I have been talking to a friend who is also a psychotherapist, and who actually thinks that my husband MAY have this flat or blunted affect? We have not seen a professional as of yet? But if this is true, will it EVER be possible for him to recover his emotions and be able to "feel" them again, in order to meet MY emotional needs? He has no sense of compassion, sympathy, empathy, conversation, acknowledgement of faults or wrong behavior? This has been a battle for me....and I feel as if I am going crazy trying to make something work, that just goes in circles? Please give me your thoughts?
Thank you....

My thoughts are that it is unprofessional for your psychotherapist friend to diagnose your H without professionally consulting with him.

I also think it is a major DJ for YOU to psychoanalyze him in this way.

Have you read Lovebusters and are you familiar with DJ's?

What specific marital issue are you having a problem with?

What was he like when you dated? How did you end up marrying him with those traits?

Can you be more specific about what the problem is? What is his behavior that concerns you?

How long married? Any kids? Do you have fights?

Hello again, sorry about the time lapse! And thank you for your replies!
Well, my friend has known myself and my husband since we were all around 14, and it was more of a concern than a diagnoses, since these thypes of affects have no actual "diagnosis", more of an observated conclusion. I dont analize him TO him, but yes, my father was also a counselor, and I do tend to analyze situations, not people. ; ) He has told a counselor we had gone to, that his body "wont allow" him to feel feelings like I do. He said he wabts to, but that he is physically incapapable doing that, and thats what my girlfriend had heard when she thought of those affects. He does not show sypathy, or compassion or empathy for any situations where anyone would? Our MAIN issue, is that we dont see ANY issues the same. And when we try and discuss anything, its always a fight? He says I'm TOO emotional. I cry very easy...but mostly because of frustration, saddness that we cant talk about anything other than his work. I have lost the feeling of being attracted to him, because of our fights, along with his weight gain after losing 100 pounds. He is a comfort eater. It runs in his family, but I KNOW he able to beat it, since he did it before. But I canNOT say anything about it....or he instantly becomes defensive. Even if said in the most healthiest way? We do not have any childten together, we have one daughter (9) who lives with us, (mine), and I have 4 older out of the house. We have been married for 3 years in March, but have known eachother since like I said we were 14. I have had a LOT of medical issues this past 2 years...that has put a HUGE financial burden on him...and stress on myself along with depression as well as anxiety. One of my major complaints I guess you can say, is that I feel like he has built, or has HAD some major walls built up when it comes to having conversations? I am usually always the one who has to start a conversation, or call or text him, or go to him for a hug ot kiss, It is always me making the efforts to have the relationship? We did not date all that long or were we around eachother too much before marrying,...we lived in different states at the time of our courtship. So there were a lot of things we didnt know about eachother...its true. But there have been several different moments of sadness in our lives, and no tears from him. Ive never seen him ever shed one, or get teared up? I have never seen any empathy from him? I guess I've never seen anyone so stone cold before? I always used to think of him as just extemely strong? But now 3 years into it...its seeming to be something WAY more? The old counselor we saw, did say that he had a HUGE wall....that was going to take an incredibly long time to chizel away at? Just cutious if there are any suggestions, or tricks to see if I can somehow try and see if I could get some other emotions other than anger,( which is his main one), out of him with the help of this book? I want to know...what else I can do, for myself and for him, to get him to open up? Or if this may just be the work for the therapist? And we DO have fights. Very big ones. I usually cry...and he's usually making up elaborated crap that never happened the way he says? It really amazes me sometimes? My daughter is writing in a journal that I started her doing, to get her thoughts out on paper...and something she said yesterday, is that she doesnt want is to fight anymore..(never in front of her), because it makes mommy sad and she crys. That about broke my heart? But thats exactly how bad it is. Almost to the point, I feel like I'm done? Which I have said a few different times? This last time was last weekend. And I said I AM done, if he doesnt get help. He of coarse ALWAYS bats everything back tnis way, and says, " you need help". So... Whatever, I made an appointment for a therapist.

Giess I'll clarify... His anger, his lack of communication skills, his lack of initiating anything EXCEPT sex. HIS non verbal vocabulary when he's upset about something? That everyone around picks up on? His mean look on his face 24/7. His behavior of treating his cat better than me? Lol Hes a wonderful daddy, but when he is WAY too hard on her when it comes to "expecting" her to "get it" when it comes to schoolwork that HE thinks is SO easy? And says things that make her feel very sad, and that shes not smart. It hurts me to watch? And I cant let him talk to her in that way? He tends to ALWAYS have a way of argueing with anything someone has to say? Wether if its you say the sky is purple? He'll say, "Well, actually, its blue"... I brought that up before to another counselor...and she DID get to witness it?!! As well as my older children! He is a journeyman at work, and I have told him, that he does NOT always have to be right or argue with every single thing someone says? Its OK to be wrong, or not HAVE to correct everthing someone says?? At times I often see this is as having controll issues?? Am I wrong??

I would start by stopping talking to "counselors" about your husband and getting armchair diagnoses. You are both communicating in ways that have harmed your marriage if you are fighting. The reason he ignores you is because he has fallen out of love because being together is so unpleasant for both of you. You are unpleasant to him and vice versa.

You can turn this around if you follow this program though. It can teach you how to restore the love in your marriage and become pleasant and enjoyable to each other. Counselors have no idea how to save marriages, so I would avoid them. They have a higher personal divorce rate and are destructive to marriages.

I will post some links, but I would get these books and follow the program in them: Lovebusters [use this one first], His Needs, Her Needs and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love.

Start Here

And could you please use paragraphs in your posts? They are very hard to read and you will get much more help if you make it easier for posters to read.

Sorry...this was all done on my phone. Or I could see it better.
And, he definately isnt OUT of love with me...or thats at least what he tells me?

He even tries to talk to me, but its all about his work, and can go on and on about it. He tries to make me feel better by offering to take me shopping? But thats not going to help me anymore...?

He KNOWS what I want, but just doesnt know how to do it. Thats where he SAYS his body wont "allow" him to feel? And have you a degree in any type of relationship therapy? Do you know about mental illness? How could you say, its as easy as 1,2,3, if even there could possibly be something deeper than him "not talking"? Would you know if someone actually did have deeper problems than just not "trying", if you met them? I'm not saying that all counselors are good. Believe me, by knowing my FATHER, lol, I could tell you that...

I know we are focused with our church, and we will be seeing a Christian therapist if any this next go round...as well as purchasing these books. I am just concerned for him as I have heard him speak of wanting something but physically not being able to do it. I would think that by hearing this, it would throw more of a red flag up, than just saying, "He isnt in love with you"? To look at me, you would think that I am able to be a normal working, well rounded person. But really,
I have spinal stenosis, rapid degenerative joint disease and am having another surgery on March 1. Also while having cervicle cancer along with other "non visible" medicle problems.

Doesnt mean that I dont WANT to be normal and working to help be an equal partner. But my body does NOT allow it, as of now. So...that was my point. If he does have some deep rooted issues that physically wont "allow" him to have or show these emotions, how am I expected for him to understand mine? I am hoping these recources will be able to help us along our journey....just hoping its not a little to late, for me. I have to see something BIG happen on his part as of right now. Pain in every aspect of my life....has changed me.

No, I don't have a degree in "relationship therapy," I sell soft drinks. But the advice I am giving you is from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. He is an expert in recovering marriages and "relationship" therapists ARE NOT. Marriage counselors are destructive to marriages and have an 84% failure rate. They don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage.

Kari, I think you have vastly overcomplicated this issue and are making it much harder than it has to be. He has no feelings because he has fallen out of love. If he were in love he would feel an incredible attraction for you.

I think that "therapy" is cute and trendy but it is a distraction from your marriage problems. I think your faith in therapy is very misguided and will prevent you from solving the problems at hand.

Instead of trying to psychoanalyze your husband why not learn about this program and learn how you can create a great marriage?

Have to agree with Mel on this one. You seem very prejudiced against your H. I assume he wasn't always that way, or else you wouldn't have married him right? If that's the case then it's probably closer to what Mel says. He talks about his work because he is passionate about it. He has the ability to be passionate about something so I doubt if he is as unfeeling as he claims.

Have you read these?

What to Do with an Emotionally or Physically Disabled Spouse Letter #1
What to Do with an Emotionally or Physically Disabled Spouse Letter #2

I doubt there is anything wrong with her spouse other than he has fallen out of love. He has not been diagnosed with anything by anyone other than her and her friends, who seem to make a sport of diagnosing him.

I was hoping she'd see what it's really like to truly have a disabled spouse (one that's diagnosed by a professional doctor).

Kari,

Welcome to MB. You are getting some good feedback from some of this site's most knowledgable posters. They know this MB stuff in and out. Listen to what they say.

Here is my two cents worth.

You two need to learn how communicate. MB has a plan for marriage communications. PORH and POJA are the heart of this communication.

Stop analyzing your H. Maybe he won�t have the same feelings as you (empathy, compassion, sympathy) and while it may be a struggle for him to meet your needs and refine his habits and behaviors to be a better H he CAN DO IT. This is where MB works it�s magic. It is a very action based philosophy. You don�t sit around and hash out old issues from your marital past or childhood woes. Instead you learn what you do to each other that makes you love each other more and you learn what you do that makes you love each other less � and you work to increase the good parts and decrease the bad parts. You do this through actions and radical honesty (PORH) and negotiation ( POJA). If you increase what is good and decrease what is bad you will build a loving, romantic M.

I�d say stop everything you are currently doing. Drop the other therapists. They�re just going to send you down a path where you justify your position (you and him) and will only further deteriorate the M or you�ll simply flounder around ruminating the past.

About 6 or7 years ago my W and I did marriage counseling as well as some individual counseling with a single therapist and while we did make some headway in our marriage as far as feeling better about ourselves we did very little to improve the marriage. I liked the counselor. The sessions seemed to go well. She agreed with MB concepts but didn�t implement its principles in her assignments for us and so we stayed sort of stuck.

Late last year I was completely withdrawn from my W. I had a hard time being around here. I found fault with everything she did and I HATED where we�d ended up. Through repeated convincing from some of the good people here I was able to start down a better path. We finally got our hands on some of the MB materials and signed up for MB counseling. Today some 3 or 4 months later we are finally making some strides on improving the marriage. We are �doing� instead of �analyzing�. I can honestly say I have loving feelings for my W again � and it didn�t take long for those feelings to return.

Get your hands on some of Dr. Harley�s books and seek phone counseling from one of this site�s counselors. The 3 books we have and 3 I�d recommend for you is His Needs, Her Needs; LoveBusters; and Fall in Love, Stay in Love.

It isn�t of great concern that he can�t feel the emotions to do what�s right for you � he just has to learn to do them regardless. You will help to teach him to do what you need him to do �and not do.

I agree. So what if your ex has blunted emotions? what are you going to DO about it?

My ex has never been diagnosed with any disorder, but I've worked with enough autistic young adults to say that he definitely has autistic tendencies. He does not "feel" the way you and I feel. He cares about things. He even loves things. But typical human expression of care, concern, and love escape him. He does not need other people to express love to him, and only very slowly, over the years since our son was born, has he come to understand that sometimes you have to show people love in the manner they're most able to receive it.

Once I realized this facet of his personality, I adjusted my expectations of him and clearly outlined the behaviors I needed him to exhibit as my husband. This way I was able to be happy (until he came back from Iraq suffering from PTSD which made him a threat to me and our son).

So I recommend you follow the advice of those who are here and look at ways YOU can make the situation better in stead of talking to a million people about how HE is wrong. You're the one who is here, he's not.

Ah, expectations �.
If there is one thing I've learned over the years is that I need to adjust my expectations of my W. I seem to have a preconceived notion of how I'd like her to react to most everything ... including our MB counseling. And when she falls short of those expectations I feel a letdown. But if I'm ever to step back and reflect or look at the bigger picture I can actually see the good that is transpiring. It has been in those moments of reflection that I realize having certain specific expectations are only setting my wife up for failure (in my head).

I need to give her credit where credit is due. She responds in her own way and although it lacks the emotion or feeling or if she even responds at all I have to anticipate the issue resolution or need meeting will happen differently than I expected.

That�s not to say I shouldn�t have certain basic expectations but more so that I can�t anticipate how things will unfold � just expect they will, in their own way, unfold.

I can only change me.

Hi Kari, welcome to MB!

I just had some thoughts I wanted to share. I am a female, but assume if your friend knew me might also diagnose me with this "blunted affect" thing. I have been described by many as a very strong person and by others as a cold hearted B! My H told me at one time that I don't have feelings! This is 100% untrue. I have all the "normal" feelings everyone else has....BUT I am action oriented and do not prefer long "feeling" discussions, or putting all my feelings on display.

This is just how I am, I have been through a whole lot in my life, and don't have time to wallow or be bawling in front of others, in fact I'd rather cut my head off then break down sobbing with an audience...yuck!

This has NOTHING to do with my ability to meet my H needs, or my ability to use the MB program.

I agree with the others here, MB is a very specific program to repair marriages, and restore and maintain romantic love....it works!

Hi Kari, are you still here? How are you doing?