Aph,

Very true. Spending could be the result of an addiction - drugs, gambling.

I was thinking along the lines of acquisitions, spending to get stuff, out of control spending.

True regarding the gambling issue.


HTC has lied all of her life. It is a way of life for her, she grew up watching the truth be "changed" to suit the needs of those who also lied.

She lies about BACON. Because internally, she believes there is a world in which she knows better than others, controls things better than others, and also she has a great need to feel as though she is steering the ship the way SHE WANTS.


HTC,

Tell me about the bacon. It is important. You call it a little thing. It IS a little thing.

In this very small lie resides the self-betrayal that is fundamental to your larger problem. Do you see it - do you see yourself in the box? Why the lie?

What was the lie covering? What did you HAVE to control - and why was your husband deemed incompetent, at that very moment?

Why were you so much more competent at bacon?

SB

As to your question about everyone always putting themselves first:

Interesting question. Deeper than you think.

Pardon a long answer.

Freud would say that the Id is responsible for the basic need to put yourself first. We suppress that need, and without lots of explaining here, we have other mechanisms that basically make us do it. But if your Id is the "man in charge", you are the type of person who "wants what you want when you want it" - and you end up putting yourself first. Others be damned.

Such is the mindset of the wayward spouse. Freud's ideas for this kind of explain it well. Dr. Harley's work on Givers and Takers offers a framework for considering how to approach working within a relationship on issues such as these - so take a look at those articles, because you can see how to handle yourself in your marriage and make concrete changes in daily life.

We all do NOT put ourselves first. From many religious perspectives, and many non-religious mindsets, the approach simply flies in the face of workable human relationships.

What would the world be like, if all of us were "in it for ourselves"? We would not be able to trust that the guy coming the other way would stop for the red light. We would not know if our neighbor was trustworthy enough to make friends with, or if his plans were to raid our home the moment we left for work (I kind of think my neighbor has been eyeing my birdbath). How could we rely on teachers to not take our children? Could we trust bankers with our money, nurses with our blood and drugs, or even our parents with raising us and not throwing us out because we are such idiots when we are teenagers???

So we are not in it for ourselves. YOU are also not always in it for yourself, when you consider the big picture.

There are times when you give. Even when that giving brings you something.

Kahlil Gibran spoke about giving in his book, "The Prophet". Paraphrasing, he said that there were three kinds of givers. The first kind of person gives because he wants other people to see him giving, and wants people to think about him as a giver, to know that he gave. This is still giving - its a good thing, because giving is good. The second kind of giver does his giving because he gets something back; he feels good about the giving, there is something for him in giving. This is still good, it is giving.
The third kind of giver gives because giving is of his very nature. He doesn't have to think about giving. It is a part of him. He just gives.

If you are to be a giver, then give. Strive to be the third kind of giver.


What the point is, is that giving begins as one thing, and perhaps evolves into something else.


Dr. Harley's methods start you out with "working" at things. Ultimately you just "are" this way.


In the book you are reading that I recommended, you find that same concept.

You find that the root of the issue is within YOU. It is your own decision to deny that the other person has needs, that the other person's needs are EQUAL to your own. That it is your own betrayal of your own desire to do the right thing FOR THE OTHER PERSON that leads you to the wrong thing in the world.

And you find yourself exactly where you are:

blaming your husband for things he never did, and never was
lying about stupid, ordinary things to justify stupid decisions and stupid behavior
having bad relationships with people who could be and should be stellar friends

and cruising along, trying to control everything around you, while you continue to lie

telling yourself that if you keep doing that same stupid stuff you will eventually dig yourself out of this huge hole.


I'm here to tell you that what you will eventually dig


is the GRAND CANYON.


Which is the mountain you will face. You will be standing in the bottom of that hole, looking up.




You could, on the other hand, make a decision to do the right thing for the other person, every time.

The power and control you have over your own world will absolutely ASTOUND YOU.

SB

OK: Two days, nothing but honesty. I even told my boss that I was going to need to change my work schedule so that I could deal with a psychological issue. I had originally planned just to say it was medical, but I laid it out in much more detail. I felt much better being honest, and he responded with support. I should remember this the next time I am tempted to make something up.

I printed out the thread so that I could respond to things in more detail - so some of this is going back a ways, but I thought it was important to address this. This will probably also be quite an essay.

Pepperband - to go back to your post from a while ago. Things to think about:

1. Do I think that RIGHT and WRONG are relative to each situation?
In the past I have. I have often thought of things as being in "shades of grey" especially where emotions and relationships are involved. I am now seeing that things are much simpler than that.

2. Have I ever defined what my moral standards are?
Yes - they are largely based on what you might call Christian morality. Ironically I have always thought that honesty was very important, which is probably at least part of the reason why I went into such deep denial about this. I must admit that I have always thought that self-preservation was very important. I don't know where that comes from, except possibly from childhood.

3. I do think that my habitual lying and deceit are morally wrong. Until recently I hadn't honestly thought about why they are morally wrong. My thinking now is that they are morally wrong because they don't show respect for others. Deceiving others is disrespectful and doesn't treat another person with the respect they deserve.

4. Difference between truth and honesty: I think that I missed this distinction (truth = factual accuracy; honesty = free of deceit) for a long time or, probably more accurately, I exploited the difference. I would often be "truthful" (eg factually accurate) but not honest (I would be deceptive in how I painted the truth - when I told it, such as telling the truth after I'd "fixed" something or leaving out important facts). I think I said earlier that I rarely walked away from a lie feeling good - I would walk away relieved that I hadn't been caught and anxious that I would get caught the next time.

5. People not being pawns on a chessboard - yes, that is exactly how I thought of things. I felt like I would never really get what I needed in the long-term, so it was OK to manipulate things in the short run.

I'm going to make a separate post to address the other points.

SB - I just finished "Leadership and Self-Deception" which was tremendous. Thank you so much for the recommendation. I feel like it actually a) hit the nail on the head and b) gave methods for moving beyond lying and living with honesty that went beyond just "be honest." I think that so many of my issues - with lying and resentment - come from the self-betrayal that the book talks about.

So to analyze the bacon issue in the book's terms - deep down, I knew that I should have made a second trip to get bacon for DH. But I was in a hurry and resented having to make a second trip because I thought his standards for bacon were too fussy. I wanted things to be easy rather than running around. So - I engaged in self-betrayal and persuaded myself that DH was unreasonable about his bacon standards, so I was justified in what I did and then tried to cover it up. I was trying to blame him for a situation when really the problem was that I didn't want to take a second trip. I completely see how I was "in the box" about this.

And I do this with most of the things about which I lie. If I look deeply enough I can find some point at which I knew that I should have done something that I didn't, and then I try to pin the responsibility on someone else rather than focusing on my responsibility. In this case, I could have made the second trip, I could have planned better so I would have had more time, or I could have honestly said "I will get it later, you will have it when you need it."

Going back to something CP said - about this being a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think that's very true: at some level I either want to be alone, feel like I can't get time "to myself" without pushing others away (e.g., I can't just ask for it), or am afraid to connect too much with others. I don't think that's an excuse at all, but it definitely drives some of my behavior.

CP also asked if I feel like I need to be the expert, to control conversation - definitely true. I would be much better off if I were just willing to sit back and listen more of the time. I need to be less afraid to be wrong, and less afraid to be quiet.

More answers to Pepperband (post from 10/9): The good news with my character being formed internally is that *I* can change my character internally - it's within my control. That's the same reason it's good that my character isn't formed by some outside force - I can change my character. If I think back, I should know that this is true because I have obviously changed my own character for the worse. I made choices that brought me to where I am. I can make choices that will bring me to where I should be.

The "hard" part of that is that I can't rely on someone else to do that, and I can't rely on my husband being happy about other things in his life to solve our problems for us. I can't relax just because he is happy about other things. That's been a hard one for me - I tend to slack off when he is happy about other things and forget how much I owe him.



I think that by attributing self-serving behavior to everyone else I can avoid feeling responsibility for my own actions - I can justify my lies by thinking that everyone does it, and that people aren't worth of any special respect since everyone is just looking out for themselves.

I also felt like I was going to fix the solution anyway (which is the same kind of thinking that got me in trouble with the spending) before it mattered, so why should he care? More of me "knowing best."

Aph - no gambling either. To the extent that I can point out one thing that I spent it on, I spent an awful lot on my dogs and dog-related hobbies. I spent some on vacations (with the family), dinners out (again, with DH), and gifts. It was mostly all at expensive places, and DH had no idea that we had run up the debt. It was not as much about acquiring stuff (most of it was spent on things that I don't even have now) as it was on finding things to occupy myself/ourselves so that we wouldn't be "bored." I was trying, I think, to replace having had a job with having hobbies and finding a (shallow) identity that way instead of really focusing on my family and creating something there.

I used things/experiences to give myself an identity or to maintain an identity that I thought I had - I do "x" with the dogs, I go to baseball games, I go to fancy restaurants, I buy my friends and family elaborate gifts. A way to feel important, which ties in with the reasons for lying - thinking I am better than other people.

Need to run to the bathroom - have a few more posts to answer.

To respond to SB's last couple of posts:

Yes, I know that the truth exists. I don't know that I have decided what the truth is as much as that I try to decide how and when other people should know the truth. I felt like with the bacon, the question was "you don't need to know the truth right now, not before I fix it." Yes, this does cause me tremendous stress.

I have no idea what I would do with a situation where manipulation couldn't help me, honestly. I hope that the work I am doing now will make me more able to deal with situations that are beyond my control. At least I can confront them honestly rather than relying on deception.

To respond to the post about self-interest: The snarky side of me would say that the reason we can trust bankers with our money, teachers with our kids, etc., is because they have financial incentives to do so and that if they don't, they'll go to jail. I might also say that many times we can't trust those people to do the right thing. I guess that makes me sound really paranoid. I guess that the flip side of my being untrustworthy is that I don't trust others - probably because I think that they are acting the same way as I am.

But it's a better place to trust and be trusted. I need to become someone who trust and is trusted.

I think that I have faced the mountain - dealing with my marriage and with my relationship with my niece/daughter are the mountain. I'm facing that mountain right now.

For whatever it's worth, when I told my boss about what was going on (and yes, I do realize I didn't admit that I had a problem with honesty), I felt so much better having said that it was psychological rather than making up a cover story about an unspecified medical issue (which IMHO would have been technically accurate but deceptive). I called DH up and cried, telling him that being honest felt so much better than making something up.

I feel like the next big thing I should do is tell my parents about this. I want them to know what kind of a person I really am, and realize what DH has had to put up with.

I think that DH has accomplished amazing things in his life since he made a personal commitment to be 100% honest. I want what he has. He has some wonderful close friends, and a business that is just taking off. More than that, he has a sense of peace that I want. I also want to give him an honest wife that he can trust. He deserves that.

SB, thanks again for the book. It really, really hit home, like I said.

I'm sorry I didn't write sooner. I appreciate all of the words both stern and kind. I can't wait to really become the different person I need to be.

This key, and about perceptions to truth, and their relevance to your life.

Luke 11:34
The light of the body is the eye: therefore when thine eye is single, thy whole body also is full of light; but when thine eye is evil, thy body also is full of darkness.

What is it worth to have honesty with your husband? Isn't he the person you want to seek truth with?

Being your profession is bound to be full of people who like to shift around the truth and deal with gray areas, how much of your work have you been taking home with you?

Much of what I find valuable in the Bible, is the breaking down of the perceptions we have about the truth. Many times it is just another question, to that answer of the question. we can get tripped up in the words, and when we are done we still don't seem to have the perfect answer to lifes questions.

So we are forced to have faith, many times when all we want is to be loved, and accepted just as we are. Unconditional love, only God does that, the human race is conditional, allways has been, allways will be.

So the choice is yours, you can trust in the science of MB, much of it being based in the Omniscience,(Omni=all__Science=knowledge) of God for both your practical and spiritual healing for your marriage.

I think you have allready made that choice by being here, and taking a hard close look at yourself, and your motives for the lies you were willing to let come between you and Hubby, your friends, and even your business aquaitences.

I think you will be surprised, at the depth of your husband, when you share your fears with him in private, that his leadership really is sound. You can be a partaker of that also,and as he begins to trust you and sees your brokeness, you can build the safegaurds that will protect both of you, not just one.

It has to do a lot with your honest communication, and that is what you will have to monitor yourself with, as you go though this and change your habits. Don't be surprised or shocked, and definatly don't be intimidated because this has become a habit for you.

Glad your eyes are being opened

Oh, and BTW, MB principles work with all relationships, if you can find the time to apply them, and have willing participants.

But Charity begins at home, and with the one you share your life with, your soul, your very worth and all of lifes expereinces with.

Its also the place most likely to hide in, so it makes sense it would be the biggest challange also.

But you will overcome those challanges

HTC,

I figured that book would be one that made sense. Glad it is helping. I have read it a couple of times.

You said your husband has committed to the honest life. And, that his business has begun to take off. See the connection?


He wants you to follow him, because he wants you to be a part of that. He has benefitted from his change - he feels this internally, knows his own change of spirit, and wants it for you. He knows you will feel like a different person, and he wants to take you into the future with him as a better person. He wants you to share this kind of happiness!

Your experience with your boss: you felt a relief when you walked out. You said that you told him it was a psychological issue, and that you did not share the whole truth. That is fine, and I want to explain to you something here. We do not have to tell people all the gory details about ourselves. That doesn't mean we are lying. If I don't tell you that I will miss work because I am having a pelvic exam for a suspected STD because my husband cheated on me, but I tell you that I have a doctor's appointment - I did not lie to you. I have a doctor's appointment and I will miss work. The fact is that I am entitled to a measure of PRIVACY about certain aspects of my life.

YOU need to be very careful NOT to confuse being private about your personal life, though, and giving yourself permission to LIE.

What you did with your boss was to be confidential about details that your psychologist may or may not wish you to reveal. You are entitled to maintain your private issues about your psychological problems. You are NOT entitled to LIE to control others, make decisions for others, cover up problems or bad behavior on your part, etc.

Know the difference. And you DO. Right now, it will be hard for you to walk that line.

My advice for you is to discuss these things with your husband before you have such conversations, so that you are sure if you are lying, or maintaining privacy. He will be able to offer help to keep you in check. Sort of like being your "Liars Anonymous" Sponsor.

SB

HTC,

On another note, I want to tell you about something that happened to me with an attorney. My mom hired an attorney to handle a very simple settlement case. He was to finalize the paperwork, then handle opening a trust with the settlement for my mother with the money. Simple, right?

Yeah. Right up until the point when two years later we found out that he had been lying to us. He had settled the suit, forged my mom's name on the settlement check, deposited the money in his personal account, and spent it to remodel his own home.

We found out purely by accident - and in the process discovered his law license had also been suspended because he had done this to another client. He was practicing for about 6 months at that point, without a license. Long story short, I worked very hard with the Bar and got him disbarred; he is in jail now.

An unusual case for an attorney, from what I have heard. Also unusual, I managed to get the bank to pay us back - because they actually allowed this guy to deposit a check for a large sum, made out to two people, into his personal account, watched him stand there and sign it, did not get any ID, and KNEW he was an attorney, and it even said he was her attorney ON THE CHECK. Big no-no under the legal stuff in my state. The bank has to make him put it into escrow/trust....didn't do it. They didn't even question me when I went in and said, "Ummmm, this was not legally negotiated."

This lying can lead anywhere. I know one guy in jail, who lost everything.

Im sorry, but I must retract this statement, because it is misleading.

MB is for marriges, and all relationships do not share the intimacy that the marriage one does.

I guess I was caught up in the policy of radical honesty as an example, and because the most important person you should be honest with is, yourself, and your H is now part of you, and what you do effects him, just like it does you, lieing to him is like lieing to yourself.

Which you do understand BTW. As far as I can see, you understand the falseness.

Radical Honesty begins with ourselves, and should be practiced there first, and is revealed when we practice it with others, what we are really all about. Nowhere is it more apparant, than with the one most closest to us, and part of ourselves than with our spouse.

The MB principles, only apply to the marrige, because you can't be all things to all people.

Bill Cosby said, "I don't know what the meaning of success is, but trying to make everyone happy is a guaranteed failure"

Hope this helps

SB - thanks for clarifying that, it's a question that's been on my mind about honesty. I also appreciate your advice that I speak with my husband to make sure that I'm engaging in confidentiality vs. lying. I feel like there are large parts of my life that I would like to or need to keep confidential, but I also realize that I could very easily use that as an excuse for lying or concealing in a deceptive way. I actually did speak briefly (I think) with my husband about this. I know that I talked to him afterwards.

And yes, SB - I do see the connection between the honesty that my husband practices and the success he has seen grow from that. It was a very useful conversation to have with him to talk to him about how he decided to engage in such a high level of honesty and how he actually went about changing things. It made me not only appreciate the benefits of what this type of honesty can do for people but also it made me appreciate that it wasn't an easy thing for him. He told me some things that (I only realized that day) he was afraid to tell me.

Thanks also for the reminder about where lying can lead.

I hope he does want to take me into the future as a better person - I definitely know that if I don't become a better person, we don't have a future together. I also know that there is only so much time that he has (really no more time, if I'm being honest) where he can continue to put up with this behavior.

FWIW - no lies today, I think that makes four days. Total honesty for four days - don't know if it is a record, and I also don't know if this is just because nothing has come up where I think that I have felt any need to lie.

CP - thanks for the vote of confidence. I feel more and more confident that I really can change and will change.

More later or tomorrow... Please keep the good advice coming.

CP - much of what the Self-Deception book discusses is how we start by lying to ourselves, which we use to justify lying to others and treating them without respect. I definitely see myself in that. In this thread alone, I started out thinking that I didn't lie to my friends but I realized that I do.

My therapist has also told me that what I need to do is work on breaking down the ways that I am dishonest with myself. Right now, I am doing that but perhaps most importantly I need to stop lying to others (or else I will find myself single).

HTC,

It is hard to stop lying to yourself.

It means that you have to face the very scariest realities of life. You will have to openly admit that you are not the world's greatest expert on all things - the funniest part of this is that while YOU do not want to admit this, everyone else already knew it. Yet, you also knew it all along.

Tell me you haven't had this thought before:


I am afraid that if I let other people know the real me, they will find out the truth of me. They will figure out that I am not as smart or intelligent as they think I am, and they will certainly figure out that I am WAY less intelligent than I have been able to present myself as. I know that I have made mistakes. I know all of the little things I have gotten wrong, and the things I have been able to figure out just in time - if they knew the limitations I have, if they knew exactly what I DON'T KNOW - they would fire me, they would call me a charlatan, they would look at me as the fool I think I am. I really am the only one who knows exactly how much there is out there that I just lack........I am scared to death that someday someone will figure it out.

You've thought this way a time or two. Anyone with any intelligence has - because people who have half a brain realize that they do NOT know everything.

And they realize their own limitations. They fear their limitations.

They fear being found to be incompetent. Your lies go in this direction - you take control, you place yourself above everyone else, because you need to feel like you are protected in the power position. Nobody can figure out your limitations if you control it all.


The fact is that everyone is limited.

And everyone already knows your limitations.

What they do not know is your innermost thoughts. They cannot see inside of you, and they cannot connect with the real you. You have prevented that, by offering a moving target, via the lies and the chameleon personality behavior.

The change to honesty will be something you will find a bit unnerving - to yourself and to others. People will not know what to say at first, so do not be surprised if some people look quizzically at you and have little to say. These people may be a bit reticent at first. They are people who tend to be watchers, and will stay back to see if the change is real. Stay steady, and stay real. They will be the people who will be hardest to win over, but when you do they will be your better allies.



Another group will linger with you. They will sense the change in you. They will not say anything outright, but will be interested, drawn in by the change. These are the curious, those whose interests in others are piqued, and who want to understand. They probably have had conversations before with you, but now they will have longer ones with you. Watch for them. You can work with this group best, and as you bring them into your circle as closer relationships, you can then go to work on others as well.

It is hard work - and you have to understand that honesty begins by treating each and every person as having equal needs to yours. Respecting them, treating them as HUMANS, and not as pawns in your game.

It doesn't matter if you get something out of the interaction or not. Every interaction, in the end, is worthwhile, because you win through growing. Through living.




As far as breaking down the ways you are dishonest with yourself? Okay....that's fine. My instinct?

Stop it. Each and every time you are dishonest with yourself, look in the mirror and ask yourself what you just gained.


SB

I am looking forward with great anticipation to when you get to the most insidious and harmful lies of all: Lies Of Omission.

I'd like to add another book recommendation, The Speed of Trust. It's another business book much like Leadership, and goes into depth about the things that destroy trust, and how to build (or rebuild) it.

Oh, Aph,



I skipped them. But now that you mentioned them, here goes.



I was going to explain how lies of omission are actually revealed in our language use, but that is very much a distractor here.


First, what is a lie of omission?

A lie of omission occurs when the liar has information he fails to disclose to another person, when it is ethically or morally correct to reveal this information to the other person. This type of lie leaves the other person with a misconception about a situation; the other person is left with a belief that is incorrect, and the liar has purposely manipulated the information in order to cause the person to have this misconception.


Why do people use lies of omission? The same reasons as they use bald-faced lies, or any other type of lie. It seems to me thought that lies of omission afford the liar a bit more control over the other person, and are used in some different situations than other kinds of lies.

What makes lies of omission SEEM different?


These lies are insidious. They "feel" better to the liar, because they are based on the false belief of the teller that they told "the truth", and the person they lied to has a great deal of difficulty confronting the liar because on a technical level it is difficult to argue the point.

The liar can tell himself that TECHNICALLY the truth has been told. He can have an internal conversation that sounds very good - he can tell himself that it is okay, he did not "lie", he "just did not tell the entire story", or "did not have to let everyone know his whole business", or "the other person would be hurt or could not handle the entire truth". That internal dialogue sounds very nice to the liar, because it places the blame for the lie on the other person - it makes the other person seem responsible for their own lack of ability to handle the truth, or for the fact that they were not deserving of the entire truth.

Making the other person blameworthy feels okay.

Also, the liar knows that what he has said has a technical truth to it, and it is defendable, if he is ever confronted on what has been said.

This is what makes the liar feel he comes from a strong position. He now has two shields of armor: the first "justification" for failure to reveal the information (whatever that might have been), and then this idea that the "technical truth" has been told.


So the victim now is faced with this issue:

Do I confront? I know that I have been sold a bill of goods. This is a lie of omission, and his excuse will be that he technically told me the truth.

Many people will NOT confront a lie of omission, simply because they feel like they have no ammo!

They will, however, carry around a great deal of anger toward this kind of liar. This type of liar will be very likely to receive the same treatment - especially in the workplace. People will not be willing to give full information to this person when working on a team or committee, for example. They will feel wary, because they know this person holds back on them, and they will watch every word the person says for signs of lies or indications of deceptive language use (and believe it or not - you know it when you hear it, especially when you know this type of person). The thing about this kind of person is that you may often not "know" him to be a liar; you may just instinctively find yourself moving back from him because your internal radar begins to ping and you cannot explain what has happened. You distrust, but you cannot put your finger on anything specific, because the "truth" has been told, yet you find yourself saying, "I wonder why he didn't tell me that..." on occasion after occasion.




Lies of omission tend to keep the liar in control of the flow of information, and allow that person to manipulate situations to their liking.

Lies of omission can be used to color the view of another person as well. By omitting bad information on a resume, for example, you can make yourself appear better than you really are. Again, this is the "flow of information" issue.

The language used in lies of omission is interesting. Generally speaking, look for overuse of global terms, or the converse - overly specific language. When there is a mismatch between the question you ask and the response you get in terms of global language vs. specificity of language (say you ask a question in global terms and get a very specific response) you can begin to think "do I have a lie of omission here?".

While a lie of omission might feel better to the liar, it isn't any better. They still know they are lying.


A lie is a lie.


SB

Bingo - that is exactly the type of lie that I've used the most, and exactly the justification. Sets things up for manipulation.

DH pointed out tonight that there is a particular way I answer things when I'm lying - I rephrase the question. Similar to what SB said.

And yes, a lie is a lie. I used to treat lies of omission differently, but they aren't.

Thanks for the second book recommendation.

More tomorrow.

Start intensive therapy program on Thursday. Actually looking forward to it. Got good advice from my regular psychiatrist that I can't manipulate things in the group and (for instance) say things are going well when they're not and cover up my weaknesses (which goes to SB's first post from yesterday which was also - as usual - spot on).

Can you see how your job affects your life and other relationships?

Sounds like you are seperating it though, hats off to you!!

Its tough not to take work home with you, Blah!,especially if it is intense and the hours you must spend in it. You almost have to take off a mask I'll bet.

Ok enough pacification, lol, hoping for great marriage relationship for you, and that to be your strength and real reason for all you do.

HTC,

At first I was going to tell people exactly how our language usage reveals the lies of omission.

Then I decided against that. Why?

Because your situation would be ripe for using that information to the advantage of continuing your lies.


Your husband has cued into at least one indicator of your language behavior. He probably knows more, but can't put his finger on them.

Strangely enough, I could put his finger directly on them

Your job is to watch for that moment of self-betrayal. It is in that very moment when you decide not to do the right thing for the other person that you go wrong. That is when the lying begins - when you decide that the whole truth is not needed, when you need to control something, when you "want" something.


You have a need inside of you to be the one seen as the one in control.

I want you to consider that there are other people who have strengths, too. That there is not a single person on the earth who is the best at everything. In college, you must have figured out that you could not possibly read enough to know it all, and that everything was changing so rapidly that you could not possibly keep up with all of the newest information as it was coming in and news was being made in your field.

We all want to be "independent", HTC. I think that somewhere down the line this idea hit you that being independent meant that you had to be the only person in your life you could count on. That independence meant you were a complete island, that you were to control all things that you encountered.

Nothing is further from the truth! Being independent means that you pay your own way, and that you make the decisions about what you love, like, hate, feel good or bad about, what's right for you, etc. It means that you decide who to share your life with - and with that...

you recognize that you are, and must be....


INTER-DEPENDENT

by the very nature of LIVING LIFE.


Interdependence is how we succeed in life. We make successful marriages via interdependence; we have happy families and good working relationships on the job through interdependence. It is the nature of the world, if we are to be successful humans.

We understand that we DEPEND on others to be better at some things. I know I cannot fix my own car (or I don't want to, or I don't have time to). I depend on someone else for that. That person depends on me to pay him for his services.

You depend on other people, too, even though you do not like it very much. You have figured that out, if only very recently. The situation in your marriage has brought this to the fore, and now you are going into therapy to figure out what has happened. Your therapist says to be careful not to try to control or manipulate the group. Your risk here?


That you will view the others as being "less than you" - less intelligent, less strong, less creative, and less IMPORTANT.

Go into the group and understand that their needs are EQUAL to yours. And also that their experiences give you information that can lead you to your own answers.

Your interdependence begins now. You are being given a chance to have this with your husband, and with this group of people. They are going to open up to you - they will assume TRUST in this situation.


Think about that!

They will walk in, and already trust you. This will be a group who does not deserve to be lied to; and can offer you something you never had before.


What will you give them?


I don't expect an answer. I just want you to think before you give it to them.


SB