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Originally Posted by Betty
Thank you for your honest advice...I must say what you say is something I had not considered...

I do feel very remorseful, I feel like I'm going to burst of guilt and shame and the last thing I want is OM to come back later in life and intrude in OC's life...perhaps you are right, there is already a strong bond established between OC and BH that BH would not step out of OC's life...I really don't care if he divorces me, I just don't want him to reject OC because BH is the best person and father figure to OC...I can deal with BH hating me for what I did, but not OC...

I will keep reading your posts later tonight and thru the weekend...I will tell him the truth, but I need a few days to gain courage, because right now I'm feeling like a coward and I am one right now...

Thank you for your posting, they have been helpful to me and to come to the conclusion that I have to tell BH the truth. :'(
I'm glad to see you're going to do the right thing and tell your H.

The sooner, the better to get him told. You might as well bite the bullet.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Betty
.I really don't care if he divorces me, I just don't want him to reject OC because BH is the best person and father figure to OC...I can deal with BH hating me for what I did, but not OC...

That is entirely up to your husband, NOT YOU. And I dearly hope you don't intend to manipulate your husband about this. That would be to add insult to injury.

If you were "concerned" about this child you would have not have had a child with a married man. The only guilt belongs to you. You cannot ascribe your guilt to anyone else. No, Ma'am.

Don't play the guilt card on your husband. That would be manipulative and cruel. IF he doesn't want to father your love child he is perfectly within his rights.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Betty, there is no such thing as a "right time" to tell your husband. Go in there and bring the man to this thread and let him read TONIGHT.

That is the right thing to do. There is no reason to wait.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Betty,

Continue to read on MB, you also need to help your BH overcome your affair. I would suggest you read some of the BH threads on here to get an idea of how your BH feels and what he needs.

Do the right thing, the sooner the better, I am hoping for the best for you.

God Bless
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Repentance means to "turn away from." That has not happened here. When you continue to lie and trick your victims, you are obviously not repentant.


Whoever says �I know him� but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. 1 John 2:4-5
Te Greek word for repentance, metanoia means to have a change of heart.
From encyclopedia:
Metanoia is therefore primarily an after-thought, different from the former thought; a change of mind accompanied by regret and change of conduct, "change of mind and heart", or, "change of consciousness". A description of repentance in the New Testament can be found in the parable of the prodigal son found in the Gospel of Luke (15 beginning at verse 11).

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@Gamma: Thank you very much!!! Your words have directed me to consider other aspects of my situation that I was completely disregarding...I don't want to live a lie and I have every desire to do what is best morally...I have decided to tell BH the truth, but first I will talk to my priest, this is not easy, because hurting BH is something I did not intended to do...I cannot change my mistakes anymore, I have to face the consequences of my poor judgement.

@MelanyLane: first of all, who do you think you are to judge me?!?!?! If I did not care one bit, I could have careless of writing my embarrassing shameful and degrading actions! The first time it's a mistake, the second is a choice, I'm not the married woman with three kids from three different married men, OM is!!!! If the law felt the way you do, believe me jerks like this would probably go around having kids left and right!!! I'm okay with not getting a penny from OM, but glad to know he does have to pay child support for other child, someday we will all go and face judgement by God, and we will be judge on what we did with each and every child we had, I didn't make this child alone, I had the choice of having an abortion and OM highly encouraged me, I could have and gone like nothing happen, I had already committed an awful sin, I chose not to do something worse, now I have to find the courage to do the final right thing which is to tell OM, I'm not playing victim lady, I know what I did and I have no pitty on myself, but OC is innocent, he's what matters to me at this point, so I have a lot of praying to do to build the courage I need. Every situation is different, I would have to write a book about my story to tell so much more, but the bottom line I never want to be like OM and repeat this again, I feel I have been to hell and back, but God will be my judge and will judge every parent for each child they have, only God gives the gift of life and I'm sure God has his purpose for OC, I cannot imagine my life without him and I have my mother sister and aunts support, but again it's not easy!!!!! I'm hurt, because of the pain I caused to others, my sin hurts and you could never understand unless you get in my skin but I have no regard for OM! stop judging me, your not God!!! Read the parable in the Bible when the adulteress woman was going to be killed for her sin, Jesus said to throw the rock if anyone was free of sin, everyone left because they were sinners and he looked at her and said He did not condemned her, He forgave her and said to leave and never sin again, so why do you take Gods position and authority to judge me? I was looking for encouragement to do what's right and find peace within as Gamma said, I want to regain my dignity, integrity and self respect, not go cheat with someone else because I can get away with my wrongdoing, I want to be born again in Christ and live a Christ life and raise my sons to not make my same mistakes. It's not about stability, because I have a career, I decided not to tell my husband sooner because he was not working and going to school full time, he's now finish and now the guilt is worst, now I just need some courage to face the consequences of my actions. I was raised to be better than this, although my parents and family love me and will stand by me I'm still ashamed with them for disappointing them, they gave me a better upbringing than what I have demonstrated thru these degrading and cheap actions on my part. I welcome your advice but if your going to judge me please don't, I'm already judging myself by far worst than what you can possibly imagine.

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I meant to say tell BH NOT OM the truth...

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Originally Posted by Betty
I .I'm dealing with my own issues of guilt and shame. I spoke to spiritual counselor, and he suggested to not tell my husband at this point, because it would only hurt my husband and child. In any given case, if it ever comes back and I have no choice then at that point I would have to bite the bullet and face the consequences...I'm broken!!! I feel BH should know the truth, but then OM doesn't care, so why should I put him and OC thru the pain of what I did, maybe I should be the only one to suffer the consequences of my actions...at the time I didn't see I was dragging my entire family into this, I was blinded by my selfishness that never measured the pain I was causing to other people as well as myself too...I'm desperate and feel broken spirited!!! I'm trying to do good, thru my actions, and for that reason I cannot have any contact with OM, I cannot forgive him and I cannot forgive myself, I'm drowning in guilt and shame...how do I approach my BH and tell him the truth? What will he gained from all of this? He loves OC and has even a closer relationship to him than to his biological sons...

Really? Are you aware of the fact that as soon as this child has any medical procedures or tests the doctors will tell him (if adult) and your husband that his blood is different?

As for the "spiritual counselor" advice to lie to our husband. You have chosen to lie for so long that God will NOT forgive you unless you repent!
Have you not read the 10 Commandments? thou shalt not LIE!

Saint Paul writes "God hates liars".

Your entire life is lies.

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Your mother and aunt are liars also
Anyone that cover this up is an enemy of your marriage.

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You have a daily choice: to live in sin or to repent of your sin of lying.

What do you choose to do tonight?
Will you stop being a liar and tell your husband the truth or will you go to sleep with this sin?

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Originally Posted by Betty
@MelanyLane: first of all, who do you think you are to judge me?!?!?! stop judging me, your not God!!! Read the parable in the Bible when the adulteress woman was going to be killed for her sin, Jesus said to throw the rock if anyone was free of sin, everyone left because they were sinners and he looked at her and said He did not condemned her, He forgave her and said to leave and never sin again, so why do you take Gods position and authority to judge me?

You know, you weren't throwing around bible quotes when you were having sex and getting pregnant with a married man...your use of them now is more than a little hypocritical. Hiding behind one bible quote unfortunately leaves you at odds with other bible quotes.

John the Baptist tells us in Matthew 3:8 to produce fruit in keeping with repentance; if we sincerely repent, we will behave differently. Who we are or how important we think we are makes no difference; we have to produce this fruit, as John commands in Luke 3:8. Repentance is a change of attitude and action, not just muttering, "Oh, I screwed up. God forgive me," and not restoring your harmed brother.

Repentance, obviously, should be sincere and should be accompanied by actions that reflect a change of heart. It is not a trivial matter. When you say you are forgiven and then talk about how to deceive and trick your husband, your words are lies. God doesn't forgive those who don't repent. You might not like to hear that, but it is the truth.

Anyone here can "judge" that your adultery is wrong. This is more selective bible reading on your part; it does not say "thou shalt not judge," but it does say "thou shalt not lie" and "thou shalt not commit adultery." It was not a "mistake," it was your choice to sin. Your issue is that you have not judged right from wrong. That is not a virtue, but a major liability as you have learned the HARD WAY. Our prisons are full of people who cannot judge right from wrong and that is exactly where they belong. Your failure to use such judgement has led you to this horrendous place.

If you truly do care about your victims, your husband and your child, then do the right thing by them. Stop lying and get honest!

Lets see you back up all that talk with some ACTION. TALK IS CHEAP. If you want to be taken seriously, then go tell your husband. NOW. Stop pretending like you "care" about anything more than covering your [censored]. Trying to deceive your husband into fathering your adultery partners child is not a demonstration of care.


Whoever says �I know him� but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected.
1 John 2:4-5


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Hi Betty. I've read quickly through your story and the advice you're getting so far is very good. I am a FWW who is raising my OC with my BH. We have absolutely NC (No Contact) with the OM. The difference in our situations is that I told my BH the truth about OC from the very beginning. He's been awesome about it and completely accepts our OC as his own child. His name is on the birth certificate and he is her father in every way except for the DNA. Our OC is 4 now, and my BH absolutely adores her.

You've backed yourself into quite a corner here by choosing to lie to your BH all this time. You've made a bad situation so much worse by perpetuating this lie. I highly suspect your BH already knows the truth. Even if he doesn't, certainly you realize he is bound to figure it out eventually, especially considering how many people (OM, OM's wife, your family) already know. The truth is going to come out, and it will be so much worse for you if he hears it from someone else.

The first thing you need to do is sit down and tell your BH the truth. I can't guarantee you that he won't divorce you. I can't even guarantee that he will accept the OC as his own child (though there's a good chance he will since he has had several years to bond with this child). But really, this is the only hope you have of saving your marriage. There is never any excuse for lying to someone about something like this. Your BH has a right to know the truth, as does your OC when he is old enough to understand. Believe me, I know how hard this is going to be for you, but it is something that needs to be done immediately. The longer you put it off, the worse you are making things for everyone involved.

I'm not sure where you live, but there are some legalities involved that you will eventually have to deal with. In my state (CA), paternity must be contested within the first 2 years of the child's life. Either your BH or the OM could contest paternity during this time. If that doesn't happen, then the statute of limitations passes and whoever is listed on the birth certificate (in your case, your BH) is the child's legal father. This would be true even if the two of you were to divorce. In CA, the husband is presumed to be the father of any child born into the marriage. In order to get rights, the OM would have to take the case to court and petition a judge to order a paternity test. There's no guarantee what a judge will do, but many times, if the BH is willing to accept the child as his own, the petition will not be granted. Most OM's never pursue this route, since it is costly and OM's tend to be cowards and don't really want to be involved in a lengthy legal dispute. If your BH wants to raise OC as his own child, there's an excellent chance he will be able to. Of course, laws differ from state to state and I'm not sure where you live.

Tell your husband the truth ASAP and then send him here so he can get the help and support he's going to need. That is the right thing to do. It's really the only chance you've got to begin the very long process of healing your marriage.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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[quote=Betty
@MelanyLane: first of all, who do you think you are to judge me?!?!?! [/quote]

pukepukepukepukepukepukepukepukepukepukepukepukepukepukepukepuke

Melody and other's here do not need me to defend what they have to say.

I think you can not handle the truth. You can not handle being told in a blunt manner.

That is because you have not completely owned what you have done.

Re read your first post. In that post you are spending 90% of your time painting most of the blame for the affair on the OM and 100% of your anger on the OM.

Who, the BH, OM, OMW, your mom or sis, held the gun to your head for you to have an affair?

When you realize that 100% of the fault belongs to you and blame belongs to you then you will be able to handle being called out here. Did your BH, the OM, OMW, force you to try an conceive an OC. Normal WW throw caution to the wind and go bare back and don't worry about getting pregnant.

You did one better, you and your OM plotted to get pregnant on purpose an have an OC.

You planned on letting the OM knock you up when you knew that this is what your OM did with his last OW. You saw that your OM after getting his OW pregnant drop her like a hot potato and never pay child support.

What made you think the OM was not going to do the same to you? You have a golden whatsit?

You better get real. Real fast.

MB and posters as Melody have helped save many marriages. Even where the WW had an OC.

Recovery is like being pregnant. You can not be half pregnant and you can not follow half of the Marriage Builders program and recover your marriage.

You need to tell your BH because he needs to know that you can not be trusted to be faithful. He needs to know that the day's of letting you have blind trust are gone for good.

Trust can be rebuilt but this will take years. Though due to the affair trust will never be abled to be repaired to the level before the affair.

When you tell your BH about the affair you need to be 100% truthful. Do not avoid answering your BH's questions with I don't remember. Let your BH contorl the level of detail that he needs to know by the questions that he asks. Recovery will not work when you trickle truth.

Order the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley today.

Tomorrow: Change your email address and block OM and change your cell No. and block OM incase he gets your new number. You have FB block OM their as well.

Then sit down tell your BH about the affair, That you have gone NC with the OM and have blocked him. That you found a great resource to heal, marriage builders, ordered the book, that the both of you should call the Harleys and have a phone counseling session because they don't rug sweep, blame the BH, and they are highly recommended.

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Originally Posted by Betty
I don't want to live a lie

Do you think it has ever been your your husband's desire to live a lie?

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I cannot change my mistakes anymore, I have to face the consequences of my poor judgement.

Exactly. Your husband and your children (all of them) will have consequences as well. This is Biblical.

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I'm not the married woman with three kids from three different married men, OM is!!!!

You will know you are on the correct path to redemption when you cease pointing fingers to make OM's faults more egregious than your own.


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If the law felt the way you do, believe me jerks like this would probably go around having kids left and right!!! I'm okay with not getting a penny from OM, but glad to know he does have to pay child support for other child, someday we will all go and face judgement by God, and we will be judge on what we did with each and every child we had, I didn't make this child alone, I had the choice of having an abortion and OM highly encouraged me, I could have and gone like nothing happen, I had already committed an awful sin, I chose not to do something worse, now I have to find the courage to do the final right thing which is to tell OM, I'm not playing victim lady, I know what I did and I have no pitty on myself

What is asked of you will require moral courage.
Leave ALL of OM's mis-deeds/character defects out of any explanation when you confess to your husband. Any judgment on your part that OM is worse than you ..... will not help recover your marriage. Trust me on that. Simply answer any questions about OM with facts, not a comparison of OM's of sins with yours. You will look foolish and insincere if you compare severity of sins to make yourself appear more virtuous than OM.

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but OC is innocent

Everyone knows this. You need not go there.



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I have my mother sister and aunts support, but again it's not easy!!!!!

True support will encourage you to be honest and faithful with your husband. Any "support" which encourages lies, is morally wrong.

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I'm hurt, because of the pain I caused to others

We know this. That is why God told us not to sin. Because sin causes pain. Sexual sin can cause generational pain. It hurts because it is sin. We know you are hurting. You are supposed to be hurting.

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my sin hurts

ALL SIN HURTS. Don't you know that? We all hurt when we have sinned.

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and you could never understand unless you get in my skin

Of course we understand. Your sin is not unique or special. Your sin is ordinary, not extraordinary. Anyone who has studied the Bible understands sin hurts. You feel shame. We get that.

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but I have no regard for OM!

His sin is not darker than yours. You mention OM entirely too much.

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stop judging me, your not God!!!

Stop judging OM to be more culpable than yourself. Accept your own culpability and leave OM to God. Let all mentions of OM cease.

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Read the parable in the Bible when the adulteress woman was going to be killed for her sin, Jesus said to throw the rock if anyone was free of sin, everyone left because they were sinners and he looked at her and said He did not condemned her, He forgave her and said to leave and never sin again, so why do you take Gods position and authority to judge me?

Be careful. Your posts are full to the brim of judging OM to be worse than yourself.

Now, onward and upward.
Courage is the first ingredient of maintaining integrity.

When you confess to your BH (leaving the judgments of OM out), his response will be terrible. Anger/tears/cursing/accusations/threats ..... the entire spectrum of human emotion. You need to know that. Holes in walls may occur.
I highly recommend that you ask one of your female relatives (who have been 'supportive' according to you) to watch the kids overnight.

Your husband will not eat or sleep. He may be unable to work. He may need professional help. Stay by his side. Speak very little. Listen without judgment of his emotional responses. This will require courage and integrity on your part. When in doubt, ask your husband what he needs for you to do at that moment. If he says "Get out." Then, get out. Call him after 2 hours and ask if there is anything you can do for him.

He will ask "Why?". Here is one way to respond that will not cause further distrust:

"I am not sure why. I am sure it was not in any way your fault. The fault/responsibility is 100% mine. You need to know that you are not part of the "why" I made this horrible choice. I was weak. I will work at whatever it takes to be strong."

Also, do not ask to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a PROCESS. It may take a very long time for your husband to understand exactly WHAT he is being asked to forgive. Do NOT forget this part. "Can you ever forgive me?" is a self-centered question you must not permit yourself to ask.


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Originally Posted by writer1
Tell your husband the truth ASAP and then send him here so he can get the help and support he's going to need. That is the right thing to do. It's really the only chance you've got to begin the very long process of healing your marriage.

Ms Writer knows what she is talking about. Pay attention!

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Memorize this:

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to repair the damage, and make this marriage safe & happy for both of us."


Trust me, you will need to repeat this often, and you will need to be sincere.

Recovery after any adultery is a marathon (years) not a sprint (months). Recovery involving raising another man's biological child is an even longer journey.

You are about to discover what an amazing man you married.

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PS:

You have told your last lie to your husband. Any future lies in an attempt to assuage his pain will come back to bite you in the butt. Answer every question honestly.




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Read this link to Joseph's letter:

READ THIS - PRINT OUT - give a copy to your H after confessing <~~~ Click this link.

This will SHOW your H that you are sincere when you say "I will do whatever it takes".

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@Pepperband: I was very angry at OM...as Gamma mentioned in an earlier post, he was who he was and I only became just like him...it was my choice, a very poor choice in deed and I take responsibility for what I have put my family thru, because I'm the person who affects my family directly, not OM...bottom line, I realize I became full of anger towards OM as I began to see the coward he was, and have let go of all negative feelings towards OM because he's not whom I care for, it's my husband...I wish OM well despite everything that has happened.

It's been a very difficult weekend and I have told my BH the truth, Sunday as a matter of fact after mass...I have never seen my husband overwhelmed with emotions and he certainly bit the bullet to not lose it in this ocassion...of course he's hurt, dissapointed of learning the truth about his wife, myself,and devastated overall because of the horrible secret of OC not being his biological child...

It hurts to seen him going thru the pain he is going thru, but on the other end I feel better in the sense that there are no more lies...I offered him to log into this site for help, because I'm willing to do the work to save our marriage, I regret painfully everything I have done, but mostly failing my husband...he read some of the posts and refuses to invest his time here...right now he is too hurt and angry at me, his love for OC has not changed and he loves him as much as he did before the devastating truth, he was clear he will love OC regardless of the outcome of this and will always be a part of his life...he asked me to give him time, he refuses to talk about the details, he's still in shock of this and very angry at me...I will check back at a later time...this is very difficult for me, but I'm the only person to blame here for causing him my BH this pain and dissapointment...

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You have done The right thing

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