If your wife has a brain injury that she's not dealing with have you considered that the brain injury itself prevents her from dealing with it? Perhaps she isn't capable of doing what you're expexcting from her. Someone very close to me suffered a brain injury years ago. It changed who he was. His personality changed dramatically. He had to go on disability because his injury affected his short term memory. He couldn't concentrate on a task for more than ten minutes. He'd wander away from that task and on to something else. He exhibited poor judgement regarding his own behavior and took dangerous risks. All of these things were directly related to his brain injury. He couldn't help it. Is it possible your wife can't help it either? Are you blaming her for behavior she can't fix?

My friend's wife, by the way, ended up divorcing him (and endured a lot of hateful comments from others) because he was someone completely different from the man she married but mostly because she felt his inability to be responsible and his bad choices put their young children at risk. In my mind, she made the right decision.

I didn't get the impression they were married...Pariah, set us straight. To me there's a big difference between the commitment in marriage and living together. One can be gotten out of (which is why it usually isn't a good idea to get into) and the other should be seen through thick and thin. JMHO

No, we aren't married and she knows I will never remarry.

Marriage is an outdated religious concept to control the masses who were eaten by dinosaurs before they could have a mid life crisis and cheat.

I may not buy what you're selling Pariah but I certainly do appreciate your point of view! lol...

Well, you've been here two years longer than I have, but I've been here 3 years myself. I've read your entire story. And I've read every post where you remind everybody how horrible what you went through was. And I have no doubt it was awful! But I still think you have a lot of self-pity, dude. And that prevents a healthy personal recovery. Lots of us have been through painful divorces to varying degrees - it's not a pissing match as to whose is worse than whose. Focus on recovering and let go of the past.


You do understand that people react differently to trauma, right? You may have reacted one way, but that doesn't invalidate Tabitha's DIFFERENT but equally valid reaction. It sounds to me like you lack empathy, and have intentionally shut that emotion off as a self-defense mechanism..... is that about right?

And you're on a site called "Marriage Builders" why?

Do you never contact your best bud from band camp when your time there is up?

That's the idea I get, he has friends here.

I second what Arpeggi said.

I sense a lot of unresolved anger and resentment in your posts. You may want to try to find a way to release it. It will harm you, and those around you.

To try and figure out what's wrong?

I KNOW why I am angry. I had my cheating wife try to have me killed and the judge did NOTHING.

He GAVE my retirement to my cheating wife. ($65,000)

He GAVE my house to my cheating wife. ($120,000)

He gave me all the debt and owed taxes on top of the $30,000 in medical bills I owed from my injury. THAT is what I'm angry about.

On top of it all, the church I attended turned me out to the wilderness because her sister's husband is head of the deacon board. The pastor refered to her as "redeemable" and me "a distraction".

The system rewards adultery. Period.

Oh and just a single yes or no to MY question Fred.

Did you win or lose?

Yes.

I lost everything. You got your house, the car (heck you even got the satisfaction of having it repoed), your retirement and yet y'all have a problem with me being angry and bitter.

She even killed my finches and nothing happend, I didn't even get any sort of compensation over it other than being told to suck it up.

Those of you who won at least half, consider yourself coming out on the winning side.

I got my freedom with a huge helping of debt.

I forgot to mention that I have been shanghaied into states evidence by the GBI for CRCT cheating at the school system where I used to work. You wanna case of nerves? Have some large dude in a freaking black trench coat show at your work and give you an "interview" in the conference room after everyone sees his badge.

Pariah,
I understand your bitterness, I really do. I have been screwed over in the past, and I know there's not always justice in this world. But your bitterness hurts YOU, not her! It takes concerted effort and positive focus to overcome what others have done to us. If you don't want to be a victim, it's important to be an overcomer and survivor...and that requires not letting them have the power to change you negatively. OTHERWISE they win!

The judge should lose his job for what he did to you. I can understand your feeling victimized by the system on TOP of what your wife did to you. But I could tell you a bad story that may equal yours (mine from a long time ago)...the difference being I decided to move past it and not be held hostage by it. Life's too short! I sincerely wish you the best. And I understand why you're here...you aren't here because you recently selected this place for compatible beliefs...you were already here from from a long time ago and made a lot of friends here when you were going through it...this was your support system, and so you are still here. I'm sorry your church did what they did to you. I could tell you my story from years ago...I went through some similar stuff and had similar response from society...no protection, no supportiveness, no help...but I really wouldn't see the point in dredging it up. Just know you are not the only one who's been screwed. I'm just glad I've moved on from it...I may have gotten the shaft again, but I also have had some good experiences I wouldn't have had if I had hung it all up then! I met and married and enjoyed a few years with my late husband before he passed away...and for the rest of my life I have memories of having enjoyed a wonderful love...and that, no one can take away from me.

Pariah, have you ever sought counseling? Allowing resentment in your life to this degree is like swallowing a poison pill and then expecting the other person to die.

To be less metaphorical: it's killing you, man - and doesn't hurt your ex one bit.

A (GOOD) counselor can help you sort out these feelings and help you set yourself free from the bondage of feeling so angry over things you can't change.

I don't blame you for having these feelings. Heck, all BS's have them at many points. But you're so far out from your D, that essentially you're allowing her to live, rent-free, in your mind. Don't let her do that to you! You're better than that, and you're better than her.

Who is going to pay for this counselor? Wait, if I had the money that my exwife stole from me I could afford it as my health insurance sure won't cover it. Heck, I'd feel so much better I wouldn't need any counseling. I tried going to a counselor and it cost my my teaching career because the "counselor" blabbed to my supervisor and I got sent to a witch hunt. I got a clean slate, but I felt violated so it was time to move on from that job and moved away.

Church counselor? Where do I start? The church blames the victim while defending the adulterer. Been there done that. The church is an outdated, corrupt institution that eats it's wounded.

At least I can pay the school system back with being the witness in the cheating scandal investigation. They wanted a witch hunt, they sure got one now. The ex-super is going to get federal time and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Pariah, I feel sorry for you. I really do. I know you want justice but I don't know how that can happen.

I can tell you one thing: The solution to being raging mad at one person and unable to take it out on them is NOT to hook up with somebody else and take your anger out on them. That sure it what it looks like from here. Why else would you be with this person??

What do you think would make you feel better? I'm not talking about revenge fantasies. I mean, *in the real world* - what you give you even a small sense of justice and ease some of your anger?

You are boiling in a sea of rage and bitterness. Nobody can live like that for long. I'm not saying "just get over it" - I'm asking, what you make *you* feel even the smallest bit better so *you* can have a decent life for *yourself*?

Which is EXACTLY what you want her to do about her Mother's diagnosis of cancer.



You care more about the loss of your finches than you do about your GF's mother having cancer. Yep, your thread title couldn't be more accurate.

You are a character out of one of those LMN movies.

I shudder when I I think about your GF not truly comprehending the type of person that you are.

committed

Adding a thought..is this the reason that you date her...because she is so brain damaged that she will NEVER really comprehend the real you? Afterall, a woman with no dramatic traumatic (guess it goes to show that I am not "perfect". Anyone can make a typo..) brain injury would be able to see the REAL you...and would jettison your [censored].

Pariah,
Recently you told us you got a raise...spend it on a GOOD counselor. Your previous counselor broke confidentiality laws and you had grounds to sue them. Heck, sounds like you have grounds to sue almost everybody! All I'm saying is, if you don't learn how to let some of this stuff go and move on from it, you're destroying yourself...not her, not the church, not the former job, not your former counselor, you're destroying YOU! Do this for yourself! It's as important as food and water and the air you breathe, it's your own peace of mind and mental well being we're talking about.
Your old church isn't one I'd want to be in anyway...count yourself fortunate to have found that out and find a NEW one, a much better one! Pariah, I have been through all of this. I barely escaped with my life from my first marriage...he cheated on me, beat on me, threatened to kill me...and you know what? My church sent me a letter the day after I left him (I was literally in hiding for my life) asking for a letter of resignation. I promptly obliged them. The law didn't help me...he broke the restraining order I got and they wouldn't even do anything about it. I had the most expensive lawyer in town and it landed me nothing. I literally didn't get away from him until I was willing to risk my life than live like that any more. I could have been the next day's headlines, so yes, I do know what you're talking about, I got the clothes on my back and the bills. But you know what? I moved on from it. He doesn't consume my life, he doesn't paralyze me...he's not worth it. Neither are they (the church, the ineffectual DA, attorneys, police, etc.). There were no women's shelters in that day, and police...someone called them once, probably a neighbor, and they came out and asked me what I did to deserve that (beatings). Farrah Fawcett in the Burning Bed brought back so many memories...but you know what? Not any more! I am strong, I am a survivor, I CHOOSE to live life as I believe I ought to, I CHOOSE to be positive, I CHOOSE to be happy! And I CHOOSE to believe something good is in store, even if it means I live alone the rest of my life! It's okay! You have to deal with your baggage before you're ready to be a partner to anyone else. You and this other woman are in a bad cycle together...neither one doing the other any good. You resent her...she doesn't need that. She has serious issues...you don't need that. Work on inner healing, make that your goal, so you can be happy and at peace with yourself and your life...it will look much brighter from that perspective.

You are a walking time bomb with all of your anger. I'm not saying you aren't justified in having anger, just that it needs dealt with and NOW!

Mulan is right on.

I know you didn't ask for advice, but I gave it to you straight anyway because I know you've suffered and quite frankly, I think you deserve a whole lot better for your future! My best wishes for you...

It's not dramatic brain injury, it's TRAUMATIC brain injury, but it was from a stroke, not trauma.

Well, I guess she would be justified if she "jettisoned my [censored]". She has nowhere to go and no means to support herself. I'm not mean to her. I just don't care that her mom has cancer. I am irritated she folded up, failed to notify that she didn't pay the bills and wouldn't move from the sofa until I forced her to go down to the unemployment office to find out what was going on. I act like I care to her. She wants for nothing, but I NEED her to keep her priorities straight.

I paid for her to go and stay with her mother for her surgery, I wouldn't deny her that as it means so much to her. She brought me back a pobiy sandwich in gratitude.

Tabs didn't kill my finches, my ex wife did.


The real me isn't very nice anymore. That person is long gone.

I am trying to fugure out what is wrong with me. Don't worry committed, I wouldn't want a "perfect" woman like you either. I had one of those and she was just as morally superior.

KC, I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for sharing, I don't feel so alone.

Many days I AM happy. When I am with my owls or whe Tabs and I go do something together. I get angry when the taxes I still owe come due from XW r@ping my retirement.

Tabs made us reservations at the winery for Valentines Day brunch. It makes her happy to go and do those things and I enjoy the winery. It's expensive, but it makes her happy and she feels special when we go there. She made sure to emphasize we would be alone. She has a good heart and I admire that about her. She doesn't have an angry bone in her body.

I just wish she was a bit more motivated on things that she deems tedious. What she considers problems, I can throw money at, what I consider problems, she can throw effort at. I just need her to take the initiative so I don't have to worry.

My retirement back and the money I paid for the house she stole from me.