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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Originally Posted By: faithful follower
It is up to her mom, not you and FWW to decide to tell her the truth. Until that time you need a response that is not a lie but leaves the decision up to the person who gets to decide what and when to tell the child.

Sending hugs as I know the emotions this must be stirring like a hurricane in you.
??? I totally disagree. Completely. Totally.

Did I say totally?

faint
Sorry I wasn't clear enough. I meant it is not up to RMX and his FWW to tell OC WHO POSOM is. That is mom's job to decide if she should know who he is. Of course they should not lie to OC about RMX being bio dad.


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Thanks for clarifying, ff! I was a little confused there, for a minute - I usually agree 100% with all of your posts and this one threw me for a bit of a loop smile You are correct, IMO. RMX and his wife can own their role in OC's origins. That's really all they do have ownership of. OC's mother should call the shots regarding POSOM, and RMX and his wife should respect that.


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Gosh darnit, my whole post is gone.....ill try later from a actual computer and.not a phone


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RMX, I have been reading your history. It seems you kept OC for a while and then decided to have her adopted later on. Could you tell us how old she was when she adopted, and why you decided to do that after having kept her at first?

Also, one of your posts states it was an open adoption, and that you spoke with her on the phone, and received pictures, as part of that arrangement. You were described to her as Aunt and Uncle. Is that how it has been all these years? When was she told that your wife was her mother? How old is she now?

Have you ever met her since the adoption?


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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
RMX, I have been reading your history. It seems you kept OC for a while and then decided to have her adopted later on. Could you tell us how old she was when she adopted, and why you decided to do that after having kept her at first?


It seems like I've remembered alot of stuff that I have forgotten until you asked that question.

We never actually had her with us. When W was in labor, she had contacted the couple and they drove 13-15 hours from Mississippi. I was not present for the actual 3am birth because I didn't want to be there, and I also had our son with me. I regret that, I could have made plans for someone to watch DS but I didn't. We got to spend some time with them and the newborn OC because we had to sign papers with the adoption agency.

Originally Posted By: SugarCane

Also, one of your posts states it was an open adoption, and that you spoke with her on the phone, and received pictures, as part of that arrangement. You were described to her as Aunt and Uncle. Is that how it has been all these years? When was she told that your wife was her mother? How old is she now?


She is 14 now and she was 13 when she found out, and its a open adoption with alot of boundaries to avoid stepping on her toes, and yes we were known as aunt and uncle all these years. The mother would send us pictures, but when we offered to respond with pictures of our own, she politely declined. OC even gave us her cell# but her mother politely asked us to lose the # when she overheard OC giving it out.
We always do our best to live by OC's mothers boundaries.

You would think she'd be suspicious that these people that shes never met, are sending her presents for her birthday and XMAS???

Once she found out my W was her mom, she was very interested in talking to our youngest child who is a 7 yr old DD. She did not ask us any of the questions I expect are going to be asked soon.
Originally Posted By: SugarCane

Have you ever met her since the adoption?


No, We have not met her in person. The only thing I can think of writing right now, is that the mother has told me that OC tells people she has two brothers and a sister.

This is bringing up alot of emotions that I thought I would not have. I am ashamed to admit this, but the thought of POSOM ever having anything to do with her really makes me protective. ... or jealous... or possessive? or I am just petty.

Actually I want her to look me in the eye and tell me she doesn't need to ever meet POSOM because I am a good person.


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or lie and just tell me she thinks I am a good person...who happens to chain smoke when he is nervous


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There is a user on here that I would love to post on my thread.
I cannot remember her name .... I remember a BW whose husband had TWO OC's with POSOW and she and her husband got full custody of the OCs? ...anyone remember her?


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Was POSOM ever told about OC? You mentioned that adoption papers were signed, but by whom? You (as the presumed father) and FWW? If not you and FWW, then by POSOM and FWW?

She may talk about having siblings because your FWW has other children (with you). Legally, they are not her siblings but by blood (your FWW's), they are her half-siblings.

What I see as sad is that her birth father (POSOM) and her adoptive father (also a POSOM) both abandoned this child, and for whatever reason, you did not choose or didnt have the choice to adopt her at the time of her birth. I am not condemning YOU in any way for that. You were put into a bad situation and have lived with choices made long ago. It's apparent that you care about this child regardless of her origins.

You were relegated to "uncle" status when your FWW chose to be relegated to "aunt" status by adopting her out to an unrelated couple in an "open adoption." Where was birth POSOM when all of this went down?

I think you're thinking of Delean? Wasn't she the one who more or less raised/is raising her husband's two OC (with much love) while POSOW remains still in the picture? Her situation is different because the children have always known the truth. Your FWW's child has not known the truth until now (at least about her birth mother as far as we know).

Having said all of this, your role now, even though you care about this child, is one of husband to her birth mother. Her mom (the woman who raised her) has now told her the truth about FWW. The missing piece of information is what has she been told about her birth father?

What she is told about her birth father is her mom's decision. She was given that right when your FWW signed away her rights to the OC. If she has been led to believe that you are her birth father, then I would think you and your FWW should discuss it with her mom and make it clear that you have no desire to perpetuate the lie.

The only heart at risk here is OC. The adults in her life have known the truth all along (assuming POSOM knew).

My only first-hand experience with this is watching my husband live in torture knowing his whole life that he was adopted because his birth mom and father's rights were taken away by the state (and for good reason as we know now). So, take my opinion knowing through what lense I look through.

His adoptive parents (who meant well) turned out to have bitten off more than they could chew by adopting my husband along with his brother and sister. They gave him a good upbringing by all outward appearance, but without any love. His torture came from WANTING the love of his birth AND adoptive parents and getting none from either.

He found his birth mom at the age of 25 (under protest by his adoptive parents) and regretted it because she never owned up to her role in the destruction of his birth family. She wasn't/isn't capable of a mother's love (except in a sick twisted way). His life would have been completely different if the parents in his life had loved him.

I feel bad for your OC but her truth is up to her mom to reveal IMO.


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Originally Posted By: RMX

There is a user on here that I would love to post on my thread.
I cannot remember her name .... I remember a BW whose husband had TWO OC's with POSOW and she and her husband got full custody of the OCs? ...anyone remember her?

I think you're talking about Dealan-de?

Here. Dealan-de's "My Story"


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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We signed docs, w.and I, lawyers contacted posom for us to surrender his, I think , think, that he either signed his rights away or lost them by not contesting.


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This OC is coming for the truth and an added connection.

This OC is not stupid. She wants to talk to your younger COM because she is trying to fit the missing parts to her life story.

This OC needing the truth does not mean she wants to abandon her adoptive mom.

Knowing the truth is a valid and important need. We all here should know that finding out the truth is needed to move on with one's life.

There is no justification to trickle truth this OC.

All the adults agreed to an open adoption.

Because the adopt mom wants to lie to the OC is not a binding decision for you and your WW to tell lies.

Whether by commission
or ommission
the mission
was to be a liar.

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Android phone smile posom had to either sign the docs the lawyer sent him, or just not bother to respond and the state would step in and terminate his rights for him.


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Still no phone call, but I have 7 tickets to fiesta Texas that I have 6 weeks to find or pay for.


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If this turns out well, ill be the first mb poster to. Post a photo of all of us. On the photo thread


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Originally Posted By: RMX

This is bringing up alot of emotions that I thought I would not have. I am ashamed to admit this, but the thought of POSOM ever having anything to do with her really makes me protective. ... or jealous... or possessive? or I am just petty.

Actually I want her to look me in the eye and tell me she doesn't need to ever meet POSOM because I am a good person.

or lie and just tell me she thinks I am a good person...who happens to chain smoke when he is nervous


How does the saying go...."If wishes and buts were candies and nuts, we'd all have a fine Christmas"

This is a 13 year old girl. She won't likely be sympathetic in the least to your experience here. She's going to be focused on HER experience and how this effects her. Seeking out her bio-mom implies a search for her bio-dad too. It's not confirming or denying anyone is a "good person".

Really...she could be 23 or 33 years old and I wouldn't expect her to understand and by sympathetic towards you. You're just her bio-mom's husband. Her adoption story is about her.

Then again...children can be amazing sometimes and you could get lucky. My 13 year old daughter is sharp as a tack to nuance. Most of her friends...not so much.

In addition, perhaps a part of her is extremely interested in your youngest child because she wants to know what was special enough about her that you kept her while shipping her off for adoption. Without all the facts...that could be PART of the take away message.

Good luck,
Mr. W


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You are right as usual Mr. W


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Guys, I just want to say thankyou, you prolly don't read it enough on here.


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I'm not leaving, just wanted to show some appreciation.


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I also wanted to say...

In situations like yours was 13 years ago....I often recommend adoption as the very best outcome. This child got to grow up in a home free from all that conflict surrounding her conception and very presence. The fact you and your wife are still together and parenting your three bio-kids is a testament to how successful this was. I truly hope this 13 year old turns out to be an amazing girl such that you can be an example forever of how adoption is a great solution to this problem.

Dr. Harley is somewhat unique in his views that marriage is more important than bio-children. I've suggested adoption as a viable solution at other forums and been roundly chastised as being insensitive. Usually I find myself recommending it when it's the "other woman" who is pregnant and giving up the baby for adoption (and her connection to her married man) is the last thing she wants so instead she attacks my best recommendation as me telling her she's unfit to parent the baby (which she usually is...by reason of her choice to permit a married man to impregnate her but that's beside the point). Most people think it's all about the baby and the baby didn't do anything wrong...blah, blah, blah. However, it's the baby that has to grow up facing the consequences of his/her conception. Adoption, IMO, IS truly all about the baby best interests.

Anyway...I think you did the right thing and I hope doing the right thing pays off for you, your wife, your kids and this "other child" (and her adoptive parents).

Mr. W

p.s. - This "open adoption" issue might be creating a problem though for you, the betrayed husband. Look at the how much difficulty you are having with this? You may have been better off with a closed adoption where this girl might not have come around until she was at least an adult and able to maybe grasp the complexities involved and YOU would have been further down the road into your recovery. This is making things fresh for you....and YOU MATTER TOO. Are you sharing your feelings with your wife???? Instead of the 13 year old comforting you...perhaps your wife can.

p.p.s. - Disclaimer...I have no personal experience with adoption OR an "Other Child" experience other than what I've read on forums for the last 8 or so years. The opinions expressed are just my personal opinions.


Last edited by MrWondering; 03/21/13 10:13 AM.

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I am sharing my feelings with my wife, but there is a huggeee communication gap between us and OC. We've just spoken to the mom directly since this all has happened.

W and I are letting them make the next phone call after the pictures were sent to her (OC) moms email.

And (OC) shes 14 now. (15 in august)


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