Please don't take this the wrong way.

Shut up already about what your H is or is not doing that falls below your expectations. I am not interested.

Please write about ways you plan to keep your own behaviors true to the "basic concepts" as expressed on this web site.

I am tired reading about the many ways your H disappoints you.

It is not productive.
It is a waste of time.

Look at your own inventory, and make permanent repairs.

You hear that?

PERMANENT REPAIRS <~~~~ of your behaviors that make being married to you more miserable than joyful.

YOU are in the "crazy cycle"
LINK to Bob Pure visual aid

Well I thought I was by working on my anger?

I also thought this was the place to vent and ask for direction on how I handled things?

My plan is to keep working on making myself better.

How do you stay happy and pleasant when the person you are around is the one causing you the anger? This is what I need help with.

The things I am doing:
Journaling when I get angry
Breathing to control my anger
Excersising to help release the anger
Eating the right things to help me get healthier
Laughing and watching movies to help me

I'm trying to take my own inventory and making permanent repairs.

So what am I missing?

I KNOW I AM IN THE CRAZY CYCLE!!!!

You aren't telling me anything I don't know and that is why I am asking for your expertise!!

Commit yourself to showing your H respect.
Daily.
Find a moment.
Find something he did right, no matter how small.

TELL him.

"Wow, H. You did (name of action). I respect you so much for that."

Heck, invent ways to tell/show H respect.

"I've always respected the way you (action)."

Daily respect.
Unexpected on his end.
Daily.
Multiple times daily when possible.
Try it for a month without questioning it's effectiveness.
Then, evaluate after one month.
If it is not effective, you're not doing it right.

Cook him his favorite home-cooked meal.
Tell him it is because he did (some effort he made) and you want him to know you appreciate that effort.

"H, I made your favorite meal because you put so much effort into keeping the cars well maintained." FIND something he is doing right, and USE it.

Remember, a month without any complaining about your H.
Only showing respect and admiration for what he is doing right.

Make a commitment for one month before you evaluate your effectiveness.
Remember, you are not evaluating his responses, only your effectiveness.
Are you making HIM happier with your changes?

Smile.
It is not a sacrifice to be respectful.
It is not a sacrifice to show admiration for small things.
It is you, getting your MB mojo on.

Change this.

Keep a journal for a month where you actually write down your daily admiration/respect commitments.

Stop journaling your anger.
Exercise instead.

Ok thank you I will do it for one month!!

Thank you so much for your direction.

Quick question, BH;

Why is it that you get to be a FWW/BW... but your H only gets to be a WH?

Hmmm?

I thought there was "hurt on both sides?"

I guess it's because his was as recent as right before he deployed (not counting the other ones) and mine was almost 4 years ago.

I guess you're saying I haven't earned my F yet or he has?

There is hurt on both sides and that is why we have a mess for a marriage.

The only person for whom I grant an "F" is my own WW. I cannot, will not, grant it for any other. Not married to them, don't have to live with them and love them.

Your mantra; "There is hurt on both sides, and that is why we have a mess for a marriage."

You are each a WS and a BS - you each have your own sins and pain to account for, and each one will do so differently - it is where you come together that it counts.

While your own action may have been 4 years ago, neither one of you has begun a true recovery process - more of a sweep it under the rug process.

Don't having an infidelity-comparing pissing contest - just make the changes.

Thank you.

Back to the grind and I will truly become a FORMER(WW).

Thanks for the guidance.

Thank you so much.

Just since yesterday I have told him many times of the things that I respect him for and what he has done that I admire.

So what do I when he has lied to me about something or is talking to a woman at the gym? What do I do about that? How do I handle that?

Think about your short term gain vs your long term plan.

Discuss here.

There is a necessary discussion (future) about the proper way to complain/voice concerns in a marriage. Hence, avoiding the deadly sacrificing that turns your Taker into a screamer.

I honestly do not think you can afford to do that (complain) at this time because your skill level for avoiding love busting is so ( ummmm) not "there" yet.

Would you agree?

Can you shelve your complaints for a month?
Can you focus on making him a happy camper for a month?

If you do not think you can voice your concerns without it making a diminished effect on your efforts to show respect ... then the option is to delay it for awhile.

It's like jumping steps ahead before you have mastered the beginners steps/skills.

I totally agree with you that my skill level is not there yet to voice complaints in a healthy way without lovebusting.

Yes I will shelve my complaints for a month and I will focus on him being a happy camper.

I have been able to stop the AO when something comes up but I still DJ.

I will continue to work on my beginner steps/skills.

And I will continue to support your efforts to turn this broken M around.

So, for now it is; meeting EN's, and ABSOLUTELY AVOIDING LB's.

You are here, he is not. Let's not discuss his behavior - let's discuss yours.

The goal; for your behavior to be the gold standard in your M.