Melody lane-
I know I did not have sex with the OM. My husband knows I did not have sex with the OM. The OM knows we did not have sex. That is all that matters. He actually did not believe me, it took him talking to the OM for him to actually believe that we didn't. But, thats neither here or now, you are not the one who I need to prove my love and honesty to.
My husband has also hired a PI which he used to help uncover the evidence of my affair and I have to assume he is still using, so I have absolutely no incentive to lie, because I cannot lie anymore. Everything is the brutal truth. All I want is my loving husband back and to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do not want to put his two wonderful children through a second divorce, which I know would be devastating. I choose my marriage and family. I love my husband so much. I just want things to get better. Maybe I should just leave though. Maybe I don't deserve to be married anymore. I can't imagine ever building a life with anyone again though and I don't want to.

School bus,
Thank you for your words. They are appreciated.

Actually your husband does not know. He only has the word of 2 liars. This is why I suggested you offer to take a polygraph. I am sure he wants to believe it, but he should not unless and until he has something more than the flimsy word of 2 self serving liars. And if it is a lie, dear, it will come out LATER and probably destroy your marriage. This is why I suggest getting it out NOW while the getting is good. Your story is not credible and if it is not credible to us, I would imagine your H has doubts too. If he doesn't have doubts, he SHOULD. And he would be right to doubt that story since it doesn't ring true.


Oh no, you and I both know you have lots of incentive to lie. And if you are telling the truth you should EMBRACE a polygraph, not run from it. A polygraph is a very effective way of establishing truth.

Why wouldn't you WANT to do that since you claim you are telling the truth?


Your husband doesn't deserve what you dished out to him.

Hi Up,

I'm glad you want to save your marriage! This is a good thing.

You and I have a few things in common... I too was severely abused as a child, I too choose to betray my H and go outside of our marriage to make myself feel better with zero regard for my H or kids and I too had a life long habit of lying.

I know you feel like the other posters are coming down hard on you but what they are trying to do is to get you to take an honest look at yourself. Let me just say that at this point the "reasons" you choose to destroy your marriage don't matter. My past and nothing my H ever did "made" me cheat. I made the childish and selfish decision to look outside of my marriage for comfort and let's face it, so did you. Because of this, it's only fair to say that you are solely at fault here. If you can't grasp that you don't really have any chance at saving your marriage.

You also need to understand that what you've done is the basest of betrayals. The pain you've caused your H is almost more than a person can live with. The fact that you expect him to get over it and just move on shows that you don't really care about his pain...you may actually care but that is not what you're showing. It's like telling a guy who gets shot in the head to get up and pull yourself together.

It's in your best interest, if you are serious about saving your marriage, to let him ask as many questions as he needs to. You owe him the truth about everything and he will need time to heal. The sooner you come clean with everything, the sooner you will be able "to move on with your life".

Come clean with every aspect of it. The truth up front is going to show your H that your sorrow over what you've done is genuine. On the other hand, every single thing you withhold will show the opposite and will sabotage ANY good thing you do.

I really hope that you are able to stay the course and take the advice you find here. You are not alone. There are other men and women here that have had to learn the same things you are getting ready to learn yourself. Please read EVERY page on the MB site and BE HONEST NO MATTER WHAT. I know you're scared, use that to drive you to do the right thing.

Grace

@ Grace- thank you. I am scared. I sometimes wonder if it would be best for me to just leave and try to start a new life that wouldn't be scarred by all this. But, in my heart, thats not what I want. I want my life with my husband.

@ Melodylane- I have no problem taking a polygraph. I know what I did and didn't do and I am done lying. Thanks for your concern.

There is also a big part of me that wants to tell the OM's wife. As far as I know she doesn't know anything and I don't think my husband has contacted her. I know that this is selfish, but in my mind the OM is as much at fault as I am and he hasn't suffered at all... Very selfish, I know. If anyone has a right to talk to the W, it is my husband and I should leave that choice up to him.

Can you bring your husband here to speak to us? I can see you DO have a big problem with a polygraph and your H needs to take this into consideration.

Have you had STD testing?

Yes, she does need to know. If your H won't tell her, then you should get someone else to do it. That has nothing to with being selfish, but in doing the right thing for your victim. This woman was victimized by you and her H and she needs to know so she can protect herself and her children from you.

It's not selfish. You need to blow this wide open and you need have you H in on every step of it. The OM W has the same right to know that your H does. Help her save her own marriage by exposing this "man" for who and what he is.

No, actually I don't have a problem with a polygraph. I would happily take one. I honestly don't think it would make my husband feel better about anything though. As an aside note, we are both in the legal profession, and we both know far too much about polygraphs to trust their accuracy anyway, so I don't think he would care about the results although I'd be happy to do it if I thought it would help. I'd do anything to help. I told him I've even quit my job and move to be closer to his work and not work myself (OM is in my industry although we do not work together). Saving my marriage is more important to me than anything.

Grace- I feel like it is selfish because I want him to suffer like I am now. He is just going on with his life like nothing happened while my life as I knew it is over. (as it should be, because I was living a lie)...but so is he. I also know for a fact that there are other women besides me. This was my only affair and he has done this throughout his marriage.

We have found them to be extremely accurate, actually, in the hands of a reliable, licensed polygrapher. We have many marriages on this forum where trust was initiated with this valuable resource.

Can you ask him to come here?

It's ok to be scared. It's good to be scared actually. a little fear will keep you motivated. Let me tell you that right now it is NOT best for you to leave unless you plan on staying in an affair or have no real desire to change.

My dear wife (whom you just responded to...Grace) can tell you I am sure, that you can build a marriage that is better than anything you could possibly dream of....If you are willing to roll up your sleeves and work.

You want your husband and that's a good thing. fight for what you want. Take the lumps you will get here. They are given because they care enough to save your marriage.

Let me give you a little hope: My wife had 2 affairs one in 01 and another in 07/08. Grace's analogy of a shotgun is what it is like finding out. You can't band aid a bullet wound, you need to treat trauma like trauma. It will take time and care. We are three years out from our affair and we are making it. We are beginning to thrive and really live again. There are many others her that are like us, and many others who are far better and further along than us.

The question is not *can* you do it, but *will* you do the work.

@CV- thank you.
@Melody- he is out with the children right now, or I would.

I do have a strong desire to change and I am not planning on beginning my affair again or finding a new one. I very much want this stage in my life to be over. You are right in that it is quite possible I have never fully been accountable for my actions until now. This is rock bottom though and I am ready to change.

@grace- what made you return to an affair seven years after the first?

Up, put you feelings aside and do it for the W of OM. You owe her this. In fact, you owe her so much that you can't possibly repay it. As for OM...while you have to take total responsibility for EVERYTHING you did, OM has his share as well. This would also be good for your H. Maybe write a letter and ask H to proof it for you. Ask him if he will help you protect yourself from OM by exposing him to his own W.

It would be great if you H would sign on and post here as well. This forum has been a wonderful help to my H and myself. There are folks here who have the tools to help your H start down the road to really loving you again...the way you want to be loved.

At the bottom's a great place to be right now. So, what do you do when you fall into a big hole that you dug? You start digging out. If the affair is over, then *that* part of your life is over. But like everything in life, we have repercussions to deal with. That is a *new* phase of your life. How you will respond (as others are telling you), and how you will work will show your husband that he has someone worth fighting for.

It doesn't feel good to be where you are, but it is a good place to be, because if the desire is there and you work, change will happen.

That is a good start. Really. As long as you recognize that some of the things you have said lead one to believe you have not been accountable, and are willing to change, this looks hopeful. I know the things we said made you feel defensive, but it is really important that you listen and take them into account. Because if we see it here, I am certain your H does too.

When we point it out, we are not doing it to bash you, but to HELP YOU, because you can't change if you don't acknowledge and change these things. The place to start is here:

1. no more mention of your bad childhood or your H's bad behavior, it sounds like blameshifting

2. give your H peace of mind by offering to go for a polygraph test. This will help your H calm down ENORMOUSLY. If you can pass a polygraph it will go a LONG LONG WAY in calming him down and building up his trust for you. if you have withheld ANYTHING, now is the time to get it out

3. have him or someone else expose the affair to the OM's wife. That is a true demonstration of remorse to make amends to your victim. Show me a WS whose victim does not know and I will show you an unrecovered WS. NO WS can claim to be recovered if they haven't covered this step

4. don't ever say "get over it" or "lets move on." That is like the rapist telling the rape victim to "get over it." It is callous and cruel. Your H won't be "getting over it" for years and thats IF you render appropriate aide.

You said in your first post that your H was disturbed and upset at your lack of remorse. These are actions that will show him some progress - IF YOU HAVE IT, THAT IS.

That is where I would begin. And please do bring your H here so we can get his perspective.

Well Up, the first A was very short lived. I was the one to end it and foolishly I choose to not tell my H. I thought I could handle it on my own. The big problem there is that I never could see the things that got to where I was. I had really unsafe boundaries in place but because I didn't come clean and get help I just repeated the same stupid mistakes over and over.

I was so wrapped up in myself and my life of lies that I had created to protect myself, that I actually believed my own lies and would have sworn up and down that I WAS NOT a liar! I didn't have the support I needed to change until my H caught me in lies during the second A. When he called me out on everything he saved my life. I owe H everything.

Stopping lying was the hardest thing I ever had to learn. Now I can't imagine ever going back to who I was. Hope this helps you in some way.

Grace