STOP!

This approach is NOT MB support-ed!


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=9&sublink=57

Lost - This portion of your last post could've been written by me:

....Deep down in me i really want her to come back to who i married, but i have let her go as she is now. Thats why im allowing Divorce to happen. (I have tried everything and zero hope from her). I feel that her Waywardness needs to run its course and we will see whats left when she is done, if she ever gets it out of her. I view her as a drug addict and her addiction is OM, but she is determined right now to prove to everyone she is the boss of her life...

This is where I'm at too. My WW is in the same place as yours. She's got a point to prove by buying a house and moving out. So, do your best to let her go. Get on with your life and rebuild the best you can. The best revenge is to live well!

Yes I apologize. I wanted to say while in Plan B my approach to my own personal recovery is I am looking at my behaviors. My WH and I were in a Giver/Taker relationship. I realized I gave gave gave and put myself in the backburner. This built resentment on my part. I was calling myself codependent, and I can see how that is not the word that is needed. The equilibrium of Giver/Taker is out of whack.

I am looking at my WH now as an addict and using Plan B to detach from him.

I apologize Lost - I didn't mean to not do Plan B.

Tough~

I think your right Andy, The best revenge is to live well and that is the page im on. Its time to show her that me and the kids are going to go on to a better life and that she is the one missing out. As gone as my WW is, it may not make a difference, although i know she will be jealous that we are out having fun and spending a little money. I hope that it will impact her in someway to get her thinking of how she has messed up but i have my doubts.

I must say my WW has been 110% full on evil in her affair without remorse and no hope. THats why i have doubt that anything will really affect her.

Lost - I like that approach a lot. It puts the onus on you and you're not concerned about WW in the least. That's the way it should be - IMHO. You can't control her or her actions. You can control yourself and your actions. Your kids will take their que from you and that's how you want it.

As tough as it is to watch someone you love self-destruct, you have to do it. If you help her, you'll enable her and perpetuate the cycle she's on. I know that I will struggle with this, but I can't save her anymore. She's deep in the fog, let her stay there for now. Get on with your life. FWIW - mine shows no remorse or hope either. She does appear to be struggling, but I'm not holding my breath.

I can't imagine doing this with four kids - one is bad enough. I feel very sorry for you and your children. I hope you have a strong support network or can build one. You're gonna need a break at some point to collect yourself, mourn, etc.

Ya i finally told her congratulations she wins and im done trying. I told her i still dont support her decision, but im throwing in the towel. I dont talk to her anymore unless it comes to kids and i cringe when i have to do that. Its time to start living a better life and she is not part of it now. Something i have to get used to and time will help. I really to hope she can realize how screwed up she is and long to have back what she has thrown away. I know her life cannot be better now, so we will see what happens.

Lost - start building out a plan and/or specific tasks to start separating your life. Kids' schedules and financial considerations would top my list, but then I can be pretty logical about this stuff. That'll also help you detach emotionally from her. You need to do that. You control your actions not hers. She needs to start making her own, adult decisions.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Andy its all done. She has filed for divorce and everything is divided up. She has a job and her own place. She is paying for the divorce as i will not condone what she has done or is doing. The kids are on a schedule. I have primary custody of kids as i have mailing address. I have the house and all vehicles but one. I cut her out of finances months ago. She is living her dream right now i guess. She admits i have done everything i could to get her home but she does not want it. She only wants the kids 2 days a week and everyother weekend and she has now giving up half of that so she doesnt run the risk of losing her man. She cant trust him to be out all weekend by himself. She has to to everything now to hold on to him so she doesnt look the fool. She uses the excuse that she doesnt want to take the kids to church, but i know better. Ive been through a lot.

Hello lostman101,

I really feel your pain!

This is the first time on this site. Just like you, I have four little children 2,4,6 & 8, I suspect my wife is having an affair. Red Flags have been popping up everywhere, but my wife is a really good liar.

Six weeks ago today on our 10 year anniversary, she told me she doesn't love me anymore and wants out of the marriage. I am living in an emotional hell right now. So many questions and too many lies, she adamantly denies and affair.

We start Retrouvaille Marriage Encounter Program tomorrow, and I am praying something will get through to her. The devastating affect this will have on our beautiful little children is just uncalled for.

I will pray for you and your family!

Word that help comfort me:

Oh, if only the suffering soul knew how much God loves it, it would die of joy and of an excess of happiness! One day, we shall know the value of suffering, but then we will no longer be able to suffer. The present moment is ours. (II, 304)
Saint Faustina

Jesus insists to Sister Faustina "Graces are drawn from [the fount of] My mercy with one vessel only, and that is - trust. The more a soul trusts, the more it will receive. I make myself dependent upon your trust; if your trust will be great, then My generosity will know no limits. Sins of distrust wound Me most painfully." Saint Faustina.

Feel free to check out my story on *edit*
May God Bless you and your family always!

Lost - I know you've been through a lot. So, start looking forward. Try to put her in your rear view mirror now. Does your church have a divorce support group? Sounds to me like you need some R&R - try to find a new hobby. Hopefully one that will include adult group interactions. I'm struggling to come up with an interactive, adult group to join that would work with DS. I know I'll find something eventually.

I know that you know this stuff, but minimize your contact with her. Don't engage in IC with her. Try to let her go - go as dark as you possibly can. Focus on the kids.

I'm so sorry for you! Your older kids are going to grow up a little faster than you want - they'll have to help with the younger ones.

Leap of faith sorry your here. Being here because you seek it out is generally not a good thing. It sounds like we are very similar in our situation. Be sure to start your own story in a thread so all of the experts can advise you on your situation. There is so many good people here to help. be sure to post in my topic if you want to know anything about me in my journey.

Andy, for the most part im doing really good. I have quit all chit chat with her that i can. Many times anymore i wont respond to dumb things she says. Im looking at life as what else is out there and what can me and the kids do fun tonite. I will not and wont attempt even a date until the divorce is final and after that, im really in no hurry. I want to be me for now and enjoy life with my kids as much as i can. I will definately be looking for a new person to share the rest of my life with a ways down the road or when it happens i guess. I still know deep down that My WW was the one that was for me and that she needs to come home, but im no longer hung up on these thoughts. We had a great time for many years, but she had a couple of miscarriages a few years ago and that was the beginning of problems in her life. Maybe resentment to God i think. I dunno and i cant understand and i have quit trying, there is no use in it. Looking at the next chapter in my book and so far the pages are unwritten. Gonna make the best of it.

Lost - You sound at peace in your last post. I'm with you, I believe in my heart, that my WW is the one for me and I'm the one for her. However, she doesn't see it that way - at least right now. So, like you, I'm done chasing her. I still compliment her when I notice something, but that's about it. We also had 8 or so great years. Let's face it, the last six months or so weren't that great. But that's life. I can't change her mind and I can't get her to actively engage. Sound familiar?

I know you're on the right path Lost. I like that you're focusing on the kids - that's awesome.

Don't mean to T/J lost, but just realize that this "codependency" path is damaging. Not only if you wish to recover your current M, but also if you pick up this line of thinking and carry it into any future relationships.

MB teaches INTERDEPENDENCE, which some "counselors" would falsely identify as "co-dependence."

Viewing adultery as an addiction is a healthy idea, and enabling adultery is an unhealthy thing. Moving to a codependency line of thinking is risky.

At peace is what ive been longing for. It has been so long since i have had what i would call a normal day. Today i feel good and I just hope that each day from here on out will continue to get better. I try not to think about the past, cuz it will ruin me.

okay i need some help here on a situation. my kids do not want to go with there mom when its there night to go with her. It just turns into a mess. They want to stay with me and she says she wants them to go with her. I dont feel that she tries very hard and just wants to blame me. I have to be honest, I dont want them to go with her, but at the same time i do not tell them they cant and i do try to get them excited before hand. She just kind of sits around and waits for them to decide rather than take action. I really want to find a IM but location makes that a huge inconvience for all i know(we live in country and are not close) and i cant do that forever. So what do you do? I dont want to talk to her anymore, she is just full of herself and OM whether she admits it or not. Im sick of this part because the kids truly just dont want her, yet she doesnt get why. just makes me want to scream. Im good about everything but this. Why cant she just leave or come to her senses. Tonight they are asking her why she just doesnt come home. NO EMOTION there. she just says that is not my home anymore and she wont do it. No thoughts about the kids whatsoever on that matter. Just more her her her. Kinda venting here im frustrated with her.

Lost

First is there agreed upon days/nights when the kids are supposed to go to the WW's?

Did you sign a marital termination agreement?

Was this addressed in there?

Would it be possible to use her parents as a drop off /exchnage point possibly with some time for the kids to spend some time with G%G before they go with the WW?

In the past you have said they are supportive of you. The kids spending a little time there on a regular schedule may become routine. Also if they throw a fuss about going with the WW it keeps you out of the middle of the situation.

I did this long ago with my DS and it kept me away from the WW.

Just throwin it out there......

nESRE

You are being set up, LM.

If it comes to that, your children's emotions and biases will not easily be presented as evidence in court. The lack of time that "you" made her "darling children" available to her, or the difficulties involved, will be easily documented.

Like it or not, you need independent testimonial corrobboration of what is going on right now. Someone who is NOT directly involved must be a witness to the transfer and the attitude of the children at those times.

This is not an innovative tactic that your WW is using, although most times it is a WH who treats his children as chips in the game of "Getting to Divorce Poker".

Here's the game:

"You Honor, LM has interfered with my client's maternal rights in putting impediments in the way of her time with them. Therefore, we ask for additional custodial time (70=30, instead of 60-40?) to allow for the resumption of relations between poor WW and her estranged children"

Left unsaid to the judge, of course, is WW's offer to retract that demand in exchange for........a richer attachment of your assets?........a longer period of spousal support $$?....in the private negotiations that will be ongoing.

For some reason this site will not work for me lately. My mil is 18 miles one way from me so that really doesnt work for me. the kids did go to her yesterday for a while but came home last night. i had a talk with her today and when the kids dont want to go with her they have the option to stay with me. She does not like to have them when they are forced because they just complain to her all day that they want me lol. I was worked over the deal the other night but i am better now. Yes there is a schedule and she will be picking the kids up from an IM during the week that will work better. Cant help it they love me so much haha. Not to concerned about court, all the papers are signed and she wouldnt know what to do with them if she had them full time.

You aren't gonna leave them high and dry LostM, and they know it. They sense real love from someone they can depend upon.

We know that the day we became fathers, we shared responsibility for someones life. We wern't going to pawn that responsibilty off on someone else, we were willing to share in thier emotional needs as well as a roof over thier heads and food and shoes.

We knew that we would allways be needed even after they were grown up, to be an example of what a real Man was. Not a selfish teenager full of vanity and needing to prove something, but a stable loving parent who teachs them the value of thier word, character, and life itself. For the rest of our lives. Having children was a gift that we had to man up for, and that also was a gift towards maturity. We sought outside our personal needs for someone elses. Thats love.

This is what we thought our wives signed on for when they wanted to be married. My first one begged me to get married when I felt we should wait until we had carreers. Turned out she just wanted to have a child and play house for a couple years.

Second one said when we were talking at first the most important thing she felt she could ever be in her life was a wife and mother, and she wanted to be with a Christian man, she would not marry any other kind. But she liked to party like a rock star instead of living right and working for what you have to if you want things.

I don't know what happened to your W. What she signed up for or why, but its clear she jumped ship and didn't even give you the respect to tell you why. She sounds like one of those people who see things as black and white, and does not thing about the shades of gray that exist in that murky place of judgement in our minds. You don't have to be smart or dumb for those things to effect you, if you are not grounded in the truth in relationships, it doesn't matter what your IQ is.

She has signed up for Evil, and seems to be reveling in it. It will be extremely hard to recover from this without a lot of work and the grace of God. I know she comes from a strong religiuos background and has been ostracisized<sp> from her family, but it seems to be her strong will to do what she feels, even if she doesn't understand the consequences, or herself.

God can work miracles but only if she lets Him in. He is a gentleman, and what gift would it be if we loved him because we were forced to? He wants us to love him because we want to, because He first loved us. Until she sees what she is doing in bondage to her emotions, she will not understand the hedges God had put around her to protect her.

I would suggest a Christian psycologist in her case so they can relate with her on emotions from Gods perspective, once she hits bottom, which she will hit and we both know it. Whether there is any recovery or not will be up to you guys, and the full understanding of the gift of life, of marriage, and of each other. Because she is your childrens mom, even if you don't take her back, when she is in need of help, I would suggest that to her.

Am praying for you and your children and your lost wife LostM.

God Bless

Spot on CP she is a black or white type. We never jumped into marriage. we dated for four years and we were engaged over a year. We waited 6 years before we had kids and we always wanted them. I told her i would pay for her to go to a christian counselor of her choice and she just said thank you. I learned yesterday she now has an ulcer. WOW she never has had one of those. I know she is in a bad place. I wrote her a nice letter yesterday thanking her for my kids and that she knows where to come to make her life right again. I doubt it means anything to her, just wanted her to know that its not to late to try to be better.