My husband is doing everyting to make up for years of ignoring my pleas to change his behavior - not protecting our relationship, which led to an emotional affair that briefly turned physical. I had a retalitory affair with a guy I have known as long as I have know my husband. I dated them at the same time but chose my husband. I often questioned my choice.
I am not innocent. I made mistakes during our dating years which caused him to loose trust in me. It led to my husband cheating on me while we dated. We made up, married and had five wonderful years. Then we had blended family trouble and things went down hill from there. Now my love is about lost for my husband. I don't want to work on the marriage at all.

Vice versa, love can be restored when you work on the marriage.

Does your H know that you had an affair?

Have you read MB principles?

Whatever your situation is, welcome to the Marriage Builders.

What do you want from us? If it's help with learning the MB concepts and applying them to your marriage and life, we can do that.

There are a few other things that we need from you to help you better. Please read this thread and answer the questions in the first post. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Sorry you are here and welcome.

What can we do for you?

Thanks everyone for the welcome. I am new to posting, but will learn all the acronyms and answer the questions in the first post as asked above.

I have read the principles before but need to review them. I studied the principles while my husband was withdrawn from me a few years ago, and now it is me who has withdrawn.

He knows I had an affair. We have many unresolved issues, but he seems genuinely interested in restoring the marriage. I don't want to be hurt again and don't trust him to meet my emotional needs. He showed signs early in our relationship of being very self centered. He does a lot for me, but in a way that makes it about him if that makes sense. For instance when he gave me my solitare after 10 years together, he talked to everyone about his diamond shopping experience.

By joining this forum, I am looking for support as I weigh out if I am going to stay in this marriage or not. I feel selfish for wanting out, but I don't ever see me getting my needs met if I stay with him.

Have you told him what your needs are?

Make sure you read the Emotional Needs articles. Also read about being open & honest with your spouse.

Thanks to maritalbliss for the advice.

I have printed out the emotional needs questionaire and will answer and share the answers with my husband. I'll also read the article on being open with my husband.

I have to admit, after my physical affair ended, I still had a strong emotional attachment with my AP and only recently freed myself.

My husband and I are working on a reconnection. I had prayed for God to make him the man I needed, and I finally see it is possible.
_______________
Me: 43/WS:45
3Sons:21,17,8
Married 9 yrs
Me1/WS2
WS met AP in evening college class, Sept '07/ A:3mos but continued contact after
I met AP yrs ago, but A happened Dec ;07 thru Aug '08

D-day Nov '07 by e-mails/texts
I confessed my A to husband in July '09

MangoSkiye,

I also welcome you to MB. I do have a question for you. Are you praying to become the woman your H needs as well?

What are you plans to become that woman? More importantly what are your plans to become the woman that YOU can respect?

You have had an affair. You have violated your own morals, your own boundaries, and I am sure you don't want your children immulating your behavior.

I am on you about this for a reason. Your H may well change, but it won't make any difference if you don't. Further YOU are the only one you can change and those changes start by deciding on what your morals are, what your boundaries are, and how you will cope with difficult times in the future.

Please think about this very carefully, because it will affect how well you gather the important information on this site.

God Bless,

JL

Is the No Contact in place with your affair partner? Do you occasionaly see him or hear him or check FB page etc? Do you still have reminders (photos, music) from the affair which you are using? Are you planning to pursue your affair partner if you will end your marriage?

I will ask you to be totally honest because if the affair (partner) has still some influence over your decisions then it is not fair situation for your husband.

If you are already working on marriage then the maintaining the absolute No Contact (never see him, destroy reminders, ...) is very important to succeed.

Whew! Ouch! But THANK YOU FOR ASKING ME HARD QUESTIONS, Just Learning and recon6mo!

I see that I have been selfish in making so many demands on my husband without taking a good look at the kind of wife I was. I did a lot for my husband and it was all about him and our children earlier in our marriage, but I guess I always had insecurities that I had not resolved.

I am looking at and working on being a better spouse, on finding out what my husband's needs are and meeting them.

Yes, Just Learning, I know that if I don't change me, it does not matter what good my husband does. That is a depressing thought sometimes, because I wonder if I will mess us up at some point.

I did have fantasies of my husband leaving me or something and my AP wanting to make a life with me, but that is silly as he is obligated and unlikely to ask for that. I am letting those thoughts go and working to build my life on sound marital principles and do my best to be a good example for my son and be a good wife.

My husband says he has never stopped loving me even through all our trials, but I had stopped loving him and am now trying to rekindle my feelings for him. The problem for me is I lost respect for him during our trials, but everything happens the way it does for a reason. He is a good man. I feel I have given a lot for our relationship.

I will keep reading and applying the principles here, keep working on me and keeping praying for our relationship to be restored.

_______________
MangoSkiye
me: 43/WS:45
Married 9 yrs
3 sons 21yrs,17yrs,9yrs
WS met AF in college class in Sept 2007
D-Day Nov 2007 through email, voicemail
I met my AP years ago, but had A in Dec 2007
My WS D-Day was Aug 2009 when I confessed
ILBNILWMH

Mango,

Here is something that will sound very counter intuitive to you but it seems to be true. Many Wayward spouses, WS', come here and the explain that they didn't start out to have an affair, but an acquaintence need help, was having a hard time in their marriage, etc, started to talk to them and seek their input. Gradually over time the person providing the support fell in love and the affair was off and running.

Now here is the point. It seems often it is not having persons needs met, that leads to an affair, but it is meeting someone elses needs that leads to an affair. Suggesting that if you actually sought to learn and then addressed your H's needs you just might find yourself falling in love again.

I will tell you that your H deserves your respect if he is willing to stay with you and address your affair. It takes a strong person to deal with that pain and still want to remain with you, a woman that does not respect him or love him.

Now before you say JL I thought you told me to read the articles here on MB and yet you are telling me that having my needs met isn't as important as meeting his, let me offer a bit more insight.

The example I gave suggests that the WS was having his/her needs met. One someone was listening to them and sharing their life with them. Two, a strong need of many and especially men is to be needed.

Mango, the information on this site is very simple to read and understand but it is subtle and it is not easy to implement. As you post and ask questions you are going to gain an completely different perspective on relationships and marriage. You will change your perspective on yourself and your H and you will learn that while you can only change yourself, changes you make will encourage your H to change as well. This stuff is nonlinear.

Please read, ask lots of questions, and realize that this is a process and takes time, thought, and effort.

God Bless,

JL

Mango,

As I am sort of in the same boat as you, I don't have a lot to offer. I will say; however, that JL does so listen.

I was in the place you are. I didn't know if I wanted my marriage but I DID know that I was not in a state to make any sort of decision in that regard. It wasn't fair to my DH to do that when I still had such strong feeling for my AP and although it doesn't matter, it wouldn't have been fair to my AP or any other new relationship to make such a decision while everything was muddled so I waited...and it is getting better. I am still thinking and learning and trying. Can I say for sure that my DH and I will make it through this? NO, but I can say that I will certainly give it my all and I will not leave for another man or another life. If my DH leaves me, I have decided I would not contact the OM and I would not try to find someone else. Until I can make a decision from a calm rational place, I will refrain from doing so.

Good luck to you. Remember feelings follow actions.

Mango, I'm taking it to mean that your AP is married. Have you informed his BW of your intrusion into her marriage? She deserves to know what has happened so she can make decisions based on the truth of her M and her life.

This is an important part of the process of coming to terms with what you have done.