I guess I think there is opportunity wherever you are...gym, grocery store, doctor's office etc. You can't keep your spouse in a bubble. The next job may have greater opportunity with mabye daily contact..how would you know. I agree that he doesn't get the boudries as far as talking to other women about our relationship/any relationship..that it is TROUBLE! I do not think the OW has standards and told her she had responsiblity in this as well. I was hoping a MC would be able to help us communicate better and move on from some of the crap IDK. I have read other post where men say there really didn't care about the other person..just looking for needs met. Is it possible he could be DONE with it. It was just a fantasy and now he is in reality. I don't want to be naive in this situation but I just want to get to a place where we can move forward and I can stop obsessing. Part of me thinks..wow if you are truely over this girl and she really didn't care anything about you just fun and fantasy..so much distruction for what really meant nothing.

Extraordinary precautions for LIFE will help prevent another affair. But staying away from the temptation is paramount.

Personally, we wrote down the EPs and my H and I go over them periodically. He agreed to each one and I monitor what he does. I've had to educate him as to how to speak to a female in a totally professional manner, nice but not too friendly, arms-length. That took some time, but he's finally there. However, I still monitor to be sure. And he knows it, and he's okay with it.

A MC will be a complete waste of time, unless totally on board with MB. You can learn all you both need to know about communicating with each other from MB. Better yet, you can learn how to build a romantic, passionate marriage for life with MB.

MB Online Seminar is the best counseling program out there. And we've read many books and seen several counselors over the years.

And, yes, you're right about the total destruction for nothing but a horrible fantasy. Affairs are not logical. They are completely based on emotion, which we all know can't be trusted to keep us straight.

Long Way from Home..Sorry I am new and trying to figure out the MB code. Does LIFE represent something more and what about EP? I appreciate what you are saying about educating him on how to talk to other women..I really think he is clueless on the impact it can cause. You say you monitor him..what do you mean and how long since his affair? I do feel completely stupid in when I think back on how he would leave the room when on the phone when I would walk in and it didn't register. He is such a bad liar and not very savvy at cover up so I really had my head in the sand. Thanks for the support..I have been feeling very alone in this and I can see there are so many out there.

I was very naive at first, as well. Since I was faithful and honest, I believed that H was, too.

"LIFE" doesn't mean anything more; I just capitalized the word to emphasize that the EPs are for forever and for both spouses, and, if followed from the beginning, adultery would be difficult to carry out.

I check his email and have done so since about 10 days after D-Day. "Trust, but verify" is the motto around MB.

EP - Extraordinary Precautions: measures a person takes to avoid adultery.

Here's an example:

1.) No contact ever again with Affair Partner
2.) Total Transparency:
a. Email passwords shared
b. Accounting for all time and money
c. Eliminate all social networking sites, except for shared FB account
3.) No communicating with a female in any other way than the necessary professional manner needed for work
4.) No intimate conversations with a female (no conversations about anything personal, such as likes, dislikes, marriage, music, etc)
5.) No flirting, no inappropriate conversations or jesting.
6.) No terms of endearment of any kind, except for those in our immediate family.
7.) No business mentoring with a woman.
8.) Women must be at least an arm's length away.
9.) No porn, no �adult� clubs or shops, no chat rooms
10.) No nights apart.
11.) No recreational activities with the opposite sex.
12.) No interactive online games.
13.) Trade phones when desired.

Those are ours, tailored for us, and non-negotiable.

It took H a while to catch on, but he now understands what it's going to take. He doesn't consider it "work" anymore, and it comes more easily as time passes and he gains experiencte with an arm's length way of communicating with females.

Take a look at the Notable Posts forum for a lot of really good information. Also, read through MB basic concepts.

FYI you will have a better chance at getting the 'truth' from your cat than from OW. She has absolutely NO REASON to tell you the truth, she has every reason to cover her a$$.

If this was your main source of intel about how this relationship went down, you might want to follow it up with a poly to make sure you know what you are dealing with here. I would bet money this was far more entrenched than these waywards are letting on.

PS I have an XSIL who cheated on my BIL with a man 22 yrs her senior, and has now been married to this OM for a decade. Don't dismiss this as a crush on a younger woman.

The reason I believe the friendship on her part is I recorded a conversation of theirs (his side only), and I could tell from the conversation that though she may care for him it was not in a romantic way. I'm sure it could have developed but she had been dumped a few days b4 DD so no telling. I just wanted to see if what she said matched what he said..which it pretty much did. I still am not getting a sense of how long it takes before you can believe that the relationship is over for him. How long do you keep snooping w/out them knowing to see if they slip up? My mind is racing w/ thoughts 24/7 about this.I had read something about referencing relapse after weeks of no contact but couldn't find it..anyone know where this is. Talked to him this evening about MB in general..he is willing .

Are you going to expose?

Have you been into your doctor for some ADs? They will help with the racing thoughts.

Don't know if I will expose..I am having a hard time with that idea. I think I will start exercisinig..really not wanting to start AD meds. Please advise what my course of action should be. I am confused on the investigation part..when does this end? I see a note to not let spouse know of website but then how do you go through the program? I assume read surving the affair first then other books? Is the online program required? Status is he keeps telling me he has absolutely no feelings towards this girl. I have seen no attempts at contact him via his phone. I plan to install a keylogger. How long do I keep checking up on him before we start to move forward? Do you continue to secretly monitor activities always or let him know its there?

Bewildered,

The MB affair survival program requires exposure. This is not negotiable and it is stated over and over that it will not work without this critical element (which I can surmise as "destroying the fantasy and subsequent accountability".

You will not be able to fix this without heading into uncomfortable territory. You've already tried that - and here you are again. It is important to understand that someone whose marriage suffers repeat affairs is not the one who best knows how to fix it. That is those who have proven over and over again that they do know (the Harleys) and those who have used those techniques to save theirs (MelodyLane).

What he tells you right now about this other woman DOES NOT MATTER. Why? Because he has already lied to you before about this. Stop believing him until you have reason to. That is far in your future.

Surviving an Affair is the first book to read. You do not need to do the online program but you would benefit immensely. Use this forum in the meantime if you cannot afford otherwise.

START HERE:
"For Newly Betrayed Spouses..."
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

Please expose. It's not punishment. Rather it provides accountability for your husband and much-needed support for you.

Why wouldn't you expose? Are you embarrassed?

Do you know that about 60% of all marriages suffer the pain the adultery? There are more people out there than you know. People suffer in silence, but they should not. Your H's adultery is not your fault. Expose!

Slip on a key-logger without his knowledge. This is for your protection. He should give you his passwords and you should be checking him out.

Snooping actually DOES build trust. He says he has no feelings for this girl? Great, then monitoring his communications will prove that he is trustworthy.

Dr. Harley says to snoop until you are bored with it. Harley encourages snooping and transparency. If we all lived our lives as though we were an open book, we would all live much more carefully, wouldn't we? We'd think about what and who we are emailing and talking too, where we are going in our internet browsing.

Exercise is a great idea, but I still recommend ADs for a while. They will really help and won't, or shouldn't, make you feel strange.

You would keep this website your own private area until you are absolutely sure that No Contact is established and that your H is completely on board with MB. Otherwise, he will see the plan and be able to ward off your efforts by spinning his own plan.

Yes.. I am embarrassed. I really don't want my kids to know either..is it wrong for me to not want them to see their father in that light. I didn't want to know those things about my dad. When I first confronted him I asked him not to tell anyone. I don't want people asking me about our relationship. Is who you expose to mainly people of influence to WS? Is this something you discuss first and give WS opportunity to expose themselves such as his parents? Is the surviving the affair book something we both read? Will install keylogger and keep monitoring for now and buy book.

I just read the newly betrayed..he indicates that exposure is to stop the affair. It has been over two weeks of NC so at this point why would it be necessary. As I mentioned if I did find something out I would ..but I am not seeing the purpose at this point.

D-Day was just two weeks ago.

If you are like most betrayed spouses, you've had a tough go of it lately...emotional, not eating well, not sleeping, anxious, depressed. This is all normal for this horrible situation you find yourself in.

You can be sure that your children are very aware that something is going on.

Please read this link ---> When Should an Affair be Exposed and let us know your thoughts on this.

The purpose of exposure is to have others in your life who will hold your H accountable. It's to expose light on the fantasy world. It is not to embarrass anyone, although exposure is often very embarrassing to the perpetrators.

Also, you NEED some real life support.

Marriage Builders is not a cafeteria-style plan where one picks and chooses what will work best, according to their opinion.

Two weeks is NOTHING in the world of adultery. People need to know what he's done. Your children need to know what's going on in their own home. Of course they're going to see him differently than they did before. But this should not stop you from telling them.

Because exposure exposes the affair to the light of day.
This is explained in Surviving an Affair.

Recovery cannot begin until the affair is exposed, wayward spouse commit to NC adds mails a letter.

You can't start recovery until its exposed. Otherwise it will continue

Click the carrot/stick Plan A link in my sig line. Start reading from the first post and keep going.

I am 2 years since d-day (July, 2010).

Our kids knew what was going on, even before exposure.

Exposure kills affairs, and is NECESSARY to recover your marriage.

I am married 26 years also. I have been in a unhealthy marriage also. H ve asked my husband to go t counseling over years he refused. So i guess i just was going thru motions. I have two girls 23 and 18. I found him texting old girlfriend before he met me for two months. He had 2000 texts between them in 7 weeks. He keeps telling me just friends. We have been going to counseling now for three weeks. He sticks to story. I am going out of my mind. I feel if I was more financialy secure I would. I hate feeling like I'm an idiot.

crazygirl, why don't you follow the advice we gave you on your thread?

ABSOLUTELY!

Before I knew about exposure I'd tried all kinds of things to save my marriage - didn't work. After I exposed it was DAYS and the affair was dead. Not too long after that, FWH started talking reconciliation.

I know it doesn't always work that fast, but it did in my case.

I was scared and skeptical like most are, but I "felt the fear and did it anyway" and am glad I did.

PS: Hope things are well with you HfD!

I have asked for the moderator to combine all my post...sorry for the confusion.

Update...

Had polygraph today and it revealed more:

Recent EA was also a PA (sex twice)- lied about where he was
Shared kiss...also had sex
another once night stand in addition to one revealed last week.

No protection..ever...will schedule std test

confronted AP..she denied..of course..told her about poly..denied more..her boyfriend was there..he said they were broken up at time and didn't care. Could believe what complete trash she was.

He changed phone number and shut down facebook today.

Sent expose FB message to brother in-law (late husband). Will send letter Monday to mother in-law. That is all i know. Will make husband do NC letter. Told him to tell his parents the whole truth.

I am falling apart at the seams, lost so much weight I look scary, just don't know what to do next.

My resolve to want to fix the marriage is fading fast along with my sanity.