I am back am looking for help in recovery. I thought about starting a new thread but I think you would prefer I not do that. I would like to move my thread to recovery because I am no longer having an affair and have had NC for a long time. I look for some expert would need to tell me that is reasonable.

First, H dislikes me discussing personal issues with others (such as this forum). H says that is what got me into affairs in the first place. My needing to talk to other people (including psychologist) is part of my problem. Although I agree that I should only have intimate conversations with H it is difficult for me to work through recovery without the help of others. H is likely to see this post and get angry but we need help.

Second, I want help writing my story to H (not telling you guys the details) but I need your help coming up with the questions H needs answered. I want to write something up because it is hard for me to talk to H about it. I believe I have not given H closure about the affair and all of my past behavior. So I am looking for help in what I should tell from you. Give me your questions. In the past few years I have had two EA's (lunch alone with male co-workers) and one PA (with a co-worker, i do not work with anymore). H is not concerned with the EA but I think I need to give him the pattern of behavior so it all makes sense. I also flirted a lot before we were married and I think I need to come clean on all of that so H feels like H knows everything. H knows I was a flirt but know because I had an affair H is putting a lot more into that flirting and thinks that it is a pattern that I have no hope of breaking.

Third, I have a hard time dropping the "justifications" for the affair. When H asked "why I had an affair" the first time in a conversation, I will say because I had inappropriate boundaries and looked to other men to met my ENs. He says that just sound like psychological non-sense. Then I get into real details about what was on my mind at the time and H says I am blaming him. In the end, the only acceptable answer is that I wanted to f* another man and would not stop until I had. And now that I did that I am coming back to H and expecting H to accept me back with open arms.

Finally, I would like to close out the physical abuse topic. H still get's angry but is able to stop himself before getting physical. I called the police early in one fight and an officer came. I told the officer there was no physical actions that night but I was afraid so I called. The officer said I could call any time and that if there were physical actions the dominant party would go to jail. Before the officer arrived, H had been very mad that I called and prepared to be taken away. While we sat there H said I was destroying his life by getting him arrested. I said he could not be physical against me. I am cautiously optimistic that H can control himself. I know Dr. Harley generally advises that we separate for a year but I am not doing that. I am hoping I can get help with continuing to recover from my affair in light of H's improved pattern. Now when H gets angry I leave, sometimes because he demands I leave and other times because I need to step away. Tonight he told me to leave so I am here.

I am bracing myself for responses. Thank you in advance.

IHH,

A simple format many people use is to write out a timeline of who, what, where, when, why and how. Perhaps a section in a notebook for each affair. The first section can be what went on while you two were dating.

Ask your BH to write additional questions down in each section, "did you use condoms" etc.

Just tell the truth to whatever level of detail he needs, holding back will be seen as additional dishonesty.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, Thank you.

I am typing away; I hate hand writing. Maybe I will do it in multiple files. I was imagining e-mailing it. Should I print it?

I am starting with the last A. I am starting with when we met and trying to figure out when it became A. Trying to give details on some encounters and a general idea of how many encounters. It was only a year ago but the memories are pretty fuzzy.

Luckily, I captured your first post to this thread before you went back and deleted it.

How does your H treat you now? Has his violent behaviour stopped altogether?

Can you explain what this improved pattern is and when it began? Because from this post, your husband is still an abuser and has not changed. In order to change, one must change.

What has your husband done to manage and change his anger problem since he kicked you out tonight?

And I don't choose to help you write your story because I view that as a distraction from the real problem: you live with an abusive wife beater who has no control over his anger.

SugarCane,

I removed the previous posts because my husband was bothered by my posting. And yet I am back again. I am being disrespectful to H but I need help.

His violent behavior stopped the night the police officer came, about a month ago. I can see him holding himself back. Usually I leave at that point to not tempt fate and call him on the phone to talk. Tonight I needed someone else to talk to.

MelodyLane,

I would expect nothing else from you. H definitely still gets angry. Not making it physical means a lot to me. H was never physically abusive before the affair. I feel like I need to help him heal so he can get back to were he was. Then we can use MB to get where we want to be.

H would say he lives with a woman who betrayed her family, chose a fling with a co-worker over her husband and children. What value can such a person provide him?

I am going through exactly the same thing.he keeps getting bouts.it keeps coming back to him .he wants to know more.which I feel is not needed as it would cause further hurt.and would not help and would be another topic for taunts.as is he knows a lot .he can't follow that there is an emotional need also. He thinks I went for the physical thing ,though my H n me have brilliant time in bed.if I say emotional need he says..you loved and cared for another guy..not tolerable. And he keeps imagining that I would be going it since we got married all the time. Basically there is mistrust and insecurity. If I get nicely dressed and go shopping he feels I might be meeting someone. He imagines that previously also I used to out pretending to be shopping ..so now also. Please help me repair the situation .leaving is not an option.

He called just now to say goodnight. The anger is gone. I need to keep writing my story. I think he really needs it.

Oh really? You removed posts because your husband didn't like what you had to say? Is that the case?

Call a local emergency line... mean that. Like now and come back here.

He needs what?

I am not doing you justice on this device. More will be along as I am worried here. Is your husband reading what you post?

As any professional would tell you, abusers only get worse without help. Your husband has not changed because he has not got any help. Just because he hasn't beat you recently - only engaged in verbal and emotional abuse - doesn't mean he won't abuse you in the future. Your affair is long over and he continues to abuse you.

You are not safe in giving him anything having to do with the affair until he has successfully gone through an anger management course and been anger free for at least a year. So no, I will not help you write a "story" that will likely lead to more abuse. It is more than a distraction, it is DANGEROUS.

Your husband is a dangerous man and you are playing with fire. You might be able to pretend it is otherwise, but others here will not play pretend with you. I have too much decency to play that game with you.

What are your credentials in anger management training? What is your track record and what is your degree?

Is there a reason why you are doing this now? Your affair has been over for months, so talking about the affair now will only keep him triggered. Do you think it is wise to trigger a wife beater? This would not even be advised in a marriage with a spouse who was an abuser. Harley recommends never bringing the affair up again once all the facts are known.

If there is actually information you have withheld from him, I would write it out but plan to separate from him. Giving him more information about the affair is going to infuriate him and you need to stay far, far away.

Do you have a means of self defense? A gun? A baseball bat?

Surfer88,

I showed MB to H when I found it. I told him about my post in March. I will tell him I am posting again. Otherwise I am not being O&H.

I was saying he needs the story of my affairs written out.

Melody,

I was going to try to come on as a different user but it is hard to work through stuff without being O&H with you guys.

I want us to counsel with Steve. I think I will tell my husband that I have to. I need help healing him.

I logged back in to just reply to ML responses...back in the morning. Listen hard. And, get your butt right back here asap. Got that? Read over and over, and respond. Will be back in the morning. Read...

Why is he upset with what you post here?

Surfer88, He does not like me sharing our personal experiences with others.

I wish I could read faster. I have HNHN,LB,SAA and am only half way through HNHN.

I do not think I have left out any facts about the affair. H is always asking about how I felt. H asks often. I have tried to say that it will help nothing to continue talking about the affair.

H says I need to face how I felt during the affair so that I can understand how H feels. "Was I happy when I woke up next to the man?" If yes, then I should understand how H cannot get over the fact that I chose another man over him. I understand that I was out of control obsessed during the affair. H says that then he can never believe that I am "all his" ever again so H has lost the most important thing in our relationship (not sure what EN that is).