I am new to this site and have spent the last 4 hours reading all of the articles. I have been married 1 1/2 years and just found out Sat. that my husband has been having an "emotional affair". I noticed a couple of months ago that he had completely withdrawn from me. I tried to talk to him and show him affection and the harder I tried the more he pushed himself away. I kept asking him if I had done something and he said no. After multiple times of trying to reach out to him and him not responding, I became angry.

We started having a lot of arguments. He works nights and so I don't see him during the week at all and on the weekends he started going to the grocery store for me and always finding an excuse to leave. I kept asking why he was leaving so much and why he never put his phone down when he was at home. I asked multiple times if there was anybody else and he told me I was crazy. After being gone "hunting" all day Saturday, I confronted him when he got home. I had logged on to our bank accounts looking for anything suspicious and then I logged onto our phone account.

I found mutiple calls (100 this month)and 1000 text msgs from the same number and when I asked him who it was, he turned pale and said that it was somebody that he used to work with that he had been talking to. He said that they have been sharing stories about each other's marriages and that she tells him that her husband doesn't talk to her and doesn't show her affection either. He said that he was "doing this for us" so that he could try to figure out what had happened to change his feelings toward me and close me off.

I since there have found out that it was not strictly phone conversations, they had met in parking lots multiple times to "talk". He swears that nothing physical has happened and I'm driving myself crazy trying to decide if he's telling the truth or not. I asked him to go stay somewhere else for a while while I figure out what to do. He told me how sorry he is, that he's completely embarrassed, and that it will never happen again. I have complete access to his email now, our phone and bank accounts and don't know where else to be looking. I found out last night that the OW lives 2 miles from my house and I've driven by 3 times today and have no idea why. I asked him if he has ever been to her house or vise versa and he swears not. He said he never wanted to know where she lived because he didn't want anything physical.

To top it all off the OW has an unknowing husband at home and a 4 yr old daughter. This whole thing makes me sick. I would have never suspected that he would do something like this since he has been cheated on in the past. Flirting has definitely taken place and he admits to sending her photos of himself and her telling him how "hot" he is. Obviously this is what he was not getting from me and that is so sad to me. I love him so much but can't even look at him right now, let alone think about how to start forgiving and trusting. What is the best way to start this process? Are there any things to read on this site to discuss the initial grieving process? I don't even know if I should have kicked him out, but I didn't know what else to do. Any insight on this would be helpful. I'm just trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

Well, it's morning in Northern Europe:-)

Firefly, you are in the best place here to be in your circumstances.

Marriagebuilders advice for your situation is always the same.

1) Get evidence
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2461388&page=1

2) Expose
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

Since OW BH does not know, informing him is a very effective weapon against the affair. Of course your WH will be very angry (very very angry, be warned) but his anger does not kill your marriage, his affair does (and the anger will dissipate fast when the affair is ended).

3) Plan A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2458276&page=1

Welcome to MB, firefly.

You've been married a very short time for an affair to have taken place. How long has the affair been?

How old are you and your H? Do you have children?

I'm 34 and we have no children yet (thank God). We have been discussing having a baby for about 8 months and had not had any luck, so we were going through all of the initial fertility testing to see if there were any problems. I thought that we were on the same page and were ready to start a family. He talked about having children all the time.

We have been living together for 5 years. Over the summer, we started having infrequent arguments and they progressed over the past few months. Most of the arguments were because my husband was not affectionate, did not talk, and is completely rude to my family, his family, and pretty much everyone who cares about him. He has a really hard time opening up and letting people in.

My husband says that he has known the OW for 6-8 years. She worked day shift and her shift overlapped his, so they always saw each other in passing. He said that they've always chatted at work "small talk". He says that around the first week of November that she started talking about her marriage and that her husband did not pay attention to her and was not affectionate. He says that from there, they continued to talk at work about each of their issues. He says that since she was going through the same thing that I was complaining about all of the time, that he was trying to figure out what had changed and how to fix it, that he was doing this for us.

Based on our phone records, they talked a couple time each week on the phone as well. She changed jobs about 1 1/2 months ago and that's when the phone calls and text msgs started becomming obsessive. Their phone conversations were multiple times a day, when he got off of work and I was at work, and the texting was pretty much all day long. Sometimes as many as 6 phone calls a day and up to 50 texts a day. My job has been extrememly time consuming since October and I guess that I didn't pay enough attention to him.

He is a deer hunter and so I didn't think much about him being gone so much, because that was typical for all of the October and Novembers that we have been together. After hunting season was over, he still continued to find reasons to be gone. I would go to the grocery store during the week, while he was in bed, and then he started going to 'pick a few things up" on the weekends. He would tell me that he was going to the grocery store, or shopping for Christmas, or shopping for my birthday, and be gone for 3-4 hours and then only come home with a bag or two. I kept asking him why he was going to the store alone, that we used to go everywhere together and he never really said much. Basically I would yell about being alone all the time and he would say, I know, I need to be around more, I need to show you more affection, I need to be nicer to people. It was literally the same conversation every week.

I asked him multiple times starting in November, if he still loved me and wanted to be married to me and he would always say, I love you but we argue all the time or that's why I'm here. I tried explaining to him that we wouldn't argue if he would start trying to be around more, but he made no attempts to even try. At the begining of January, I told him that I was tired of him saying what he needed to do and not actually doing anything about it and that he had until the end of the month to start showing me that he still wanted to be married and he said OK. I have suspected that something was going on for a while, but had asked him and he of course said no. Just last week, he started being more affectionate, rubbing my shoulders, saying I love you, taking me to dinner ect. but the whole time he was doing this, he was still talking with her.

After I found out on Saturday, we talked for a few hours about the situation, I asked him to leave, he left, and then came back to talk again. He is currently staying at his mom and dad's about 20 minutes away. I told him Sunday, that I had the OWs name, home phone, cell phone, and work phone numbers. I found her address and verified that it was correct. I told him that there was to be absolutely no contact with her anymore, and he said no problem. I told him that I should expose this to her husband and he at first said why, it will only hurt him and their child, but then he said OK.

I told him that he had that one chance to tell me everything that was going on and he told me that he was willing to be completely open and honest with me. He told me about their phone conversations, him talking about hunting, and work, and how his day was. Her talking about her new job, her kid, and what she did all day. He said that she's a babbler and that she would call and text because she was bored. He said that some flirting started going on. That she would text him and say things like hey sexy, and I miss seeing you. He told me that she asked for pictures of him, so he sent pics of him at the lake with no shirt on, and she would send pics of her and her daughter. Some of them make me sick becuase he would send me the same picture at the same time. He says that it was completely stupid and that he guessed he was trying to "show off".

He says that there is no physicall attraction to her at all. He then admittend to seeing her 5-6 times at the store. He said that she would text him and ask what he was doing and he would tell her that he was at the store and she would then show up. She would text him when she got there and ask to talk. During these 5-6 times, he says that he would hop in her car and that they would talk for 10-30 minutes and then he would leave. He said a couple of times that she hugged him goodbye, but that it was not sexual, just a quick hug and saying see ya. He said that a while back he was in her car talking and she grabbed his hand and he told her that it was wrong and that she immediately took her hand away. He said that this was the extent of what he had done and that he had no intentions of starting a PA. He says that it is completely over and that he will never do it again. He is completely reluctant to go to counseling and feels that he can "do this on his own by showing me the husband that he can and should be". I feel that counseling is a must and that things won't get better if we don't talk to someone.

I have exposed this to all of my family, his family, and my best friend. I have been trying to decide if I should expose her to her husband and had told myself that I would watch his phone records and emails and if she contacted him again, that I would tell her husband. I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not. Since I don't know them, I don't know how to find him without her knowing, or if I should confront her as well.
Right now, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I feel "dirty" knowing that he shared such intimate details with this woman. I'm having trouble getting out of bed and getting dressed, let alone trying to go to work. Even if it truly wasnt physical, it still hurts the same. Should I just have him stay away for a few weeks until I can figure out a way to look at him again, or does he need to be here to start working on this?

Thank you all for the advice and support. I will print off our phone records today and keep digging to see if I find something else. Thanks for the links above and the book advice. I will start my reading today.

Once you have sufficient information you must tell the OW's husband , this is a zero option to protect you marriage. With her husband knowing it lessens the chances for her to contact your husband. Furthermore they cannot work together , ever.

I'm sorry hun, but it was most likely physical. My H tried to play that card at first too.


Please tell ow's H.

Firefly, you need to break up your posts into paragraphs. This makes reading much easier for folks.

I'm not anywhere near as experienced with this as most of the vets are but I would say that your WH affair is also physical. Just my opinion based on what you've said above regarding him being gone "shopping for 3 or 4 hours" and returning with very little. Please brace your self for this. I really do feel it has been and most likely will continue to be a PA.

You need to snoop and get a voice recorder. Put it in his vehicle. A GPS would be good for tracking his comings and goings also.

As far as him staying at his mothers this can be sticky. Hopefully somebody more experienced than I will guide you there but if you plan on doing a plan A, being separated will not help. If he has said he has broken it off, ask him to write a no contact letter to her which should be approved and sent by you. You said you have her address and it was verified. YOu alos said you have her home and cell #s.

You must call her husband and let him know what has been going on. The vets here can tell you what to say and when to contact. My guess would be yesterday. That you need to do as soon as possible in my opinion.

All, what do you consider to be enough information to expose to OW's husband? I have cell phone records and that is it. He has deleted all messages, so I have no records of exact conversations. Other than our bills, I only have what he is telling me. They no longer work together, so nobody sees them together.

Sorry for the horribly log posts earlier. I had so much to say and didn't want to take up so much space. I'll make them easier to read moving forward.

Got to go to work and try to function...
Thank you all for the great advice.

Carka, how did you find out that your H's was physical? I've asked everyway I know how and he denies it. He says to look at how long it took him to be physical with me. We dated almost 4 months before we slept together because he said he wanted to make sure it was right.

Do I continue to question him to see if it was a PA or just accept what he is telling me for now?

You have more than enough to expose to OWH. You have the cell phone records - 1000s of texts a month is NOT INNOCENT TEXTING. You also have your H's word. Let OWH know that he has confessed to you.

This A is almost 100% physical, not emotional. Ask your H to agree to a polygraph in order for you to know you have the truth of your marital reality.

firefly, NO ONE chats in parking lots for hours with a member of the opposite sex. The business of leaving to go shopping for hours is also bogus. The excuses of shopping for your birthday or for Christmas is one of the older excuses in the Wayward Handbook for getting out of the house to meet their AP.

Finally, cut bait or fish. Do you want to recover this M? Then tell him he needs to come home. You can't recover a M living apart.

There are some things you're going to need to do in order to feel safe again. We'll tell you more about those things, and they fall under the heading of 'snooping.'

Finally - do NOT talk to your H about snooping or exposure! You never warn a wayward in advance of this. It gives them time to pre-empt you and come up with a cover story with their AP.

I would call her H today.

You have enough information to expose to OW's H. The odds are high that they've already tried to warn him that you're a crazy and jealous woman who thinks that OW is having an affair with your H and that everything has been innocent.

OW's H will WANT to believe his wife.

It's also the case that your H has likely taken his contact with OW underground. He's probably opened up another email account you don't know about, gotten a cell phone you don't know about, or done something to continue communicating with her.

Exposure to OW's H is critical to ending this affair. It's not an option.

And yes, I believe that he has been physical with the OW.

The question for you is this: You're young. You have no children with this man. There's tons of good men out there. Why settle for one that has cheated on you when you have no family to save (children) and you haven't been married very long?

Think hard about that.

My current wife dropped her ex like a hot potato when she found out he was having an EA with another woman. She dropped him and didn't consider reconciling one bit. It was over for her after she hung in there for months, not knowing why her H was acting crazy. Once the affair came out, she was done.

I'm glad she left him because we otherwise would have never met. She and I got married this past summer and use MB in our marriage and have made it a cornerstone of our relationship.

I share that with you simply as food for thought.

You have a legitimate right to end this right now.

If you wish to save things, however, the advice doesn't change. It's the same either way. Expose to his OW's H. He has a right to know and can be your greatest ally in monitoring the two of them to make sure contact is severed.

But again, why put yourself through that when there are no kids?

My biggest piece of advice is that you stop trying to have children with this man until he has a total transformation and accepts MB principles to rebuild your marriage.

Firefly,
Just want to let you know I feel for you and am going through something similar with my H. I just recently posted here too. Try to keep going in everyday things...work, friends, etc and trust yourself. Hopefully I can take my own advice.

Take care,

Dee

Firefly, sorry you are here but welcome. You have been getting great advice.

I just posted this to Dee... One of the biggest mistakes BSs make is trying to "talk" to their WS about their A. This is almost useless. All he will do is gaslight you, lie & deny deny deny and confuse you. For now, just focus on busting up the A.

I am sorry to tell you that this has gone physical. Please be careful about STDs.

You must inform the OWH. Don't put it off. He can help you bust up this A but he also needs to be able to protect himself...

Your best, best weapon against this A is the OW's husband right now.

Keep is short and as kind as possible, but give him all the information you have, and tell him the facts that your H has told you(so he can compare it to what she says).

He deserves to know.

Firefly --

Since your husband has expressed remorse and a willingness to recover, here is what I would do:

Order a SIM card reader. It will recover all deleted texts as far back as he has had his phone (hopefully he has a SIM card phone...)

Then ask him to hand his phone to you. As long as he's being truthful about not contacting OW anymore, he shouldn't have a problem handing it over.

Dial OW's number and see if it pops up on his phone as Jim or Bob. (a typical wayward trick to hide OW is to hide her contact info under a man's name...)

Then take the SIM Card out and download to your reader.

Then you will have the evidence to present to her husband -- as well as reveal the true nature of this relationship. You will see if he is being honest with you -- or just honest with what you can prove...

He'll never admit to a PA. Will accuse you of being crazy for thinking such things.

You'll start to question your own sanity. The only way to get the truth is to snoop.

Been there, done that. Was gaslighted as well. You will only get the truth through things such as reading his emails, cracking his passwords, or getting him on audio while talking to OW.