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Ahhhh Christmas dinner at 7 so~
I have time- always fashionably late. So perhaps eightish.
We never regret NC.
For myself, although I'd have done it to keep my H. Woulda never worked. Never.
Down the road some ten years since d-day. We have lost all of our parents. Within a few years. More heartache.
Lots of drama from ow with THAT too So if we included the stranger oc in our lives I'd never ever have some peace. Not that we have tons but ANYTHING we do is without an ow or oc~
God Bless Dr Harley.
He gave the correct advice. We moved. Not far enough as ow has oc in our nieces and nephews school. Closed schools. But she uses her husbands mother as legal guardian. Legally our hands are tied.
Our kids moved to another suburb. So granddaughter will be at harms length.
It would have never ever worked. I told my H I'd step aside. He could have oc but I wouldn't be there. Not ever.
I meant it
So I give glory to God as my prayer was always to * lead me in the right direction*
so much more. But here we are.
Banged. Bruised. Scarred. Together.
More appreciative for each other than ever.
I would have made it without my H. God granted us more time. Just a little.
I am eternally grateful
Oh! No! I'd never trust my h with ow. Not a minute. So angie. I never had to test him ....... But if push came to shove and he didn't have my back. He'd be on his own. I don't ever need a test to see if he wants to be with me. If he wanted her. He'd be there raising oc. What do you think??
Love
Debi
Married 3-02-74
D-day 11-13-00
Recovered very well now~
N/C
Me and H both 55
1 beautiful granddaughter, a wonderful son, and daughter-in-law...(like a daughter~)
God answers all prayers in His own way...in His own time.
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Btw ' hello Faithy and Pepp'. And Pops!!!!!
Married 3-02-74
D-day 11-13-00
Recovered very well now~
N/C
Me and H both 55
1 beautiful granddaughter, a wonderful son, and daughter-in-law...(like a daughter~)
God answers all prayers in His own way...in His own time.
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Wow, Gemini1. Thanks so much for sharing this. I am only around 18 mos. post DDay and your post is very encouraging. I always appreciate a glimpse into the future. We, too, moved. 1600 miles away. I hope that I will have a a happy (or happier) ending as you seem to have.
(((Gemini1)))
Me: BS age 35 POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there Married 14.5 years, together almost 16 DDay: 7-5-09 OC born: 7-23-09 no COM: tried 6 years  D filed 5/05/2011 D final 11/10/11 I was gaslighted for 2 years. "You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Btw ' hello Faithy and Pepp'. And Pops!!!!! 
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gem, hi right back atcha. be a good grandma and spoil that little GD to pieces.
Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS
me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
now 8 grandchildren
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Enjoyed your post, Gem. As in the past, I feel like I can actually hear you saying the things you say, as if we were chatting in person, over coffee. Godspeed, old friend....
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This is first and foremost a MARRIAGE BUILDING SITE.
The goal of the owners of this site is to provide a forum where married couples, or soon to be married couples, can discuss and learn the basic principles that can turn a so-so marriage or even a terribly damaged marriage into a loving caring sanctuary for both spouses.
This site does not provide basic concepts for child-rearing, and the main focus of this site is not about children.
This site does provide a basic concepts for MARRIAGE BUILDING.
The Harley's strongly support a healthy loving marriage, in part because an intact functioning marriage IS the best environment in which to raise children.
Yes, there are other functional ways to raise children, but the other ways are NOT generally considered to be THE BEST environment parents can provide.
Let me repeat - an intact happy marriage is the most positive environment for raising children.
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In the interest of MARRIAGE BUILDING There are three parts to the way affairs should end. The first part is revealing the affair to one's spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place. BUMP FOR NOOBIES
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Some older posts to add to this thread.
If the OW is currently pregnant .....
Try MARRIAGE BUILDING
while the OW is pregnant.
Your marriage is like a ship with a large leak right now. You are taking on water and your ship is in danger is sinking.
You need to do something.
But, instead of fixing the leak that is happening right now ... you are thinking about the future passengers that you may have to take on ... well, unless you fix your marriage ... the decisions about OC and all that goes with an OC are moot.
What are you doing to repair the marriage? And by "you" I mean both you and your husband.
After an affair, it is very very important that the 2 affairees NOT see or speak to each other. For many reasons
one reason is ... it is highly likely the affair will re-start
another reason is it is completely disrespectful to the faithful spouse
another reason might be it gives the OW false hope that she still might "have a chance" to win over the heart of your husband !!!!
NO CONTACT ....and there is no compelling reason for them to discuss anything until after the baby is born and after DNA has proven your husband to be the father.
If your husband insists on talking to OW before the child is born, you should ~assume~ their affair is not over.
Please take time to study all the steps necessary to recover your marriage .... read Surviving an Affair .... and read all the links under the "concepts" part of this site.
best of wishes for you and your family Also according to Harley a few things need to happen:
1.a. WS needs to take full responsibility for the affair. He needs to tell you how and why it happened. He cannot blame you in any way for his affair ... that just means he doesn't get it yet. Stop here and go no further. He is not ready for reconciliation yet. (You shouldn't tell him he is not ready yet. You can tell him though that you did not tell him, force him, or give him permission to have an affair and that you will in no way take responsibility for it.)
1.b. He needs to disclose all the details, the wheres , whens, hows, and whys that you need to know to find closure. He has to be willing to answer all your questions as often as needed.
2. He needs to fully acknowledge the depth and scope of the pain he has caused you. You have to really feel that he "gets" it and in truly remorseful.
3. he needs to be willing to do what ever it takes to make you feel safe. ( this is where the NC letter and extraordinary precautions for NC come in.)
4. You need to agree on a plan for recovery.
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Wow, this is an amazingly bizarre thread and I was so grateful to get to starfish's post that finally injected some sanity here. The implication that it is "adult" to friend a terrorist whose goal is the destruction of your marriage and your children's family is bizarre. You don't "get along" with a terrorist, you protect yourself from her. [lest you end up with your head cut off! nothing "adult" or virtuous about exposing yourself to foolish risks.  ] Having any contact with an OW will only prevent the recovery of the marriage by keeping the BS and the WS perpetually triggered. No marriage can afford that. It is, however, an "adult" responsibility to protect your marriage and your children's family from an OW. Dr Harley advocates no contact between the married couple and the OW and, ideally, no contact with the OC. It is scary to read some of these old threads and see how far from actual Marriage Builders concepts - and simple basic sanity - this forum once veered. It disturbs me because marriages that involve an OC need to be MORE stringent about recovery concepts, not less. For them it is a matter of survival after such a compounded trauma.
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Joined: Oct 2000
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BUMPThis is first and foremost a MARRIAGE BUILDING SITE.
The goal of the owners of this site is to provide a forum where married couples, or soon to be married couples, can discuss and learn the basic principles that can turn a so-so marriage or even a terribly damaged marriage into a loving caring sanctuary for both spouses.
This site does not provide basic concepts for child-rearing, and the main focus of this site is not about children.
This site does provide a basic concepts for MARRIAGE BUILDING.
The Harley's strongly support a healthy loving marriage, in part because an intact functioning marriage IS the best environment in which to raise children.
Yes, there are other functional ways to raise children, but the other ways are NOT generally considered to be THE BEST environment parents can provide.
Let me repeat - an intact happy marriage is the most positive environment for raising children.
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