Here's an example...he takes notice when I dress up or buy a new outfit, but it's more like a "Hey you look very nice". Something with the same kind of attitude that you would have complimenting another person in a casual way. Or you look beautiful, but with a different kind of interest.

The look that he gave this lady, and I don't think he was even aware of his expression, was like "Wow, I am just awestruck with your beauty." "I can't get over how pretty your smile is". Although he doesn't say this, but that's the expression of interest he has on his face. It's not the kind of gawking with definite lustful intents, drooling, etc.

I will be honest. I have done much study from this website. I haven't brought to him this site yet, but I've tried to implement its techniques within our marriage. He agrees with me on some of the suggestions that I've given to him based on this site, but I haven't actually put it to him as "DH there is this program that I want you to look over in detail." I'm thinking that it's time for me to pull this website up for him and ask him to do as much studying on this material as I have done.

We've got all of the tools that we need to make our marriage sucessful, it's just a matter of implementing them and that's where most of it will fall on his shoulders as I feel that I've done all the implementing that I can do by myself up to this point. I guess the million dollar question is, will he put 100% into it or not.

So his quote that no man could live up to my standards is not possible? I don't really have an extremely romanticized view of love?

His reasoning for supporting my decision is he says that he's tired of hurting me and me being so unhappy with him. So you think that he is all for letting go of us and just doesn't want to be the fall guy?

I say RAISE your standards!
Why allow someone to treat you poorly?
He's full of crap, in case you did not know.

Your husband cannot because he doesn't try. He doesn't care.

I think (based on what you've written on this thread alone) that he is willing to keep you as his slipper-wife if you accept his carelessness/crude behavior as "normal".

To hell with that.

If he were tired of hurting you and making you unhappy, he would stop hurting you and stop making you unhappy. But he doesn't care.

He does not care.

Thanks for your support in answering outright those questions about romanticized love and such. I really was wondering if it were just my emotions getting the better of me.

I just want to through out there that I am a divorcee already once over. It lasted 2 years and infidelity was the source of the breakup there also. I know that left scars for me. I don't take divorce lightly, especially now that I'm older so this has been havoc wreaking even considering it as a possibility if nothing else works. I will also attest that I am very guarded when I hear someone mentioning the possibility of divorce as it really is a last resort for me. I know that your not advocating divorce as "honey just get rid of the jerk already" only as an option if things don't radically change. But I do want you all to know how I see divorce.

Do you think it would be wise to also show him this thread once I show him the website and ask him to look over the material in depth?

Mr Pep had an A. During that time, he was an un-treated alcoholic.

Here is how I look at your situation.
Your H had an A. Your H had/has a habit of ogling women. In front of you. Which means he does it even more (worse) when you are not around.

If my H started drinking again, even a little, I would file for divorce. Why? Because, in his case, drinking leads to poor choices, which would eventually make another A possible. Count me out. My H knows this. It is a fact. Therefore, Mr Pep goes to AA and guards his sobriety as if his marriage depends on it. Because, it does.

In your situation, ogling women led to your H's choice to have affair(s). Somehow your H has gotten the idea that ogling is still OK, even thought it makes you unhappy and is a risky behavior dripping with affair opportunity. After ogling comes flirting. Right? Of course right. After flirting comes inappropriate contact. Right? Of course right. Does your H know for a fact that his ogling WILL cause you to leave him? No, he does not.

NO !

Let me repeat myself (indulge me)


Do you think you can educate your H and he will change once properly enlightened?

Edit to add:
Have you ever experienced you H changing *against his will* because you properly educated him?

Can you explain further why you think no please?

So how do I get across to him how serious I am about ogling. Just leave the next time he does it since he already knows how hurtful it is? I'm confused as to what the next step would be to this measure at this point.

I already suggested you do this:


Do not become derailed from your message when he critiques your "romanticism". Repeat your message: "I'll hear your workable plan to meet my needs. Let me know when you've got one."

Meanwhile, get yourself educated about what a divorce would look like.

Some people only change when they hit *rock bottom*. Some still do not change.
I do not know your husband. You do.

Change yourself by deciding what exactly your boundary is. And, that means KNOWING what you will do (not require him to do) once the boundary is crossed.

What shape is your love bank in?

PN, have you watched this video recently?


[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.

Thanks for the link to the video. I haven't researced the videos yet, just the reading material.

To answer your question about my love bank...at this time it's running on fumes. The best way to describe it is letting your gas tank get to the point that you don't know if your going to make it to the gas station and only pumping a few dollars worth to sustain for a few days at a time.

He gets the idea of my romanticized view of love because I believe it's possible for a couple to be "in love" instead of just loving each other after 18 years and being buddies. He is a great father and provider, but we are suffering personally with each other. He seems to think that his lack of desire/libido toward me has to do with other things such as age, his health, stress. He says it has alot to do with the stress that I put on him with these issues. It's still there, but it's at his convenience (as in when the need arises for him). He's proved that to me with the way he glances at women but not me.

I've suggested he practice by averting his gaze when he realizes it and if he's in a situation like at lunch, then he could move to another seat to quelch the temptation. He could even use me as a diversion. I've suggested that he find an accountibility partner as also suggested by our pastor. He hasn't taken any of these measures seriously to date. It's almost as if the moment he got confessed about the A, his desire went downhill and has never recovered also yet he swears that he is still attracted to me.

In the meantime until we come to a solution, should I confront him openly if it happens again in public or show him enough respect to keep it to myself until I can bring it up in private?

Some radio clips about gawking at women.
Radio clip about gawking #1
Radio clip on gawking #2
Radio clip #3

Do you understand that a Plan B separation is NOT a divorce but an emergency effort to pull in line a dangerous spouse?

A Plan B separation makes it clear you are as serious as death about having a romantic, fulfilling marriage. Insists upon it.

He will not have access to you until he commits to certain actions.

And your lovebank will be protected from his lovebusting. I bet he made huge withdrawals when he ogled the women and then gave you the whole 'I'm a lone wolf, honey, just wired to be cruel but I kinda like my old slippers' speech.

If you carry on letting him lovebust you daily you will hate him very soon and then no one will care about the marriage!

Take Pep's excellent advice to warn him about the impending separation and give him a chance to turn it around first.

But I strongly suspect he will need to hit rock bottom without you in Plan B in order to change.

If he is capable of change at all.

Do you have snooping tools installed?

A married man who feels it is OK to enjoy a strangers physical beauty would have no qualms about online flirting with old girlfriends/coworkers etc