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Joined: Dec 2012
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Betty Offline OP
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Running into this site is the best thing that could happen to me...As I have read and appreciate reading your stories...

This is my story...I had a extramarital affair that began right before my 8th year anniversary to my husband, whom at the time I had a 6 & 1 year old sons. Prior to that, I had a good marriage, I had everything, an intact family, a husband who loved me and took care of me and was very supportive, but on the other hand was never attentive nor was he affectionate towards myself or our sons, it was just the way he was. After the birth of my second son I quit my job and stayed home for the next year to raise him and then I went back to work, there I met this new man, who would be my OM and whom I would have an affair with.

When I first met him, I never found him attractive, never did it cross my mind to do such a thing. It started with him coming around more often, then asking me for help with his work and he would initiate conversation and he would tell me he was just delighted with me because I was so proper and intelligent, etc...I didn't think much of it at first and completely disregarded his comments, I didn't pay much attention to it. Then suddenly one day he asked me to join him for lunch, that he wanted to get to know me better and he wrote down his cell phone number, I found this to be ackward and I felt somewhat uncomfortable, but didn't think too much of it, and agreed to do lunch with him...I have always had lunch with my coworkers, sometimes in group sometimes one on one with men and women equally and respectfully, I had never crossed that line and nobody with me either at the places I had worked prior. Then we had to attend a employee conference, this OM suggested to have lunch on that day, I agreed, I had committed and even though I felt uncomfortable I just wanted to get it over with, so he could stop bothering me...well because of the schedule that day he suggested to go after the convention, it turned into a dinner and this really made me feel uncomfortable, I even discussed it with a coworker and she suggested just to say no, but I couldn't I felt committed and did not want to be rude, so I did. He took me to a very romantic restaurant, he opened up about his entire life included him being unfaithful to his wife a few years back and the posibility of having a child with that woman. The OW was married at the time and separated when her husband found out about the paternity of his daughter, which was not his biological daughter, she went ahead and told his wife about the affair, his wife left and they got back together three months later. Then I did not judge him based on his mistake, I thought he was a nice man who made a mistake. During the dinner he joked, he was very attentive and said how beautiful I was, etc...nothing happened, we went home but the following week after this he would always come around me, he made it more and more obvious and I started liking his attention, he made feel good about myself. Me and my husband were going through problems, my husband lost his business, he had no unemployment and I started becoming distant from him and closer to the OM. Finally, we went to lunch together and he kissed me and there is where it all started!

I felt hard and in love with this man, and he did for me too, so he made me believe this. The affair started in March 2008, and at first we both agreed that we were not to fall in love, sooner than later this would end. It didn't. We fell in love and when my mother found out, she had several talks with me, because it was so obvious, I began to isolate myself from everyone including my own children. I tried to end the affair several times and he would always convince me to stay and fight for our love, he would tell me "I cannot believe you are giving up on this love!", and like an idiot I fell for this. We decided we wanted to have a child and we would eventually leave our partners and be together. Then his wife saw a text message from me and called me to confront me, and I denied the affair...another year went by and she found some marks on him from me, he denied they were mine, he took his wife to a retreat and texted me all weekend to let me know he loved me and didn't want to lose me he just did it to make her feel better. Then, she called me and put him on the phone, he asked that we all meet, so she could see for herself that we were only friends, this prove to me the coward he was...and we were both already trying to have a baby and planning to leave our partners, after this I decided I did not want to have a baby anymore with him, because he would never be there for me or our child. It was too late, I found out a couple weeks later I was pregnant. I wanted to have an abortion and keep my family because he would tell me it was best for everyone, I was going to hurt my children, my husband and he wasn't ready. I was devastated! I couldn't talk to anyone about all of this...finally I broke down in tears and confessed to my mom and sister. They gave me the strenghth to decide and go thru the pregnancy, I decided to make my husband believe he was the father, I slept with him as soon as I found out and I would still have sex with him from time to time, but I knew from the beginning it was not his because I did not have sex with him at all during the time my OC was conceived. The OM decided to embrace this child and wanted to be a part of his life, but of course he wanted to keep his family intact and wanted me to keep the secret, and see the baby. I did, I loved him so much and yet I did not want to hurt my husband and leave him when he needed me the most...at the same time I was being hurt because I was allowing OM to use me and I was dragging at this point our son. Our son was born in May 2010, I went along with this affair, the relationship went from love to a love-hate sort of relationship, I was always telling him what a coward he was, etc...you name it, I insulted him, I was angry at him for putting me in this situation, I asked and begged him to leave me and he said he couldn't because of our son. When our son turned 1, his wife found my number again, and he told her to call me thinking I would deny the affair, I didn't, I told her everything and at his point more than three years had passed by since our affair began, this happened July 2011. A week later she went back home with him, I was furious because knowing him he probably denied everything and being the talker he was he had convinced her and denied our son! I texted her pictures of him with the baby and she left him for good and so did I...he came back to me, and I felt back again, since she left him, he couldn't support himself, I helped him with work projects, I helped him financially, he has never paid child support and he would buy the baby from time to time a few things here and there...right before I confessed the truth to his wife, the OW the mother of the daughter opened a child support order against him and the paternity test revealed he was in fact the biological father of the 6 year old daughter.

I would still have sex with him also. Since I got pregnant I knew I did not want to be with him, because of how coward he proved to be...I thought in a matter of time, I would stop loving him eventually just by his actions and it I did, but I put myself thru hell to get to this point. This last year because he used me so badly and I couldn't leave him because he knew how to manipulate me I decided to allow him to hurt me, because I wanted payback...I knew the most important thing for him was himself and what others think of him, he always wanted to be the most likeable guy, the best, he always assumed that any woman that smiled and was courteous was desiring him. In my thirst for vengenance I was going crazy, because I cared for him and I wanted to tell my husband but I didn't want my husband to reject OC and have my son suffer the consequences because the OM his bio dad would not be there for him, he would just be a coward one more time as he always was...Finally, he ex sister in law recognized our toddler and approached me and said to stay away from this guy, he was very bad person, he was bothering her sister, his exwife, he just bought her a new car to get her back and thi just angered me, this whole time he was getting money out of me and this whole time he was using it to get his wife back, this is what I needed to hurt him, I wanted him to feel the same shame I felt, so I knew the HR girl at his work, I send her proof where I made a lot of his projects and I also informed her that would threatened my by telling him he wanted to commit suicide but his was only a way of manipulating me, according to his ex siste in law, he was doing to the same with her sister, that he in fact was taking pictures of himself pointing a gun to his head where he wanted to committ suicide if she didn't take him back...he would send me pictures of himself crying and sobbing because I didn't want to talk to him...his whole behaviour was that of a narcisistic and selfish being. This was it for me...it was about payback and this was my opportunity, I got him fired! I informed some of his family members of his coward actions and that he owed me money, because I knew this would hurt him...I didn't care for him anymore, but I wanted revenge, I was thirsty for revenge and I wanted him to feel just as ashamed...well I did, but I had to drag myself in front of him to get to this point and know I feel so worthless and soooo ashamed!!!

I know he doesn't care, and the damage I did to myself and my family. I am so ashamed, I filled with shame and I know God has forgiven me, but I cannot forgive myself yet. I put myself through so much pain, to hurt him like this, which I know it didn't do much for him, he will probably go back to his wife and live like nothing happened and without any regard for anyone as he did before. He doesn't care about his daughter and clearly he never cared about our son...how can I tell my husband the truth!?!?!!

I started going to church and seeking God's forgiveness, I feel unworthy and a hipocrate when I attend church and when I help, I wish this guy could end alone and miserably unhappy for all the pain he caused me, for denying our child, for his cruelty towards his daughter, I have so much anger towards him, but I love my son (OC). My husband is very oblivious to all and I feel he might know but is just avoiding a confrontation and maybe a divorce.

I received an email from OM, he insulted me, he judged me and criticized me, he clearly doesn't acknowledge any wrongdoing, he clearly puts all the blame on me and all the responsibility, he thinks of himself as the victim in all of this. I lied to him in the beginning, I told him my husband knew about the baby, but for the sake of our kids he decided to sign the birth certificate, I did this because I knew the coward he was and this way he would never threatened or manipulate me with telling my husband the truth. I wanted to reply to his letter, but decided not too. I got what I wanted, I wanted payback for all the pain he put me thru, I wanted to humilliate him as he humilliated me so many times and I got that, but I got hurt so much more!!! I will not reply to his email, God knows my heart and pain and overall the horrible guilt I'm living with, but I don't want to lose what OC has with my husband and I don't know what to do...OM said in his email he realized he only loved his wife and these words don't hurt me, his insults don't anger me or make me sad, I know I'm worth so much more, but I disposed myself of my own dignity the moment I became involved with this man...I'm actually hurt for causing more pain to his wife and son and for the shame I brought upon myself, and family...I just want 5 years to pass by and know that I will be okay and so will OC my son...How can I tell my husband all of this???? I have been depressed for years since March 2008 until about a month ago...all I'm doing is praying for forgiveness and wisdom to find the answers and courage I need to do what is right....

Last edited by Betty; 12/07/12 05:56 PM.
Joined: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted by Betty
Running into this site is the best thing that could happen to me...As I have read and appreciate reading your stories...

This is my story...I had a extramarital affair that began right before my 8th year anniversary to my husband, whom at the time I had a 6 & 1 year old sons. Prior to that, I had a good marriage, I had everything, an intact family, a husband who loved me and took care of me and was very supportive, but on the other hand was never attentive nor was he affectionate towards myself or our sons, it was just the way he was. After the birth of my second son I quit my job and stayed home for the next year to raise him and then I went back to work, there I met this new man, who would be my OM and whom I would have an affair with.

When I first met him, I never found him attractive, never did it cross my mind to do such a thing. It started with him coming around more often, then asking me for help with his work and he would initiate conversation and he would tell me he was just delighted with me because I was so proper and intelligent, etc...I didn't think much of it at first and completely disregarded his comments, I didn't pay much attention to it. Then suddenly one day he asked me to join him for lunch, that he wanted to get to know me better and he wrote down his cell phone number, I found this to be ackward and I felt somewhat uncomfortable, but didn't think too much of it, and agreed to do lunch with him...I have always had lunch with my coworkers, sometimes in group sometimes one on one with men and women equally and respectfully, I had never crossed that line and nobody with me either at the places I had worked prior. Then we had to attend a employee conference, this OM suggested to have lunch on that day, I agreed, I had committed and even though I felt uncomfortable I just wanted to get it over with, so he could stop bothering me...well because of the schedule that day he suggested to go after the convention, it turned into a dinner and this really made me feel uncomfortable, I even discussed it with a coworker and she suggested just to say no, but I couldn't I felt committed and did not want to be rude, so I did. He took me to a very romantic restaurant, he opened up about his entire life included him being unfaithful to his wife a few years back and the posibility of having a child with that woman. The OW was married at the time and separated when her husband found out about the paternity of his daughter, which was not his biological daughter, she went ahead and told his wife about the affair, his wife left and they got back together three months later. Then I did not judge him based on his mistake, I thought he was a nice man who made a mistake. During the dinner he joked, he was very attentive and said how beautiful I was, etc...nothing happened, we went home but the following week after this he would always come around me, he made it more and more obvious and I started liking his attention, he made feel good about myself. Me and my husband were going through problems, my husband lost his business, he had no unemployment and I started becoming distant from him and closer to the OM. Finally, we went to lunch together and he kissed me and there is where it all started!

I felt hard and in love with this man, and he did for me too, so he made me believe this. The affair started in March 2008, and at first we both agreed that we were not to fall in love, sooner than later this would end. It didn't. We fell in love and when my mother found out, she had several talks with me, because it was so obvious, I began to isolate myself from everyone including my own children. I tried to end the affair several times and he would always convince me to stay and fight for our love, he would tell me "I cannot believe you are giving up on this love!", and like an idiot I fell for this. We decided we wanted to have a child and we would eventually leave our partners and be together. Then his wife saw a text message from me and called me to confront me, and I denied the affair...another year went by and she found some marks on him from me, he denied they were mine, he took his wife to a retreat and texted me all weekend to let me know he loved me and didn't want to lose me he just did it to make her feel better. Then, she called me and put him on the phone, he asked that we all meet, so she could see for herself that we were only friends, this prove to me the coward he was...and we were both already trying to have a baby and planning to leave our partners, after this I decided I did not want to have a baby anymore with him, because he would never be there for me or our child. It was too late, I found out a couple weeks later I was pregnant. I wanted to have an abortion and keep my family because he would tell me it was best for everyone, I was going to hurt my children, my husband and he wasn't ready. I was devastated! I couldn't talk to anyone about all of this...finally I broke down in tears and confessed to my mom and sister. They gave me the strenghth to decide and go thru the pregnancy, I decided to make my husband believe he was the father, I slept with him as soon as I found out and I would still have sex with him from time to time, but I knew from the beginning it was not his because I did not have sex with him at all during the time my OC was conceived. The OM decided to embrace this child and wanted to be a part of his life, but of course he wanted to keep his family intact and wanted me to keep the secret, and see the baby. I did, I loved him so much and yet I did not want to hurt my husband and leave him when he needed me the most...at the same time I was being hurt because I was allowing OM to use me and I was dragging at this point our son. Our son was born in May 2010, I went along with this affair, the relationship went from love to a love-hate sort of relationship, I was always telling him what a coward he was, etc...you name it, I insulted him, I was angry at him for putting me in this situation, I asked and begged him to leave me and he said he couldn't because of our son. When our son turned 1, his wife found my number again, and he told her to call me thinking I would deny the affair, I didn't, I told her everything and at his point more than three years had passed by since our affair began, this happened July 2011. A week later she went back home with him, I was furious because knowing him he probably denied everything and being the talker he was he had convinced her and denied our son! I texted her pictures of him with the baby and she left him for good and so did I...he came back to me, and I felt back again, since she left him, he couldn't support himself, I helped him with work projects, I helped him financially, he has never paid child support and he would buy the baby from time to time a few things here and there...right before I confessed the truth to his wife, the OW the mother of the daughter opened a child support order against him and the paternity test revealed he was in fact the biological father of the 6 year old daughter.

I would still have sex with him also. Since I got pregnant I knew I did not want to be with him, because of how coward he proved to be...I thought in a matter of time, I would stop loving him eventually just by his actions and it I did, but I put myself thru hell to get to this point. This last year because he used me so badly and I couldn't leave him because he knew how to manipulate me I decided to allow him to hurt me, because I wanted payback...I knew the most important thing for him was himself and what others think of him, he always wanted to be the most likeable guy, the best, he always assumed that any woman that smiled and was courteous was desiring him. In my thirst for vengenance I was going crazy, because I cared for him and I wanted to tell my husband but I didn't want my husband to reject OC and have my son suffer the consequences because the OM his bio dad would not be there for him, he would just be a coward one more time as he always was...Finally, he ex sister in law recognized our toddler and approached me and said to stay away from this guy, he was very bad person, he was bothering her sister, his exwife, he just bought her a new car to get her back and thi just angered me, this whole time he was getting money out of me and this whole time he was using it to get his wife back, this is what I needed to hurt him, I wanted him to feel the same shame I felt, so I knew the HR girl at his work, I send her proof where I made a lot of his projects and I also informed her that would threatened my by telling him he wanted to commit suicide but his was only a way of manipulating me, according to his ex siste in law, he was doing to the same with her sister, that he in fact was taking pictures of himself pointing a gun to his head where he wanted to committ suicide if she didn't take him back...he would send me pictures of himself crying and sobbing because I didn't want to talk to him...his whole behaviour was that of a narcisistic and selfish being. This was it for me...it was about payback and this was my opportunity, I got him fired! I informed some of his family members of his coward actions and that he owed me money, because I knew this would hurt him...I didn't care for him anymore, but I wanted revenge, I was thirsty for revenge and I wanted him to feel just as ashamed...well I did, but I had to drag myself in front of him to get to this point and know I feel so worthless and soooo ashamed!!!

I know he doesn't care, and the damage I did to myself and my family. I am so ashamed, I filled with shame and I know God has forgiven me, but I cannot forgive myself yet. I put myself through so much pain, to hurt him like this, which I know it didn't do much for him, he will probably go back to his wife and live like nothing happened and without any regard for anyone as he did before. He doesn't care about his daughter and clearly he never cared about our son...how can I tell my husband the truth!?!?!!

I started going to church and seeking God's forgiveness, I feel unworthy and a hipocrate when I attend church and when I help, I wish this guy could end alone and miserably unhappy for all the pain he caused me, for denying our child, for his cruelty towards his daughter, I have so much anger towards him, but I love my son (OC). My husband is very oblivious to all and I feel he might know but is just avoiding a confrontation and maybe a divorce.

I received an email from OM, he insulted me, he judged me and criticized me, he clearly doesn't acknowledge any wrongdoing, he clearly puts all the blame on me and all the responsibility, he thinks of himself as the victim in all of this. I lied to him in the beginning, I told him my husband knew about the baby, but for the sake of our kids he decided to sign the birth certificate, I did this because I knew the coward he was and this way he would never threatened or manipulate me with telling my husband the truth. I wanted to reply to his letter, but decided not too. I got what I wanted, I wanted payback for all the pain he put me thru, I wanted to humilliate him as he humilliated me so many times and I got that, but I got hurt so much more!!! I will not reply to his email, God knows my heart and pain and overall the horrible guilt I'm living with, but I don't want to lose what OC has with my husband and I don't know what to do...OM said in his email he realized he only loved his wife and these words don't hurt me, his insults don't anger me or make me sad, I know I'm worth so much more, but I disposed myself of my own dignity the moment I became involved with this man...I'm actually hurt for causing more pain to his wife and son and for the shame I brought upon myself, and family...I just want 5 years to pass by and know that I will be okay and so will OC my son...How can I tell my husband all of this???? I have been depressed for years since March 2008 until about a month ago...all I'm doing is praying for forgiveness and wisdom to find the answers and courage I need to do what is right....
Welcome to MB.

If you truly have learned from your mistake then prove it by your actions, and tell your H. He deserves to know about his own life.

Also why haven't you changed your contact information so ON can never contact you again?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 51
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Betty Offline OP
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Posts: 51
I cannot take back what I have done...I wish my OC was not his biological son, and I find it difficult to believe that my BH doesn't suspect a thing, it was so obvious thinking back, and OC is completely different to his two older brothers whom are 11-6 years old, my two older sons look alike, but the little one looks completely different, he's the spitting image of OM...I feel he knows, but he choses to ignore the issue at this point, unless OM would have personally intruded in our lives.

I changed my email after that last email...I was tempted to replied, but if I did it would mean that it matters and it doesn't...I'm dealing with my own issues of guilt and shame. I spoke to spiritual counselor, and he suggested to not tell my husband at this point, because it would only hurt my husband and child. In any given case, if it ever comes back and I have no choice then at that point I would have to bite the bullet and face the consequences...I'm broken!!! I feel BH should know the truth, but then OM doesn't care, so why should I put him and OC thru the pain of what I did, maybe I should be the only one to suffer the consequences of my actions...at the time I didn't see I was dragging my entire family into this, I was blinded by my selfishness that never measured the pain I was causing to other people as well as myself too...I'm desperate and feel broken spirited!!! I'm trying to do good, thru my actions, and for that reason I cannot have any contact with OM, I cannot forgive him and I cannot forgive myself, I'm drowning in guilt and shame...how do I approach my BH and tell him the truth? What will he gained from all of this? He loves OC and has even a closer relationship to him than to his biological sons...I'm hoping OM will never try to contact me again and will never look for me again,he does know where I work and work email, which is where he can contact me, and I hope he has some shame and doesn't...I don't want people to judge me, as I already feel lower than dirt and worthless for my mistake...we all make mistakes in life. We all fall short of our ideals. One mistake does not define a whole life. I know God loves me and has forgiven me even though I have not forgiven myself and I keep on judging myself more than anyone could, and I know you will do better in the future, because I feel I have learn from this, and it will never happen again...it hurts me when I see my OC, he's wonderful and I feel such a failure of a mother, what parents wants garbage for their child, nobody, and I feel that is what I have given him with his biological father (OM)...




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Betty,

A lie continues to grow uglier and uglier the longer you let it live, please end it now and tell your BH everything. Please reveal the truth now while you still have a chance to recover.

Try editing your post with some paragraphs it will help people read your story.

God Bless
Gamma


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Betty,

One other point, and this was a sad part of my life, is that not only are you lying to your BH, but you are lying to your OC every day. And while this might not seem important when OC is small it will be difficult for you when OC gets older.

I can tell that because when I tracked down my biological family, I am an OC, my adoptive Mother in her 80s was visibly relieved that she no longer had to carry that secret. She had been persuaded to do so by my adoptive Father.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 12/07/12 07:29 PM.
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Originally Posted by Betty
I cannot take back what I have done...I wish my OC was not his biological son, and I find it difficult to believe that my BH doesn't suspect a thing, it was so obvious thinking back, and OC is completely different to his two older brothers whom are 11-6 years old, my two older sons look alike, but the little one looks completely different, he's the spitting image of OM...I feel he knows, but he choses to ignore the issue at this point, unless OM would have personally intruded in our lives.

I changed my email after that last email...I was tempted to replied, but if I did it would mean that it matters and it doesn't...I'm dealing with my own issues of guilt and shame. I spoke to spiritual counselor, and he suggested to not tell my husband at this point, because it would only hurt my husband and child. In any given case, if it ever comes back and I have no choice then at that point I would have to bite the bullet and face the consequences...I'm broken!!! I feel BH should know the truth, but then OM doesn't care, so why should I put him and OC thru the pain of what I did, maybe I should be the only one to suffer the consequences of my actions...at the time I didn't see I was dragging my entire family into this, I was blinded by my selfishness that never measured the pain I was causing to other people as well as myself too...I'm desperate and feel broken spirited!!! I'm trying to do good, thru my actions, and for that reason I cannot have any contact with OM, I cannot forgive him and I cannot forgive myself, I'm drowning in guilt and shame...how do I approach my BH and tell him the truth? What will he gained from all of this? He loves OC and has even a closer relationship to him than to his biological sons...I'm hoping OM will never try to contact me again and will never look for me again,he does know where I work and work email, which is where he can contact me, and I hope he has some shame and doesn't...I don't want people to judge me, as I already feel lower than dirt and worthless for my mistake...we all make mistakes in life. We all fall short of our ideals. One mistake does not define a whole life. I know God loves me and has forgiven me even though I have not forgiven myself and I keep on judging myself more than anyone could, and I know you will do better in the future, because I feel I have learn from this, and it will never happen again...it hurts me when I see my OC, he's wonderful and I feel such a failure of a mother, what parents wants garbage for their child, nobody, and I feel that is what I have given him with his biological father (OM)...
You need to remain No Contact for life with OM.

Sit your BH down and tell him "honey I have something I need to tell you"'.

The longer you make excuses the longer you continue to live a lie.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 51
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Betty Offline OP
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Posts: 51
I really need help comprehending the benefits of telling BH the truth...I only see now the pain he will go thru for my own selfish relief...

My mother is an OC...sad for me to think that my own child is my mother's story repeating itself...my mother found out the truth after she was married, she met her biological father in her mid fourties, she felt sorry for the man...she couldn't love him, she had already buried her father and she never judged my grandmother, compared to the children her bio dad had and raised, her life was so much better and she strongly believes my grandmother made the best choice in her best interest...it's difficult for me,I break down just imagining the look on my husband's face, especially when I see my BH so happy and lovingly with OC...I have no doubt that BH is the best man and father that can possibly raise OC, he's a man of immaculate integrity, with flaws like any being but has the one quality a lot of human beings don't have including myself, integrity...it hurts me to think of telling him the truth...I need a lot of courage and confidence and knowing that it is the right thing to do in everyone's best interest, and I would have if OM would have man up and decided to be involved in OC's life, but he's not...what is the benefit to BH and OC, right now is only me lying to them...I feel like the biggest hipocrate on the face of the universe, but I'm terrified to tell them the truth!!! :'(

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Listen to these radio clips from Dr. Harley.
Radio Clip on what to do when a pregnancy happens from an affair

Radio clip on OC

Please let us know what you think.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Betty Offline OP
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I have looked all over the internet to see if someone has lived what I am going thru and what outcome they have had...the closes I read is someone here, but this was the wife finding out when the OC was already a grown man whom was a disaster, but the life the OC had was different from what my OC has with my BH...he doesn't abuse me, completely the contrary and OM has another child whom he doesn't care for, OM only cares about himself, his security and has no regard for anyone but himself, and only others like myself and the other mother of his other OM is at fault, OM feels victim to me and the other OC mom and his wife for not forgiving him...the issues are everyone else's but his...I definetely do not want nor intend to have contact with OM ever again in my life. I hope he never again attempts to establish communication with me...

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Betty,

No one here is saying these choices are easy an OC makes the issues 10X bigger and they go on for a lifetime.

I can tell you I wished I had know the truth sooner. I've never seen my Mother except to visit her grave but everyone knew except me. I wished I would have understood my biological identity sooner.

Your BH has the right to make his decisions based on the truth of who you are and who OC is. Your BH will very likely not leave OC as he is bonded so strongly. I sometimes think adoptive parents bond more strongly because they don't see their own defects in the OC.

God Bless
Gamma

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Betty,

Another issue here is that OM is a secret addiction of yours and OM knows it, he is like a pimp who uses the appearance of love to enslave women.

OMs like this will return to whoever was in their life when they need them, and this includes OC, you need your BHs support as you have no one to help you now.

God Bless
Gamma

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Betty, a person who is truly remorseful does not continue to lie to her victim. God does not forgive a person unless they REPENT. If you are still lying to your husband, then you are NOT repentant and you ARE NOT forgiven.

The solution to infidelity is honesty, not more lying. To continue to lie to your husband is cruel and manipulative. This is vital information about his life that is being cruelly withheld from him.

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I really need help comprehending the benefits of telling BH the truth...I only see now the pain he will go thru for my own selfish relief...

You are the LAST person who is qualified to decide what is best for your husband. You are a dangerous, reckless person and your husband cannot protect himself and your children unless he knows what you have done.

Tell your husband the truth. Otherwise you are tricking him into staying married to you. A person who is truly repentant does not continue lying and manipulating.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Betty Offline OP
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I see the point of NC and how the involvement of OM with OC affects in a negative way the marriage...with the OM in my life, I learned how he went thru this situation before, he put the entire blame and at fault the OW, he claims he was seduced and felt for me as he did with the mother of his OM, he did what he does best, took on the role of victim and talked atrocities about the mother of his daughter moved on with his wife and only son without regard for this little girl...I'm going thru an internal battle with myself, for the reason being of wanting to do what is morally correct...I know I have to be honest, but it kills me to think of telling my husband the truth...if OM doesn't care about OC, why should I put my BH and OC thru the pain of learning the truth? It would hurt me if he would reject OC, because BH is the best thing that OC could have and I do not doubt that BH will raise a wonderful human being of OC and OM should have no opportunity of enjoying such a wonderful person when OM did not contribute in any way...OC is 11 years older than me and has a 21 year old son and is his only son. I firmly believe right now after all I did to him he is more concerned of getting his wife back than anything else and I probably am doing him a favor in the end by relieving him of all responsibility of OC and his wife as well...

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Originally Posted by Betty
why should I put my BH and OC thru the pain of learning the truth?

This is a pathetic, thinly veiled excuse to avoid facing the consequences of YOUR ACTIONS. You are avoiding telling him only to cover your [censored], NOT because you don't want to "hurt" him. If you cared a rats [censored] about his "best interest" you would have not been screwing the OM all these years, planning to have his baby. crazy So, please save the fake "concern." Your concern is only for your own [censored].

It is obviously in your husbands best interest to know the horrible things you have done TO HIM behind his back so he can protect himself. You have LIED to this man for years. It is time to be honest.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Betty
why should I put my BH and OC thru the pain of learning the truth? It would hurt me if he would reject OC,

This is ALL about your own selfish interest. Me, me, me.. You are treating your husband like a pet on a leash by denying him the RIGHT to choose to stay married to an adulteress and denying him the right to CHOOSE father another man's child. Who the hell are YOU to deny him the right to make choices about his own life? Are you GOD?

And you call yourself "repentant?" Oh no. The only thing you are sorry about is that the OM used you and dumped you.

TRue repentance is not demonstrated by fraud, deceit, manipulation and trickery.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Betty,

If you need an example of the destructive effect of dishonesty on a persons life, please look at OM. And the worst thing about people like OM is that they try to turn other people into them. He has forced you into a life of dishonesty like his own.

And for a reason to tell your BH, to restore your integrity and decency as a wife and Mother, you cannot continue to function like this, your children need you.

God Bless
Gamma

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Thank you for your honest advice...I must say what you say is something I had not considered...

I do feel very remorseful, I feel like I'm going to burst of guilt and shame and the last thing I want is OM to come back later in life and intrude in OC's life...perhaps you are right, there is already a strong bond established between OC and BH that BH would not step out of OC's life...I really don't care if he divorces me, I just don't want him to reject OC because BH is the best person and father figure to OC...I can deal with BH hating me for what I did, but not OC...

I will keep reading your posts later tonight and thru the weekend...I will tell him the truth, but I need a few days to gain courage, because right now I'm feeling like a coward and I am one right now...

Thank you for your posting, they have been helpful to me and to come to the conclusion that I have to tell BH the truth. :'(

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Repentance means to "turn away from." That has not happened here. When you continue to lie and trick your victims, you are obviously not repentant.


Whoever says �I know him� but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. 1 John 2:4-5



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Betty
I will keep reading your posts later tonight and thru the weekend...I will tell him the truth, but I need a few days to gain courage, because right now I'm feeling like a coward and I am one right now...

Thank you for your posting, they have been helpful to me and to come to the conclusion that I have to tell BH the truth. :'(

That is the right thing to do, Betty. It is the right thing for you, your husband and the child. You have been living a lie for a long time and your husband needs to know what you have done.

I would not wait to tell him. Tell him this weekend. Courage is a decision you make. You can make that decision now. If you do this, we will help you and your husband through this every step of the way.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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