hi,

new to the forum and as of almost 4 wks my spouse set up an apartment with affair which has been going on for approx. 6 months or so from what i gather could be since last summer (don't know)

anyway, when it was discovered the reason behind the moving out spouse states they need to see if this will make them happy and not sure how long we will be in this sitch.

we have a blended family, with a teen at home and a grandchild also. since spouse is not wanting to end affair or work on marriage at this time - what is the best thing to do? i have entered counseling which says to give space and have no contact as this needs to run its course and most likely spouse will return. (spouse is 54, op is 21 - not sure this means anything)

anyway, spouse is also in a "me/selfish" type phase which again i am told they have to come out of and once they do, the affair will end shortly there after.

any suggestions????

123,

Welcome and sorry you are here. Sounds like you have some info on who the other person is. You will need to find out more and begin exposure. Expose to everyone in your house aged 4/5 and up in an age appropriate manner. Expose to family, friends and coworkers (if applicable). Expose to the AP's family as well.

Affairs are, at their heart, the grandest exhibitions of selfishness. Waiting and doing nothing doesn't end the selfishness and often feeds it.

Also, please remember that this affair is not your fault. It is your spouses.

Others will be along to add to what I've said.

CV

Okay, you're intentionally being imprecise in your wording, so this responder's suggestion is to cut through the smoke and get to facts so we can help you.

1) Are you and "spouse" legally and officially married? If so, how long?
2) What ordinal number marriage is this for each of you (first, second, umpteenth)?
3) Are you and "spouse" opposite genders, or is this a same-sex relationship? And oh, yes, which sex are you?

Being "coy" with us here is a waste of time and electronic ink.

Hi,

No, actually my knowledge of op is limited other than age, has small child 2/3 yr old and left child's other parent to be with my spouse. OP family knows and do not approve but are not going to do anything if there could be. For my spouse their family knows, place of employment knows as it almost cost their job. So, the work environment is not as pleasant as it used to be, however, spouse seems to be happy since the move out.

I am trying to have no contact, however, they will contact every 3-4 days just to check on our d or gc. so it is hard to have no contact if the spouse contacts you.

Hi,

1 - legally married for 16 plus yrs
2 - 2nd marriage for each; both had 2 children brought to marriage and 1 together (total of 5)
3 - we are male and female and i am female

Thank you.

So, 54y/o WH has affair with much younger OW, for several (six?) months, moves out and sets up living arrangement with her.

Are you independently employed and relatively financially self-sufficient?

The first step in fighting this will be a massive and wide-ranging exposure.

hi,

No we both work and have really good jobs:) and as i explained in another post spouses job knows and the environment there is very uncomfortable as they have lost respect for spouse and it almost cost their job. they used to work together at a part time job, but spouse actually worked with OW boyfriend whom was left also.

Exposure of the situation seems to have done nothing, spouse has been avoiding family for past 6 months or so and now we know why. Family does not live in the same area, we are here with no family just coworkers and few friends.

Hi 123, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

Is this your husbands FIRST affair? Did he have an affair in his previous marriage?

And when you say the affair is "exposed," can you be SPECIFIC? Who exposed exactly WHAT to whom? Did you personally speak to the OW's family? Did you personally expose the affair at work?

123xyz,

Given the ugly and exploitive nature of this affair, you need to expose far and wide. You WH should be ashamed of himself separating a young child from the childs father and you need to remind him of that.

Also all your children, grandchildren need to know what he is doing in an age appropriate way.

I'm very surprised the girls, and she is a girl, parents / brothers / etc are not coming down on WH like a ton of bricks. Perhaps they don't really understand???

God Bless
Gamma

hi,

yes this is the first and i discovered he was having the affair as a result of him saying we needed time apart and he was moving into an apartment to think and i thought that all it was; him being confused and trying to find himself, this turmoil with him had started around Oct 11. his wife cheated on him in his first marriage and one of the reasons for that divorce.

it was when we/he started talking about moving out and getting necessary things when i asked if i could go also, that is when it came out that he had someone else. i did not give him an ultimation to choose as i now the decision would be her at this point.


i am seeing a counselor who states this will pass and he just need to get out of this "me" phase he is in. i also thought it was a midlife crisis thing also.

as i said he almost lost his job, he was bringing the girl there so much and people thought it was our daughter, then they found out the truth. he was counseled but did not change his behavior although his work started to suffer.

i proceeded to tell his family although there were aware we were having probllems, only he did not tell me just them, i guess he was setting the stage for when he left he could blame me; we have issues like all marriages, but overall a good marriage. like many when he told me what he felt was wrong i bent over backwards and fixed thins, and then it changed to it is not you it is me.

no they do, but this is a step up for them. she did not graduate high school and then had a child around 18/19 i am guessing - so they were not really a big influence in her life so, although they do not like it they are also not going to do/say anything.

our children (31, 21, 21, 19, 15) total of 5 all know and none of the younger 3 are talking to him - only his son who is 21 btw who at one point was with the girl. my h knows this, but thinks she is a nice person who no one understands.

What did you mean they almost lost their jobs?

If you asked the workplace to bear more pressure on the A, would they?

Read the exposure thread in MLs signature for tips.

There is a big difference between people finding out accidentally and you, the BS contacting people and specifically requesting support.

The latter is a proper MB exposure where the wayward cannot help but be flattered at the BSs attempts to fight off the OW.

When people find out on their own, they assume that you have ended things because of the A or don't care about him any more. They won't support you if they don't know you want it.

Sitting back and waiting also gives a very uncaring message to WH.

Waywards like to demonise their spouse by saying things like 'you don't really love me' or 'our M has been over for years' or 'We make better friends than lovers'

You don't want to exhibit passive behaviours that prop up his delusion that you don't care.

I would fire your counsellor. She is just giving you overpriced cliches if she is blaming this on a MLC and she has no idea how to end an A if her advice is to do nothing. Check her success record and compare it to Dr Hs.

no, husband works and because of job performace almost lost job. he was focusing on scheming, taking time off from work and lying to boss that almost cost his job. h cannot lose his job for having affair, only if he does not perform his job.
she does not have a job.

h knows i do not want this to go on, and want the marriage to work. i met h after work today and stated "how long are we going to continue like this as i want to work on the marriage" their response was they did not know but do not want to work on marriage at this point.

i am standing to show my children a marriage is not disposalbe and something to fight for. from what i have read on affairs once he gets through the me phase he will see things clear and want to reconcile with family. i am a praying person and have turned this over to god

i am a praying person and have turned this over to god

I have heard US Marines say something to the effect of "It's God's job to forgive terrorists; it's our job to arrange the meeting as soon as possible."

Similarly, YES, your WH might come to his senses and return to your marriage, contrite and ashamed, after he gets through the "me" phase. It's YOUR job to drive him through that phase as rapidly as possible.

Your situation, though, seems to lack a number of the usual "leverage points" that BSs can usually utilize in re-shaping their WS's heads via an exposure.

• He is, at least marginally, financially viable on his own.
• The affair was not workplace-centric.
• POSOW has no BH or BBF, or other significant link.
• POSOW's family appears to be little distressed that their daughter/sister is acting like a whore.
• POSOW herself seems to have no firm moral grounding or self-respect. (Bang Daddy after banging Sonny?)

I would recommend one more universal exposure effort, basically to establish your good intentions with all family, acquaintances, etc. Then, since BH is not likely to look up from all his 21-year-old nookie in the six two/three weeks that BWs are advised to attempt Plan A, I would instead suggest you cut over to Plan B immediately.

Hi,

that's what i plan on doing. the family and freinds (who know) kow that i want the marriage to work. some feel once he gets through this fog he will return, however, nothing is for sure. i am having a hard day as i am wondering why am i putting myself through this for a maybe? really because after 16+ yrs i do not want to give and start over again.

i love my h and will try and wait to see what happens, just not sure. i am cutting any and all contact as of yesterday meaning even if they contact i will not respond. we'll see how this goes and i will keep praying.

i ask that all pray for me as well:)

Plan A is 2-3 weeks maximum for us girls, thank goodness, NG.

...i am wondering why am i putting myself through this for a maybe?

Because some day, your children, or grandchildren, or some other close person will possibly question (covertly, if not overtly) your commitment and morality. Their answer will be that you fought for what was right, and lost.

But YOU FOUGHT FOR WHAT WAS RIGHT!

Plan B is more than just cutting off contact, have you written a good plan B letter?

No, i have been looking at what plan b consists of and really do not think it matters if a letter is written or not. at this point, h flaunts the affair as everyone knows and he could careless who he hurts. his mom and family want nothing to do with him, but if h calls they will talk but not say anything about the situation as they feel it does no good.

before h moved out, i had written a few e-mails that stated how much i cared, reminded h what a good/decent marriage we had, that it was a work in progress as this was a down side, but could overcome it. it has been specifically relayed that until they are ready to work on the marriage then do not contact me - h is still doing what he wants.

when speaking with h he will state he does not want to work on the marriage now nor does h know how long current situation will go on. i have read several different books and various stuff on the internet and it seems other than cutting off contact until the other person is ready to work on the marriage or end it, there is really nothing the left person can do.

i have been trying to move on, as in focusing on myself and family, being polite to h when i do have contact, as act as if h does not exist. this as i said only works to a point as h will contact me every 3-4 dys to check on child or grandchild.

i have tried to encourage contact, such as coming over to house to help with something and even invited h over for dinner, to no avail. my thought behind this was if h were to spend time with family it would take away time from affair and then affair would be upset in turn causing h to rethink what he was leaving and getting into. however, h has not/will not interact unless it is on his terms i guess - he has yet to return to house since leaving.

again, today is not a good day and i am wondering why all this heartache, when h clearly does not want to be in marriage but with op.

Well, that is not quite true. Most of our recovered marriages here got that way by exposing the affair and recruiting family and friends to apply as much pressure as possible on the affairees. Causing as much conflict in the affair as possible helps to kill it off. Your husband will remain in the fog as long as he is in contact with the OW. It sounds to me like this affair has been going on for a LONG TIME. How long did you know about it before he moved out?

Have you exposed the affair to the OW's parents and family members? What are their thoughts on the OW shacking up with a married man?

If you have done of good job of exposing the affair [read the link in my signature] then the next step would be to change your locks and go into Plan B. What are Plan A and Plan B?