OK, then. You're saying that I haven't fully surrendered. That may be true. So what advice would you give me for surrendering? What do you think I need to do?

If your answer is "Quit BS'ing and get to work."... then, OK. I'm getting to work. Can you be more specific? Anything specific you'd like me to focus on, read, do?

That is not the definition of sacrifice, though. Sacrifice doesn't apply to stopping behavior that bothers her, it applies to DOING things you don't want to do. For example, if she asks you to stop belching at the table, it is not considered "sacrifice" for you to stop. That would not fall under sacrifice no matter how "strongly" you feel about it.

On the other hand, if she asked you to do something you hate, such as go shopping with her and you obliged her, it would be considered sacrifice.

OK, then. You're saying that I haven't fully surrendered. That may be true. So what advice would you give me for surrendering? What do you think I need to do?

Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows (betrayed spouse) and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic addict is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics addicts must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.

This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we a re His children. Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Do you agree with her and promise to be better when she does this?

I�m learning to stay positive and give her affection and actions that reassure her and show her that I�m committed.

Do you have a big book from AA?

Do or do not, there is no try.

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We are just starting the online program so she can feel �safe� while doing the program. For the last year, she has wanted a mediator before committing to doing all the worksheets and EN analysis � for fear that I would just use it to bash her. So that�s where we are.

Do you see the difference that ML is pointing out to you? This is HUGE.... You cannot improve if you don't understand the distinction between these examples.

How are you doing on making your wife feel like the most cherished, important woman in the world?

Was that your wife that was on the radio today with the gawking husband?

Was that your wife that was on the radio today with the gawking husband?

It's good to see your wife is posting..... But you've disappeared!

What's up?

No. In fact, it's a re-broadcast from November 27. My problem wasn't really a habit of "gawking" (although it was a problem as recent as 2 or 3 months ago), but the real problem was that I was doing something I call "scanning"; which is basically ALWAYS looking for something - constantly being "on the hunt" or "high alert" for anything that would POSSIBLY be enticing.

We were working on the Online program all weekend. So we were pretty busy. And now I suppose if we post, it'll be to Dr. H in the private forum. So you might not see us on this "public" forum anymore now that we have access to the Master Marriage Builder. I'm pretty happy about that.

So thanks for your help and your interest. I'll keep working on my attitude and surrendering my life to God.