot of thinking about himself and the marriage and I need to give him the space to do it. It was only 5 weeks ago I have started to adopt MB principles, and there has been a huge improvement in this time.

I may be being naive but I think I need to give it more time.

I agree with you.

I think I have been in panic mode after seeing OW. He has been hurt, big time, and he still coming to terms with the pain I caused him. When I have concrete evidence he is with OW then I will deal with it. I am going to challenge him subtely about his phone secrecy.

Plan A.
You've read my link, yes?

Then start focusing on plan A. Don't be in plan door mat.

Hi pepper have read your thread but will have another read. Once again I must thank everyone for their support, when I have a bad day I end up posting lots as it prevents me doing any potential love busters with H.

I really think seeing OW on sat night really has affected me.

There are so many things wrong with the bar incident it's hard to know where to start.


Coincidence? Really?

"One" of the OW? Was it a coincidence that the other OW's weren't there? Does he have a spreadsheet to keep track?

Wake up.


He wasn't being something as civilized as "disrespectful". He was being flat mean. He wanted you to feel humiliated and what did you do?


This is where you narrow your eyes, smile slightly, hold his gaze for ten seconds and quietly say "you will never treat me like that again." It doesn't matter what he responds -- you have set a boundary in the moment when it is fresh and not subject to revisionist history.

Think about what your H's takeaway messages from that encounter might have been:

1. I can do what I like, be as mean as I like, and the worst I have to fear is being called "disrespectful."
2. Hitch obviously doesn't care much about the M if she just walked away.
3. Hitch doesn't deserve my respect because she is such a doormat.
4. Hitch has such a low opinion of me that she's unshockable.
5. I can have as many cookies as I like and no one is the boss of me, including me ("you aren't the boss of me" is something 5 year old's tell each other here.)
6. Etc.


No, you don't have to deal with it.
You can decide to deal with it if you want to.
Or not.
He does not get to decide that for you.


He plays games with you because it works for him because.....you haven't taught him otherwise.


Stop it. This is not a "whose the worst" competition. It's not supposed to be a competition of any sort.

There is a difference between taking responsibility for your bad decisions and throwing yourself under the bus.



You have had an A. What do you think is going on?

You are going to have to stop tap dancing around and actually do something to get his attention. Scary stuff, right? How about he goes on the trip and you change the locks and store his stuff at the other house? And tell him first -- "I have decided that this situation is no longer tolerable to me. If you make the decision to go on the trip, which you are free to do, I am going to move your things out and change the locks. If you choose to stay here, and I hope you do, then understand that we are going to seriously start working on our M. That means:

1. You don't go out drinking without me.
2. I don't go out drinking without you.
3. You will spend every night in this house and be home by X.
4. I will have access to your email and phone and you will have access to mine.
5. We will not spend a night apart for any reason for 90 days.
6. If we are someplace where OW or OM shows up, we will leave immediately and together.
7. You will play golf no more than 4 days a month.
8. Etc.

I'm not telling you what to put on the list -- the list is unique to you and your experience. I just want you to make a list, communicate it in a way that is loving, non-negociable and gives him the choice, and has sets out clearly and unambiguously what you are going to do if he doesn't agree.

I don't care if the list is:
1. If you go on the trip or __________(fill in the blank with whatever), I am painting the living room pink.
2. If you stay two nights, I am going to paint large purple stripes.
3. If you stay three nights, I am going to paint the ceiling orange.
4. I've been to the paint store and here are the chips for the colors I've chosen.

You are free to do __________ of course, but I'd hope you will stay and we can paint the living room a color we both like together. However, understand that if you do go, you will come back to a pink, purple and orange living room.

Pick some boundary that you are sure you can live with and stick with it. You have got to learn that the world will not end. He will try to manipulate you out of it -- that is a certainty. That's all he knows how to do because that is what his mom taught him. You need to find out if he is willing to learn. Don't you want to know that now? Isn't the suspense killing you?

Here's what I see you doing: in the immediacy of the moment, you compromised your essential self when you had the A. You are doing the same thing now.

If you end up divorcing, the next man will do the exact same thing. We could be in a 100,000 person stadium with 10 manipulative, predatory men in it and they will find us. I truly believe that with all my heart.

Are you going to define your life by your sin or by your redemption? Sin lets you stay where you are. Redemption requires movement.

I spent an hour carefully composing my multi-paragraph post complete with proper quotations, and SR sums the whole thing up in six words.

Plan door mat.

Good advice from the vets. I agree with you too that he is probably still reeling from both affairs.

What I was hoping would happen is that he got involved with MB and did some reading of the books. Some questions,,

Does he want help in his marriage?
Does he realize you both need help?
Does he realize that you both can benifet greatly from MB and build each other and the marriage up to something you can cherish and count on instead of the "lost the magic" one you both might be feeling at times?

After that is understood and he is willing to learn how to get this you will be able to work on some of the things that bother you and you feel, , yes feel, he does to hurt your love for him.

See it is not only respect for yourselves and each other that you will be working on, its falling in love again and protecting it. It takes two, and like many people sometimes they have to unlearn some behavior, and when it comes to our most deepest feelings we are relutant to be a doormat when one wont change and we are being the giver.

Being the wonderful giver and getting the cold shoulder runs out and brings in resentmaent and maybe even depression and leads to a poor self image. Thats why when someone is being treated badly even to the point of cheated on Plan A has a time limit so you don't get damaged so much you hate them and/or yourself.

Right now be the best version of yourself you can be. The woman he fell in love with. You have been totally honest with him now about your A. Somewhere inside he must know that he was not the perfect H. You have admitted you were not the perfect wife, and are willing to do what is nessesary to fix it, and take the blame for what you did. Thats all anyone can do at anytime, admit there mistakes and take thier lumps while they change thier behavior.

You have plenty to keep you busy with for awhile. Read the different storys on this board and keep a positive attitude about your marriage with him. Tell him you have found a way to recover it and make it better than before and that you are willing to fight for it and against the things that have attacked what you two were trying to build. Explain that MB is not a "cookie cutter" program its built on facts and the truth that the human heart very complex and unique with everyone and the result of working on your marriage will be your own unique accomplishment together. Rebuild what we all hope for when we marry, to have a soulmate for life that is like a part of us and the most intimate relationship we can have outside of God.

You CAN recover, you CAN have a great marraige, How you act now will determine your part in creating the atmosphere for recovery first for yourself, then your marriage. Let him see the woman who he fell in love with who is repentant and willing to make up for her mistake while she moves forward in learning how to be a great wife. Don't let his behavior bring you down to an emotional level of giving up or bitterness.


After doing a Strong Plan A, and with the advice of others here, if he continues to use your A as a reason to ignore getting help, then maybe then Plan B will be nessesary to shock him into reality.


Keep working on your boundaries as you understand how they protect everthing that is in your life including you.

When you need to unload come here and do it

ROFL!!

Sorry I intend to do that..A LOT! I'm all for 5 paragraph long descriptions, but I am a very blunt lady I tell them exactly what I see in very short sentences. Sometimes just 6 words!

I gotta agree that the trip is a no-no

It's late here so can't really say too much apppart from you are all so right. I am wound up now that I have been way too soft. What's even worse about sat night bar episode, is that he managed to turn it round on me the next day and say my behaviour was terrible. He is good at doing that when he is in the wrong. Complete deflection.

Ok no more doormat. I really need to get away for a night to get some rest I have not been sleeping well with the anxiety of it all.

I really do feel at the stage where I say enough is enough, we need to make a decision of how we proceed.

So, get away for the night and get some rest. Actually, one night isn't enough -- two is way better as it takes at least 24 hours to decompress.

A week or so after my H left -- and remember, I was positively delighted he was gone --the relief!!!, I called a friend to cover my boys, left them an honest note about what a state I was in, checked into a local hotel for two nights, ordered room service and stared at the canal.

I was such a wreck I was no good to anyone. In a long series of really bad decisions, that was the first good one I made. It was the turning point as I got away from every single thing that was triggering me like mad -- and I don't mean triggering with OM. I mean triggering my rage and despair.

I sense you are frantic. Thoughts are chasing themselves around your head relentlessly. Give yourself a break. Honor your core value of self care.

Thanks SW, I am at work so can't really type much. I hate this feeling of being a doormat and believe me I am not, I am trying to get the balance right. However I do feel happy with how I approached the bar incident I am not happy with how husband reacted.

I am annoyed on 2 accounts the first because of how he reacted in the bar and secondly how he twisted it back onto me. I am going to stay away tonight, and then when I see him will be taking JLs advice and letting him know that I don't want to be treated how he treats mother neither do I want to be treated like she treats other people. My husband is a good man, I just feel that due to the trauma and refering to type is why he is behaving this way.

Horrible day yesterday, partly my fault for allowing H to treat me this way and my fault for thinking negatively (tiredness).

Thanks everyone for your support, quite frankly I don't know what I would do without it.

Hey hitch did you thimk about these questions?

Does he want help in his marriage?

Yes he does want help with the marriage, he has had 2 sessions with SH, and it is certainly got him thinking. I think the issue here is that SH will also be getting him to think how to be a better husband and my H, believes he was the best he could b. He was quite upset after 1 session and said that he was supposed to make my H feel better not worse. My H has always thought he was perfect and told me so Sunday evening, although he did add that he has learnt he is not as perfect as he thought he was.

Does he realise you both need help?

Absolutely, he knows we need help and is prepared to do the coaching although he is very sceptical, defensive and has disagreed with SH about quite a few points.

Does he realise we can benefit from MB?

No not at the moment, SH asked him to have a look on the website and do some research, I will ak my H if he has done this and is familiar with the questions.

Since he's a guy, and likely driven by action, you are the one in the best position to show him the benefits of MB.

That's why I'm on you about meeting his needs and ending your LB'ers.

SH can be his critic and let him know how he's not meeting your needs, etc. I'm not saying you can't complain. I'm saying right now your marriage is on the edge and the only thing you control is your approach. If your approach is largely on his failings, then that's what you'll get, failure.

If your approach is about what you are doing, then you have a chance for success. State respectful boundaries, such as I will not remain in a marriage where my feelings regarding any OW are disregarded, or however you would phrase that.

But at the same time, there has to be some sort of carrot. What are you doing to build romantic love? You didn't build your relationship by dwelling on his faults. You are not going to rebuild it that way either.

Thanks enlightened I see what your saying. I have been doing lots of carrot things though I just haven't shared them here. I have been using the discussion board to vent feelings of resentment that are building up.

I know what he wants, someone that dotes on him, is madly in love with him and devoted.


I have been doing lots of carrot stuff, such as,

keepingthe house looking lovely
paying him lots of compliments
dressing nicely making a big effort
keeping fit
not using any disrespectful judgements
buying him random thoughtful presents
talking to him about his business lots
telling him about how I admire him
talking about how much I am learning