She will not without question. She wants to 'negotiate' EPs....She'll do THIS, but not THAT, etc. The current issue is facebook.

She deactivated fb at the time of D day, but lately she's been jonesing to reactivate it. a little while ago she asked what i thought and of course i said i strongly disapproved, as it was a communication method bw her and POSOM, etc. she was mometarily upset but seemed to accept my reasoning.

now i find out she reactivated it for a short period of time (less than 1 hr) for reasons i dont know. its currently 'off'. but obviously shes disregarding my position on the matter.

advice?

Deactivating is not the same as permanently shuting it down.

You know as well as I do why she would reactivate that "Portal Into HELL" that the scumbag leach Zuckerberg has created. She either checked on POSOM's situation, or sent him a message, or both.

She evidently has little confidence into your ability to follow through on sanctions for her violations. You have already demonstrated your lack of resolve by accepting "deactivation" as opposed to "deletion", and you will continue to reap avoidance and misdirection as you sow irresolution and indeciveness.

What will your response be?

that is what im hoping to get advice about. assuming she wont concede on this, do i continue plan A, or what? up until this point things were going pretty good.

Recovery ain't an eff'ing democracy. The WS gets NO vote!

Can I be any clearer?

i understand that. when she says "no" do i a)walk out b)start plan b c)ask for a separation? etc. i want there to be consequences but ive read the material and i dont see specific info on what those should be. sorry im being obtuse, its a failing of mine, i guess.

What you do is to implement whatever sanctions for failure you put in place when the EPs were established.

Oh, wait! Let me guess!

You didn't close the deal at that time did you? You blithely assumed that "This is what you must do," without the "...or else these terrible consequences will ensue!" would be sufficient. Even after she had betrayed her marital vows, you "trusted" her to follow the EPs!

For reference, this is what works:

So after I returned home, and we started (sans MB)
to devise a strategy to repair what was damaged,
there was never a doubt in my bride's mind that
what I stated I would do (positively or negatively),
as developments warranted would get done. A single
discovered contact (real, or cyber) with him would
have meant the end of the marriage and basically
the destruction of her entire frame of existence.
Conversely, her efforts to recall and analyze all
that had occurred, and firm commitment to prevent
it reoccurring, would ensure my total devotion to
our future. Absolute black vs pure white.

IMO,

If you are truly in recovery and you ask your wife to deactivate FB or any other EP and she says no, you are not truly in recovery and your wife is not following MB principals.

Just my opinion.

i agree 100%. we are not as far along as i had supposed, its very disappointing.

i expressed my feelings about it last night (no DJs, no AOs) in a calm and respectful manner, but she was immediately defensive and blustery about it. this tells me that she's still in the fog, and we aren't in the recovery stage yet.

fwiw, shes never been completely on board with MB principles, im trying to implement them from my side as best i can.

i am grateful for your advice and posts, thank you.

I can relate to exactly where you are at with your situation.

My FWW and I are 1 year into R. From the beginning, I was able to establish 'what works for me and what doesn't'. For example, EP's. For me, any violation of ANY EP's means she moves out immediately and most likely straight to D. There are no negotiations at all on the subject--- at all.

FB was her path to tragedy as well. I have made it clear that if this happens, I will file D on the grounds of A, go for full custody of our children and we will NOT be friends at all.

I am willing to walk away from the M at the first signal of breach of EP�s because I do not want to live my life that way. No more abuse. No more controlling, using and taking advantage of me.

This has been made VERY clear to my expectations. I don�t expect perfection in R. Hell, I know I am not. However, I do expect an honest relationship following MB principles. Once you realize that every time she does something like this to you, it is a massive LB withdraw. My FWW understands this. Does yours? Does she realize that if YOU fall out of love for HER most likely the M is over?

I offer a beautiful life to my FWW and our family and I know the value I have. This gives me great strength because I decided long ago that the only M I will accept is an honest M. Period.

Can you do the same?

It is not clear to me if you have established your parameters that you require to allow your relationship with HER to continue and clearly communicated it to her?

Have you? Have you sat yourself down and said �this works for me 1, 2, 3..and these things don�t 1,2,3 etc?

You cannot control her or force her to participate in your R. However, you can control yourself and by mentally getting to the place that you are ready to walk on the M if she does not want to participate..you FREE yourself from the shackles of HER control.

MB is that path.

thanks, 20YH. that is great guidance. i am working now to establish these parameters.

has anyone moved to a 'joint' FB account in order to avoid these issues?

um correct me vets if I am wrong but EPs are not negotiable. I say no Facebook for awhile.

My WW deleted her FB profile as an EP and then I deleted mine. I'm feeling a bit of withdrawal from this. It goes to show the importance it was given by me. In the end, it was the right thing to do.

This is a joke question right? I don�t mean to make light of your question but seriously..you can�t be serious.

You must decide if you are willing to 'settle' for anything less than excellence in your M based on MB principles.

Until you are willing to make a stand and she is willing to participate in your R the odds of things going well for you is zero. Plan doormat is not what Dr Harley recommends. Plan �I will accept scraps from my WW � is not what Dr Harley recommends.

Even with a W FULLY on board with MB..R is extraordinarily difficult. At some point you are going to have to draw a line in the sand and stand by your position. Until then, things will only get worse�not better.

Have you addressed the conditions which allowed her to have a SSL and ELIMINTATED those things?

Have you taken the EN�s questionnaire and begun working to become experts at meeting each other�s most important needs?

Have you eliminated all LB�s from your M? (Including IB, Dishonesty etc?)

Have you laid the groundwork to create an integrated lifestyle?

Have you become each other�s favorite recreational companion?

Are you spending 20hrs of UA each week?

If the answer is no to any of these questions then you better get to work today if you want to save your M.

i can answer with a qualified yes to all but the first. we, by mutual agreement, are meeting each others most imp ENs. we are not quite up to 20 hours a week, but are almost there (15-17 now).

the first item is the sticking point.

That is great!

However, until item #1 is addressed and resolved, the other items really are not going to help you mend your M.

The M must be safe and free from the conditions which lead to the A FIRST. R is not possible wihtout this first step.

I strongly encourage you to work on that.

From your posts, it appears that IB has NOT been eliminated and O&H has NOT been established.

Step #1 my friend. YOU have to make it clear that your participation in the R is contiginent on these being in place.

"WW, I love you. I want our M to be Great. I am working to become the H that will meet you EN's and be the H you deserve. I believe MB to have the tools to help our M be amazing. However, for this to be a reality, several steps must be in place (such as 1, 2, 3). You have the ability to choose to be part of this path to create an amazing M or you can choose to go a different direction. This is totally your call and I respect whatever you decide. For ME to stay continue in this M, here is what I need from you (1,2,3). I will not be in a M that is not a win-win for both of us. Please take until tomorrow evening to decide what you want for your life. At that time, we will sit down and plot a course either together or apart".