I am married for 12 years, but we've been together for almost 19 years. My DH was unfaithful in the past. Well, to be specific, I caught him right before it got physical, but it will still cheating in my book. Well, looking back on it I was told it did not get physical. I now think I bought a lie on that one.

I was in a very low place, at that time, and after experiencing his lies and cheating, I was in an even lower place mentally and emotionally. So I stayed with him and I feel maybe that I should not have done so or I should have required counseling, but I didn't. I just tried to work through it. I know now that we've never really worked through it. It caused major damage that I don't think I have ever fully gotten over no matter how much I have tried. This was about 5 years ago.

So the situation now is that I suspect he may be unfaithful again or on the verge of it. I'm not certain though and I am not so sure how much of it is what I am seeing and the leftover feelings and doubts from the previous situation. So here are the facts as far as what I know that's going on now.

- My DH has stopped asking for sex or it has definitely decreased.
- He's been picking fights one minute and the next being really kind and helpful. Very hot and cold.
- He's can be very highly critical of me for small things.
- Finding excuses to leave the house and run unnecessary errands, I believe to talk on his phone. We were literally watching our favorite team in the basketball tournament (March Madness) and I heard his phone vibrate. He looked at it, but did not answer. A few minutes later he said he was tired of watching the game and had an errand to run and left in the middle of the game!
- I checked the computer history and saw the following: lots of porn sites, that he had been reviewing different types of pre-paid cell phones, and the most disturbing thing I saw in the history was something connected to his email account that said "Wetlips sent you a message." I'm thinking this must have been some type of instant message. I cannot access his email account nor will he ever leave his phone somewhere that I can access it, plus he has it all password protected.
His previous infidelity was with what he termed a "call girl", but what I call a prostitute. I believe if my hunch is right, this is likely what he is doing again. I don't think he'd do the girlfriend thing bb/c he wouldn't want the emotional attachment.
- After just reviewing the history and not saying anything to him about it, a couple days later I saw that he erased all of that computer history.
- He has 2 email accounts that he has not told me about or shared with me.
- He goes out of his way to make sure I have no reason to even touch his car - long story short - his car was how I found out what was up the last time, which he is aware of.
- He's also spending more time on his appearance lately, but that's not the biggest sign for me b/c he's goes in and out of phases of caring about his looks.
-Also I just found a paper in his pocket with two phone number with female names. One of the number is an 877 number. I also think he likely lied about his wherabouts a couple of nights ago. He was supposed to be at the library but came home long after it closed.
So, where do I go from here? None of this is definitve, but it is all very shady. I'd like definite proof, which I will probably use a keylogger. Thoughts?

Also, where do I read about Plan A and Plan B, etc? I keep seeing references, but I'm having trouble finding it on this site.

I would get a keylogger on his computer and put a VAR and a GPS on his car. Go read on the Operation Investigate forum for tips.

Can you hire a PI?

I can't get access to his phone. I did a VAR before and told him about it, so that would be hard to do. I'm considering the PI. I think I will get what I need from the keylogger and if I do, then I'm already planning to expose/confront him.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Also, I've been reading about exposing on here and I realize that's what I did the first time. I literally told everyone. However, I'm pretty sure I'm dealing with a prostitute situation and not a girlfriend situation. So how does exposure differ in that situation?

Thank you Melody for that info. I did Plan A, the first time but not Plan B, which was my mistake. It is my intent to ask my DH to leave when I expose him. I don't know if I will want him back, but he will definitely have to go and give me space to think all of this over.

It doesn't differ at all.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Plan B is only done when your spouse won't end his affairs.

I will look into getting the book. I think it would have been more helpful the first time. I'm pretty done and don't know that I have it in me to fix this marriage and I absolutely doubt that my DH would do what he needs to do to fix it as well.

I am wondering if maybe MB is not for me. I'm re-reading this and I'm doing the carrot part, except that I don't have a feeling that there is a possibility for recovery. I don't know, ,maybe this is not the right forum for me. I'll have to give this some more thought.

Actually after reading that full entire post on Plan A, I think I have on mky own been engaging in Plan A behaviors ever since the first time that he was unfaithful, except that I did not hold him accountable enough and I did not require full transparency from him. So maybe I am now at the point of needing to start Plan B b/c clearly the behavior is continuing. I know I need him out so I can think more clearly.

nononnono, Plan A and Plan B are for folks who WANT to save their marriage. You ASKED what Plan A and Plan B are so I told you. Only you can decide if you want to save your marriage. If you don't want to save it, we would still be glad to help you!

Thank you, it is good to know I can still get help here if I don't want this marriage anymore. I guess it's not that I'm 100% sure I don't want it, it's that I have serious doubts about my DH's ability to follow a plan like MB. I don't think he has what it takes and I'm tired from everything and don't think I have it in me to watch him fumble it all up over and over again. My heart has been broken by him too many times and it has hardened up and is starting to close off. I also have lost a lot of respect for him and have serious doubts about his core character.

The way the plans work is you would give your H a list of conditions that he would have to meet in order to recover your marriage. If he doesn't meet those conditions, your marriage won't recover anyway and you are better off divorced. In that case, you would just go to Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. If he changes, you can consider giving him a chance, and if not, you would just divorce him and nmove on. And that can be done in conjunction with the filing of divorce. Plan B would be in order regardless of whether you decide you want to save the marriage or not.

So, following the plans in this way protects you and keeps your options open in case he does make a radical 180 degree change.

Your next steps will be to snoop like a bloodhound and find out what he is doing. Once you find out, you can then decide what you want to do. But this program does not promote staying in a bad marriage. Especially with women, Harley recommends separation in 3 to 4 weeks after discovery of an affair.

OTL, does your husband believe he has a right to secrecy? What would be his response if you grabbed his phone and asked for his password? Does he believe you have a right to look at his phone? I am trying to understand the dynamic in your marriage.

Yes, I'm definitely being a bloodhound. Melody, thanks for all of the information. I'm going to continue with my investigation and will likely jump into a Plan B once I have enough to confirm my suspicions.

It is on him to seek and make that 180 degree change on his own, though I doubt he would do it - he is not one for self-introspection and prefers to blame all of his failings on others, especially on me. I don't have it in me to require it of him with him not having the ability to recognize that he has problems in himself that he needs to change. However, if by some miracle he does have that 180 degree change, even if we do not reconcile, in the long run it is a benefit to himself and our children. But I'm not holding my breath on it.

Yes, he definitely believes this. The last time I tried to confront him on the porn issues popping up on the computer the exact quote from him was "I'm a grown man and I can do what I want." Basically, I was not to question him on it. Anytime, I question his whereabouts he is vague or he tries to turn it around on me. I am part of the problem here b/c I have allowed it. I know that and own it.

Yes he is responsible for his changes, but you are responsible for your boundaries. For example, you would hand him a list of conditions and say, "this is what it will take to make me consider staying in this marriage." He needs to know under what conditions you would consider a future with him, if at all. And then he is 100% responsible for those changes. And he either changes or you don't stay married to him. See what I mean? The ball is entirely in his court.

At least you understand now that there should never be any secrecy in marriage. This dynamic is what allowed him to have the secret second life necessary to conceal affairs.