Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
Just great....I really wanted to see that one, jessi.

Guess I need to strike that one off the list...thanks for the heads-up!

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
Thinking about all this has posed some questions in my mind and I'd like to see what others feel.

When dealing with infidelity in movies and tv, is it hard on you no matter what - or only if the cheating is glorified? Does it differ for the FWS vs the FBS?

I remember several months after recovery began H and I were watching one of our favorite tv shows, Blue Bloods. (H has a man crush on Tom Selleck, lol.) The storyline involved a woman throwing herself at one of the main characters, who was married. He didn't succumb to the temptation and infidelity was treated very harshly! I was glad to see it - especially at that time when I was in "I want you to know how wrong you were" mode. H said nothing throughout the entire episode. A few days later he said it made him feel bad. I thought, "GOOD!" although thankfully, I did not say it. LOL

Recently, however, another show made excuses for the cheater and it ticked me off. H and I did not discuss it - and I didn't want to because I know now it is best to leave the affair in the past and that includes triggers.

On one hand, I love my husband: I don't want him to feel bad watching a movie or tv show. What good does repeated guilt feelings do? At the same time, part of me still holds onto the idea that maybe if he has to feel that twinge of guilt, he'll remember what an awful decision he made - as long as I'm not the one that causes those twinges.

The original post was about the movie - and how it made both spouses feel bad. I guess anything with infidelity can bring up bad memories. From a psychological standpoint though, I wonder if it can't be used for good if the subject is treated correctly and shows how damaging it is. Maybe it depends on where a couple is in the recovery department. ???


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
FHW & I will never again knowingly watch a show with infidelity, glorified or not. We watched Glee for a while, and the part where the counselor and teacher start to hang out together and get close began to infuriate me. So H turned it back in to the library.

I recently read "And the Shofar Blew," by Francine Rivers, a novel about a pastor who crossed the line into adultery. It all hit so close to home with the BS going through every single emotion I went through that I literally wept through the entire final quarter of the book--tears wouldn't stop flowing. I HAD to find out what they did, which is why I continued. Man, it hit me right in the heart, though.

In general, we stay away from movies/media that portrays it now, because I empathize far too closely and it causes me great pain, as if I'm experiencing it all over again.

We end up spending many evenings playing board games or watching really "safe" shows. Keeps us happier.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Did we all know that studies show that Romance movies, Romantic Comedies, and Romance Novels contribute to contribute to reports of lower relationship satisfaction?

O_o


Make more sense now?

Emotional porn...


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Did we all know that studies show that Romance movies, Romantic Comedies, and Romance Novels contribute to contribute to reports of lower relationship satisfaction?

O_o


Make more sense now?

Emotional porn...


Divorce is nothing but a big wife swap where some other man is raising your children. The saddest part to all of this is all the wayward is searching for is romantic love. Wife hopping and wife swapping seems to be a societal answer.

Movies and TV are the main advertisers of the "Grass is greener on the other side."

Because we are continuously raising children to not understand emotional needs as well as boundless, the hunt for that idealized romance continues. Meanwhile Lovebusters and inflammatory jokes about not meeting needs bombard story line after story line, and adultery comes in for the rescue.

The annihilation and destruction of families is a good thing today ... why because children do much better in conflict-less homes, so divorce already and make the kids happy. pukepukepukepukepukepukepukepuke


Last edited by PrayIncessantly; 02/16/12 05:51 PM.
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 240
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 240
Divorce generally just amounts to trading one set of problems for another with irreperable harm to the children thrown in for good measure! PI...so bummed to read your sig...he sure is still way foggy frown


Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)

He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11

Recovering MB Online!


Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: PrayIncessantly
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Did we all know that studies show that Romance movies, Romantic Comedies, and Romance Novels contribute to contribute to reports of lower relationship satisfaction?

O_o


Make more sense now?

Emotional porn...


Divorce is nothing but a big wife swap where some other man is raising your children. The saddest part to all of this is all the wayward is searching for is romantic love. Wife hopping and wife swapping seems to be a societal answer.

Movies and TV are the main advertisers of the "Grass is greener on the other side."

Because we are continuously raising children to not understand emotional needs as well as boundless, the hunt for that idealized romance continues. Meanwhile Lovebusters and inflammatory jokes about not meeting needs bombard story line after story line, and adultery comes in for the rescue.

The annihilation and destruction of families is a good thing today ... why because children do much better in conflict-less homes, so divorce already and make the kids happy. pukepukepukepukepukepukepukepuke




Idealized doesn't even cover it - the portrayals within media are often impossible mixes of brand new and long term relationship ups, and any and all downs are minimized to the absolute.

I think of the WW coming back in the movie Couples Retreat and how her BH just kind of shrugs it off that she was out being a doorknob the whole time (not that he was doing much better).


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,232
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,232
yes, PI, i was looking for you the other day. i was so sorry to see your sig line change. i had read your story. sorry to hear wh is still being a wayturd. :O(


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted By: LongWayFromHome
FHW & I will never again knowingly watch a show with infidelity, glorified or not. We watched Glee for a while, and the part where the counselor and teacher start to hang out together and get close began to infuriate me. So H turned it back in to the library.

I recently read "And the Shofar Blew," by Francine Rivers, a novel about a pastor who crossed the line into adultery. It all hit so close to home with the BS going through every single emotion I went through that I literally wept through the entire final quarter of the book--tears wouldn't stop flowing. I HAD to find out what they did, which is why I continued. Man, it hit me right in the heart, though.

In general, we stay away from movies/media that portrays it now, because I empathize far too closely and it causes me great pain, as if I'm experiencing it all over again.

We end up spending many evenings playing board games or watching really "safe" shows. Keeps us happier.



A good source is "Affirm Films" or of course Westerns. John Wayne always did the right thing!

Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
T/J

Thanks Cali and Letty - Even though WH isn't dating the wh0re, he is still in contact, he is still her friend, he still hangs out with her, and he is still protecting their relationship. With every fiber of my being I believe he is divorcing me to try and win her back.

While under WH's care a horrible tragedy happened to one of our children, and instead of stepping up to the plate to help me deal with yet another travesty, he has now run even farther away from us. It wouldn't surprise me in six months if he fully removes himself from all our lives entirely.

I had to break Plan B to deal with our children and this new nightmare. I had an opportunity to ask him some questions, and he fully admitted he wants to bury his life with me and the kids, and a new wife will give him the chance to have a clean slate. Even though these new women bring their children to the equation.

On a good note - he is now financially annihilated. He can walk away from me and our kids, but he is going to have to do it extremely poor. His life is now strapped with debt, high CS, and it will be this way for many many years due to the all our kids and their ages.

I still work to put it in God's hands daily. It is hard to see how he responded to my child and how he is refusing to help with his injuries. Reality of his life will quickly sink in and he won't be able to escape himself for long. He has a cesspool that is growing and it is following him on his run ... Tough~

I am doing well. I am financially set for life ... I am working on house plans to start building ... I am taking a vacation with all the kids to the Caribbean ... my soul is starting to just be still ... I am in need of a very long nap smile

T/J OVER

Last edited by PrayIncessantly; 02/17/12 06:39 AM.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
I'm sorry as well, PI, that your WH has not woken up!

I agree that romantic movies and books can cause marital dissatisfaction: people start looking to an unrealistic idea of what it's all about. Oh - the feelings are just supposed to be so overwhelming that it carries you through anything - no work involved!

As for my movie/tv question, it interestingly came up last night. H and I were trying to decide which of our recorded shows to watch. He passed on one because it's description was that the couple was dealing with jealousy about a co-worker and going to see a counselor. Said he didn't like the "subject matter" but I didn't see anything wrong with that. ??? It wasn't a big deal to me to watch something else, but it didn't mention anyone cheating. Go figure.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
I can easily say the odds are good that the movie included at least an EA if not PA.

Your WH saw that discription and said to himself: you can trigger, I can trigger, no need to go there.

So with WH thinking that you honestly think that he's going to even admit this to you when he just sees danger and says not worth the risk and decides to be safe steers clear then be sorry.

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
Well, I didn't think twice when he said he didn't want to watch. It wasn't a POJA so we enthusiastically agreed to watch something else! Win-win.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,232
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted By: PrayIncessantly
T/J

Thanks Cali and Letty - Even though WH isn't dating the wh0re, he is still in contact, he is still her friend, he still hangs out with her, and he is still protecting their relationship. With every fiber of my being I believe he is divorcing me to try and win her back.

oh for heaven's sake. and here i thought the military would do their part. banghead my mother always said, "if they wanted you to have a wife, they'd have issued you one." (my dad was a career marine.) i don't think that meant wives were interchangeable, however! what a wayTURD.

While under WH's care a horrible tragedy happened to one of our children, and instead of stepping up to the plate to help me deal with yet another travesty, he has now run even farther away from us. It wouldn't surprise me in six months if he fully removes himself from all our lives entirely.

say whaaaat? oh dear, this man has left his *&^^s in a basket somewhere. (sorry, raised on marine base. language can be ... colourful!) how can he even consider himself a man if he doesn't man up and be a father? foggy thinking = well, i can be a father to my next family. uh-huh. with what practice? rant2

I had to break Plan B to deal with our children and this new nightmare. I had an opportunity to ask him some questions, and he fully admitted he wants to bury his life with me and the kids, and a new wife will give him the chance to have a clean slate.

with each paragraph i become more speechless! dontknow who does he think he is, peter pan?

I am doing well. I am financially set for life ... I am working on house plans to start building ... I am taking a vacation with all the kids to the Caribbean ... my soul is starting to just be still ... I am in need of a very long nap smile


thank goodness mb was able to allow you to create your personal healing. are you going to plan b him for life? re your children...when my sister was little our dad stopped writing/calling. his CO got him back with the programme (my sis thought he had died - really). if you're not getting much joy with his direct CO, i'd move up the food chain, and consider MPs as well if/when you have paperwork.

good on you for taking care of yourself and your babies. hurray


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
Letty #2598235 02/17/12 11:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
Thanks Letty,

Yes the military really let me down. The affair started because they actually let this single wh0re live with my husband ... can you believe that chit?

The issue was everyone saw my husband as an outstanding husband and father. No one in a million years thought he would cheat; they all believed he was devoted to me and our kids.

The military has no idea how adultery starts ... and hence destroyed my family by their ignorance.

Granted ... that is why she dumped him ... the military did tell them they would lose rank if they catch them dating.

The saddest part to it all is she has done this before and only saw my WH as a temporary boyfriend in a land far far away. She used him only ... he fell for all her lies.

I am trying to let it go ... I don't want that resentment ... so I am working to forgive.

I can see his life literally self destructing as I type ... all I can do is sit back and watch in utter horror how this once amazing father and husband has fallen so far from Grace.

I pray God's grace will get him everyday ... I am the only one left who still believes this awful wayturd has the power to turn his life around.

My babies and I are well ... we are living a great life ... it keeps getting better with time.

Tough~

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
I've been dealing with this issue since my D-Day 17 mos. ago ... my FWH and I always enjoyed romantic movies together. Post D-Day watching them became unbearable for me and we had to stop for awhile. But I can say that, thank goodness, with time it's gotten much better for me. Along with the passage of time maybe it's also due to flooding, since infidelity is everywhere in our society, we can't escape it. MB Radio deals with it almost every show; meeting people who are divorced and on second marriages and wondering if infidelity played a role; hard to find a novel that doesn't mention it regardless of genre, etc. ...
We now watch movies and TV series again, but I research the plots beforehand. It does matter to me, in deciding whether to watch something or not, how infidelity is handled, whether it's taken seriously and shows the pain and damage (as in The Descendants) or if it's dealt with frivously. We discuss them when we see MB principles at work: we've become experts at identifying MB mistakes such as independent behavior, traveling separately on business trips, lack of POJA, not meeting EN's, lovebusters, etc etc. leading to the cheating. So in a way it's a reminder of our past mistakes and what we've learned.

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
Originally Posted By: itsmeagain
I've been dealing with this issue since my D-Day 17 mos. ago ... my FWH and I always enjoyed romantic movies together. Post D-Day watching them became unbearable for me and we had to stop for awhile. But I can say that, thank goodness, with time it's gotten much better for me. Along with the passage of time maybe it's also due to flooding, since infidelity is everywhere in our society, we can't escape it. MB Radio deals with it almost every show; meeting people who are divorced and on second marriages and wondering if infidelity played a role; hard to find a novel that doesn't mention it regardless of genre, etc. ...
We now watch movies and TV series again, but I research the plots beforehand. It does matter to me, in deciding whether to watch something or not, how infidelity is handled, whether it's taken seriously and shows the pain and damage (as in The Descendants) or if it's dealt with frivously. We discuss them when we see MB principles at work: we've become experts at identifying MB mistakes such as independent behavior, traveling separately on business trips, lack of POJA, not meeting EN's, lovebusters, etc etc. leading to the cheating. So in a way it's a reminder of our past mistakes and what we've learned.


Itsme: Does your husband say how it makes him feel to watch something that shows the pain and damage? My husband didn't really articulate except that it made him "feel bad" and I have never really wanted to delve into it - trying to keep the past in the past and all that.

Makes me wonder - anyone know if Dr. H has ever brought up the topic of movies/tv/books and how best to handle these things?


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
My husband doesn't trigger easily, only when I bring up the OW and the A, which makes him angry and sad when I do. (I'm getting better at not doing so, but it's been a long hard process.) Watching infidelity in movies doesn't bother him, but he does indeed know how much I suffered by his A and is very remorseful. At this point tho' he just wants to put it in the past. The decision to watch romantic movies is up to me, he understands and turns it off if something upsets me.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Originally Posted By: SunnyDinTX
Originally Posted By: itsmeagain
I've been dealing with this issue since my D-Day 17 mos. ago ... my FWH and I always enjoyed romantic movies together. Post D-Day watching them became unbearable for me and we had to stop for awhile. But I can say that, thank goodness, with time it's gotten much better for me. Along with the passage of time maybe it's also due to flooding, since infidelity is everywhere in our society, we can't escape it. MB Radio deals with it almost every show; meeting people who are divorced and on second marriages and wondering if infidelity played a role; hard to find a novel that doesn't mention it regardless of genre, etc. ...
We now watch movies and TV series again, but I research the plots beforehand. It does matter to me, in deciding whether to watch something or not, how infidelity is handled, whether it's taken seriously and shows the pain and damage (as in The Descendants) or if it's dealt with frivously. We discuss them when we see MB principles at work: we've become experts at identifying MB mistakes such as independent behavior, traveling separately on business trips, lack of POJA, not meeting EN's, lovebusters, etc etc. leading to the cheating. So in a way it's a reminder of our past mistakes and what we've learned.


Itsme: Does your husband say how it makes him feel to watch something that shows the pain and damage? My husband didn't really articulate except that it made him "feel bad" and I have never really wanted to delve into it - trying to keep the past in the past and all that.

Makes me wonder - anyone know if Dr. H has ever brought up the topic of movies/tv/books and how best to handle these things?


Common sense approach is to state this movie's plot reminds me of the past and causes me to trigger and I need to avoid these movies/tv shows to avoid triggering. I hope you can at the least not be bothered by this info, and will hope that you will remember and understand why I need to avoid such subjects. If you forget why I refuse to watch affair related entertainment in the future I will tactfully remind you as I have done now. Is there anything you need to add to this subject you can always ask me.

No direct mention of the affair so the non triggered spouse does not have to defend themselvess but once this has been mentioned no need to for the triggered spouse to bring this up again. Unless the offending spouse does not respect this boundary.

Just another boundary being put in place for recovery.

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
The hard part is when it smacks you and you don't know it's coming - despite your best efforts to avoid such things. Happens all the time!

I never know whether to say something or keep my mouth shut. I think my H is the same way. Both of us just tend to keep mum. I know some couples get to the point where they can discuss it (in a constructive way) but we aren't there yet. I think for now it's best we just let it pass if we can't avoid it.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 41 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
A3W, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80
71,701 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,693
Members71,702
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5