I am 5 months pregnant and a little over a month ago I found out my husband and one of my friends thought it would be appropriate to sleep with each other during the month of November (they were both fully aware of my pregnancy at the time). I had just gone on a trip with her 2 weeks before she made her move on him, she knew we were stressed out and not exactly happy at the time. I feel so sad and lost and alone right now. This is going to be our forth baby together and I don't know what to do. He's very remorseful and we are in counseling. I know other people have gone through this, but I don't know anyone personally so I don't know if I'm making the right decision or how long I should expect these feelings of extreme sadness and how long these horrible thoughts and reminders are going to last.....any advice?

Hi Llk, and so sorry you are here, but under the circumstances, you have landed on the BEST website to get through this. I'm kind of a newbie here myself, so I'll defer to the vets to offer you advice and a plan of action, but listen to what they say, and do what they tell you to do. You will NOT regret it...I promise you this.

Llkm2

So sorry you are here under these circumstances. Welcome to MB's-the club no one wants to be a member of but thankful is here.

How long have you been married?

What ages are your children?

How old are you and H?

I don;t know how much reading you have done on the site but the link below presents the MB's program in a nutshell.

You probably will need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley. The book goes into greater detail of the dynamics of A's.

Basic Concepts


Not sure there is one stock answer for your question. The timeline depends on what your now WH is doing at this time to help you overcome the assault-He was accomplice to-on your M is doing. Actions speak loudly.

What actions is he taking at this point to help you? and your M?

Keep coming back and ask questions.

nESRE

We have been married 11 years, I am 33, he is 34, our children are 3, 5, and 8 years old. He truly seems remorseful, I never thought he'd do this, it was just so out of character for him. Most of the time I feel very confident that this was a one time thing, but then the few moments that I am unsure are very unsettling and depressing. He has no alone time, if he leaves the house he takes one of our older children with him. I have access to all his email accounts, his phone, etc.....I am in charge of all of our finances so I know what he spends money on and when.

He cries everyday and says he will do anything not to lose us, but like I said, when I am having a moment where I am unsure as to whether or not to believe him, I really start to second guess myself. I never saw myself in this situation and sometimes the pain is so indescribable that I don't know what to do. My friends are trying to be supportive, but not having gone through this themselves their support and advice is limited. If I leave the house and feel uncomfortable with him being alone with his computer, phone, etc, he lets me take it, when he is on the computer or phone he sits next to me so I can see/hear everything he is saying. I know this isn't a healthy way to live, nor do I want to live like this. I just want my life back.

He is a completely changed person, he tells me now how much he loves me, he hugs me and actually talks to me (which he didn't seem interested in before). He shows our kids how much he loves them and he's doing everything in his power to be a better husband and father. I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances....

Thank you so much

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Llkm. Is your girl 'friend' married? Does her husband know what his wife did with your husband? Have you spoken with her?

Hi Likm2.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. My story is similar to yours and I was able to recover my marriage using MB. It can be done. It is not an easy road, but is well worth the fight to keep your family together.

The first step is to kill the A and ensure no contact for LIFE.

Is this OW married? Do your kids play together?

How did you discover the A?

Who have you exposed the affair to?



Keep breathing.

She is married, and her husband does know about the affair and he's in sort of the same place I am right now. I have not spoken with her and I really don't ever want to. I want to pretend I never even knew her, but I don't know how easy that will be...

Llk,

Welcome to MB. I will probably jump in on other things later, but just wanted to comment on the part I put in bold...

I am betting you do and just don't know it. the sad truth is many many spouses cheat and not everyone exposes like they should. Some of these people might even be your closest friends and family.

CV

Oops sorry, I accidentally hit submit too soon.

He claims to hate her because she used information about our marriage to manipulate the situation and she pretended not to know anything. I hope he does hate her. I feel like there has been no contact just judging by his reaction to the affair itself and the aftermath, but I have a lot of broken trust right now so I don't know if I should go with these feelings right now. Luckily our children do not play together, but we are in an area where it is impossible to avoid each other without moving. I feel like that makes it impossible to escape the constant reminders.

I discovered the affair from things they both said about their meetups with both of them sort of unknowing that they were giving themselves away. I put the pieces together and confronted my husband and he admitted it pretty quickly and appears to have been honest with the details since then.

I haven't denied the affair to people that have asked. Word gets around pretty quickly here and maybe I'm bitter (or my pregnancy hormones are out of control) but I really don't feel like I have anything to hide, and even though it may not be anyone else's business, I don't feel the need to protect what they did from being judged for the disgusting action that it was.....I may regret not keeping it more under cover down the road, but right now, I guess what people think of both him and her is my last concern

I would never wish this pain on anyone I know, but I would be so nice to have someone close to me understand what I am going through so I don't feel so alone

Your feelings are normal and you will be on a bit of a roller coaster ride for some time. It normally takes about 2 years to fully recover and can take up to 5 years in some cases.

How much has your husband confessed to you? The first thing you are going to have to do is expose the affair and have him write a no contact letter. This will help ensure that they will not try and reconnect again.

I know it is not the same as having someone there in your living room with you, but the good folks on this board are here for you and almost all of us have been through this. You are NOT alone.

Thank you very much CV!

Our counselor did suggest he write a letter that I approved of and send it to her, but then I was scared she would think I forced him to write the letter, or that she would take it as he's still thinking about her, and both of those thoughts scared me. But maybe I would feel more closure if we did this.

This article may help you with this statement above.


When Should an Affair
Be Exposed?
by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.



The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover's spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.
There are many reasons for these recommendations, but the primary reason is based on my belief that the more people know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others. Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it's far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when everyone knows about it.

Imagine how little crime would be committed if everyone's activities were videotaped. Several weeks ago, a street fight in Minneapolis resulted in the death of a teenager. A gang of over 20 men were involved in his death. But it all happened in front of a host of surveillance cameras. The men involved in this murder will be arrested, tried, and sentenced. Minneapolis used to be called Murderapolis because of its extremely high murder rate. No more. The murder rate is now one of the lowest for a big city because people have traded in their privacy for security. People are now safer because they're willing to have their activities recorded.

Another, almost equally important reason for exposure is that it usually provides support for the betrayed spouse at a time that their whole world is falling apart. When family, friends, clergy, and even children know what's happening to the betrayed spouse they can provide considerable emotional support when it's needed most.
But there are exceptions to exposure. Once in a while I dont recommend it. So the following is my definitive explanation and defense of this very controversial policy.

Whenever a betrayed spouse tells me that they've just discovered their spouses affair, my advice is almost always the same: Let others know about it. Tell your children, family, friends, clergy, and especially the lovers spouse, if they have one. And this is even to be done during what I call plan A (making an effort to make as many Love Bank deposits, and as few withdrawals as possible).

The problem some people have with that strategy is that it conflicts with the goal of plan A because it's likely to cause massive Love Bank withdrawals. An unfaithful spouse almost always considers such exposure to be a worse act of betrayal than their affair itself. But the alternative, helping the unfaithful spouse to keep the affair a secret, is enabling the addiction, prolonging the agony. In the long run, making the affair public knowledge without any forewarning, threats, or bartering (which by themselves can create massive withdrawals) actually reduces the number of Love Bank withdrawals made by the betrayed spouse.

It's my opinion that the advantages of immediate exposure usually far outweigh the disadvantages. But are there exceptions to my recommendation of the immediate exposure of an affair? Absolutely! Let me give you a few examples of situations where I would not suggest immediately exposing an affair.

A physically violent unfaithful spouse

In every instance of physical violence in marriage, I have recommend separation along with a restraining order to prevent any contact between spouses. No one who has followed my advice under my direct supervision has ever experienced injury in the 35 years of my counseling tens of thousands of couples. And I have counseled some of the most violent spouses.

If a wife tells me that her husband has a history of physical violence toward her, and she's discovered his affair, I suggest that she make immediate plans for a complete separation. Generally, I refer her to a shelter for abused women. After the separation is complete, and she is safe, I recommend exposure of the affair. Plan A is ruled out, and plan B is followed (no contact between spouses). Contact is restored only after the violent husband has enrolled in an anger management program, has no contact with the lover, and is willing to begin a program of marital reconciliation.

Uncertainty regarding the affair Many of the cases I've witnessed involve suspected affairs with no firm proof. In those situations, I do not recommend exposure. Instead of immediate exposure, I suggest gathering evidence that would convince a jury that an affair has taken place. In some cases I suggest hiring an investigator to gather that evidence. Once there is certainty regarding the affair, I then recommend immediate exposure.

Affairs are not usually difficult to prove. That's because the affair is an addiction, and addicts are notoriously sloppy in covering their tracks. They also become progressively sloppy as the affair develops. They try to hide it, and are reasonably successful early in a relationship. But eventually they leave text messages, email, and telephone records in plain sight for anyone to observe. If a suspecting spouse is patient, it doesn't take too long or require too much effort, to prove that an affair is taking place.

On the other hand, a diligent hunt for evidence may prove that the spouse hasn't been unfaithful after all. One of the best ways to learn to trust a spouse is to investigate and then find that the spouse has been trustworthy.

Those who guard their privacy in marriage, claiming that a spouse has no right to passwords, internet viewing history, email records, cell phone records, credit card accounts, and other sources of evidence, are more likely to have affairs. Privacy between spouses should never be tolerated for a host of reasons. But one of the most important reasons is that privacy, and the secret second life that it helps create, breeds infidelity. Transparency, on the other hand, where almost everything spouses do are known to each other, is one of the most important safeguards.

Economic considerations

A divorce, and even separation, can have dire economic consequences for a betrayed spouse. Many wives of cheating husbands that I've counseled are economically dependent on him. If she exposes the affair, she fears that he will leave her, creating financial hardship. So in those cases, before exposing the affair, I generally encourage her to plan for that possibility.

Women's shelters usually offer both legal and financial advice for women who find themselves dependent on irresponsible men. Temporary aid from government, religious, and other charitable agencies can provide a safety net for those women. While exposure usually causes the affair to end, these betrayed women can expose his affair with less fear when they know that separation will not leave them destitute.

When there is an affair in the workplace, my general advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit the job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the lover again. But while the affair is taking place and the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer?

While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children, and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such an exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or, it might trigger an outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult to find another job. So my advice whether or not to expose to an employer is usually made on a case-by-case basis.

Other issues

Many betrayed spouses are afraid that exposure will drive the unfaithful spouse further away. While it's true that unfaithful spouses usually feel betrayed and angry when their affair is exposed, I regard that reaction as being part of the fog that most addicts experience. When the fog has finally lifted, and the source of addiction no longer has control, the value of exposure is usually conceded by the addict himself.

Some feel that an affair should not be exposed to children. Granted, I would not tell a 3-year old about an affair, simply because a child that young cannot possibly understand what it means. But I would not hesitate to reveal an affair to a child 7 years or older. Exposure to those between those ages should be a matter of discretion.

What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lovers spouse should be informed. Granted, it's embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

As you probably already know, I'm a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency -- letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you -- holding you accountable.

If exposure of an affair threatens the marriage, should the risk be taken? I regard infidelity as a violation of the most basic condition of marriage. In most wedding vows, "forsaking all others" is usually the only definitive promise that's made. When you marry, the overriding condition that is mutually accepted is that you won't have an affair. When that condition is broken, the marriage is threatened at its very core. That's why I believe that spouses who have recovered after an affair should make new vows to each other, in effect reestablishing their marriage.

So when a betrayed spouse asks for my advice, I usually take the position that infidelity is the greatest betrayal of all. After an affair, trust, which is an essential ingredient in marriage, is dashed. If the unfaithful spouse is offended by being exposed, so be it. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery.

In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate marital recovery.

There is SOOO much more closure with a letter! Who cares what she thinks? She was skanky enough to sleep with another woman's husband. If your husband is on board with the letter (and if he's as remorseful as you say, he will be), then what you have is knowledge. knowledge that he's 100% on board with you.

CV

"He claims to hate her because she used information about our marriage to manipulate the situation and she pretended not to know anything. I hope he does hate her."

---when your husband says the ow manipulated him into getting naked, how much did she manipulate? Did she use a magic Brain Control Machine or mind control drugs? He chose to have sex with her and break his marriage vows.

Regarding the No Contact letter, you need to require him to write it and then you mail it Certified Mail. Also, USE THE NO CONTACT LETTER FROM MARRIAGE BUILDERS. Do not let him write her a letter without being told how to write it (otherwise he will write a love letter like my wife did to her affair partner).

Also, GET TESTED FOR STD. YOU CANNOT TRUST YOUR HUSBAND HE MAY HAVE HAD SEX WITH HER OR OTHER WOMEN BEFORE ; require him to get tested and show you results

Also, hang in there. Try to eat, pray, love, sleep. You are a beautiful person, tell yourself that in the mirror. You are NOT responsible for your husbands destructive choices.

NC letter samples

Welcome Llkm2. Sorry you are here.

If you click on the link for Newly Betrayed in my siggy, you will find a thread that will help guide you through the website.

Who have you exposed the affair to? Is there ANY chance that you or your WH will see OW again? There needs to be NC for LIFE. That includes you and your WH.