I would like to ask advice from the good people here if I may.

My wife and I have been married 29 years and have a good marriage but we are dealing with an issue that we cannot solve.

Several years ago I had a very stressful job. I put in long hours and the stress would often cause me to be in a poor mood when I came home. I was very good at the job but unfortunately I let it go to my head. My priorities got messed up and I began to put my job ahead of my wife and marriage. She grew very depressed and resentful but I was so involved in my job I didn't see it. One day she made me painfully aware of how she felt. Initially I tried to compromise on hours and schedule to devote more time to my marriage but by then the resentment had gone too far and I left the job.

For the next couple of years I tried to make up for my foolishness. I apologized for taking her for granted and spent as much time with her as I could. However, I could sense a distance between us that wasn't there before. When I talked to my wife about it she would say that it would take time for her to get over the fact that I ignored her.

Recently I decided that enough time had passed and I began a renewed effort to reconnect. I've read dozens of books on relationships including the ones written by Dr. Harley. I spend all my free time with her. We go out to dinner occasionally. Watch movies together. I write her poetry and give her small gifts. I text her all the time "I love you" and she texts me back as well. I hold her hand and we touch (non-sexually) all the time. We have no problems in the bedroom either. I feel that I have done everything that Dr. Harley suggests and have managed to avoid most negative aspects. My wife agrees that I have done all this but she is still distant.

Earlier tonight I tried to address this issue again. I told her that I feel like she is just going through the motions but not with real feeling. I asked her if she still was holding resentment against me for my poor prioritizing 4 years ago and she said she didn't think so. She said she needed more time. In the past I would have left it at that but this time I pushed further for an answer. She started getting emotional and angry and finally blurted out "why don't you leave me like everyone else has!" I think this has to do with her parents divorcing when she was young.

My question is how can I convince her that I'm not going to leave her. I told her that I feel she emotionally left me and gave up on our marriage years ago. She now agrees that she thinks that as well but doesn't know how to come back. She said she doesn't trust that I will stay with her and wishes I came with a "lifetime guarantee". I asked her what she needs from me and she doesn't know. Does anyone have any suggestions how we can deal with this?

I think the problem is that she grew very detached 4 years ago and has not re-attached because you aren't spending enough quality, undivided attention time together. She actually fell out of love with you back then. It takes 20-25 hours to fall in love and 15 hours to MAINTAIN romantic love.

If you would do that very diligently, you will see a big difference in about 8 to 12 weeks. It doesn't take this long to fall back in love so that tells me you are not doing this right.

In order to CREATE romantic love, a couple needs to devote at least 20 hours per week to giving each other undivided attention, meeting these 4 intimate emotional needs: conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

This really does work, but you have be diligent and you have to actually schedule the time. It won't work if you spend that time around children, friends, watching TV. The most effective UA time is spent going out on dates.

Dr Harley reccommends going out on at least 4 - 4 hour dates a week. Where you dress up and go out with each other.

My H and I schedule this time once a week. We sit down and write out the dates, times, and plan the activities.

We are passionately in love and even we can notice a difference in our marriage when we slip under 15 hours per week.

This is what will make the most dramatic, quickest difference in your marriage.

Check this out: The Policy of Undivided Attention

Also, have you checked to make sure she is not having an affair? That is one of the main causes for emotional detachment.

Thanks for the reply MelodyLane

Our children are mostly grown so our time is our own.

We go out at least twice during the week for a few hours alone together. On the weekends we watch a couple of movies alone together. A few months ago I suggested date night and we have that one or two times on the weekends as well. I've suggested doing other things together but she wants to go on her computer and "surf". She said it helps her relax from work. Sometimes when she's been on the computer for a while I'll ask her if she wants to do something and she will usually say she's happy doing what she's doing.

I probably should have mentioned this in my original post but she had a couple of online affairs AFTER I left my stressful job. This was three years ago and we reconciled and I have access to her computer and cellphone. I know nothing is going on in that regard.

I am sorry I did not say welcome to Marriage Builders in my previous post! Welcome aboard!




This is where I would start. She is obviously emotionally invested elsewhere and it may be an affair. If she has done this in the past, it is likely she is doing it again because your marriage has not really recovered. See, most marriages do not ever recover from affairs because they don't go through the correct steps. As a result, they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are more vulnerable to an affair AFTER than before. We have several repeaters over on the SAA board right now because they did not go through these steps.

Does she have any contact ANYTIME with any of her affair partners? I would put a keylogger on her computer and spyware on her phone. It is very likely this is the problem. If she even looks at a picture or occasionally chats with one of her OM it would put her right back in the fog. But I suspect it is more than that. Your marriage is very vulnerable to an affair so it would not surprise me if she is having an affair.

You say you have access to her cell phone and her computer, but she could easily hide an affair. Most waywards are savvy enough to delete emails, buy secret cell phones and can very, very sneaky about hiding. Its not hard at all.

I will also tell you that your time together is not nearly enough to sustain a marriage, much less enough to fall in love. First off, DEDUCT any time you spent watching movies because that is not undivided attention. A date "night" is not enough either. It needs to be TWENTY HOURS. Of good quality UA time. The reason she prefers being on the computer is because she enjoys it more than your marriage right now. That is a problem to overcome. That is what has to change in order to recover your marriage.