I just registered on the site after looking at it the last two days. Three weeks ago my supposed loving wife of 25 years dropped a bomb on me. We had what I thought was a great marriage, we were best friends, great companions and we work together. She told me that she still loved me but wasn't in love with me and that she was sure I felt the same way.(Not true thought we would grow old and die together.) She then told me that she had accepted an old boyfriend from 32 years ago as a facebook friend. That they had been having an online/telephone affair for 3 weeks and that they think they are in love.

At this point they hadn't met yet as he lives several hundred miles away. She told me she felt she had to see him to see if what they felt was real.

I spent the next week trying to convince her that we could get counseling (had never had any) to see if we could fix us. She said she didn't want to fix us because she had decided we were done. She did go see a counselor herself which turned out badly as the counselor (according to her) said she was just done with the marriage and needed to move on. The earliest we could get in to see a counselor together was a week after D-day. When we pulled up to the counselors office she informed me that the new boyfriend was flying in tomorrow. Well needless to say I was a little worked up during the counseling.

The counselor (female, about my wifes age) came at her from every angle trying to tell her that she was making a huge mistake. She likened it to a first taste of meth, told her it would end badly and that she would have serious regrets. I read a nine page letter I had written the day before and in it I told her that I wanted her to pack her things and get out of the house. She had told me earlier in the week that we should just continue to live together while she figured things out. The counselor agreed with me and told her she needed to move out.

We went home, she packed up some stuff and then we sat our two sons, 17 and 21 years old, down and I told them everything. They are devastated and she was furious that I told them about the affair and that they were meeting for the first time the next day. 21 year old told her if she stayed and tried to fix it that it would take a year or to for him to forgive her but if she went through with it she could add at least a decade. She replied don't I deserve to be happy and said that we were attacking her. I again asked her in front of the boys not to do this and to give us a chance. She walked out the door.

Well it turns out she lied about the encounter also, she flew out and spent two days with him and then returned to town. Two days later we went to see the counselor that she had seen by herself.(it had already been set up and I thought nothing to lose.) The counselor played the middle and said maybe she was just done but did call her out on a few things that were lies. The counselor then told me that I had drawn a boundary that my wife had crossed so I was probably done also. At that time I agreed. We had a good cry on the way home, both agreed that we had not taken good care of each other emotionally and were really sad that it had ended this way. She said though that she was still in love with him and I said that I thought things had went to far for me to ever forgive her.

Now it has been two more weeks of us working together, starting an amicable divorce proceedings, going through paperwork and I am so torn between despising my best friend, lover and wife for the horrible betrayal, and thinking that maybe I could get over this and we could start over.

After studying this site, I'm sure i messed up plan A during my week of trying to talk her into not having the physical affair and giving us a chance. She would tell me how he made her feel with the things he told her, some of it very intimate. She basically had a exit affair and told me ahead of time that she was going to. Those two days knowing that the woman I loved with all my heart was in the arms of another man, were agony like nothing I have ever imagined.

This is so unlike this woman she has always been very compassionate towards other and if one of her friends or family had been doing something like this she would have taken their head off.

Anyway I guess I am just confused about whether I can get over this, should want to get over it or how I would even get her to give him up so that we can try to get over it. (She is now saying she is probably moving to him and in with him.)

Welcome to the club that nobody wants to belong to Steel. There are some wonderful people on this site who will be along shortly to help you to save your marriage, which does sound very salvageable.

(((steel))))

Thanks, Lord knows I need it. I feel like I'm losing my mind or living some horrendous nightmare.

Welcome to MB Steel but I'm sorry you are here.

We really wish you hadn't suggested her to move out. I did the same thing, but what's done is done.

The first thing you are going to be asked is if you have exposed this affair to family, friends, etc and also do you know who this OM is?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I've found the book "Surviving an Affair" extremely helpful. Order it now, read the entire book, and follow the directions of the folks on this forum and in the book.

After spending time on this site, I wish I wouldn't have moved her out either. She might be willing to move back in if I work it right. She is staying on an air mattress at her moms house and she did want to stay here originally.

Her mom knows, she is supporting her. My sister knows (they were best friends, more like sisters and my sis is furious with her.) My parents know, they haven't spoken to her. My Cousin knows, she is like my second sister and a good friend of my wifes. She is also furious at her.

The OM I know by name and my sister showed me his facebook page. My wife hadn't even seen him for 32 years so I have never met him. My wife did tell me that his family and coworkers are very upset with him for being involved in this.

I feel bad for you, Steel. My H's affair with an old high school girl started on FB as well - who lived several states away - and yes, he visited her several times but the affair had started out on computer/phone.

I have a limited amount of time at the moment but I suggest the first thing you do is get on FB and copy down all of OM's facebook contacts (friends/family) and paste into a Word document.

Is OM married?

Classic move by a wayward to get you NOT to expose to his side. Do it anyway as they may not actually know anything. I'm sorry steel, but you can't believe anything your wife says right now.

Also - since you have older kids, they may just be the best people there are in holding your wife accountable for her infidelity.

My kids were TICKED at my husband for cheating and made no bones about it! They let him know they were having NO part of him and his relationship with OW. They wouldn't speak to him when they found out.

I asked H to move out when I found out he was cheating. But - I had been Plan Aing (without really knowing that's what I was doing) for quite awhile before I found out about the affair. My position was that I wasn't going to live in a marriage with a third party in it - and that's the position you should take as well. But, I understand it's harder to Plan A living separately.

Oh mercy, steel. I can empathize. Your WW (wayward wife) seems to have followed the same script as mine - Facebook, old friend, 'in love', blah blah blah. It's infidelity, and as you now know, it's extremely destructive.

She is now deep into what is known as 'the fog', and it is a very thick, dense fog. Ever hear of the real bad fog they get in central California that causes those 50+ vehicle pile-ups once a year or so? It's like that.

You are at a good place. That being said, I'm very sorry that you have to be here. You will get great advice centered around the MB principles. It's great stuff. The people here are wonderful. You have support.

Read as much as you can. Read Surviving An Affair. Read His Needs, Her Needs. If at all possible, get your WW to read them. Read all about Plan A. And, most importantly EXPOSE the affair. You really will never be able to make any progress while the affair is going on, and exposing is the single most important step that you can take to blow it up. This is critical.

Your marriage is being attacked. Do everything you possibly can to stop the attack - you can worry about cleaning up the mess later. Stop the affair.

You will be getting lots of advice from good people who know what they're talking about. There's no guarantee that you will be able to save your marriage (mine did not survive) but if you don't take the steps that will be outlined for you, I can pretty much guarantee that the marriage is toast.

Give yourself a shot - divorce really, really sucks.

Linus

Also - don't worry about this being an "exit" affair. My husband claimed he was done as well.

And absolutely do NOT believe your wife on ANYTHING right now. YOU need to expose this affair to all involved - not listening to what your wife has to say about who knows, how, why, and what they have to say about it.

I dont know much about facebook. Haven't ever had an account. The OM is not married. He has three failed marriages/serious relationships

"Classic move by a wayward to get you NOT to expose to his side. Do it anyway as they may not actually know anything. I'm sorry steel, but you can't believe anything your wife says right now."

Don't really think it was a classic move. She knows I woludn't have anyway to contact any of these people since I don't know any of them and am facebook illiterate

"Also - don't worry about this being an "exit" affair. My husband claimed he was done as well"

Thats not really what I meant. I have researched and this is the most hurtful type of affair. She made me say our marriage was over by her words and actions because she didn't have the guts too or she would have just went ahead with the affair and tried to keep it hidden.

Steel,

Get you sons to help you with facebook.

Yeah, I can do that. I just don't know if it's worth saving because I don't think I can get over it. But then I go back and forth.

Yep, I bet they would love to help torpedo this scuz bucket.

Only you know if it's worth saving, but you can get over the affair if she stops it, gets out of the fog, and work with you to fix your marriage. There are lots of success stories here.

But again, you have NO chance until the affair is stopped, there is no more communication, you both put Extraordinary Precautions in place, and you start the MB program TOGETHER. I can be done!

25 years together - children - something to think about. And as I can attest - divorce is the pits, my friend.

I know I am probably making excuses. (My head is so screwed up that I don't know which way is up.) We are doing a very amicable divorce and she could really take me town for alimony in this state if I blow things up. Then I decide or find out we can't save it anyhow?

"Yep, I bet they would love to help torpedo this scuz bucket."

They are 6'3" and 6'4" and they would really like to line up on him. By the way they both will barely speak to their mother. And she has always had a very close relationship with both of them. I warned her it would happen.