hugs to you, my friend. [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[lightsout]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

LO, I would use this event as an opportunity to transform your marriage. You don't have to live in a crippled marriage. You are sitting right on top of the best marriage program I have ever found. But you have to use it in order for it to work.

Mel I just got off the phone with my W she called crying wanting to come home. After some soul searching last night I decided that with over half my life invested in this marriage and that was too much to throw away. I have not been the perfect husband either far from perfect. I told her it was pure craziness to be fighting about something that happened years ago she agreed. She also told me that the OS was the final straw whenever she refused OM dumped her. She them realized she had been used and realized what she had walked away from. W getting dumped is something I didn't know until about a year. I ask W why she didn't tell me the truth about the OS whenever we decided to work on the marriage. I also told W that I had been radically honest about my A with her. W said the she thought I was to mentally unstable at that time to handle it. W stated that she thought I would kill both of them or commit suicide. I can see her point at that time in my life. She also said she had tried many times to tell me but couldn't because she could see the hurt in my face whenever we would talk about the A. She also told me over the years she had wanted to try OS with me but it brought back to many painful memories. W said now that the truth is out she can erase those memories. I told her I would get her the next flight out but it would probably be Monday due to Easter. We both agreed that we talk with Dr. Harley and put this craziness to rest once and for ever.

I think you have made the right decision, LO. And if there is anything else she is withholding now is the time to get it out so you can move forward. She needs to understand that withholding the truth has caused enormous damage to your marriage. I hope she can see that now.

I am glad you have decided to counsel with the Harley's. Are you going with the online program or with counseling? Or both?

Mel I have told her if there is anything else that she needs to tell me that now is the time because there will not be a next time. I made it clear at this point I would forgive her for anything but only at time. She assured me that the OS was the only thing she didn't tell me about because pain it caused her and she knew it would devastate me at that time. I truly believe she has finally told me everything. I can hear the relief in her voice now that the truth is out. I would rather go with both programs and finally end the insanity in my life forever.

Smiles of relief for you and your dear wife, my friend.

Thanks Mel

Lightsout,

I'm so happy that you're deciding to stick with it and counsel with the Harleys.

Do you still plan to tell the OM's BW now that the poly is done?

What about having your WW write a NC letter?

BrainHurts I have been bouncing that question around in my head. I have weighted the pros and cons. OM was supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with the woman he married. I think that she deserves to know what her now husband was doing behind her back. I am almost positive I am going to contact her and tell her what was going on then she can do whatever she wants to with the information I give her. At least I will have exposed that he was having a not so exclusive relationship with her.

I agree with you, plus his BW can watch things on his end.

What about the NC letter? You could have your WW write it and cc his BW then she also knows that way.

You seem to be doing better today? Remember this is a marathon and not a sprint on this roller coaster.

BH, did you see that the affair ended 17 years ago? So the nc letter wouldn't be necessary. Agree with calling the OMW.

That's right, thanks.

I was just thinking about JC for Lightsout.

Lightsout,

Present OMW with all the snooping techniques, especially give her the number of the polygraph expert.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma I was just thinking about that. OM name is in one of the questions. I am going to sign a release letting the polygraph examiner let OM W see the questions and results.

lightsout,

I wasn't sure if you had seen this article by Dr. H yet?

How Can Trust Be Restored after an Affair?

Lightsout,

At least I will have exposed that he was having a not so exclusive relationship with her.

You will likely get a double hit if you can convince OMW to give OM a polygraph, in fact offer to pay for it!

Any scumbag who would knowingly engage in an affair which separated a child from their mother would have no scruples about continuing to cheat after he got married, and likely turned into a serial cheater.

I suspect you will be doing OMW an enormous favor and provide her with proof of what was only a sickening suspicion during her entire marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

Lightsout,

How are you doing?

BrainHurts, things are going well. W got home Tuesday morning. Monday I went to the PO and mailed a letter to OMW. Yesterday the polygraph tester called and said OMW wanted my phone number I told him to give it to her. OMW called within 10 minutes and wanted to know the whole story. I told her that her husband was seeing my W at the same time he was seeing her. OMW told me she had thought something was going on because at times he was unable to perform. W had told me the same thing. The OMW was PO ed to say the least. She thank me for telling her I told her if there was anything else she needed she could call me. I also told my W what I had done she supported my decision. W told me Thursday that she wanted to do something special so I ask her where she wanted to eat and if she wanted to go to a movie. W told me that was not what she had in mind. W and I took a shower together. W wanted to try OS with me again she said that she had wanted to for years but because of the guilt she just couldn't. I was more apprehensive making sure she wanted to do that on her own and not just doing it to please me. W assured me she did want to. Things went well for both of us. I have been able to sleep without sleeping medication for the first time in years. I wish MB had been around whenever we were having problems and maybe I would have gotten the truth sooner and not lived all those years in a state of depression. I would also like to thank everyone who posted and gave me advise I truly believe without the advise I would still suffering silently.

You did great, LO!! The only watch out I see here is that she needs to understand that anything she does with you must be done out of personal enjoyment and not out of a sense of guilt.

This is a trap that many FWW's fall into and it is very destructive to marriages. If she is sacrificing her personal enjoyment for yours, it will poison your sex life because she will develop an aversion. PLEASE make this very clear to her and don't let her do that, LO!

Am so glad you are on the right road now! Do you have the Marriage Builders books? If so, I would start implementing the basic concepts in your marriage. You are positioned now to have a great recovery.

Thanks Mel I have made it perfectly clear to her that if she wants to have OS that is great. I have also told her that I want it to be her decision and for her to enjoy it and not be doing something to please me. W has assured that she had wanted to have OS with me for a long time but the guilt always got in the way. W said that now she does enjoy it and is planning on more.