Ummm..... I find that hard to believe.... was he/she a LICENSED counselor? Confidentiality is a mandate for them unless you're making plans to hurt yourself or others... so if that's true and the counselor disclosed personal details about you to an outside party, you would have one hell of a lawsuit against them.


Fixed that for you. Pariah, I'm sorry that your church did that do you. But, although I am not a Christian, I have been to a few churches with some of my friends that would NEVER have done that to anyone. And although I have seen my share of hypocrisy in Christians, there are some churches who practice what they preach. By the way, the longer you stay bitter, angry, and consumed with self-pity, the more they have won. Fight back by getting back up on your feet, dusting yourself off, and walking tall.

OR...... stay bitter, angry, and grow old knowing that they beat you.

You're better than that, Pariah.

KC, you are truly the definition of a hero (heroine?) I can't speak for Pariah, but you just inspired ME to continue to strive to shed any remnants of my "victimhood" and to try to walk strong no matter what this messed-up world may throw at me.

God bless!

KC: ditto what Arpeggi said. Thank you!

I want to make one point to everyone else viewing or responding to this thread:

Please don't discount what Pariah is saying. These horrible unjust things DO happen! Licensed counselors sometimes blab. They shouldn't, but it has happened. And churches that should be there for the wounded, sometimes aren't. I have some horror stories I could tell you that you probably wouldn't believe either, but they are the truth nonetheless. The only thing that can be done about the counselor is sue them or move on. The only thing that can be done about the church is move on...realize that there are other churches that are a whole lot better. We cannot give up our faith in all humanity just because of SOME. But believe me, I understand where he is at. I no longer date because of what I've been through...I've had six major relationships and five of them ended badly...and no, I'm not difficult to live with. I'm beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and wise...I didn't deserve the ill treatment I've gotten. But I'd be the first to admit that in the past I've been naive and too trusting and had too big a heart. That's changed out of necessity and it's too bad. Live and learn, or so they say!

My real concern for Pariah is that he find a place that is better for him, that of the higher road of forgiveness, without which he will never overcome the injustices done to him and find true peace and happiness...my real desire for him.

Pariah,
I hope you have a good Valentine's Day and enjoy this special place you're going to. I don't think you're a bad person...I think you and your SO are very different people...perhaps you can bring some positive influences to each other and in so doing even balance each other a bit...you bring her back to reality and her bringing you a sense of humanity and compassion. In time, who knows what'll happen! But please try to let go of some of the anger and seek help with it as it's been all too long in coming.

Peace,
Kay

Jumping in here with another two cents of mine. Not asked for, but here they are, anyway:

Pariah, I've read your story. While I can't feel the pain, the loss and the anger you have, I understand them.

Many of us have had those same feelings. Maybe not to the same degree, but not every alcoholic has the same bottom, either.

Here's my solution to the Problem:

Live better.

By that, I mean I am not going to continually pick at the scab created by the wound my WxW inflicted on me. I lost a lot too, but I'm not in a contest to see whose loss was worse.

So I'm going to live better. My work is going to line my pockets better than the "job" I held trying to keep a "roof over my family." My health, which took a turn for the worse, and was one of the triggers my WxW pulled to find a "healthier" man (so she picked one who then had to have prostate surgery!), is mine to address, and I'm getting stronger and healthier every day.

And my relationships are better, too. I've started dating a "non-disordered" woman, and I enjoy her company. I'm not rushing into a relationship, and there is another woman who is also on my radar screen. Nice and easy. No disrespectful behavior, no dishonesty, no game playing.

By living better, I will resurface richer, healthier and saner than I was before this all went down and I found MB. And I don't mean richer and healthier in strictly the physical sense. I am getting to be a better man by living better.

We have choices. I choose to not pick at the scab, but to let it heal. It will likely leave a scar -- a scar to remind me of the pain I endured* -- but I don't have to keep picking at it, opening the wound over and over again and never healing.

The kind people here are giving you similar advice. The only difference between a rut and a grave is that there is a way out of a rut. Where do you want to be?


*One of the posters here has/had as a signature line something like the following: "Scars tell us where we've been, they don't tell us where we're going."

Pariah,

I was bitter and angry for 4 years, while trying to forgive at the same time. I was in a bad place.

All that resentment did was take away from my life, and those around me. A brick had to hit me upside the head to finally realize that my resentment had just kept creating more pain for me. A lot of pain for me. I was not in a healthy place for a healthy relationship, that's for sure.

I surrendered. I let it go. I had to. I had this moment of clarity that showed me how I was perpetuating my own pain with the negative side of the resentment looming in me. When I finally let go and forgave my husband, it was like a divine grace took over and filled me with compassion and love instead for all of us who have flaws. It was very freeing, and humbling. It changed me.

Now, I operate from a different place. The love that I had inside me before the anger consumed me, returned and I've been given a second chance at peace.

You're not ready until you're ready, but we're all here letting you know there's a way out.

I know that. You have told the story many times here on the forum. You show more care and concern for birds dying than you do your GF's mom being diagnosed with Cancer. That's just messed up.


I am far from perfect.

Crap happens to ALL of us. It isn't an exclusive club that you are it's only member.

Your degree of misery isn't worse than anyone's elses...and who the devil measures it anyway??? Maybe someone who likes having it surround them?

I think your bitterness is like an old comfortable coat to you. You wrap yourself in it and wave it around if you are having a bad day.

Just take your own advice and "BUCK UP".

committed

Pariah, have you looked into anger management or some kind divorce recovery group? It can't hurt and might help, and groups are usually not very expensive.

Not true.
A not-nice person would not care for animals as much as you do.
This is a little lie you like to tell yourself.

BTW, I care not for the word "nice".
Let's substitute KIND or CARING instead, shall we?

Do you have the capacity for kindness and caring?
Yes, you do.

The real issue is why you avoid those "weaker" approaches towards people.




Opinion:

During the horror that was your evil exWW's adultery, cruelty, abuse and subsequent divorce, your one reliable tool that kept you alive was anger.
Anger kept you from killing yourself.

I think, even though I don't really know you, that you are afraid of what might happen if you let go of your anger.

You are afraid that the ensuing despair might kill you.

Tenderness does not equal weakness.
Anger does not equal strength.

What say you?

I love this. Can I use it in my sig line Pep?

Sure, Mopey.

:), Thanks.

I certainly understand. Is there anything at all you can realistically do to gain back even a part of that? Sounds like a lot of these folks are begging for lawsuits. Would it be worth it?

I think this is exactly right.

Wow, there is a lot of really good insight here...everyone's collective perspectives are very valuable! I hope Pariah is reading...

Pep, your wisdom is always spot on.

Pariah,

I just read your last comment to Pep, and might I say that I have chills because I am so happy that you heard Pep and agree.

Honestly, I am getting excited for you. I think that you're in so much pain and it's possible you're about to turn the corner here. Anyone who can have that much pain, also has the capacity to love just as much.

I won't be turning any corners anytime soon.

However I'm not the kind of person to go and do something stupid like a certain member did.

Hey if it's the stupid dept. you're talking about, you must be talking about me! I've done my share of stupid...

To whom and what do you vaguely refer?