Hello,
I wanted to get my story out here in hopes that I can get a plan of action put into place. Technically (or maybe hopefully) I am in recovery. However, I know that this forum gets much more activity.

Quick synopsis:
FWH-34
Me(FWW)-32
DS-6
Married 9 years (together 17 yrs, since I was 15 years old)
My D-Day-1/08
FWH D-Day-10/08
Only partial exposure on both sides (which I still question/regret to this day)
Me in recovery-completely committed and looking to clean up my side of the street, doing what I can to take full responsibility for my actions
FWH-still issues with O&H, IB, semi anti-Harley (thinks Dr. Harley favors women and doesn't want men to be happy. Cherry picks from concepts).
Participated in MC for almost a year. Did very little for us. Spent a lot of time just talking randomly. When I tried to confront problems, H would accuse me of taking over sessions. When I stayed quiet during sessions, he spent a lot of time stating that �we are doing good� and not really talking about much.

At this stage in the game, we are in a better place. I can�t deny that. We talk more, spend more time together, seem to not be on the same page, but at least in the same chapter.

However, we have one really big issue looming over us.

My H loves to play softball (which by the way, he started playing after we had been together for over 5 years, so I didn�t realize this would be part of the package). Over the past 10 years, it has become a big point of contention between us. Every year I dread the season coming, we always argue about it, and over the years I have tried different ways of dealing with it: I tried playing (which I hated), I tried going to watch, I tried not going at all and doing my own thing during the game times. As many of you will probably guess, eventually one of my H�s affairs came from a woman that he played on the team with.

Fast forward to D-Year (2009) we decide in counseling that I am not ok with him playing co-ed, but that I am onboard with him playing men�s league. I truly am ok with this. I want him to be happy and I do enjoy watching when I feel no threat or insecurities along with it. We decide that co-ed is off the table indefinitely.

Now we are in 2010 and at the beginning of the year H�s brother decides to join a co-ed team. The minute I hear this, I know what�s coming. H then asks if he can play. I am disappointed and angry. But I try to keep my cool, as I know that we are in a vicious cycle of me being the mom and making decisions and H acting the child and blaming me when he is unhappy while never working to make decisions. (I know this is DJ maybe, but he is super passive aggressive). So I come to him with POJA. During talks, he gets riled up. I make sure to stay calm and never once state that he can�t play. I continue to say �ultimately this is your decision, but I hope that we can come to a decision that we are both onboard with�. Finally first game comes, he doesn�t play, acts sulky and I know is blaming me for not being able to play. But I figure he has let it go. I then find out two months later when he accidentally butt-dials me that he played at least half of the season behind my back and lied to me telling me he was working. When confrontation comes, he claims that I told him he couldn�t play and that he had no choice but to lie.

After lots of reading on here and talking with friends, I realize that the problem isn�t softball. It�s the fact that I don�t trust this man. I don�t feel safe with him. I feel like he is �going along� with recovery.

So here I am at noon on a Friday and tonight starts a new season. And he just texted me saying he wants �to compromise on softball�. He�s backing me into a deadline in hopes that this will resolve itself. He talked all week about us having to have a talk about softball, but each night said absolutely nothing. (I know some of you will say why didn�t I bring it up. Because I feel like I can�t always be the person who is pushing for solutions).

Any ideas on what I should do at this point? I feel like I need a plan of action.

-Txnatheart

He needs to understand that co-ed softball is a HUGE trigger for you, I try soo hard to diminish all triggers that my husband has to face, I don't know how many times he get's triggered but each time he does I feel like we are not progressing in our recovery. I know all about the POJA stuff but if he doesn't undertand that it is a big trigger and it makes you feel like you can not trust him then you need to have a talk with him. Have you told him about your feelings about this? If so and he is still persistent on playing co-ed softball then he is not respecting your feelings.

If I found out that my husband was lieing to me and playing co-ed softball behind my back I would have immediately gone into plan B. If he does not respect your feelings then he does not respect you as a wife.

I am glad you finally posted your story. I am sorry to hear about your H's serious lack of EPs and his using the MB concepts against you.

Have you read mopey's recent thread? She wrote to Dr Harley about her H who wanted to attend co-ed AA meetings and what Dr Harley wrote back applies to your situation.

Here's the thread, Dr Harleys' words are in the first post:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2418611&page=1

Hi Sapphire,
Thanks for the response. To be honest, I knew you would say that. I think it's hard for me to face the fact that my H doesn't really respect our marriage. I want to think that he does, but deep down, I know he doesn't. At the very least, I know he "doesn't get it".

What do you think I should do now? He wants to talk about a compromise today. I have no idea what he's going to come to the table with. I can't go back and plan B, right? Should I just wait and hear what he has to say??

-Txnatheart

I totally agree!! It applies to you as well, I loved the part when he mentioned

"That's because if spouses don't make their decisions with each other's feelings in mind, they end up trampling over each other's feelings, the way your husband has trampled over your feelings."

That is exactly what I was saying in my first post.

Good luck!

Tell him "No, it is out of the question, and that goes for the rest of the time we are married. If you want to do co-ed I will not be here as a wife."

Explain to him that it is a huge trigger for you, tell him how you are feeling.

If he still doesn't care and either does is anyway, then pack his things and give him a plan B letter.

Susie, thanks so much for the thread. I completely agree. I think it's just been really hard for me to face the truth. And I know that I now need to do everything I can to be strong enough to stick to my boundaries no matter what. Any suggestions about what I should do right now?

-txnatheart

Does anyone have a link to the plan B letter? I know it references the affair, should I just take that out and edit it to reflect the situation?

-txnatheart

I just bumped a thread for you, it's a sample of a plan B letter from the book surviving an affair. I would edit it yes.

Thanks Sapphire. I'm going to listen to what he has to say today, but basically start putting together my plan B. I have been avoiding all plan B material because I knew deep down it would probably come down to that for us. But I know I really need to buckle down and put together a strong plan B. I just need to convince myself that I can do this.

-txnatheart

Probably what I would do is (I have done a form of this): Start by telling him you need to have a talk. Have the mindset that you aren't trying to convince him to do things your way ~ rather that you are going to lay out your boundaries and what you are going to do if he doesn't respect them.

Some of the things I would plan to talk about:
~ You were incredibly offended by his decision to play softball in the co-ed league behind your back.

~ You don't feel safe in a M where you are being lied to and he is leading a SSL (secret second life) and protecting the M isn't a top priority.

~ You won't stay in a M where you don't feel safe.

Keep it short and be calm. Don't engage in an argument. Whatever he says, tell him he is entitled to his opinion and that you are just letting him know where you stand. Re the softball, tell him you are done arguing about it and he knows your feelings on it.

Plan A him while you get your Plan B together over the next couple of weeks.

YOU CAN DO IT!!

"he claims that I told him he couldn�t play and that he had no choice but to lie."

You have gotten some very good advice. The above statement just makes me mad. There is always a choice besides lying, like protecting your marriage. Be strong.

Great suggestions!! One thing I thought of was getting his agreement to sign up for the online course at Marriage Builders. It is about $1000 but it is worth every penny. They assign you a coach and you get daily access to Dr Harley for life.

The reason I suggest this is because you need Dr Harley to kick his [censored]. His independent behavior is going to destroy your marriage. Dr Harley will set him straight and you don't have to be the bad guy.

I know you said you went to counseling before, but that was a waste of time that would turn off anyone. Who wants to go sit in a room and listen to complaints about yourself?? That is exactly why the Harleys dont believe in counseling couples in conflict together. It is a disaster!

100% agreed! tx and I were talking about her sitch a little bit on my thread on the IR forum and I recommended she try to get him to coach with Steve even just to start (since he is anti-MB). But the online program would be even better.

If he refuses (which I think she alluded to on my thread) absolutely make this a Plan B requirement, tx! I can't tell you how much my H needed Steve/Dr Harley to tell him what he needs to do vs me trying to tell him. Each time he talks to either of them, I see improvements. Keep us updated!

The two of you never recovered from the affairs in the first place.

You want to do things in a manner that would create a marriage that is safe, respects boundaries for the prevention of future affairs, and results in loving feelings and the return of "being in love".

He wants what he wants - when he wants it, and will lie to get it.

Sounds to me like there is still another woman out there. Have you considered that he is still in contact? Or has a new interest?


Tell him your concerns, tell him that he knows the MB plan - and that this plan recovers marriages. Tell him that the two of you did NOT work this plan

so the marriage has NOT RECOVERED


and tell him that the next step for you is to start from ground zero.

He leaves.


And you go dark. He won't know what happened.


But you probably need to spy on this guy. There might be more to this than meets the eye.

SB

So I heard H out on Friday. He tried to come up with what he deemed a "compromise". He suggested that he play the first three games of the season (and that I come out and support him) and that if I am absolutely miserable, he would quit the team. Quite evidently H still does not "get it". Doesn't get that this has nothing to do with softball itself. Has to do with respect, trust, and feelings in general. Never mind that the man lied about playing last season behind my back, never mind that he apparently put himself on the roster this season and didn't discuss it with me, never mind that he had an affair with a team member in the past. But I kept SusieQ in the back of my mind and simply stated that softball was unacceptable at this time and that he knew how I felt about it and that ultimately it was his decision to make (which he really did not like).

So in the vain of being rational and wanting to do planA/B right. I simply told him that I would call him in an hour and he could tell me what he decided. I called him later and he said, "I will play tonight's game, as I don't want to let the team down at the last minute, but I will quit the rest of the season. Because I'd rather me be in this misery than you". To be very honest, I have no idea if he's telling the truth or if he will somehow try to find another way of playing this week.

To top it off, at last night's men's game, who should show up but OW!!! I will say that we handled it well though. We quietly talked about it, he asked if it was ok to stay to finish the game (as we only had a few minutes left), we then left together and didn't argue about it. (I feel like in some respects I can sympathize more with this situation, as it could very well happen to me sometime as my FOM lives in the area also). I asked him this morning to please contact me if she should happen to contact him after seeing him last night. In some ways I think the positive part about this happening is that it reiterates why playing co-ed softball isn't a good thing for our marriage.

Schoolbus, I am always looking to see if there is another W or contact. I am extremly distrustful of him at this point. Unfortunately, whenever I think he has reached a new low, he will surprise me with a lower low. So, I do snoop and spy constantly. So far, I have come up empty regarding women.

So, I have started working on my plan B letter. I'm doing what SusieQ suggested and plan A'ing while getting my plan B stuff ready. And Melody I am currently working the finances to see if I can manage to come up with the $$ for the online program. I want to have this set so it can't be used as an excuse as to why we can't/shouldn't do it.

Thanks so much for the help!

-txnatheart

txnatheart, you did great!! If you raise the bar, I predict he will live up to your standards. The payoff for giving up his baseball should be a happy, romantic marriage, though.

That is not going to happen by accident, tx, that has to be developed by using these steps. The first of which should be 20+ hours per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs.

There has to be something to REPLACE the vacuum left by elimination of baseball. Do you understand?

For your husband to place himself and your marriage in this risky position tells me he is not very interested in affair proofing your marriage. This is very troublesome.