Weather or not I made the right choices in reaching my goal is now in the past. Obviously not everything went to plan or else I would not be here trying to recover.

BUT, my goal and priority has always been with my daughter in mind. My goal has always been to provide a happy, safe environment.

I own that I have not always made the right choices but the intent in my heart has always been pure.

Your dd needs to see a big gesture.

If I were you I would move out, get a place where she can visit you alone and spend your visitation focusing on your child for a while. 6 months at least.

call it a lame excuse if so inclined but there simply are not the finances available to do that.

I agree with SW.

So if you and the gf were to break up you are stuck living together then? For how long?

Until she can find a job + 2-3 months to allow enough time for enough cash on hand...

I am very confused. In answer to this:


You said this:


Gf finding a job + 2 or 3 months sounds like it is very doable to start planning to live apart.

I don't mean to hammer you. It's just that you said your DD was a priority. Living apart from the gf would give you a chance to fix that relationship and possibly save yourself and both sets of children in this situation from going through another D. It's win-win.

So I am not sure why you said it was impossible to think about living separately when it sounds very possible.

Dr Harley says the situation you are in now is going to be an uphill battle to fix. I have even recently heard him say on his radio show that he likes to advise single mothers to staying single until their kids are grown up so that they can focus on their kids and because 2nd marriages/blended families are at such a high risk of D.

My comment was made with an immediate timeframe involved. Months is a long time when things aren't right...

So make it right. Now. Your obligation is not to your gf and her children. Your obligation is to your dd.

A one bedroom apt for you and your dd would be sufficient for now. You can give her the bedroom when she visits and you take the sofa.

Your relationship with your gf is statistically doomed anyway unless you do something major immediately. At least try to save your relationship with your dd.

Do you have any idea how much it would mean to your dd that you make this right?

'Dd, it was a mistake to move in with gf even though I love her. My priority should have been YOU and it will be now.'

AGree 100% with Susie and SW. Why pursue a dead end at the expense of your daughter? Hasn't she been through enough? Your relationship with this GF was doomed from the start. First off, a blended family has an 85% "divorce" rate [not that you are even married] but the fact that you are living together just compounds the demise of this relationship. There is no committment here and you are already on the rocks. Why not get out while the getting is good before you cause any more harm to your kids? This relationship is not going to last, but your DD will remember forever that you ran her off.

Can she move in with her parents or another family member?

My God, I hope so...I hope her mother will let her move back in...

I wasn't going to write this in public because yesterday I still had hope that the gf would reach out and try to find some incite and perspective. Glad I didn't tell her about MB now.

The reality of it hit me on my way to work this morning. She has been trying to crush my relationship with my daughter and I have let her do it. WOW, what an [censored] I have been.

Simply amazing...my daughter was with us for several days last week. She and I had a wonderful day together the first day she was with us. The gf was invited to participate but declined. But followed up with "Don't sit on the couch all day" sometime in the afternoon.

That was after DD and I had gotten up early and spent 3 hours making homemade cinnamon rolls. We then watched a movie and I had a sugar nap after which DD and I spent another couple of hours creating a xmas stocking. She laid it out and I sewed all the bits onto it.

Later that night we had an encounter and I noticed the gf was a bit low so I ask if she had an issue with me. She at first tried to say no but quickly confirmed that she did have an issue.

She told me she didn't want to do what *I* had planned. She told me she felt left out. Followed up with telling me that she would be gone [mentally, emotionally is how I took it] for the rest of xmas break.

Yes, that took away from some of the joy of the day. These were the first full days DD was with us as the only child in the house for months.

There is much, much more to the story between then and now but I'd rather not relive it by typing it all out. Other than to say that I had a great time with my kid until the gf's kids showed up Saturday night. There was a small spat between my daughter and the gf's daughter. Evidently the de-escalation of the event was managed by the gf and her mother. Things went south fast when my daughter brought it to my attention. She ended up being ganged up on by the gf and her mother. The way they handled it might be proper within a well blended family or a family of origin...but I saw a larger wedge being built between my daughter and the gf.

****
So my daughter is gone with her mother for their scheduled winter break time and the house is full with the gf's 2 kids...

Suffice it to say that I am not even allowed the respect of sleep. I don't get this week off from work. So I get to try to do my work as zombie man because she allows her kids to stay up with the TV until they pass out from over TV stimulation. I had to turn the darn thing off at 2:AM this morning...3 days running now.

...

Then there was the conversation yesterday after I got home from work. I sucked up my fear of not being heard and presented where I thought we were and what could be done to make things better.

For the first time she actually attempted to control her rage and seemed to do a fair job of listening to me. But I didn't see or feel that she really got *it*. At least she allowed me to more or less speak without interruption.

But during that conversation I definitely saw how turned off she was from the relationship. One of the highlights was her statement that she didn't need to get a book to help us do better...that one coupled with her outbursts in counseling sessions...well, as I said I am slow. So I wonder to myself why do I still require pain to be able to do the math?????

Why *DO* I need pain to be able to do the math?

I spent the last of my funds on pizza for her kids last night only to find out that her mom had given her $50 of "walking around money" that she wasn't letting go of. I scrambled this morning to find quarters so I could snack out of the vending machine today...

She told me that she is harder on her kids that she would normally be and said "I do it for you" WTF? Shouldn't kids be taught discipline and respect and boundaries because it is the right thing to do?

She told me that she is harder on her kids because mine isn't around much. Again, WTF? And of course at the same time she is hard on me and hard on my child - by virtue of the words she uses about my child...all because my child isn't with us very much.

She got in bed with me last night because I can't sleep without her. Sleep time has already become the only time that we spend together not worrying about chores (wrong, she has let all of the things that *need* to be done grow into insomnia so has been on the couch more and more "to allow me to sleep" LOL)...the only even remotely intimate time. "I'm here so you can go to sleep" she says. I want someone that is with me because they want to be with me not because they feel some duty bound guilt. Makes me want to cry because it wasn't that long ago that she would say ever day "I can't wait to get into bed with you".

When I make a commitment I do my best to keep it. I do my best to find new ways to replace the old. I obviously don't always make the grade, but my heart is always pure with intent. But to her I am not worth a couple of hours of reading a book to find new perspectives on how to enhance our lives. After a fight I spend my time reading and searching for answers to rebuild my hope and love...she reads about "cool" stuff and escapes.

I am worth less than the cost of a 12 pack of beer to her...and not worth the price of a book.

The worst part is that I deeply believe that GF is a wonderful person. We spoke of what we wanted to build together for our kids and for ourselves and honestly had a good start for a short while. I deeply believe that she loves me, and I love her more deeply than I thought possible. I guess the dependency on old survival skills that don't work is loved more?

No, no, the worst part is that I know in my heart that the two of us in fact have the potential to achieve what is good and right...at the same time I know it won't happen. Bad behavior born of fear rules this relationship.

So I'll be left with the energetic impression of what could have been and should have been coupled with the reality that she lets circumstance dictate how she feels and operates.

I've let things get way out of control all because I know in my heart that a wonderful blended family is possible if only I wait just a little longer to allow the gf to find her footing.

I can't wait any longer. My daughter will be gone if I do.

Score for my love life:
Gaslighters: 3 (Thank you for pointing that out Mr. Pure)
me: 0

WOW, what a mess I allowed to happen.

...just 2 sad little people with the unrealized potential to move mountains. Another failed life lesson that our children will end up paying for.

Hers was the only touch that I have felt that could instantly ground me...instantly make everything better...instantly make me forget my troubles and stress and responsibility.

Now I no longer have my best friend to comfort me...so I shall sit here in a near empty office and cry for our tremendous loss.

Oh dear .....


Your DD is very perceptive. She's spot on.

Stop thinking of this as losing. Think of gaining your daughter.

You need out of there. Your dd needs a refuge.

I lose the potential of showing my daughter a wonderful relationship. She looses out on this as much or more than do I.

It is a huge lose for all involved...

Real life eventually comes down to deciding from a hierarchy of needs rather than wants/desires.

Be aware, when you write "needs" you may actually be blinded by your own desires. Especially the needs of children become lower priority when an adult is in the heady blush of that "in love" euphoria. That's what waywards do. They assume the children will feel as happy as they do when they have a new lover.

Children "need" his/her parent's undivided attention. Children do not need competition from another woman's children.

What you desired (a new love nest) turned out not to be what your child needs.

Well said and it has been seen by me from the beginning. I had faith that everything could be right for everyone quickly. I saw a huge task when I started down this path and simply had faith that we could pull it off. It hurts to be wrong about something so important.

Yes, it hurts to know you were wrong about it, but stop wallowing in despair and DO something. Now. This situation needs immediate attention.

Can you move out? Can you ask her to move out? You should have a new place by yourself before you get your dd back next time.

Prolonging it at this point will be the biggest sin. Because now you SEE it clearly.

So what is your plan of ACTION?