It's going to take time, and lots of it, for your husband to heal. But there are things you can do to help him.

The first thing you need to do is write a NC (No Contact) letter to the OM. There are examples on this site on how to do that. But it is critical that you cut off all contact with the OM immediately.

You also need to expose this affair to everyone who does not yet know.

Also, have you ordered "Surviving an Affair" yet?

Betty do you and OM still work for the same company?

If so you need to leave that job ASAP. Your BH does not need to worry about you and the OM breaking NC.

Here.
No Contact Letter samples


here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Thank you for your advice.

I don't work in the same company as OM, in fact because I have a business relationship with the company he works for and having a close relationship with one of the partners he was terminated, the reason being and he was given is because he found out he used a lot of my work in his projects, at a lunch he asked me about OM because we both work for the same company during the same time, he then brought to my attention his work where literally it was all me...I always use a particular phrase on my presentations and emails ...this friend knew about my problems and use this to terminate OM...which in fact it was a favor to me, being in the industry we work we somehow know

everyone...this friend actually did a favor to me, I decided not to ever again talk to OM and forget about feeling sorry for him, now I feel sorry for myself and my poor judgment and selfishness...OM made an attempt to talk, so I changed my number and cancel my email...my BH knows about my nasty breakup including his threats towards our sons well being...there is so much...

I have no contact at all, and now that I'm seeing my husband devastated because of my selfishness I have no mind to even wonder about OM , II'm just grateful OC didn't lose the best person in his life and I hope we can work thru this....

BH husband actually took it upon himself and wrote an email to OM, as the suggestion, before I even read your post...BH primary concern is OC and his two older brothers...the only way OM could contact me is at work and my direct line was changed and my work email also...I hope I never see him again...someone said he was my secret addiction, it's been years of hell, seeing now the pain I put my BH completely eliminated all feelings about OM ...I'm concern of what direction will our life shift with OC and BH...I supose I have to take one day at a time....

How much contact did the OM have with the OC?

When did contact end?

Did OM resist you making him have NC with the OC?

Can I point something out to you? You are still very foggy. This is said as a FACT, not as an insult. Your head is still filled with thoughts about OM.
Your above comment about OM's future wellbeing is completely inappropriate.
OM was your co-conspirator. Your partner in sin.

Question:
Where is your deep and heartfelt concern for OM's wife? She (and others) were victimized by your adultery.

Drop every thought about OM in the toilet. Really. Go to the toilet every time you think about OM and flush. Replace his name immediately with his wife's first name and say out loud, "I am so sorry (name). I did a very bad thing to you."

Now THAT would be impressive!

yet



And that is a pain so hurtful and unbearable ...to know that your spouse still wishes the affair partner well. The person who helped decimate the happiness and security of their family.

Good grief Betty, why would you wish him well?

Because she is still very foggy. She wrote this:

At the same time expresses that she wishes OM well.

Makes no sense because she is foggy. Foggy people make no sense. It takes time (maybe months in her case) for critical thinking to resume.

OM had contact with OC, at first more, then as he began to grow, it became less and less...when he first found out I was pregnant he suggested an abortion, then I decided to have him and asked him to leave me alone...he never did...as time went on, he wanted me to leave my husband and then he would leave his wife, but I realized he would never be there for me when he suggested the abortion, that was the first signal to me for everything else that followed...as time went on, I realized he wanted me to leave my husband, he wanted me to be there for him, but his plans I never really knew, he said one thing but his actions were always way off from his words...I decided to give him 2 years, if he really wanted to be a part of OC's life he needed to get it together...when OC turned two this year, that's when I decided to cut him off completely, I told him if he was sincerely interested, he could go to court or talk to my husband about it...that never happened, he always came around me, always crying and begging to see his son, as if he cared, which to me he didn't...he had contact, at first weekly, then monthly, slowly I started pulling away, it's been 6 months since the last time he saw OC, but I feel he was just using OC to manipulate this relationship...now, I have not seen him and I changed all my contact information...the last we spoke I expressed to him that if he wanted to be a part of OC's life he had to deal with my husband if he in fact was sincere about his intentions with OC, he never did, which is what I expected...he's not gonna go cry to another man about his child, his not going to tell another man he's going to commit suicide if he's not allowed to see his child, which is what he would tell me...he resisted, but in a cowardly manner to end contact with OC...I doubt that ever cared about OC, he only cared when I was involved with him...it's sad, but it's true, it took time for me to see a lot of things and I am not proud of my poor judgement and none of my actions, and I know nothing justifies all the wrong and harm I have cause to my family...

Right now, I'm focussed on my husband and our marriage...I'm thankful and grateful that he loves OC and nothing changed between them...when I said I wished OM well, I meant that in a way that I don't care about him and I have no regards good or bad, I'm concerned about my husband and family...whatever OM does, whoever he is with, if it's in his wife, or any of his other women's arms is something I don't care to know or even wonder about, not in the sense that I'm wishing him all the best of life and the most wonderful things in life...my relationship with him went from a love to hate sort of relationship, but I don't care about this man, he threats to suicide and wanting to die because of me not talking to him or because I separated him from OC no longer work, it took me a long time to realize I was being manipulated, he would never hurt himself ever, if I cared one bit I would not have bother posting anything here and definitely I would have left my husband to make things better for OM, I don't know, bottom line is who cares what he's doing with his life, I have own life to deal with right now and it's a chaos, OM's BW knows about him, his multiple children with other women, they have 21 year old son together, whatever she choses it's her choice and whatever he does it's his business not mine, it's too foggy to explain right now...but I doubt he is worried about my husband or OC, so it's irrelevant for me to waste my energy on this man, the only people that interest me are those that were directly affected by my selfishness...If I hate OM is giving him too much importance in my life, so it's none at all anymore, it's not worth it to hate or care at all for this person, I'm learning so much from my BH, I don't know how he has the strength to keep himself together and still be able to see me face to face and talk to me about his expectations and devastated feelings and anger; my husband will decide what he needs from me, and what I need to do for him, and unfortunately, he doesn't want to invest any time on this site...he was appalled by some of the comments and he will look for help elsewhere, he doesn't want to hear people judging his situation, because there are so many more details that I have shared with him and not here...whatever I say here, regardless, I'm the bad person, for him (BH), I'm his wife and the mother of his sons, and yes I betrayed him and are not proud of it, but regardless he still cares for me enough and he loves his sons, his anger and frustration is all my fault, I let him down, me as his wife...I could have left him for OM, and never did, it doesn't mean that letting the affair go on for so long until I finally had earned the courage to cut it off definitely justifies me in any way or make me any better, I did a horrible thing and that's it, nothing could sugar coat the reality of my actions...the one person that made the posts that made a world of a difference to me were Gamma's, I'm thankful to this person.

Thank you for your comments, I still read them and take them as constructive criticism to think about my actions and never again put myself in a situation like this...I believe I read in this site about avoiding the situations...since I work for another company, I'm definitely not looking for friendships with men that need to be comforted or want someone to listen to their suffering, I learned my lesson and I immediately cut them off, married or not because I am married and the only person I care to invest my time and energy is my husband, if they are married, they should be going to their wife's for comfort and support not elsewhere.

I welcome advice, and am taking it day by day...my BH will not trust me for some time to come, and it's understanding, it's gonna take time to rebuild the trust that I broke...only time will tell and I'm hoping for the best, if he can never trust me again, I'm the only person to blame, I was the one who let him down and dissapointed him...

@ Pepperband: It's ackward that you say to apologize to the wife...but in fact, I did!!!!

I already cause her a lot of pain, I don't think I should be contacting her to let her know her husband is bothering me??? She already knows and is aware about him, and it's up to her if she choses to take him back or not, it's her decision if she choses to believe in his tears and his suicidal threats...I don't anymore,my concerns and priorities are my husband and sons, not OM and his personal life...

You must tell your BH every time the OM tries to break NC. If OM called and you see it's no. you don't answer. You tell your BH what happened.

If OM uses a strange no. and gets through soon as you hear OM's voice you hang up without saying anything and tell your BH what happened.

Same for email, don't respond don't erase, so it to BH first.

Every time OM tries to break NC you need to tell the OMW what OM is up to.

You should change phone no. email address, block OM.

OM still goes fishing then you and BH get a RO against the OM.

Betty, I would seriously consider moving as far away from OM as possible, preferably to another state.

One thing that has helped in the recovery of my own marriage is the fact that my OM lives 3000 miles away. I don't have to worry about accidentally bumping into him when I'm out shopping or having him show up at my door one day. I couldn't imagine making a situation like this work if I lived near the OM.

If OM hurt his wife more than once, and has in all of this continue to bother me and fill her head with lies, it's on her if she choses to stay...I really don't want to cause her anymore pain, it's her choice if she decides to take him back, she's not oblivious and it's her choice what to believe or not, she knows he said the same words to both of us and threats to hurt himself, if she accepts this it's her choice, there's no way I could approach her and tell her each and everytime, if she doesn't see the inconsistency between his words and actions there's nothing I can do...I want nothing to do with anything related to him...I just want time to pass and forget about all of this and never again see him, and I hope he has some shame and after receiving my BH letter he stays out of our lives and discard OC out of his life for good...

I have agreed to let BH know, if OM attempts to establish communication with me...his last email, I did not replied, it was pointless, I let him keep his thoughts everything, there's nothing for me to clear and when he contacted me and said we needed to talk, well no we didn't, that's when I went ahead and change all my info...I don't want more problems, I have enough of my own to be worried about his BW and making her aware of something she's already aware, just like me...I want to make things work for my family sake and my BH wants his three sons to grow together, that's really his primary concern, our sons...he already consulted with an attorney the situation of OC in case he ever has a change of heart which I doubt, but it gives him peace to know he is the only father to OC and he is determine not to allow him to intrude in this child's life for the sake of all three sons.

Betty,

...the one person that made the posts that made a world of a difference to me were Gamma's, I'm thankful to this person.

Glad I could help, and thank You for the kind words, I too found that kind of help when I first stumbled on MB, alot of it from Mrs_Zonie and Mr_Zonie.

At that time my W was on the verge of divorcing me or living without hope in a dead marriage. I changed in a span of a few weeks after I began reading on MB and my W thought it was miraculous.

A great deal of my change came from reading the WW threads and understanding why they cheated and how they felt unloved and unsupported in their marriages, and that what they wrote my W had said to me. One painful aspect of this realization was how many years of my marriage, and of my W's life I had wasted that could have been so much better. I encourage you to continue to read, especially the BH threads, here on MB.

God Bless
Gamma

It is not easy to read the truth being written about such despicable behavior behind a spouse's back. It was not the words that were appalling, but the actions that the words described. Nothing that was said here untrue, by the way. Not a word can be disputed. If the truth will run you off, then your problem is the truth. People who live lies run from the truth.

No one "judged his situation;" we judged your sleazy, rotten behavior. As anyone who knows right from wrong naturally would.


Folks could respect your leaving much more than staying and sneaking around like a rat in the dark. So please spare us the undeserved pats on the back for staying and cheating and lying.

I hope you aren't saying this stupid, foggy stuff to your husband. It won't help your situation one bit.

And do us a favor and please start using paragraphs when you write? Your posts are almost impossible to read because of the lack of paragraphs.

Gamma is one of the most knowledgable members on this forum.
He has great experience in dealing with OC scenarios and affairs in general.

I never recommended that you apologize to the wife you wronged. You are misinterpreting my words. perhaps I was not clear ...... I suggest that when your mind wanders and you think about OM that you immediately say his wife's name. This will help you break that habit.

Thank you and I will keep in mind you thoughts, words and by all means feel free to judge all you want and feel the need to.

When OM comes to my mind, that's exactly what I do, I think of his BW, son, his OC's and their mother's, and your absolutely right, it helps break the habit...

Thank you Gamma...I appreciate your posts very much...

I was beginning to feel somewhat discouraged of this site. But I will continue to read the other forums that you suggest. Had it not been for posting here and your posts, I don't think I would have done the right thing, I probably would still be living a lie.

I think we (myself & BH) will get through this and I am willing to do whatever I need to, in order to gain my BH's trust. I know it's not going to happen overnight, and it will take some time.

Thank you again very much!