Boy, this is scary! I have been married for over 20 years and we have 3 children. I helped to raise 2 of my husbands children from prior relationships (before he met me). Now, I am at my wits end. I don't want to sound like I am perfect or that I have not made mistakes....but for the past 6 years, I just feel like a piece of dung. One day I arrived at work and I got a phone call from my husband...he proceeded to tell me about all of his affairs and trysts with women. I was floored and speechless. I did not believe him because I thought we had a pretty good marriage. Yes, we had problems....but wow! I was floored. He picked up women at gas stations, at the clubs, visited strip clubs....etc. He told me, ok, "I came clean, now it is your turn. I know that you have been sleeping around." I have not! Well things went down hill from there. He started to threaten me and get violent with me and I started to tell lies try to end the conversations. Wrong answer!!!! He would talk to me for hours (sometimes 24 hours). I could not feed the children, go to work and he would not go to work. "We are going to talk until you tell me the truth." We were shut off from everyone. More has happened, but for lack of a better word, I have shut down contact with family and friends. When we go in public, we play the happy couple game. Went to counseling and he sat in the session and berated and belittled me to the counselor. The counselor asked if he was too controlling and he said "no." Later called her a quack. Started to read His Needs/Her Needs and all he can focus on is that I am supposed to tell him about every man that I hve been with and explain what I was thinking and how I felt while with them. He says that he has changed his mind and he is going over everything that has happened during our marriage. According to him, I have done nothing but cause him heartache and pain and I have done nothing to make the marriage successful. He has been nothing but giving and kind and I have taken advantage of his love. He says, Yes I hit you and I shouldn't have....but you put me in the predicament that brought on the violence. I have asked for a divorce, but I can't afford a lawyer and I can't afford to move. We have special needs children and I just don't know what to do. When I am home I get no peace.....it is constant discussions about how I did things wrong, put other people ahead of him and disrespected him. If I speak up and say what is on my mind, I am told that is not right or you are wrong. That my perception is not reality. This has been going on for 6 years and I am now just afraid. The last time that he hit me it cracked my tooth and caused other dental damage. I now talk to no one and just type my feelings in a file at work. I am afraid to say, "no" to him and afraid to say what I really feel, because I know that it will be wrong. There is so much more! I feel bad just typing this post.
