Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1
W
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1
My husband had a relationship with a married woman in May. They ended in August. We seem stronger and happier now, but I can't seem to forget. The image of them having sex keeps on popping up in my head. I think the fact that he almost left me for her makes it even worse for me. If they just had sex once, and that was it, I wouldn't feel as much pain as right now. My question is, will this ever end? Can time really heal me or do I have to do other things to help me forget?

I understand that my husband should stop talking to the woman, but he is not willing to. He keeps on telling me he will never leave me and they will never be more than friends. He lets me see his conversation with her too. Should I just back up and let it be? I told him every time he talks to her, it's a stab on my already bleeding heart.

I think I am holding it up pretty well, but occasionally, I will picture them having sex while I am at work or in school. As you can imagine, that really decreases my productivity in life. Please help.

Last edited by wanttomoveon; 09/21/10 11:08 PM.
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Hi WTMO

I am so sorry that you need to be here, but trust me when I say this is a resource that will help you now.

The visions of betrayal will only end when the affair is certifiably dead. It is far from that right now.

I know the exquisite and unique pain you are in, friend, but please know that despite the custom-hellishness of adultery for the betrayed spouses, most affairs are actually common and predictable. This also means that proven tools can be used against adultery to give your marriage the best chance of recovering !

Read all the articles and resources available on this board staring with How to Survive Infidelity. You will see laid out the toolkit you need to use in order to end your husbands affair and begin to rebuild you marriage.

Your husband's affair is still active. Th every first requirement for attempting recovery is no contact with the affair partner. ZERO.

Until this is verifiably in place I GUARANTEE he is still in his affair with he OW.

A great way to deal a blow to the affair is also to expose it to people whose opinion matters to your WH and the OW. His / her parents, her spouse, workmates, etc etc.

This sounds terrifying but trust me it is utterly necessary.

I will not drown you with information right now ! Just make sure you read all Dr Harleys brilliant article by clicking on he link I gave above.

You might want to ask the moderators to move this thread to the " surviving an affair" message board too, as most of the wise counsel you will need frequents that place most.

Have faith that there is hope for your marriage and Dr Harleys Marriagebuilders tools and the smart folks here can help you. You are not alone.

Read up the articles and post back details of your marriage so we can help more easily: how long, now many kids, ages, details of the affair etc. We'll be here for you.

All blessings


MB Alumni
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 9,015
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 9,015
(((Wanttomoveon)))

Quote
My husband had a relationship with a married woman in May. They ended in August. We seem stronger and happier now, but I can't seem to forget. The image of them having sex keeps on popping up in my head. I think the fact that he almost left me for her makes it even worse for me. If they just had sex once, and that was it, I wouldn't feel as much pain as right now. My question is, will this ever end? Can time really heal me or do I have to do other things to help me forget?

The "vividness" of the pictures in your mind will fade with time, but they will likely never be totally "forgotten." The mind is very much like a computer in that it stores information for a very long time and only a physical breakdown of the system (i.e. alzheimer's) can totally erase the information stored therein. However, as you noted, with healing of the marriage and with time, you will find yourself "accessing" that information less and less and in that respect it will be "forgotten."

The biggest change will actually be the emotional impact that it has on you (or doesn't have) as love is rebuilt and as you learn to trust him again�and that takes a significant amount of time. Until then you have to "choose" to endure the "flashes" and keep moving forward. But the "key" actually lies with your husband, not with you. HE has to do everything he can to rebuild the marriage and reestablish trust and love with you�and trust me on this, he is NOT there right now. I can say with confidence simply because I've "been where you are currently at." I can say that because there is NO compromise or substitute for NO CONTACT with the OW, not for ANY reason. THAT is one of the "prices," a KEY price, that HE must pay as a consequence of his actions. How long you may choose to "give him" to get to the point of agreeing to, and implementing, NO CONTACT is up to you, but there will be NO recovery until that is established.

Quote
I understand that my husband should stop talking to the woman, but he is not willing to. He keeps on telling me he will never leave me and they will never be more than friends. He lets me see his conversation with her too. Should I just back up and let it be? I told him every time he talks to her, it's a stab on my already bleeding heart.

NO, you should not let it be. There is room for only 3 people in any marriage�Husband, Wife, and God. There is NO room for anyone else. "Forsaking ALL others and keeping myself ONLY unto you." Promises are promises and the marital vow does NOT equivocate. Neither should you.

One of the things that a WS needs to learn, accept, and embrace is the idea that "I will never again be the source of pain to my spouse." ANY contact is a very high level of pain that is inflicted upon the Faithful Spouse by the unfaithful spouse. How do you think HE would like it if you were the unfaithful spouse and you were continuing to have contact with the Other Person. Having endured contact for the first several years of my own recovery, I can tell you that I confronted my wife every time I found out about it and reiterated my "condition" of remaining in the marriage�NO CONTACT FOR LIFE.

But recovery is not a simple and smooth thing, so only you can evaluate the totality of your recovery efforts. But if you don't make a firm Boundary on this issue, you will never heal and neither will your marriage. He CROSSED THE LINE, and there is NO "going back to we're just friends." Period. "Choose� her or me, but NOT both" is an ultimatum, so be careful how you state it. But be firm and uncompromising that he cannot "have it both ways," and he WILL have to choose because YOU will not remain in a marriage with any other woman involved in it, let alone one that he had a sexual affair with.

Quote
I think I am holding it up pretty well, but occasionally, I will picture them having sex while I am at work or in school. As you can imagine, that really decreases my productivity in life. Please help.

It sucks�no doubt about it. I used to have to pull off the road and cry for a while before going on to see my next client. It will pass, but it will take you time to get there.

God bless.
FH


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Wantomove, 2 questions for you, and a suggestion:

1) Does the other woman's husband know about the affair?
2) Have you read the book "Surviving An Affair"?

If your husband is still in ongoing contact with the other woman, then your marriage relationship isn't in a "recovery" phase yet. The affair hasn't ended, it's just been dialed back to "merely" an emotional affair, assuming your husband is being open & honest with you (about which you're entitled to your doubts). And I put "merely" in quotation marks there, because it is a huge mistake to regard an emotional affair as less dangerous than a physical affair, or to believe that an affair is not occurring if things are only at the emotional level. I made these mistakes myself, and as a result, my emotional affair -- which wouldn't die, because I kept in contact with the other woman -- became a physical affair, and I almost lost my marriage to the best woman in the world because of it. There are particular things you & your husband need to do to recover your marriage & make it better than it was before the affair (it is certainly possible to achieve this), but severing contact between the affair partners is a crucial first step in the playbook.

So my suggestion is, you might want to ask the moderators to move this post to the "Surviving An Affair" section -- it gets more traffic. And order & read that book -- it's the playbook about which I spoke.

Last edited by GloveOil; 09/22/10 05:09 AM.

Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 9,015
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 9,015
My suggestion would be to leave this thread in Recovery where you are more likely to get responses from folks who are not "in the throes of emotional reactions" that are common to the "newly betrayed."

You'll have to judge the value to yourself of "quantity of responses vs. quality of responses" to your posts.

FH

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by wanttomoveon
My question is, will this ever end? Can time really heal me or do I have to do other things to help me forget?

Unfortunately, the pain won't stop until the affair ends. There is no chance of recovery until all contact ends. Have you exposed the affair? Is the OW married?

I would demand that all contact end and if it doesn't, then Plan B is warranted. Sorry you are here. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
WTMO,

My husband had a relationship with a married woman in May. They ended in August.

If they just had sex once, and that was it, I wouldn't feel as much pain as right now.

Sex even just once usually indicates an enormous emotional affair, remember your husband is addicted to this woman.

I understand that my husband should stop talking to the woman, but he is not willing to.

You need to tell the OW Husband right now without warning or threats, he will clamp down on this horribly abusive communication between them.

Your H will likely tell lies about the OW Husband btw, that he cheats too, that he drinks, that he wants a divorce etc. In reality he is likely just another person like yourself kept in the dark.

God Bless
Gamma

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Do they work together?

Is she married?


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by wanttomoveon
He lets me see his conversation with her too. Should I just back up and let it be? I told him every time he talks to her, it's a stab on my already bleeding heart.

Should you just let it be? Well, you have a decision to make. Do you want to let him keep stabbing your heart or not? I think it would be a terrible tragedy if you let that continue.

Have you read the steps to recover from infidelity?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Whoa! Nelly!
You poor thing. You have a lot of reading to do. I see you registered yesterday, and the A has only been over a few weeks.

Tons of confusion and pain? Yup.
Don't know how to handle situation? Check.
Wayward spouse thinks they can still call the shots? yes.

You are right where you need to be. I think the best thing for you is to put your emotions on "auto piolet" right now, there are anti anxiety meds that can and will help.
and you need to read.

The best book to start out with is Surviving an Affair. You can buy it on this site, or check your library.

Secondly read the basic concepts and forums that help you.
Your husband is still in WW fog, he believes he can still call the shots.
You are in the best place you can be now to recover.
Follow the advice.

breathe. There is help for you.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted by wanttomoveon
My husband had a relationship with a married woman in May.

Does the OW's H know about the A? If he does not, you should inform him - that should help to end the ongoing contact very quickly.


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by ForeverHers
My suggestion would be to leave this thread in Recovery where you are more likely to get responses from folks who are not "in the throes of emotional reactions" that are common to the "newly betrayed."

You'll have to judge the value to yourself of "quantity of responses vs. quality of responses" to your posts.

FH

Thank you, GloveOil, for making the right suggestion. This poor girl is most definitely NOT in recovery.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by wanttomoveon
My husband had a relationship with a married woman in May. They ended in August. We seem stronger and happier now, but I can't seem to forget. The image of them having sex keeps on popping up in my head. I think the fact that he almost left me for her makes it even worse for me. If they just had sex once, and that was it, I wouldn't feel as much pain as right now. My question is, will this ever end? Can time really heal me or do I have to do other things to help me forget?

I understand that my husband should stop talking to the woman, but he is not willing to. He keeps on telling me he will never leave me and they will never be more than friends. He lets me see his conversation with her too. Should I just back up and let it be? I told him every time he talks to her, it's a stab on my already bleeding heart.

I think I am holding it up pretty well, but occasionally, I will picture them having sex while I am at work or in school. As you can imagine, that really decreases my productivity in life. Please help.

wantto, do they work together? Can you give us some more background on this? How old are the two of you? How long was the A? Do you have children?

This A is continuing in some form. You'll need to kill it to recover your M.

Please give us more info so we can help you

hug Welcome, and I'm sorry you're here. But you've come to the right place.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by ForeverHers
My suggestion would be to leave this thread in Recovery where you are more likely to get responses from folks who are not "in the throes of emotional reactions" that are common to the "newly betrayed."

You'll have to judge the value to yourself of "quantity of responses vs. quality of responses" to your posts.

FH

FH, I am appalled that you would suggest that this woman is in recovery! The affair is continuing! Do you feel that GO disrespected the Recovery Forum or something? faint Of COURSE she's having emotional reactions! Her H is in an ACTIVE AFFAIR! They are NOT IN RECOVERY FROM AN AFFAIR!

Oy. Vey. I will edit my bad words by myself and save the mods the trouble. doh2

mad


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 282
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 282
Wanttomove

I can so identify with what you are feeling. I wake up in the middle of the night and all I can see is WH and OW, with her head between his legs, making the kinds of noises they talked about in their e mails. See, he slept with her in my bed, so its kinda tough not thinking about it, he also screwed her in the car, so now I don't want to ride in his nasty a$$ car.

This is the damage they do to us with their selfish lowdown behavior.
What am I to do about that?
Wish I had some advice for you but if you figure out how to get rid of the thoughts-PLEASE share it with me. I am badly in need of some sleep, and my body is protesting!!!


BS me 55yrs
WH 59 yrs
M 34 yrs 6/26/2010
DD 25
D Day May 5, 2010
NC 5/12/2010
Duration of affair 5 years, but other affairs discovered on D Day
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Teaser 8 and all

The movies were so intense to begin with I had to adopt a technique to distract myself from reliving the horror over and over. I learned to put a "stop" sign in my mind when I noticed the triggers building up. This became a useful habit.

In my experience the most shocking "movies" still play occasionally but do not have the power to hurt me as they once did.
It is as if I have developed emotional calluses on the spot where such triggers used to shred me. I noticed that I would occasionally allow one to play, so as to roll the bitter taste of it round my mouth. This just served to make me consider Squid to be the vile cheat of six years ago. Very counter productive behaviour. I've stopped that now.

The longest term solution is to build such a loving marriage that you're having too good a time to look back at the bad times too much even with your mind's peripheral vision. Thats where Squid and I are now and we love it so much we might just review it on "Tripadvisor" for others smile

All blessings


MB Alumni
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
(t/j, sort of): Thanks, MBliss. I don't think ForeverHers was suggesting that Wantomoveon is in recovery yet, or suggesting that I dissed the Recovery Forum. From what I've read, in prior years, the SAA board wasn't as evenly "policed" by the veteran posters & mods, and apparently there were more instances of non-MB-consistent advice being given than newer members like you & I are used to seeing in our more brief time here.

Having said that, for whatever reason, the SAA board just seems to get way more traffic than Recovery, and since I see an overwhelming preponderance of good MarriageBuilders advice in SAA, I thought that, based on this poster's predicament, she'd get more support here. Re: "quantity v. quality," IMHO they're both important: A parched person in the desert needs high-quality water, not water that'll make them sick, but she may also benefit from more than a few tablespoons' worth. Folks who come here for the first time -- BSs or WSs -- are indeed in emotional turmoil from what their spouses or they have done, and so sometimes even the best advice doesn't sink in until one has heard it from the 37th respondent. (As I recall, it took a few 2x4s from various points of the compass to help me see some things straight, and that was even after my wife & I had been in 8 months' worth of what passes for a luckier/smoother-than average recovery.) But FH is a longtime vet who was apparently around a lot in prior years, and I think we're all "on the same page" in wanting to see Wantomoveon helped with good advice. (End of my t/j.)


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
See, he slept with her in my bed, so its kinda tough not thinking about it, he also screwed her in the car, so now I don't want to ride in his nasty a$$ car.

teaser, I missed this info on your thread. You've got to do something about this. Some couples leave their homes and move to a new one because the A happened in the house.

At minimum, I would suggest that you get rid of the bed if you haven't already. Also, redo your bedroom. Paint the walls, recarpet, etc. Treat it as you would a bloody crime scene.

AS for the car - this one is easy. Get rid of it. I put a big bath towel on the passenger seat and back of FWH's Mazda when I had to ride in it. I never wore the seat belt because the sleaze-bag skank wore it when she was with him. I didn't ride in it more than 5-6 times before we traded it in. But you'd better believe that big bath towel was under my butt before we got rid of it.



D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
Thanks, MBliss. I don't think ForeverHers was suggesting that Wantomoveon is in recovery yet, or suggesting that I dissed the Recovery Forum. From what I've read, in prior years, the SAA board wasn't as evenly "policed" by the veteran posters & mods, and apparently there were more instances of non-MB-consistent advice being given than newer members like you & I are used to seeing in our more brief time here.

I know - based on his length of time and number of posts, I almost fell off my chair when I read that wantto was in the recovery forum and he thought she should stay there, where the traffic was lighter.

Maybe FH should stroll over to SAA and see how it's policed now instead of telling newbies whose spouses are having A's that their place is in the Recovery forum where the emotions don't run so hot?

Sorry, wantto. I'm tromping on your thread. I'll shut up now, except to ask you how you're feeling today? Please answer when you've got a sec: does your WH and OW work together?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 09/23/10 05:54 AM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
Just to let you know, you are not alone. I to have a husband who will not stop contacting the "other woman". And he too claims they are "just friends". His affair was 9 months ago and everytime I see her name pop up on his facebook account, and yes I do monitor his activities ( it's like a drug, I cannot stop looking even though I know it's just going to hurt me) it feels like the day I discovered. When I try to explain it to him he just gets this sad look on his face like it's my fault that I don't trust him. I'm not saying that I didn't have a hand in it, I understand that I was not fulfilling his emotional needs, but enough already. If and when you find a way to get him to stop contacting her, let me know how you managed it because I to need for it to stop so I can begin recovering.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 105 guests, and 42 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
purple17, cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux
71,729 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,547
Posts2,322,775
Members71,730
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5