I have been married to my husband for almost 11 years.

We've had a good marriage with the normal problems once in a while 'not enough sex', 'spending too much money', etc.

Overall it was a loving marriage.....

I've never learned to deal with money (no allowance, lived with parents most my life and then with husband) so I fell into the debt trap.....I was too embarrassed to ask my husband for help and tried to get out of debt on my own....which with my tiny paycheck didn't work out.....

He's a saver and has several savings.....he's been begging me over the last couple of years to please start saving (thinking I was rid of my debt) and to contribute to the bills.....

We fought over this and me working at a daycare where I make little money and have no chance of ever making more.....so I'd be stuck in this rut.....and me not going back to college to get a different degree and then a better job.....

When we fought like this I surely wasn't interested in sex and my husband is (his words) a sex addict.....

So this became a vicious cycle......

I think when he hit midlife crisis (buying new clothes which he's never done in 10 years, getting depressed and unhappy with our life) he's got into online contact sites esp. Facebook ....

He went to a family reunion with his brother in July, he called every night all sweet and loving, came back, was his old self for about 2 weeks, got mad about a charge made on the phone bill for movies on demand and the following week he's shut me out of his facebook account and changed all passwords to email accounts, bank accounts etc.

On Labor Day weekend he told me he wants a divorce...:eek:

Claiming he has been unhappy for years.....I'm taking him for granted, don't appreciate him and don't respect him.....

I begged and pleaded, cried and cried, but he said he didn't love me anymore, only as the mother of our children.....

He said he built anger and resentment towards me because all of those years I haven't changed (financially, education wise, sexually, etc) despite his begging.....and he's DONE....

The same night we had sex....he cuddled with me (which he hasn't done in ages) and even cried while holding me all night...

We've had sex on and off since then and he would hold me at night.....

I started working on myself immediately and made great progress.....finances are going slow, but I'm doing it (with his help).....

He's given me hope and so I was devastated when I saw divorce papers on his desk......

He said he's started the process, but it doesn't mean that it will be turned in....giving me hope yet again....

He started suspicious behavior with his phone, carrying it with him at all times, hiding it under his desk when I came in and I was sure he had an affair....he denied it adamantly....I wanted to believe him.....

We got along so great, no fighting, laughing, smiling and having sex.....

Then all of a sudden the last couple of weeks he's been presenting me with papers regarding the divorce and to please sign them.....I stalled....

Last week then, my youngest son, got to play with his computer while he got ready for work.....

Son came to me saying he's messed up daddy's computer so I went to check it out.....I fixed the mess and saw the recycle bin.....I just had to open it....and found.....pictures of a ****** half nude, with her b**bs showing.....cell phone pics......amateur pics.....

I restored them and they went to a file in his pictures, so it wasn't just porn from a temporary file....

I frantically printed those pics, but didn't say a word to husband.

Until that night when I found the divorce paper yet again....."Please sign !!!"......

I texted him (night shift) why the hurry, and he said no hurry but he was advised to turn it in or the case will be dropped.....I said, no biggie since we could make this marriage work.....

It ended up going back and forth and showed me that all the hope he's given me was just tactic to get me to sign the papers....

I told him I know that he doesn't want the divorce just because he was fed up with me not changing my ways, but that I also know about "HER".....

He stopped messaging right then....

I texted that after 10 years he owes me the truth....he will get his divorce, but he owes me the truth about that ******......

Next day he was distant.....I asked him about her again....he just laughed at me.....I said "I have pictures"....and he said cold "Nothing with me in it!".....

That was it....

I wrote him a final letter saying how much I loved him and such and that he will get his divorce, since I can't force him to love me....

I put it in his car when he went to work....

I'm broken....heart broken.....devastated.....

Can midlife crisis cause a faithful, loving and caring husband to go over the edge like this ???

Where he throws everything away just for an affair ????

Never in a billion years did I expect this to happen.....not with him !!!!!

He's not the man he used to be for 10 years.....he's cold and I don't know......just awful....

How long does a midlife crisis last ????

Is it possible he'll snap out of it then ???

That he realizes what he's done and regret it ???

Any experiences with this ???

Please, I'm desperate for hope !!!!!!!

I know I can't stop the divorce, but I would even give him a chance after because I know he's not himself right now !!!!!!!

How bad is your debt?
How much in US $$ dollars?

TRANSLATION:

You've been lying to your husband about money for YEARS.

The Result ?
Zero love bank balance

I can only speak from my experience, but years and years of resentment and not investing in your relationship fully is what led to the affair. It is merely a consequence of your love bank being empty.

Plan A time.

Please click on the Carrot/Stick link in my sig line.
Read the thread front to finish.

Then, begin.

Carrot AND stick.

You'll need more carrot than most BWs need, because you've been love*busting pretty badly for a long, long time.

It's not too late.
But get started.

I understand that my actions over the years led to him resenting me and falling out of love with me....

My debt is in the thousands and it's like a vicious cycle....I've been making the minimum payment every month and every month was charged over half of that in finance charges....

I understand I've made a mistake and I'm working on it....with his help....we're making double the payment together now.....

If I sign the divorce tomorrow we'll be divorced by beginning of next year....if I don't I lose my husband for good because he thinks I owe him to be well and only a divorce ensures for him to be well....

I don't want to lose him completely, I don't want to have one of these horrible ex-relationships with him, because he has been the greatest guy I've ever known and for the sake of the kids....

I can't stall the divorce...or he will resent me more and more until there's no turning back....

How can the carrot/stick tactic work if divorce is imminent ????

I'd bury him in carrots if it would do any good !!!!!!!

Help !!!!!!!

Lost - I recognize your story from another forum. Please listen to the vets on here. I think you'll get better help without their advice and the MB principles.

I would not wish what you are going thru on my worst enemy.

Right now your actions will speak more loudly than your words. Hang in there and if nothing else work on educating, protecting and growing yourself. It's easy to sit and wallow in what if's and what should have been's. The hard part is getting in there and doing what you can to take care of #1 which is you! Without taking care of yourself - you can't take care of anyone else effectively.

I agree with Pepperband - read the Plan A and do the best Plan A you can!

Do you have your own lawyer?

Gg

I am working hard on myself....and I will not stop....it's just not an option either way....

But it's so hard to swallow that even though you're turning into the person you've always wanted to be and you always should have been it doesn't make a difference for the person you love and you know does still have a little love for you in their heart (his actions at night and when he looks at me sometimes).....

If divorce wasn't so easy and fast to do here (TX) I'd be more confident that with time I could recover his love for me, but once we're divorced it's like a 0.1% chance

No, and I know everyone will argue that, but we've agreed on a "friendly" divorce and he's already started the process (just waiting for me to sign it)...

He's taken great care of us for the last 10 years...we were never missing anything....

I don't want to take him for all he's got....he's been in the Army for 24 years, fought in Iraq, Afghanistan and Somalia several times....he got out of the Army for us, his family....he joined the Police Force to ensure that we can live a good life.....all the money he's made and is making he's worked hard for and even risked his life for it....I don't want to do that....

The divorce decree is fair and I can't complain....other than that I want HIM !!!!

So far no infidelity in your M. Your H recently starts suspicious behavior and starts putting pressure for quick D and you're handing it to him which tranlates to pretty much you agreeing to him leaving the marriage to pursue OW or women. Whose to say OW doesn't have debt - what is really going on with your H? You need to start snooping - you're being blindsided. No marriage is perfect and few marriages start out with financial intimacy. Marriage is work and it is the hard times that help bring couples together and grow closer. It is so much easier to walk away - your H is being a chicken or is in active A.

G

That is in the past, you don't know what he is going to do in the future. My WH used to take great care of us financially. If you check out my thread you will see where we are now.

Protect yourself and get your own lawyer. Even if it is just one visit to have someone else look over the papers. This will also give you more time to stall. Make an appointment with a lawyer. The next time he asks you to sign tell him you need to think about it and you need to read over the papers. If he questions you about you trusting him and what is in the papers tell him you just need time to read it over and let it sink in. Then take the papers to your own lawyer.

I know I'm making enemies this way, but I will not involve a lawyer in this....

I've read the decree and the terms in it are fair....custody and money wise....

No matter what....I will be able to support myself if need be....

I feel better saying "I'm an independent woman and I am making it on my own" than relying on his money....I need to grow up and I will.....I need to do this for me and our children....

I trust him that he's not going to let his children suffer...he has this problem with me....not with them....

As I said....he's resentful and bitter with me, but his children are his everything....

I have to make him see he's making a mistake some other way.....

I'm sorry, but fighting the divorce is not an option.....

I agree, marriage is work and I'm willing to work on it...he's not....he's given up, because he thinks he's given me chances for years, but I never realized that he was....

Men and women are so different....

Q: Can you get him in to see a MB counselor before you sign those papers? Can you?

That is the key thing. Not just any counselor, a MB one or better yet, talk to Dr. Harley or someone at the MB Counseling Center?

Lost, if you don't want a divorce, why are you giving him one?

I've been begging him for counseling but he said it's too late....I wish he would....

I think he refuses to go to counseling because he knows it would mess up his determination....

And right now he's determined because he thinks this is the only way to his own happiness....

He's in a fog and doesn't see the love and possibilities.....

Sadly, because I know that if I don't agree there will be war....and I have sworn I will not battle with him....for the sake of our kids....

My best friend is battling with her ex-husband for over 4 years now and it even went as far as their son needing some serious counseling....constant court dates etc.

My friend lost so much weight, has ulcers and other health problems....she's so on edge, she's very high strung with her kids......

I don't want this to happen....

I'd rather pride myself in doing it on my own....many mothers have been able to do it, and I will be able to do it too.....but I trust my husband not to neglect his kids in any way....

He might be wrong about our relationship but he will not do wrong with the kids !!!!!

I think you would be surprised by the number of xW's who felt the same way and then were sadly surprised by their xH.

Do not trust yourself to be your own attorney.

I will have to take it then...I wouldn't be the first mom to raise her kids without a father....

I will deal with what life throws me....