This is one of those things where no one can rightly say what reality is without benefit of more information and/or seeing it in action.

And yes, we moved far to fast. Reason was she was getting depressed to have work and thought she could get work quickly after moving in with me. A string of events saw her become even more depressed.

She kicked her own behind daily for weeks and weeks doing kids running (hers and mine), trying to refinish the house...all sorts of things. She didn't give herself a break because that was how she saw she could contribute. It was actually terrible to watch, but she needed to justify herself I believe.

Isn't that what relationships are about? Pooling of resources for the better good?

So we had the break up debriefing the last couple of days.

I finally realized that she is so emotionally unavailable to herself that she won't listen to honest constructive critical messages.

That hurts so bad because she is an absolutely wonderful person. We were madly in love. I have zero doubt about that.

She just couldn't see that solid communication was required. This wasn't because she didn't love me. It IS because she is so hurt with her own long standing baggage that she can't let it go.

I know in my heart that our goals of having a happy, comfy home for both of our children could have happened with some self-realization and the true desire to learn to communicate about the emotionally touchy subjects. I wanted that so that I could better myself and be a better partner and parent and person.

Whatever my part in this is between she and I...well I might never know, because I don't understand what they might be. I even asked her but all she did is tell me things that all could have been resolved with good solid communication.

My belief is that she is so emotionally hurt that she can't take outside views about her actions. She can't take those messages without feeling small. She sees where she fails and then beats herself up, but won't find the tools to change her thinking and try new approaches to conflict - I've seen this not just with me but with her children too.

And I think she has continued to mourn her previous failed marriage. She has shared with me the forgiveness she has been working on for her ex....but she wouldn't forgive herself or her children or me.

Okay fine. I've been hoodwinked. You all were correct.

This paragraph finally has moved me enough to believe what folks have said to me.

"What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character."

and yes - I was being taken for everything I have - AGAIN.

What did not mention previously was that I have been paying for her mother's new AC/Heating unit that I got suckered into. As well as paying her legal fees for the battle with her EX...and a few collections accounts for her as well.

My paycheck will be reduced by $250 this month because I put her and her child on my insurance.

Time to call my bank and credit cards...and get the locks re-keyed.

WOW - I got caught again. But this time I really felt loved which blinded me to the manipulator's tactics.

Please someone answer me this...

Why are people like me attracted to emotional manipulators?
Is it low enough self-esteem that we are willing to "overlook" without realizing it?

Really sorry to hear this GG

For me, your story solidifies what I was already worried about...that after D and being treated so poorly in a M, that you will be very vulnerable to falling in love very QUICKLY and EASILY with someone who you find attractive, treats you well and does a good job of meeting your ENs.

Once you fall in love, well, I can see how you would start to justify making some bad decisions...

I think that's all that happened here, not that you are a weak person who allowed yourself to be manipulated.

She did a wonderful job of meeting most of my EN's...it was #1 (Radical Honesty and communication) and #2 (Domestic/Family support) on my list that were not being met.

My gut was telling me something and I was on the road to being hospitalized for gut problems like happened in my previous marriage.

Listen to your GUT!!!!

You have a bad picker.

And what Susie said above.

Get on removing her from any and all accounts immediately.

Then think about making a commitment to not date anyone for a period of time, like a year. I had the most fun the few years I was commited to being single, but I did accept dates with men who I wasn't the least bit attracted to. Just one date per dude, and only if it was really cool stuff to do, no dinners or movies blah. Sailing, races, stuff like that.

Most accounts have been addressed...the last things left are car insurance and cell phone.

This all really hurts bad. I now she wants to be healthy. I have seen her "figure it out" a few times.

This is worse that the A, M and D that I went through before.

Sigh

And I realize that I am an emotional manipulator one some level or other too.

Not everything was her fault....

Greergan,

Check out www.baggagereclaim.com....it may provide you valuable insights.

Thanks for the link. I'll check it out.

So FF called it. She was the one that suggested having separate households again...

My partner finally came "home" last night. Which is where she wanted to be anyway since Friday.

Turns out all happens as it should. We got back to where we used to be. Intimate conversation and Radical Honestly. It was sooooo very nice.

We at the same moment looked at each other and said that we can't live together anymore. We promised that if things should work out how we both want them to that we won't do the shack up thing again. Being married will be the only way we live together if things should go that direction.

So she is back to where she was before she moved in with me except she turned over custody of her daughter to her ex so the child has some stability.

Back to the dating thing for us. We ALWAYS enjoyed that part. Turns out that we rushed things and made many mistakes.

I got my copy of The One and read ALL about the mistakes we had made. Thanks for pointing my to that book.

At least we now know what didn't work for us and have been able to detach finally and look at ourselves objectively.

So the odd thing God did for us was to bring her ex together with someone who shares my personality traits. That women is awesome - still dealing with her own issues but has worked on them enough to be able to be of a support to me and my partner.

It turns out that my ex was previously married to herself. And they are working on healing their issues to be able to be better parents for their kids. My GF told me that the two of them were able to cry together over the weekend and she told me that she felt like they two of them are parents together like they were unable to achieve during their M.

So my GF and her ex's wife spent several hours together over the weekend. My partner told me that she now understands me and my quirky things that made no sense to her. It was because of being able to talk with someone that is so much like me.

We were able to have several hours together last night and I saw in her eyes that she had regained respect for me all because she had an unbiased outsider that is so much like me explain things to her.

God DOES work in mysterious ways...

The love of my life and I are back to dating without the pressure of being engaged.

She's been introspective as have I and we have both identified personal core issues that we will go back and work on...

It has been a rough few months, but it was exactly what we needed to happen to humble us.

Now time will tell if she and I can take care of ourselves better and build ourselves back up better than before we met...

Sometimes a situation needs to come along to shatter our egos so that we can be intimate with ourselves again. It feels akin to being reborn. We show up crying and confused and scared when we are born. That is exactly how I feel today.

So know I will have plenty of time to start repairing my relationship with my daughter. And I WILL teach her the lessons I have learned and I WILL take her needs and feelings into account as things unfold in the future.

It has been really hard to hear some of the things posted in this thread. Some of the responses seem like automatic robot type responses. I was mostly insane and was swayed by some of the remarks.

I offer up that some of what was given to me in this thread was rather cold hearted and compassionless - even if well intended. Some things drove me further into panic and protection mode when I was emotionally scathed and vulnerable. I ended up living in fear which drove me to do things and act in ways that are not how I strive to live as a man in this world.

Either way, I very much appreciate everyone that lent their support to a stranger (and perhaps an old friend or two from years ago when I was dealing with my ex's affair).

Thank you.

Thank you all so much.