What you are supposed to do is understand that your WH is still very much foggy, and stop thinking about how his A was YOUR fault. It was NOT. He had an A not because of any ENs you weren't meeting but because he has weak boundaries around other women. THAT is it.

It is quite common for a BS(one whom hasn't found MB certainly) to become a WS in their next marriage. Even the BSs who find this site need to be ever vigilant not to fall into the Wayward mindset.

While it is okay to try to make your marriage better by making you a better wife, what has your WH's actions been like? Has he shown any remorse?

Have you exposed this as far and wide as possible? Have you thought about the conditions you need for you to feel protected?

When your WH speaks of doing things on his own, that is IB, and it will NOT do well for your marriage. Have you read EVERYTHING on this site?

20-25 hours of UA time is a MUST. If your WH works too much, then he needs a job where he doesn't work so often, and where he isn't so exhausted then he gets home. It can and MUST be done. Without this, and without NC with OW, your marriage will NOT survive.

Strug, were either of you two married when you met? Why did your first marriage end?

Your WH isn't in NC with his OW, yet. You stated in one of your first posts that your WH said that he stays away from OW's store if he sees that she is there. Just seeing and knowing that she is there means that this A is still ongoing. Unless this changes, you won't recover.

You need to expose this A to make your WH accountable, and OW as well. You will need to move. You will need to make more time available for UA.

Then I guess you can't do it... If you don't have time to sustain a marriage, your marriage will always be crippled. But that is your right.

What this tells me is that his marriage is not his greatest source of enjoyment and if he feels trapped, maybe it is a source of unhappiness. And that is a problem, struggling. Did you read what I said earlier about repeat affairs when a marriage does not recover after an affair? A marriage has to be GREAT after an affair in order to recover. And that can't be done when you neglect your marriage. The tiny amount of free time you have is not enough to sustain a marriage and is being squandered on time with friends.

It will take a serious committment on both your sides to turn this around. But it won't happen by magic. You have to get serious about it.

I would imagine that you both are exhausted after 2 years with no recovery plan.



Of course he does not know. If he did, he would not have gotten into this mess to begin with.

Struggling1. Mel has pointed you to the tools to turn this around.

You have to take the lead here. Don't give up.

struggling, you are going to have to do some work here if you want to change your marriage. It is not going to happen by magic. Your marriage is utterly neglected. It is falling down house that is collapsing around you. You say you want a nice house but then insist you don't have any time to fix it.

You are getting out of your marriage EXACTLY what you put into it: a whole lot of nothing. It has become the source of your greatest unhappiness and misery due to neglect.

You say it is too hard to do anything. Well, ask yourself how hard it is to be in a bad marriage? How hard is that? And then ask yourself how hard it was when you were dating and passionately in love? Which one was harder?

Maybe you could order a DVD from Marriage Builders or a movie like Fireproof and watch it with your husband?

Scotland I do not blame myself for the A. I realize that is hasa problem with his boundaries with OW. But a lot of the stuff I've read on here talks about the needs of both parties not being met.

What is IB?
H has been very remorseful. He tells me that a day doesn't go by that he doesn't think about what he did to me.

How can you say the affair is still going on if H sees OW car @ a store and choses not to stop there?

Because one day, he won't resist the urge to go in. Also, he gets a small "hit" every time he sees the car. And that is if he is believed and he really doesn't go in. Are you going solely on his WORD? Because he can't be trusted.

IB=Independent Behaviour. Have you read about LBs?

Were either of you married when you met? This question was not answered and I am wondering why?

Melody H does not say he feels trapped anymore. He says he feels much better about our marriage now, and that he wishes I did.

I do not expect things to magically change overnight. getting baby sitters, new jobs, and moving can't happen over night either. It is not that I do not want to put in the work. I do. I am trying to find a way that will not create other problems that willput more stain on my marriage.

By killing the affair and ensuring that you get the correct UA time will actually DECREASE the other stresses you perceive in your marriage now.

Scotland we were both going thru a divorce when we started seeing each other. I was not avoiding answering your question. H and his ex had been separated and living like single for 4 yrs when we met. I was separated for over a year, my ex kept wanting me to pay for all his toys so it was drug out longer than I wanted. Both were finale before we really got serious.

I understand. But you CAN start getting in 15+ hours of UA time now. All it takes is a plan to do that along with some willingness. That would be a great first step. I will just tell you honestly that this program does not work without that step. When Harley was in active practice he would refuse any couple who would not commit to 15+ hours per week because he knew they were wasting their time and his.

Did you check into the books I mentioned?

So, you are saying he can never be trusted again, not even to go to the freaking store. If so, then what is the point. I do not want to live in fear for the rest of my life that he is going to screw any woman he has 5 seconds of contact with.

I use keyloggers, I look thru is truck from time to time. I check the phone records. Since the affair ended he has not had any contact with OW that I have been able to detect. Sure there are other avenues, but eventually he would have to slip in that amt of time.

I am getting Surviving an Affair from Amazon. My sister took her kids back with her today. So that was a plus. We only have our two now. That will definately eliminate some of the stess and extra work.

Look.

Total trust is not an option. Trust, but verify.

You cannot trust someone like this. In time he might come to enjoy these Extraordinary Precautions (EPs) because it will give him a chance to show that he is trustworthy.

But that is only if you start the recovery plan outlined by Harley.

It will be hard work. Lots and lots of hard work.

Just bullied and manipulated H into doing his EN questionnaire. He was suppose to do it and read some of the info off the site last night while I was @ work. I am so tired of having to push. Good thing we don't live next to any high cliffs.

Have you read about Love Busters? I think that may help you.

Yes I have, but I'm tired of things barely moving forward. I know it was not the right thing to do but the little devil won this time.

Whenever you LB, you remove LB$. No amount of EN meeting is going to make up for that. And if this is his intro to MB, he will come to abhor it.