Optimism,



A lot of the steps I'm taking are outlined in this thread, but I'll re-list them here:
-I don't go out in public without my wife present.
-When I am out in public, I am using a technique we call "targeting" in which I look upward and focus at inanimate objects so I'm not tempted to look at passers-by.
-If I absolutely need to go out, with my wife's JA, I use the targeting technique.
-I don't watch TV alone or go online without my wife present.
-Our home internet has a filter.
-My phone has filtering installed.
-I am being 100% open and honest about everywhere I go and everything I do (took me waaaaaaaay tooooooo long for me to get 100% honest with my wife so building trust is going to take some time.)
-I am trying to get a key logger installed on my work system, but that is proving to be difficult (see thread)... but I will figure that out shortly.



I've read HNHN, LB, and Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. I've filled out several questionnaires. I've listened to probably 100 hours of MB radio and have read about 1/2 of Harley's online articles. My wife and I have been trying to live the principles for about a year now, but neither of us has done a very good job... me because my head was in the fog and her because she has been in mourning of the death of the marriage she had hoped for. We are going to do the online program because she wasn't willing to fully do the program without a mediator and I wasn't in JA with spending $1000 on something that was offered for free (through books and free online resources). But my W is going to borrow the $ from a relative and since I want my marriage to succeed, we now have JA.

I agree. Because ML was DJ'ing me, I felt no remorse in DJ'ing her. I don't communicate with my wife like that.... anymore, that is... since reading LB and learning the program.


Right. I've listened to that several times and I understand. My wife is triggered just by me even looking around... what I call scanning... even if there are no women to look at... because of my history with porn and objectifying women... and I totally understand that it's a LB and that it kills love units... so I am not doing it anymore. I am now "targeting" so that I'm not tempted to even scan.



I do that with my wife. However, as I mentioned above it's been worse for me. Let me explain. Let's say I'm in the car talking to my wife and I'm driving. If there's a jogger on the side of the road, my un-regulated, natural response would be to just glance over - not necessarily to see if the jogger is a beautiful female or not, but just normal response to external surroundings... I believe we all do it (test yourself) and there's nothing unnatural about that. However, what I've been doing for most of my marriage is that if that jogger turned out to be a woman, I would - in a matter of milliseconds - size her up... is she "interesting" or not... then if she were, I'd look a little longer and "drink her in"... comparing her... wishing my wife looked like that. Coveting. Contrasting. Fantasizing.

So you see how...even if it's not a woman jogger...even if it's an ugly old man... the very act of me glancing over to see who and what it is can be a LB for my wife. And I totally accept that! So we have wiped out a lot of the obvious problem places, but the problem isn't just where we go, it's my habit of seeking gratification from someone other than my W.

So I appreciate your suggestion to "try to focus on my wife", but that's not nearly enough for me to "try" - I have to constantly either focus on my wife or some other safe object... for my polluted Asperger�s brain, I can't just tell myself to "try to focus on my wife" or to "just not look." That just didn't work.... in fact it got me slapped.



That's a good idea. Thanks - keep the good ideas coming.

How are you doing on getting in undivided attention time and meeting her emotional needs of affection and conversation? How would you rate yourself?

I've got to say that I did the exact same thing about angry outbursts. As long as I defended the fact that you couldn't become perfect, that there was always a chance it might happen again, etc., it was a sure thing that I was going to have another angry outburst.

What really helps me stay serious and not defend relapses is the understanding that a relapse is so terribly devastating to my wife that if it happens, she deserves a separation for her own protection. I would say the same is true for porn use and gawking. As long as you don't understand what it costs HER for you to engage in this behavior, you'll find ways to feel okay about spending that cost. After all, it doesn't cost you nearly so much; it's just a mistake, just a bump on the road to eventual perfection that will never arrive.

Just want add something else on the gawking. Have you ever considered the impact that gawking has had on your victims? You might be surprised the lengths that some woman go thru so they are not gawked at, only to have it continue anyways. Have you considered that all the gawking, in addition to making you wife unhappy, makes your victims unhappy and embarrassed as well?

Our UA stinks (IMO). Because my wife is in such pain over my past behavior, our UA is spent hashing over the past... which for my wife isn't really in the past since I've only gone 3 weeks without doing a double-take. So for her it's like going out with a man who is seeing the other woman everywhere she goes... even if I'm keeping my eyes where they should be. It's a big problem. I know it'll take time to earn her trust, but it sure is making our time together not very much fun for either of us.

The fact I am talking and being 100% honest is helping in the conversation department. I think she's getting the conversation that she wants, but I am still working on being good at being affectionate. I'd rate myself a 7/10 (C- ), but I've improved 1000% over the last year.

Here's more info on our MB progress from a previous post:

Oh boy, would you give her a message for me?

Mrs 1hopefulguy, please stop talking about his gawking at women. Leave the past in the past. Your H really is trying to stop this and bringing it up endlessly just makes your time together unpleasant. Focus on being as pleasant as possible when you are together.

And Mr 1hopeful, I would put ALL of your focus on being as charming, pleasant and romantic as possible when you are out together. Try to get the bulk of your UA time AWAY from home [not to a nude beach or a mall! ] so you can get the BEST possible result from your time.

Can you do that?

So glad you are signing up for the MB program!! Great news!

p.s. and if your wife does make a complaint about your behavior, don't make it worse by arguing with her. I can tell you are in the habit of arguing, defending and rationalizing from your posts here. That will have to stop. Being argumentative is one of the absolute worst lovebusters and it conveys a lack of care.

When your wife tells you she doesn't like something she shouldn't have to justify or join the debate society to get you to stop it. You don't have to understand WHY she doesn't like it. Just tell her thank you for telling you and promise to knock it off.

Like Harley says, a complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage, but an irritation in a bad marriage.

When I tell MRs1Hopefulguy not to bring it up, I EXCLUDE current behavior of course.

I'll relay your message. But here's the deal:

From my wife's perspective, my wayward behavior isn't really in the past since I've only gone 3 weeks without doing a double-take. For her it's like going out on a date with a man when "the other woman" is everywhere we go... even if I'm keeping my eyes where they should be. It's a big problem.

What makes it even worse is that after all the trickle truth I've been doing over the last year, she doesn't trust that my mind is really in game. She knows that I still have a desire to "scan". Even if I'm not scanning (I'm putting actions first, like you taught me)... when she thinks about me even having the desire, it makes her sick. She feels like she's investing in a losing battle.

My counselor told me that the desire to scan will subside in a few months. I have already noticed it lessen over the last couple of months as I'm learning tricks to keep from scanning. But like I said, my wife is sick that she's married to a guy who has to work hard to not look at other women.


Yeah. We had a LONG talk about this last night. I'm going to post the notes I took later. In a nutshell, though, when she complains, I interpret it as her telling me that I'm a defective piece of garbage. So for now on, I'm going to try to not go down that mental path and just think: "She's asking for my help - she's not telling me that I'm worthless." But you're right - I have a bad habit of explaining why I did what I did in order to prove that I wasn't just being a jerk (and in most cases I was being a jerk, but couldn't own it). So yes - I am not going to react to her complaints. And she's working at making her requests "thoughtful."

Tell her I said to STOP IT. Stop bringing it up. You should both avoid unpleasant subjects and be as pleasant as possible. You can help by focusing all of your attention on her when you are out together. Give her your full undivided attention in affection and conversation. When I am out with my husband I feel like I am the ONLY woman in the world. That is how you should make your wife feel.


Perfect. It was very hard for me to get into the habit of taking complaints gracefully so I can understand this. I have grown to view them as a good thing, not a bad thing. I think I felt put down in the past, but it is not that at all. All my H is doing is giving me useful information that will protect his lovebank. That is a good thing, not a bad thing.

Have you guys read the newsletter about complaints in marriage? That was an eye opener for me. Complaining in Marriage

This is a really good one too!

What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant

I just read you're wife's thread.

I don't think you're being very transparent.

I don't believe you have good EP's in place either.

and, I don't sense that you've changed the conditions that allow you to commit adultery with porn & masturbation.

You just committed emotional/visual adultery 3 weeks ago and you're expecting your wife to just accept that it's all part of recovery and she needs to go out and have fun with the person that continues to be the source of her pain....

BTW, I'm a 12 stepper too and I can smell BS miles away.

IMO, MelodyLane has been way to nice to you.... She must think you have a chance or she wouldn't be wasting her time...

FWIW, read Matthew 5:27-30

PapaBear,



What makes you say this?



I agree that I have some work to do. What do you recommend?


I haven't looked at porn or mastrubated in almost 2 years. Why do you say I haven't "changed the conditions" ???



No. I'm not expecting my wife to just accept this behavior. If I don't stop, I expect her to do a plan B.

However, if I'm not doing the bad behaviors and I'm trying to meet her EN's, at some point, I'm going to want to have my EN's met too. I know I've been a crappy husband, but even formerly-crappy husbands are people too.

Start here -----> Link to thread about Just Compensation & EP's

Reading your thread thus far and reading your wife's thread tells me so!

I don't need this puzzle completely built to see what the picture looks like, I only need one or two peices. My experience in spreading my own BS makes it possible to see when others are attempting to spread the same BS.

I'm sorry, but you're NOT unique. You're the typical run of the mill wayward husband.

Are you willing to share the details about what happened 3 weeks ago, on the internet, that your wife is struggling with?

I was at my son's soccer game. I glanced over at a 19-y-old girl wearing tight clothing. It was about a 1 second glance. My wife wasn't there, but I told her about it.

Then, later on that day I was at a gas station filling up the tires with air and a car drove by and I glanced over at the woman driver who was showing significant cleavage. Again - about a 1 second look.

In both of these instances I was allowing my eyes to wander and not focusing on something safe (the incident at the soccer game was during half-time. During the game it was easy to focus on the game, but when there was no activity on the field, I failed to turn my focus to some other "safe" object. I hadn't thought of my "target practice" concept at that time... I was still just trying to "look away"... which obviously wasn't working if the object happened to be extra enticing. When putting air in the tires, I allowed myself to take my focus off what I was doing. Again, this was before I came up with my "target practice" strategy which has kept me from even noticing potentially distracting things).

It's the fact that I had a habit of always being on the hunt for "shiny objects" that makes my wife frustrated - not that I'm necessarily even staring at women, but that I have a propensity to scan. My wife and I think this obsession might be related to my Aspergers:


I haven't looked at porn or masturbated since May of 2011. However, from Jan to about May of 2012, I was going to a dating website and looking at single women's profiles. I wasn't communicating with or contacting anyone, just looking at profiles fantasizing about alternate realities (being with a woman who�s not always angry with me and likes to have fun). I also was going to linkedin and checking out women's professional snapshots. You don't need to scold me for all that - I understand how sick and wayward that is and I haven't done it since I confessed to my wife back in May.

I think it was about that time is when I confessed that I had a habit of looking at other women. As I tried to stop looking at women, I realized that I wasn't able to just "stop it" and that even when there were no women in sight, I was constantly searching for them. I realized that I had a lust addiction that I couldn't kick without help and I decided to go to a 12-step Sexaholics Anonymous program.

About June or July I was at work using Youtube to figure out how to do something on a software package I use to do my job and I saw a �teaser� video off to the side of a woman with the title �shopping tips for back to school� or something like that. I clicked on it rationalizing that it wasn�t porn and not even sexual and that it wouldn�t get flagged by the IT department as inappropriate. That led me to watching quite a few similar videos of young women doing �girly� things like putting on makeup or matching clothes. I was just getting a fix wherever I could get it. I stopped doing that about August, realizing that it was not healthy behavior, but my wife found out about it in October. So it�s still pretty fresh in her mind. When she confronted me about that, I also confessed that I had been looking up singing artists in google images to just look at their pictures (again � rationalizing that it wasn�t porn, not sexual images, and that the IT dept. wouldn�t flag it).

All that stuff is the "trickle truth" I mentioned earlier. I now know that my brain is pretty messed up and I need to take EP�s very seriously. Both to keep my marriage and my job.

Thanks for your post on EP's. I actually have a very similar list and I've been doing almost everything. The only EP I'm still trying to figure out is how to install a keylogger on my work computers. The corporate firewall system has rejected all the programs I've tried to install. I have been given some advice on alternatives and I may have to do some of those. I think it was Melodylane who told me to go to the IT department and tell them to limit my access to the intranet. If all else fails, I will do that. But I haven�t done anything stupid or wayward at work for about a month now�. I know� I�m �playing Russian roulette with your wife's emotions� and I need to stop (quote courtesy of Melodylane). I will work on taking care of this right now (after I push the �post� button).

It's taken me a year to get to this point, but I am being 100% open and honest now. Like you mention in your post:
If I am tempted to do something that would cause pain to my wife (and further damage my brain), I call my wife � and she�s been very supportive during those calls. But inside, I know her heart is broken and she can�t believe she�s married to someone who has let himself go so far down the mental toilet. I feel horrible about the pain I've caused my wife and am committed to putting in place EP�s.


I�m not exactly sure of what a �run of the mill WH� is or even if there is such a beast, but I believe I struggle with some extra challenging challenges:

It�s only been in the last year that we�ve figured out that I might have Aspergers. And now I have to learn to realize that my brain might not be interpreting reality properly and I can�t even rely on my own view of the world:
So instead of just saying: "You're spreading BS", I�d like you to be specific. I want to learn. I just don�t always see my BS as BS (it usually takes a few 2x4�s to my head ). So feel free to tell me where you think I�m BS�ing, please don�t expect me to just �get it.�

Ok, so lets address the following quote;



You MIGHT have.... (said with sarcasm)

This would be a fine example of BS....

You've taken your habit/independent behavior/adulterous behavior and found some diagnosis that you've used to minimize your responsibility. You can find all types of SELF-DIAGNOSIS on the internet that fits your symptoms.

The problem is these behaviors/symptoms are the result of your habits and independent behavior. Both of which are love busters and are robbing your wife of any love for you.
Excuses also rob your wife of love for you, because excuses are no more than dishonesty, which is another love buster.

I'm calling this BS!

I mean really,
Have you looked up Bipolar Disorder? It fits too.

How about Narcissistic Personality Disorder? It definitely fits too.

What about Dissociative Disorder? It fits too.

The list goes on;

What about Fetishism or Impulse-Control Disorder or Hyperactive Sexual Desire Disorder.

Or Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

Anyone that MIGHT have something causes my eyebrow to raise and I think BS.....

Is that specific enough.

On another note;

Where are you in the twelve step recovery program?

What step are you working on?

If you think you might have a medical condition you need to get it diagnosed and confirmed. If you're to fix what drives you to do the things you do you have to know definitively what it is so you can make the appropriate corrective action.

To sit here and speculate sounds like excuse making. You�re not a doctor so get in and find out for sure. Once you know definitively whether it is a medical condition or just a behavioral problem you will be able to set a course and provide a true apology to your W. A true apology is not only saying you're sorry but presenting her with a valid plan that you will execute so she can be assured she won�t be hurt by the actions again. The key being �valid�.

Right now you�re trying things hoping to self-diagnose your condition. I suspect your W sees your attempts, while a step in the right direction, as a little bit of smoke and mirrors.

Take the extra step.