DDay for me was a long time ago. I read all the Harley posts very intensely, and WH read them too at my request.
At first, I found out about what he claims was "only" an EA with his co-worker. I believed him at the time and later concluded that I didn't know if I believed him but was too emotionally exhausted to agonize over it.
We tried marriage counseling locally. I found it to be a bust. We went through a year of what I thought was recovery, during which time my WH went through cycles of lying and breaking no contact and denial and I had to snoop all the time and install a keyboard logger to bust him.
I only outed him to one of his co-workers and to his brother, and I had an angry confrontation with OW on his cell phone.
During this snooping period when I was trying to ensure NC, I then found out this "EA" was only the tip of the iceburg, that in fact he had been seing escorts for years, and he claimed it was not "sex" but only for massages with happy endings.
So now while I had been trying Plan A, going on trips with him, being nice to him and trying to meet his emotional needs, I felt like I was rewarding him for all his years of bad behavior.
I gave up on couples counseling 6 or 7 months after Dday, his relapses and the discovery of th hookers. and told him he needed to go to counseling himself. I kicked him out of our bedroom and tried to get him to move out but he slep in the guest room and refused to move. After a few months of this, he finally showed some genuine remorse and I tried to forgive him.
He worked harder at being a better father to our toddler. I thought we were doing ok, even though I didn't have a "plan" anymore. I was just too beat up to try any more or do anymore. He stopped seing his therapist.
then 2 years after DDay, I foundout he had been sending money to one of the escorts. I told him I was filing for Divorce and he begged again for my forgiveness. I told him to go back to therapy because he was sick and I wasn't going to get involved in his treatment.
I think I have been in denial now for another two years, but time did heal me to a degree and I was feeling more affectionate towards him.
However, of late, I am realizing that he never had any realy "consequences" from all his lying and cheating and I still do not trust him. Especially because I know that the porn and escort issue is really addictive and I have no way to know if he is "treating" his addiction.
How do I now institute these polices of radical honesty and get on with trust building after spending a couple of years just trying to get my own act together and just letting things slide?