You prioritize it above everything else. You sit down with a schedule for the next week and you put your UA time in with ink and schedule everything else around it. It comes first.

I have a toddler and until recently DH and I both worked until 5.

DD goes to bed between 7 and 8. We go to bed between 10 and 11. This gives us anywhere from 2-4 hours A NIGHT. Which is anywhere from 14 to 28 hours a week. We would do chores together while talking about our day (i.e. fold laundry together while watching a movie, clean the kitchen together while dreaming about the future, etc.) Thus time spent maintaining our household was also time spent together. We usually felt closer after things like this so we count it as UA time.

Again, after DD goes to bed, rather than going to our own pursuits we do things together. Sunday night is movie night. Monday, Wed and Saturday are game nights. Friday is date night. Tuesday and Thursday are story nights where we read stories together. See, we SCHEDULE activities so the time isn't just wasted. There is a link here for a Recreational Activity Inventory. Go through it and pick things to do together and give yourselves activities to do during UA time.

Early in our marriage we learned how to dance at home in our living room.

Occasionally we'll wake up an hour early before DD goes to bed and spend the morning together eating breakfast. We'd meet up for lunch once a week.

All our extra-curriculars were put on the back burner for a while until we developed the habit of spending time together. Now it is effortless. Now that we're consistently hitting the amount of time we need, we've started adding in the extras. I've started spending time on my reading and I go to a book club with other women, DH has stepped up his personal exercise routine and has gotten back into his hobbies - but we let those go for a while so we could focus on spending time with each other. Now we schedule our personal stuff around the couple time.

It is tough with small kids, and it may seem impossible, but is it entirely doable.

We've already decided that when DD gets older she is going to be allowed only a limited number of extra curricular activities. I don't believe it is healthy to over-schedule children and so I'm not going to be running to ballet and soccer and piano lessons and gymnastics and ... and ... and... Her activities will be limited so that we can have a minimum of 15 hours of family time a week as well as the 15 hours of couple UA time.

It's about priorities.

OK all of these items from the A/OM are also going to violate NC and keep you stuck.

Pictures
Notes
Texts
Emails
Momentos
Contact info still on phone/email (should be deleted)

Do you have any of these?

Keeping ANY secrets will also keep you stuck. Have you told your H the truth yet? If not do you plan to? If so WHEN?

It may feel like we are hammering you...but we are actually trying to help you.

Because it was a FANTASY...you only saw the "good side" of him and he only saw the "good side" of you. You both were lying to each other and only showing the side of you that you wanted to share.

An A is not a real-world relationship. Ask anyone who's had an A and they will tell you this. If you are honest with yourself you will know this to be true.

A week is NOTHING.

When you and your H begin replacing what you *thought* you had with your AP with UA time (Undivided Attention) time, RC (Recreational Companionship) time, Conversations, Affection and SF (Sexual Fulfillment), the thoughts and feelings you had for the OM will fade QUICKLY. He will begin to disgust you as you and your H fill these needs for each other.

BUT...you must, must, MUST have NC ~ and that includes everything as someone else mentioned (looking at FB, etc.). There is no getting around this. If NC is broken, it will set you back to square one.

Actually, your H DID pay for it since married couples are MARRIED and funds are MARRIAGE FUNDS. Money that you earn isn't "your money". It's family money. That is how a MARRIAGE works.

And she doesn't feel this way only because wpg's husband has left her...my H feels the same way and our M is better than ever and I have not left him.

Your M can be better than anything you've ever imagined but you MUST follow the "rules" of recovery. There is no way around that.

Yup. Same with my H. After ANY contact with the OW, even if they didn't see each other at work but just were both there on the same day, he would feel confused about me and the M.

It took about a month of 100% NC (leaving the workplace and deleting any trace of her, including ditching any mutual friends, everything) and the fog lifted. He wanted NOTHING to do with the OW and repeatedly said how embarrassed he was over what he had done.

Right. I have heard this same thing many times as well.

NC is the crux of recovery.

Our last session with Steve we had scheduled out our 15 hours per week and emailed them to him. He hasn't given me any tasks to do when I think of the OM, has just asked if I still do.

It's hard to get a lot of information out of you, and that leads us to try to help you by making guesses about your situation that might or might not be right. It's just about all we can do when you are so slow to answer questions and reluctant to volunteer information.

For example, you were asked:


It was reposted one more time before you answered it.

And so far the only part of this you've answered is what your most recent assignment with Steve was.

You were also asked:


And your answer was a bit evasive:


Can you clear up this timeline a bit? Can you start volunteering clarifying information? It looks like you are trying to say the very minimum to answer. If you'd be just a bit more helpful it would reduce a lot of the assumptions that bother you so much.

So did you have sessions with Steve before your husband joined? How many sessions with just you? How many sessions with you and your husband? How many, total?

This doesn't make any sense to me. It is a good thing that your H has hope for the M while you continue to deceive him? If you aren't serious about NC, EPs and radical honesty/transparency with your H, then he has every right to file for D. Why should he continue meeting some of your ENs while you continue to do things that jeopardize the M?

I would appreciate it if you would answer the post where I asked you line by line about items that are violations of NC.

Thank you!

Why not? Wouldn't it be best to give your marriage the best chance possible by getting both of you involved?

Steve will discuss withdrawal with you if you tell him you're having troubles. He'll give you practical tools to combat your symptoms of sadness and anxiety.

Your suffering and pain is real, as selfish as that may sound to others.

Steve may recommend anti-depressants to alleviate your symptoms.

Your pull to the OM is still strong. You had contact with him only a week ago. Be determined to not contact OM again because it will only set you back to experiencing all this grief again and again.

struggling, you didn't answer my other questions.

Does your H know all the details of your affair? Are you still holding things back?

Has Steve had you complete the How and Why statements yet?

Okay, so I called Steve by myself the first session approximately 6 weeks ago. He told me that I had to end all contact with the OM. At this point in time, my husband and I were separated. So, my H moved back in after I told him all about MB and we started sessions together 5 weeks ago. So I had one by myself, my H and I together have had 5. My H just found out about the affair a week ago, so basically we start over.

No, Delta, we did not complete the How and Why statements. Yes, he does know everything about the affair. I have no pictures, texts, emails or anything from our relationship, only memories. I have told my H about me posting on here and what has been replied and that he should get on here and read as well to help with his healing.

Why were you and your H separated 6 weeks ago if he didn't even know about the A? What was the cause of the separation then and how long were you separated?

We were separated because I told him things weren't working between us and we mutually made the decision, thinking that if he was gone, I would miss him, make me want him back, etc. We were separated for almost a month.

Do you see now that the real reason you separated was so that you could carry on your A without worrying about your H finding out?

It's very important that you realize this so you can start to see how foggy your thinking was/is.

How long has your H been back in the home? Did he come back after he found out about the A or before?