Hi everyone,

I'm a long time MB reader but haven't posted anything until now. A little about my story first and then I'll get to the dilemma I need some advice about.

I was married at age 25 for three years to a woman I thought shared my values (practicing Catholic). Boy, was I wrong! After not quite 3 years, she ends up cheating on me with the next door neighbor. I find out and try plan A for about 8 months. It then comes out that she's pregnant with her affair partner's child (we already had a baby daughter). At that point, I filed for divorce and it has been finalized for 2 1/2 years.

Fast forward to today, I'm 33 and still single. I met a woman a year or so after filing for divorce who has turned out to be a wonderful friend. Actually, she's probably my best friend right now. We get along great, our values are in line, and we can communicate fantastically. The only downside is that I've never been that attracted to her physically. We have broken up a couple times because of this and I've dated other women that I have found to be much hotter than lady #1. It was great for a while but, I haven't had the same connection that I did with #1. However, when I'm with #1, I often find myself drawn to more attractive women and wishing I could be with one. That is, I don't have the strong feelings of "love" or infatuation for #1 the way I have with more attractive women.

I guess my question is, am I placing too much emphasis on appearance and losing sight of a woman that would make a wonderful wife and mother? Dr. Harley identifies physical attractiveness as one of the main emotional needs for men (I think I relate to this) but I wonder if I'm putting too much stock in it. And, if that is the case, how do I not place as much emphasis on it?

You have wisely discovered that attractive spouse is one of your top needs and you most certainly are not putting too much stock in it. Dr Harley recommends that one marry the one who does the BEST job of meeting your top emotional needs. The reason is because this drives your feeling of romantic love. Romantic love is the foundation of GREAT MARRIAGES. So if you want to have a great marriage, you should put ALOT OF STOCK into it.

If I were you, I would find someone who does a great job of meeting all of your top needs. If you have doubts now and have even broken up over this, I promise you this lack will be dectructive to your marriage. You will not feel happy and she will always feel substandard. That would be so cruel to do that to her.


Emotional needs just ARE. We don't choose them. You will be happiest if you marry the one who does the best job of meeting them.

I agree with the substance of what you say but, what if my emotional need to have a super attractive girlfriend/spouse was inordinately conditioned by my family of origin? Shouldn't I fight to stop that cycle? My parents put a lot of emphasis on appearance and I think I inherited that from them. Should I just go along with it even though it seems a bit out of wack? That is, should I just accept that as part of who I am eventhough it may cause me to miss out on an awesome match for me? And further, will my drive to date attractive women stop me from picking a great friend to be my spouse? After all, I hear that friendship is the key to making a marriage last.

I doubt that is the reason because emotional needs are a matter of wiring. You are more likely just wired like them. And it doesn't matter WHY you are that way, the fact is you ARE that way. And if you want to be happy in a marriage, you should find the person who meets your needs the BEST. Attractive spouse is apparently one of your top needs.


That is not true. ROMANCE is the key. So if you want to have a great, long lasting marriage, you should find the person who meets your needs the BEST. Attractive spouse is one of those needs that elicit romantic feelings in you. If you want to have a lasting marriage, choose someone who does the BEST JOB of meeting those needs.

I agree with Melody. I have been in your situation and I can say it will not last, the relationship I mean. I have dated woman who were wonderful people in all respects, and beautiful in many ways, but they just didn't do it for me. It caused dissatisfaction to creep into my mind. Here is something else to consider... if you don't have that flutter when you see her you are doing her and yourself a disservice.

I've been thinking about this a lot since first reading it.


Who's to say where that need really comes from? Is it from the conditioning or from genes or from where ever? If you have to 'fight' it to make it less important, how long can that fight last against something that most likely is just meant to be?

I grew up being told I was worthless and a waste of humanity and that I ruined my mothers life for the sheer fact I was born, (like I had anything to do with it - second in a set of twins unknown to be twins until I showed up). I have a HUGE need of affection to feel loved. Am I supposed to fight that because it was a need that was conditioned into me by the lack of it? Heck no. I don't want to, nor do I have the strength to fight something that big in me. To me, that would be like cutting off an arm and tossing it to the side, after all, I don't 'really' need it now do I?

Needs are what they are. They aren't 'wants'.

Being a great friend with your spouse is fine, if your top needs are also being met. If this woman does not do it for you in that need, then imagine how she will feel if you marry and she is constantly catching you eyeballing those very attractive women you see. That would be VERY hurtful to her.


Read what you wrote again.

I agree with everyone else.

You will be doing this woman a disservice if you marry her. You need to love her enough as a friend to let her go. I'd strongly recommend that you break it off with her completely. If she has put up with your shenanigans for this long, she must be infatuated and will hang on if she thinks she has a chance with you.

You're just not that into her. That's okay. But at this point you are preventing her from meeting someone else.

The other thing you need to remember, is that it takes TIME for you to feel comfortable with other women.

Thanks for the comments everyone. One more question: how should I break it off with her? Should I be honest that I don't find her as attractive as I need her to be to consider marriage or, come up with some other excuse. I'd rather not add insult to injury by breaking up with her and telling her she doesn't do it for me.

I'd go with honest but not brutally so. Just say you're sorry but you don't feel about her the way you think you should. You care for her, but it's not enough, and you think it's best if you part ways. It's honest in that you're levelling with her that your feelings are lacking, but not so out-there as saying "your looks just don't do it for me".

This. And never, ever say that she's not attractive enough for you. It will hurt her horribly and makes you look like a jerk.

Tell her that it's something lacking in YOU that makes this not work. Tell her you're sorry. She will cry. She will think it's not really over because you've broken up with her before. It will take time.

You need to go totally no contact for a long time. You will feel lonely because you've just lost your best friend. Suck it up and deal with your loneliness. This needs to be the impetus for you both to get out there and find the RIGHT person instead of settling for not-right.

I would say that you should go NC FOR LIFE. Especially if you plan on getting married to someone else. This person would be very dangerous to your future marriage.

While you should be honest, you don't need to be brutally honest.

Let her go so she may find the happiness she deserves in someone else, because if you don't see a long term relationship with her, she's wasting her time.

Why go NC for life? I've met a couple of women similar to her...terrific women I tried dating, then realized we were better friends than "romantic partners". I will not give them up as friends for anyone, although I would not spend time with them one on one if I was involved with someone else. There is a good chance that any woman I meet will have one or more male friends that she won't want to give up. That's the real world. If you are single and you can't handle your partner having opposite sex friends, then you aren't ready for a relationship with anyone. Expecting someone to drop friends for you (prior to any inappropriate behavior) is controlling, paranoid, and ridiculous. This is coming from someone who was as damaged by adultery as anyone on this site.

I think NC may be the way to go here although, I agree with you in principle, Krazy. Not to sound conceited but, woman #1 is really attached and we are too good of friends to maintain a relationship if I pursue someone else. Also, I fear I may have made it sound like I'm not attracted to her at all. I am, just not on the level I think I need to be if marriage is in the cards. Which, is another reason we should probably go NC - she would be a temptation to me later on. Not that we were sexually active, we weren't. But, there is definitely physical chemistry that would be dangerous to my fidelity down the road. It just sucks though because, as I said, I'll be losing my best friend if I let her go. This will be compounded by the fact that, I don't have many friends where I live (I moved up here because my xw's family lives here). So, this is a tough but necessary step to take.

JofC, you are exactly right and this is why opposite sex friendships with old lovers should be avoided. Its just basic common sense. It most certainly is a basic tenet of Marriage Builders.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033e_qa.html

I don't see why it's an "either/or" situation, why not keep looking for someone who has both the compatibility factor AND the attraction you need? You still have plenty of time!

Yes, you have to man up and end it if you are just not attracted to her enough. But try to be sensitive to her feelings. My suggestion is that you talk in terms of "I don't think WE are right for each other", rather than "I don't think YOU are right for me".