Well I don't think we would get married in a months time but certainly I want to be in a position that we either both want to make this work or we go our separate ways. I still have a lingering thought in the back of my mind that she's only keeping me around to help pay the bills and rent until the lease expires and then she can move out and be rid of me forever.

I would like to think that's not the case but it's always a possibility.

So I'm trying as hard as i can to not deplete her love bank anymore and make deposits by giving her space, not having angry outbursts, agreeing and meeting her needs and doing something about her complaints about me no matter how petty they are but it just doesn't seem to be working.
How do you make deposits into someone's love bank when the account seems to be closed?

The problem is the two of you never had high enough love banks to committ to marriage.

So now she is in a stressful, marriage-level relationship where the daily small details lovebust her and she's never had the lovebank to cope with that. Or the commitment.

The only way to change that is to remove the source of the stress - living together. And only move back in together when your lovebanks are high enough, and your POJA skills practiced enough so you can both negotiate the stresses of living together easily.

This won't work. You could put a coin in by cuddling or being affectionate but then ten would be taken out by all the stuff that happens throughout the day that you can't agree on.

The two of you are don't even agree on what type of relationship you have!!!! You can't live together peacefully, without lovebusting under those circumstances.



If 'make this work' means living together without marriage, then you're on the wrong site. MB does not advise that. If the two of you are that unsure about each other, you shouldn't be trying to rent needs off other short term.

Well we just went away for 3 days and had a good time. She was all over me kissing and cuddling me and it was very romantic. This morning I said happy anniversary to her (it's our 2nd Ann) and she started crying saying she didn't want us to be like this after two years and gets really angry at me sometimes that I let it get to this.
But then we cuddled and ended up making love for the first time in four weeks.

We have to move out of our house in November when the lease expires and she finally said to me she doesn't think we should live together anymore but just keep seeing each other.

It's like she read MB. Lol

Another thing she did was whilst she was all over me when we were away, the minute we got home she changed her attitude. Started being nasty to me, told me to back off and give her some space and didn't want to be touched or kissed

What's that all about???

Low lovebank makes (women esp) us unhappy. Lovebusting behaviour like SDs and AOs and Djs becomes a renters habit after a while when people live together.

I would buy buyers renters and freeloaders and learn how to take this relationship from dating to marriage. And stick around.

Would your GF be interested in the books or site?

Stop trying to figure her out. Women do not run on a logical and predictable based system. It would do you some good to also read Love busters.

No she wouldn't be interested in coming on this site unfortunately.
It's a pity you can't buy the books as a PDF or on the iTunes book store to read on my IPhone.
If I brought it I wouldn't want her to see me reading it.

Why not?? BRF is all about developing skills for a happy lifetime relationship. Why wouldn't you want her to see you reading that? It should make her happy to know that you care about your relationship. If she's not happy about that, then think about what that means....

Also, since you are not married she should have more tolerance for your own freedom to explore philosphies she does not necessarily agree with.

You're going to find it difficult to live a life with secretly held principles.

One of the key skills involved in POJA is the willingness to listen or explore something important to your partner that you may not necessarily sign up to yourself. A buyer, as opposed to a renter says: 'That's important to you. I may not come to feel the same way myself, but I will give it a hearing and a trial period'.

Renters will try to press their own opinion with force instead.

Having the same values is a key component in a relationship.

You should read B,R and FL so that you know how to spot a buyer and you should read Dr Harley's articles on finding someone to marry. He says there are five tests to concluding someone is a good match. You should both have the same social level (introverts/extroverts) have similar energy levels, have the same moral values, the same cultural beliefs and practices, and the first test most dates have to pass which is intelligence. Since you can both talk for hours, I'd say your GF passes the intelligence test. But a marriage candidate should pass all five and be willing to be a buyer after marriage.

It could well be she is more interested in policies towards having a great relationship than you would think. It's a DJ to assume she is close minded to all the ideas out there. I would guess if she has been married before she may have been exposed to the horrors of ineffectual generalised marriage counselling. She might be against 'self help' in general for very good reasons!

I suppose that was a silly comment to say I wouldnt want her to see me reading it because she probably would think it was good that I am trying to improve.
I've told her that I've been reading a few websites and she was glad that I was.

One of the main hurdles we have in this relationship and one I've been reluctant to mention in here (probably because I know what your going to say) is regarding my children. I have four kids two elder girls and two younger boys. The boys used to come over every fortnight My partner does not like them says they are unsociable and brats and does not want them coming to our house.
When we first moved in together she said she accepted that I saw my kids every second weekend. But then she started complaining saying she didn't like them. Now let me just say that they are not that bad. She only had girls so isn't used to the typical behaviour of boys where they want to wrestle and play rough sometimes. They are never rude to her and she complains that they don't talk to her. But that's because they know she hates them. The one time they came over and she told them she didn't hate them and tried to make an effort to be nice to them, they all got along really good.
I've said to her if you love me you would accept that I want to see my boys even just once a month but she refuses to budge is very stubborn about it and that's the reason she doesn't want us living together anymore.
Her daughter stays at our house 2-3 nights a week and while she's generally well behaved she isn't an angel and has her moments but I accept her and do a lot for her.
I know most people would say that any woman who makes me choose between her and my children and hit the road and I hada guy at work tell me exactly that but I love her too much to lose her.
Late last night my eldest daughter phoned when we were in bed having a go at me for not seeing the boys anymore, being very rude etc until I hung up on her. My partner said. "This is why I don't want to stay with you anymore because of your f@&$king family and $hit like this.
I just wish she would accept them and let them come over every now and again. She says I should go see them but they don't need to stay over and can be dropped back home that night.

So you're okay with this women belittling your children? Your kids are seeing you pick her over family. This is what you're role modeling for your sons on how to be a father. I don't understand the won't let you have your sons over. Please. And then you hung up on your daughter for telling you the truth. And then you let her bad mouth your kids?! That's not having a back bone. I would have told her to never speak about my children that way and that she was right that you two don't need to be living together.

I love my wife but when we were dating, if she made stipulations on my daughters coming over not even once a month, we wouldn't be dating.

She's a bad girlfriend and she treats your children like crap.

Kenny, you're going to end up without her in the end anyways - the question is, do you want to still have a relationship with your children when it's over? I cannot imagine being "in love" with a person who could speak such things about my son.

I don't understand how you can be "in love" with someone like this. I would suggest you are confusing love with the desperate need to not be alone.

When you hide the truth from others, you are really hiding the truth from yourself.

The relationship isn't long term logical. Its just feelings. And feelings are short term.

I think I understand now why you aren't married.



You can fall in love with any woman who meets your ENs and vice versa. Why not do that with someone more logical? Yes you will go through some withdrawal pain, but man up and do it.



If your long term plan is to sit around and wish, twist her arm and ask her to be someone she's not because who she is isn't cutting it - then that is highly unlikely to work.

I know... Your all dead right with what your saying. She is very nasty to my kids saying they're brats and that she hates them.

When I split up with my first partner (together 13 years, never married but had four kids together.) I had to go and live at my mums house. It was the loneliest I have ever been in my life. I had no friends as we had just moved back to our home state after living interstate for 18 years. I was obese weighing 120 kgs and would just sit in my room all weekend depressed and sad. I wanted to have the kids as much as possible but mums place is small and her being old it didn't work out too well and we had a lot of arguments over it.

It was the worst time of my life and when I finally came out of it and met my current partner I vowed never to go backto that again.
I fear that if we split I will have to live at my mums house again for a few months at least and be bored and lonely. I now weigh 89 kgs and must admit I look good for my age. I'm a good looking guy according to my partner and sister, female friends etc. so could find someone else but it kills me think she could be with someone else.

Kenny, stop it. Stop being all paralyzed by what ifs and how it was in the past and might be in the future. So what if you have to live with your mom for a couple months to get back on your feet. You choose whether you feel sorry and sit around getting obese again.

I'll tell you this much, you NEED to call your kids today and tell them you're sorry and want them to come over. Stop letting this woman have so much power over you...that is not attractive at all.

If she wants to' be a part of your life, that includes your children. I feel sorry for them. Now go do the right thing and be a good father.

Kenny how you handle withdrawal is up to you. Be proactive about creating a fun life while you get over her.

Make plans.

You will get through withdrawal and your feelings will change. You will get happier.

I closed the door on my first love who I had been with for 15 years. He wanted to stick around but it wasn't logical to stay with someone who wouldnt do a full recovery or behave in a repentant way following an affair. Now I feel great and I don't miss him at all.

I second Alis's opinion:

Might as well face that sooner than later. Delaying will only make it harder. Not that I don't sympathize with your plight, just trying to prepare you for the inevitable.

The problem is I still love her deeply despite how nasty she can be because when she's not being nasty she's very kind and loving to me.
My other problem is I have no friends and last time I moved to my mums when splitting with my childrens mother I was bored [censored] and hated life for almost two years.
She doesn't want to split up just wants time to think about what she wants and said that maybe after a couple of months she might decide she wants us living together again.

A work mate said it might be a blessing in disguise and I suppose that if we are ever going to get married we will stop being renters. It's just really hard. This morning when I left for work she cuddled and kissed me in bed for ages and I will miss not doing that every morning.

Have you seen this?
Conflict Avoidance is the kiss of death

Just read that post and have to admit that's exactly what I would do. I didn't want to start a fight so would avoid bringing up her attitude about my kids. Instead I just wouldnt see them as much. And everytime I did we would have a huge fight and she wouldnt speak to me or them all weekend they were there.

So many times when we had a fight I would think that I wish I could just get out of this relationship. But the thought of her with someone else just kills me. I just always think that we can fix things, I can make her understand that I need to see me kids and except them like I do hers. Her daughter stays with us 3 nights a week and quite often I pick her up from school if it's raining and my partner is at work and I've finished early. I do a lot for her daughter, and her daughter is very fond of me. I just wish she was the same to my kids.