Hello to all, been lurking in the forums for several months, but need help, not sure what to do next. Here's an outline of my situation...

Sometime in mid-2009,WW meets OM at work. she works in health care at a prison, he is a guard. Contact at work is sporadic, depending on where his work assignment is and whether or not WW and OM work the same shifts or not. Around this same time, OM gets married to his 3rd wife.

Last week of May, 2010, WW and OM exchange cell #s. Texting between the two starts.

6-14-10, WW and OM make arrangements to meet for the day while I'm at work, PA starts. Visiting (enabling)niece covered for WW who was gone for 10 hours.

6-18-10, OM files for divorce from 3rd wife. WW has enabling niece call me to tell me WW has went to a hotel for a week, to have "time alone to think"...found out later, that WW was only alone the first night, OM was there every other night with her. I had suspicions about the hotel stay, and found out where she was, and was able to snoop and find out about other man seeing her. WW came home a day earlier than planned, on 6-24-10, after I pleaded with her to do so. By this time, I knew about OM, but did not know how to approach her about it, felt parilysed.

6-28-10, I confront WW about OM, gave her 3 weeks to make up her mind about what she wants, either to stay and fix whatever was wrong between us, or leave. The next day, she texts me that she's gonna move out to be with OM, but she never does anything about packing or leaving, even acts like she was not going to leave.

7-5-10, WW says that she has to "let things play out" between her and OM, so is packing to move out and go be with him that day. But the majority of her belongings stay at our house, because there is little room at OM's small house. WW leaves that evening.

7-9-10, WW texts me early in the AM to let me know that she's packing to come home, because she heard at work, that OM asked another worker at the prison on a date. OM rushes home and gets on his knees and begs WW to not go, claims it isn't true. By noon, WW believes him and lets me know that she's staying there.

7-14-10, WW goes to outdoor 4 day concert with OM and his friends, to camp on the concert grounds for 5 days WW told me ahead of time, that I could text her while she was there, so I did, alot. Found out that OM and his friends 19 year old date are flirting with each other in front of WW the first night. WW and OM get into arguement over it, WW texts me to come get her from there, then texts again, never mind, OM will bring her back. Concert is 4 hours away from my home. 5 hours later, WW is home, with all her belongings from OM's house. OM goes back to concert camp grounds, where we find out 2 weeks later from a mutual friend of OM's friend, that the next night, OM has sex with his friends 19 y.o. date (OM is 38). WW was going to meet OM in a public place to talk about what happened, but then after finding out OM slept with the 19y.o., calls off the meeting and says she doesn't want to talk to OM anymore.

8-5-10, turns out WW and OM are texting each other still in recent days, and WW again says she has to go to him again, to "let things play out", packs her bags and leaves again. WW little by little in the next several weeks, takes a few more things of hers from our home and brings them to OM's house.

9-13-10, WW texts that she is packing all her things and will be coming home, she caught OM in some lies that were adding up. The next day, WW says she should have given OM a chance to explain himself first, before she left him. The second day home, WW takes a bunch of her prescription pills in a suicide attempt, while I'm at work, but throws them up in the toilet within a half hour of taking them, supposedly because the OM texted her that he loves her. (Recently, WW disputes that she actually swallowed the pills, rather she says now that she just put them in her mouth, then spit them out. But I remember coming home from work and having to feed her crackers because she was so sick to her stomach, and being worried enough to want to take her to the hospital, but she refused to go.)

9-17-10, WW decides that she has to be by OM again, and has a friend drive 40 miles one way to get her, because her 25y.o. som borrowed her car for the weekend, and she had no other way to get there, and couldn't wait 3 more days for her car to be back in town. Talking to her does no good, and out 15y.o. son even cries and yells at her, but it doesn't matter.

9-25-10, WW texts me at midnight to say that her and OM just cannot get along, she is packing once again, can she come home? I call her and ask if she is willing to work on our marriage or not. She says she cannot answer that yet, so I tell her that she will have to find somewhere else to stay. So by 3am, she finds a hotel. The next afternoon, she is texting me and at some point, because I'm not answering her promptly, I had company, she texts,"you don't even care, do you?" I text back, "can I call you in an hour,I'm busy right now?"to which her reply was,"I may be dead in an hour". So I take DS15 with me and we go to the hotel, 30 miles away, calling her on the way and having DS15 talk to her, to keep her occupied. We ger there and once in her room, find her drinking wine and beer,crying, in her pj's, her prescription pills all dumped out on napkins next to her on the bed, at least 100 pills, ready for her to take. We ask her what on earth is she doing, tell her we love her, and we get her dressed and out of the hotel, and home. But 3 days later, she once again leaves to go back to OM. No talking her out of it.

Sorry in advance to anyone reading this, since I don't know how to save what I've wrote and not lose it, I'm going to post it, then come back later tonight to finish my story and ask my questions to all reading it. If anyone can tell me if there is a way that I could have saved the post before submitting it, that would be great. I see I've already made a long post, but I'm afraid if I dont share all these details, it may be hard for the good folks here to offer advice. I will return later tonight.

Speak to a divorce attorney.
I bet you are entitled to child support.

If she threatens suicide, call the authorities. Let her see there are consequences to her actions. If she is a danger to herself, she will not be allowed to carry on doing this.

What plan are you doing, Plan A? How long for? What aspects of the plan have you done, i.e. exposure? are you meeting her needs? Have you given her a list of requirements she will need to meet to stay in the marriage?

Do you know about exposure?

Have you done exposure?

This site is very pro-marriage. However, in your case, your M has been dead for some time. Your inaction seems to be just enabling her Affair. It is obvious you love her and still care about her, but her repeated going back and forth and going back to him despite his cheating on her shows her complete loyalty and commitment to OM.

I think you should contact lawyer and start D process. This should at least allow you to move on from this horrible situation she put you in. Also, it would be her last chance to make a serious introspection to choose between you and OM. At this point. she knows you are always available as the fallback option. You must end this vicious cycle by being proactive.

Stop being such a nice guy for a change. Stop being a doormat. Force her to choose once and for all.

Here is the rest of the story for everyone...

october and November 2010- there were at least 3 different times during this period, where WW would leave OM and come home, but for one reason or another, would leae again for OM. Also, after returning to OM, WW would say that she wanted to divorce, that OM was what she wanted...but then within a week or less, WW would change her tune, and say she still loved me and/or felt so bad about leaving me and was confused about what she was doing. At the end of Nov 2010, she told me that OM threatened to find me and beat me to death, or at least maim me badly, if WW left him again.

12-9-10, leading up to this date, WW had been making a list of things that concerned her about OM, such as lies about steroid use, inconsistant explanations about his past relationships and what happened to them, an incident of physical abuse against his 6y.o. son, etc. Then on this day, ex wife 3, who lives next door, 50 feet away, comes over and confesses that on occasions when WW was gone overnight, whether at work or at my house, she was coming over at OM's request and having sex with him. So she packs up once again and comes home, claims she won't leave again.

12-12-10, OM calls our house drunk at about 3am, leaves a threatening voicemail, also calls MY cell phone and does the same thing. I save both voicemails to the computer, contact the sherrif's dept to pass on the recordings, but the D.A. will not press charges, says he didn't say enough in the voicemails for him to be charged.

12-14-10, WW gets a call from OM to come to his house to get a few things that she forgot when she moved out. when she gets her things, OM yells at her, says he never wants to see her face in his house again. WW gets home, still crying, I ask it this is all over now, she says yes. she goes to bed early, about 6:30, tired and wore out from crying. 40 minutes later, DS15 comes running to get me, says something's wrong with mom. I run to our bedroom to find WW upside down, her head and shoulders on the floor, hips and legs tangled in the bed sheets and still on the bed, unconscious, not breathing, lips blue. I start CPR while DS15 calls 911. Got her breathing shallow, but still unconscious. EMTs arrive and transport her to hospital, where tests reveal that she took at least 150 pills in total, 3 different prescriptions. Miraculously, she recovers in about 15 hours after taking the pills, then spends 5 days in behavioral health inpatient care. WW then is home through Christmas, until she is out of town on the 27th through the 29th, to visit her grandson. She had a counseling session the day she left, and the counselor actually tells WW, a recent suicide survivor, that she needs to be alone for a time, to figure out what she wants...so when she returns from visiting her grandson, she packs up to go to a hotel...the same one where she first was with OM when this whole mess started, only 5 miles from his house.

12-31-10, I get a text from WW saying that she's with OM, that's where she wants to be, she's not coming back. I tell her that her things will be out in the yard, in the snow, the next day. She says she will call cops if I do that. I didn't do anything with her things. 2 days later, WW comes over and we argue about what she's done, she says she's not coming back, I say good, cuz I don't want you back (I didn't really mean it, was just hurt and mad). WW is talking divorce again. 2 weeks later, WW is at the house to visit DS15 (he has and always will be staying with me), and she breaks down crying to me, wonders why she left again, so sorry to be putting me through this, making me sleep alone, etc. Wants to cuddle on the bed with me, hugging.

January through March 2011, WW is with OM, but on occasion spends the night with me (but no sex), telling OM she's here to see her son, and sleeps in the spare bedroom. WW always talking about how bad she feels for what she has done to me, but she cant get herself to leave OM. I found MB website In Feb 2011, got the books SAA and HNHN by the end of March. During the middle of March, WW sends a text, saying that she wants to come home for good, she misses DS15 terribly. I say only if you agree to work on the marriage, but she says she cannot promise that she will want to. So I don't let her come home then. But we continue to talk and text each other, and on 4-8-11, WW does move back, saying we should be able to work things out. But WW has a big problem dealing with withdrawals from OM, and says by May,that she wants to divorce. But right after that WW finds out OM has a new GF, the divorce talk then stops. WW does compliment me on all the changes I've made in myself, and how attentive I've been towards her ( I was reading up on MB concepts,learning how to meet emotional needs, Plan A, etc.), and she appreciates it. But by the end of May, the divorce talk comes up yet again, and WW says she wants to get an apartment that her and SS25, who was living with us at the time, could be with her in. WW gets the apartment, starts moving in June 1st. Her last night home, I accidentally discover late at night, that she's on the phone with OM, and I got to pick up another reciever and listen in. OM still has his new gf, but says he will find a way to dump her so he can get back with WW. OM and WW tell each other that they love each other still, but OM also says he loves his new gf too. For 2 days OM tells WW he wants her back, but then all of a sudden, says he's not leaving his new gf. WW then says to me that she wishes that she never moved out, that I've always been there for her, I'm her rock, etc. We discuss her coming back, but since she had the apartment rented for the month, she would stay there. For the rest of the month, WW changes her tune back and forth, between wanting to come home, and just wanting to be free to "date" others. No decison is made by WW to move, so she keeps the apartment into July.

7-1-11, WW flies out of town to spend the weekend with another man that she had previously met online in a chatroom, years before, he pays for the whole trip for her. I found out from her about the trip, just days before she is to fly out. I decide to switch to plan B at this time, but don't have a letter ready before she leaves on her trip. When she gets back on the evening of 7-4-11, turns out that OM was contacting her during her weekend out of town, and as soon as she's back, she goes to his house, to talk. OM had broke up with his gf, and wants WW back again. But when OM finds out that WW slept with OM2, he gets mad, says he slept with ex3 and another old gf while WW was out of town, and that it will never work between them. WW leaves his house upset, goes back to her apartment.

7-5-11, 3am, the ambulance shows up at my house, EMTs come in yelling "(my township's name) ambulance, did you call for us?" Of course DS15 and I are sleeping and they woke us, I said who are you looking for? they said (WW name) called, but apparently gave out address, instead of her apartment. So I get them to go to the apartment, and I go there right after them. Turns out WW tried to commit suicide again, this time took 50 anti anxiety pills, and then called on herself, said to 911 that "she's an RN and knows what she's doing." She was losing consciousness by the time the EMTs got her loaded up and on her way to the hospital. After about a day she came to, and told me that she needs to quit working at her job, and move home. This time, her liver needed treatment to help her recover from the overdose, took 5 days in the hospital before she was medically cleared, then off to behavioral health inpatient care for another 4 days. But based on whatever she was telling the counselors there, and what they were telling her to do, she decides she's gonna stay at the apartment for the rest of july, then decide what to do. But 2 days after being out, OM contacts her again, wants her to meet with him again.

7-16-11, WW spends her first night back with OM again, and in days to come, moves back in. by the end of the month, WW says she wants divorce now, will not just separate, doesn't want to stay married if shes living with another man. But 2 weeks later, after I told her I will not discuss divorce, she can initiate it if she really wants it, but I wouldn't, she says she will agree to a separation, cuz she still cares about me, and doesn't want me to lose health ins, because her job provides it. She has never had any intention of getting married to OM, even if we were divorced and done.

8-15-11, WW is fired from her job, the result of an investigation into the death of a prisoner while she was on duty.

8-27-11, WW and I have a long talk alone about her situation with OM, turns out her feelings have not been what they were with OM before when she lived with him, and she misses things about me. Also, OM is having ED issues, most likely caused by his past admitted steroid use, and has to take cialis regularely, or cannot perform without it. WW is bothered by this, and we end up being intimate again. WW has spent several nights here at home with me since then and up to date, and has been hinting at leaving OM to come home, but wants to be "absolutely sure" that she won't want to leave again if she does come home. I have told her that it would be the right thing to do for her, for us, and our son, even her 3 older boys, 2 of which are VERY upset with her for leaving me, yet they seem too afraid to say anything to WW about it.

My apologies for such a long post, but I felt that much of this detail needed to be told, to give the whole picture about how turbulent this whole mess has been, especially the suicide attempts, which seem to be the result of breakups with OM.

I love my wife to death, and do not want to give up on her. Obviously the affair has to end, but here's where I feel lost. In response to TheRoad, yes, I am aware of exposure, but am afraid of what OM may do to WW, because he has a track record of violence to women, including severely beating up his 2nd ex wife, the one he has his kids by. I have also thought of calling or texting OM, telling him that WW and I have a much bettter relationship than he is aware of, including SF. As I understand, he has no idea that WW and I get along at all, let alone as well as we do. But there again, Im afraid he will go ballistic on WW and hurt her. Also, WW tells me that if i contact OM in any way, that she will never speak to me again, or come back at all.

So I feel like I'm doomed to wait for the affair to die out, whether due to OM impotency issues, or another woman enters OM's world, or... WW family is aware of the affair, but no one wants to step up and speak out to her, even though they all talk to me and like me (WW parents are both gone). Same thing with any other friends/aquaintences, they all agree she should come back to the marriage, especiallly the ones that know about OM, because they know he's always been a player.

I did contact a lawyer back in august, but after she lost her job, he said to hold off until she was employed again. Plus now, with her recent comments to me about feeling like shes living two lives, one when she comes home, another when she goes to OM's house, maybe she's giving me hope again? She even said to me that if she was dying of a terminal disease, that she would want to be come home to be by me. I have told her that if she doesn't come home soon, that I will not be friends with her and will never see or speak to her again, or forgive her.

I failed to mention in my earlier posts, that it is critical that I have WW's cooperation in the near future, as we have alot of shared debt, in particular a mortgage that needs to be refinanced by August 2013, or the payments go up to a point that no one can afford. Although WW has always mantained that she agrees with me keeping the house for our son to eventually have, I do worry about having her cooperation because it will take both of us to refinance this debt.

First off, get into counseling. You are a total cuckold. Then before you can even entertain staying married after the events up to now, she needs to stop having sex with other men. Do you understand this? Also, you obviously need to have a standing appointment at the clinic for the amount of STD tests you should be taking. Have either of you been tested at all? She's screwing everyone, the OM is screwing everyone. And their all screwing you.

----her repeated going back and forth and going back to him despite his cheating on her shows her complete loyalty and commitment to OM. ----

This is not true. An affair is like an addiction. She may truly feel that she's never going back, but she can't make it through withdrawal. If she had known how OM was going to behave before they got together, she would never have given him her number. But now, she is hooked. Do you know the story of the boiling frog? If you throw a frog into boiling water, it jumps out. If you put a frog into cold water and heat it up slowly, it will stay put, until it boils. This is the same.

--- Also, WW tells me that if i contact OM in any way, that she will never speak to me again, or come back at all. ---

How many times has she told you that she never wanted to speak to OM again??? She will never pull that through. I wouldn't take this too seriously.

You have done plan A for a long time. Now it is time to protect your son from her craziness and to do plan B. Post your letter here and we will help you with it. Worry later about the mortgage. She either helps you with it for the sake of your son, or she won't. You can't do anything about it either way. You can do plan B without divorcing her. And stop the angry outbursts. Be calm and civil. Somebody must be the sane one here. Be an example of how to handle the storms of life for your son. Teach him about MB, teach him to remain on top of things. Start plan B.
If there is anyone who you could expose to, who has influence on your wife, this might be another last thing to do.

God Bless,
Happyheart

The reason that this has lasted so long, is that you have always been there for her. Oh and another thing. If she wanted to be dead, she would be dead. Its the plan that has worked up to now. Screw the OM, move in, fight with OM, move out, move back in with you, if you put up any fight she attempts suicide (and lets everyone know she is committing suicide). Then you take her back again, then she screws the OM. And then it all starts again.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

You have to want it to end. Up to now (and maybe even now) you don't.

You want it over? Then go complete 180. Do not talk to her. Do not take her calls. separate all finances. Expose to everyone. And don't let her come back. Listen very closely to the next part. IF SHE EVER THREATENS SUICIDE AGAIN. CALL THE POLICE. TELL THEM THAT SHE IS GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE. THEY WILL SHOW UP WHERE EVER SHE IS, THEY WILL CUFF HER AND TAKE HER IN FOR 48 HOUR OBSERVATION. She will never threaten it again.

[b][/b]She continues the affair because you are an enabler. I do believe she loves you but she is addicted to the scumbag.[u][/u] The only way out of this is for you to man up.

Woodsman, you have lived this craziness much longer than you should have done. I think it's past time for you to go to Plan B. Read about it here.

I would suggest that you pack all of her stuff up and have it waiting for her the next time she blows through the house to get her 'woodsman fix'. Let her know that you are not running a flophouse where she can go whenever she and her boyfriend have a spat. Let her know that her actions are toxic and she will not be infecting your son with her craziness.

I would also write a Plan B letter and include it with her things. We can help you with the letter when you're ready.

Do you have a friend who would be willing to act as an intermediary (IM)? Plan B involves NO contact with her - everything goes through an IM. Because there is a child involved, you will need an IM to help arrange for times when she sees your son.

DO YOUR CHILDREN AND THE ENTIRE FAMILY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THE MADNESS OF HER AFFAIR ?

You have an obligation to DS15 to provide a safe environment where he can grow and thrive away from his mother's crazy lifestyle.

A home where a suicidal/adulterous WW is NOT ALLOWED to come and go as she pleases.

A home where DS15 feels he can return to and will not be faced by madness, chaos, drama.

If YOU FAIL to provide such a home, then, bad on you.

File for a divorce.
Get complete custody of DS15.
You can work on your marriage later.
IF she cleans up her act.

Right now, the crazy unstable person (WW) is running the show.

It is YOUR OBLIGATION to run the show and to make certain dangerous behaviors do not cross your threshold.

Understand?
YOUR OBLIGATION.

If you say "Yes, but"..... We will all know you are not serious about becoming the agent for positive change in your DS15's life.

PS

She is an RN abusing prescription drugs.
Call the state board of nursing where she is licensed, and report her intentional drug OD and her psych hospitalization.
She might kill a patient someday.

Pep, she may have already done so - looks like she was fired from her job due to an investigation into the death of an inmate while she was on duty.


I don't know what state you are in, but as far as exposure targets, if the OM is a correctional officer and has domestic violence charges against him, the state board of law enforcement standards would probably be very interested to know that. As well your WW, if that board has not been contacted regarding her dismissal (this is a separate licensure/certification boards than nursing), they may be interested in that as well, if she holds any kind of certification with them qualifying her to work in a prison. Both of them have risked - are risking - not only their immediate employment, but their future employment in that line of work as well.

ETA, Pep, just saw your edit!

Counseling...within 6 weeks of this whole mess starting, I did seek out marriage counseling, as WW was receptive to both of us going, but when I actually got to my first appointment, even though I specifically asked for MC, the counselor told me that he didn't have that in his notes for the appointment, and because I showed up by myself, he could not counsel both of us. I knew that I needed help dealing with this as an individual, so I did continue to go up until the end of August 2011, when our insurance ended due to WW being fired. I did gain from counseling a better sense of empowerment, but have been finding it's a tough balancing act, between LBing and being a doormat. At the present time, and for the last several months, I have avoided the LBing and WW has complimented me on being nice to her, in spite of what she's done. And for the last 2 months, she has shown remorse over the whole situation, but just cannot seem to pull herself away from OM, says she knows it's the right thing to do, feels in her heart that that is what she wants, but doesn't want to come back, if she is just going to slip up and want to leave again. She even admitted in a diary I found last winter, that she is addicted to OM.

WW and I have talked about all of this and she has no further interest in other men, it's either OM or me. We both have been tested for STDs and are ok.

as far as being too nice or a doormat, part of the problem for me is that my family is putting pressure on me to be extra nice to WW, because the home we shared is a partial inheritance from my grandmother, which my mother is a partial owner of still, so everyone is worried if I make WW mad, and she won't cooperate with the house situation, we could lose it. See why I need some help here?

She needs your help. She is an addict.

A clarification on why she was fired...it had nothing to do with her care or lack thereof, for the prisoner who died. I have seen all of the paperwork from the investigation. The prisoner was already dead in his housing unit and guards were trying to revive him, when WW was paged to the scene. Her firing had more to do with her paperwork related to the incident, than the care provided to the patient. Her abuse of prescription drugs in her suicide attempts is absolutely isolated to those attempts, just want to make that clear.