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Thank you MB and BH!

I find myself wondering what DOC is doing at least once a day.

I didn't think my attachment to DOC could be so intense, in such a short time period, I don't have any past experiences to compare the feeling to, so its difficult to describe.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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Originally Posted By: RMX

Thank you MB and BH!

I find myself wondering what DOC is doing at least once a day.

I didn't think my attachment to DOC could be so intense, in such a short time period, I don't have any past experiences to compare the feeling to, so its difficult to describe.
I understand what you're saying. You don't need to describe it to me, because I know what you're trying to describe. I get it, RMX.I've been there, friend. I can't even describe how weird it is, how my little sister and I talk to each other. It's like we've known each other all our lives. smile This is normal. You've bonded. What a great thing this is, RMX! I am so glad to hear this! Because that tells me that you are so connected with your wife that you have accepted all of the 'twists and turns' of your life.

Please continue to foster a life with DOC. You will be helping her (and you, your wife and children) in more ways than you know. I can't tell you how fulfilling it has been for me, to have met my father and my sibs.

Good job, RMX! hurray

Last edited by maritalbliss; 06/05/13 07:27 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I've had trouble expressing my posts in the past so please forgive me if I don't make sense.

Checking in, it has been awhile since I posted an update. We've spent two Christmases with them in Mississippi (whew what a state name!!)

Our oldest child is graduating this year, and we invited OC and her parents to attend the graduation and they accepted!

Each COM got to spend undivided time with OC this trip, and they are all really close. Everytime we all get togethor we just click.

OC has met a few family members in the past, this time she got to meet ALL of the immediate family.

OC got to meet for the first time;
My sister
My BIL (her uncle)
My FIL (her grandpa)
My SMIL Step-mother (her grandma)

It was really hard to enjoy the moment without dwelling on the fact that they have to go back to their home in another state. "Live in the now" is what I keep telling myself.



Below Left to Right are;

Left to Right
Brother in Law, OC, Me!


Child #1 "booboo"
Child #4 "betbet"
OC #2 "k-k"
Child #3 "mo-mo"








Left to right, Child #1, OC, Child #3, Child #4



FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
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what a beautiful update ... blessings

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Originally Posted By: My4Loves
what a beautiful update ... blessings
It is important to understand that most attempts to integrate OCs into families results in failed recoveries and destroyed marriages, which is why Dr. Harley is so firm in his advice not to attempt it.


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Originally Posted By: mrEureka
Originally Posted By: My4Loves
what a beautiful update ... blessings
It is important to understand that most attempts to integrate OCs into families results in failed recoveries and destroyed marriages, which is why Dr. Harley is so firm in his advice not to attempt it.


Dr. Harley usually advises to go NC with WH's OC and raise WW's OC in the family. Of course, under condition that BH agrees to such an arrangement.

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"It is important to understand that most attempts to integrate OCs into families results in failed recoveries and destroyed marriages, which is why Dr. Harley is so firm in his advice not to attempt it." <-- This is true

The adoptive family has relatives who have also adopted and things did NOT turn out the same for them like it did for us.

We just got lucky with our Adoptive family. A lot of things could have gone wrong. OC could have rejected us, we could have rejected OC, the adoptive parents and us could have turned out hating each other.

It is strange how sol many of OC's mannerisms and speech remind me so much of the other kids and the wife, sometimes I wonder how much genetics contributes to a personality vs learned behavior.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
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D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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Originally Posted By: RMX
We just got lucky with our Adoptive family. A lot of things could have gone wrong. OC could have rejected us, we could have rejected OC, the adoptive parents and us could have turned out hating each other.

But MrEureka is not talking about things that could go wrong with the adoptive family:

Originally Posted By: mrEureka
It is important to understand that most attempts to integrate OCs into families results in failed recoveries and destroyed marriages, which is why Dr. Harley is so firm in his advice not to attempt it.

He explicitly cites failed recoveries and destroyed marriages.

He is talking about the risks to your marriage, not the problems that could have arisen with the adoptive family. This site is about building marriages, after all; not about the relationships between families involved in an adoption.

In a situation where an OC is born, the marriage is at high risk of failure unless extraordinary steps are taken to ensure NC with the OC's other parent (the interloper in the marriage). I believe the OM in your situation knows about the OC. Does she know his identity? Does she want to have contact with him? Does he know that she has contact with you? Does he still try to intervene in your marriage? How do you keep him out? How do you intend to keep him out if OC makes contact with him? What will you do if she starts inviting him to her birthday parties, school recitals, parents' evenings and that sort of thing?

That's the kind of risk that Mr Eureka was talking about.


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This is the kind of risk that contact with OC brings:

Originally Posted By: RMX on 23rd March 2013
Originally Posted By: SugarCane

What is this about OM tracking you down every couple of years?


OM has a habit of attempting to contact my wife to make threats or get her to talk to him. He's violent, he has three other protective orders against him. He's been in jail a few times.

He's violent, and he has been in jail. I imagine you could get another protective order against him - but his attempts to infiltrate your marriage will have a bad effect on your marriage.


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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: RMX
We just got lucky with our Adoptive family. A lot of things could have gone wrong. OC could have rejected us, we could have rejected OC, the adoptive parents and us could have turned out hating each other.

But MrEureka is not talking about things that could go wrong with the adoptive family:

Originally Posted By: mrEureka
It is important to understand that most attempts to integrate OCs into families results in failed recoveries and destroyed marriages, which is why Dr. Harley is so firm in his advice not to attempt it.

He explicitly cites failed recoveries and destroyed marriages.

He is talking about the risks to your marriage, not the problems that could have arisen with the adoptive family. This site is about building marriages, after all; not about the relationships between families involved in an adoption.


In a situation where an OC is born, the marriage is at high risk of failure unless extraordinary steps are taken to ensure NC with the OC's other parent (the interloper in the marriage). I believe the OM in your situation knows about the OC. Does she know his identity? Does she want to have contact with him? Does he know that she has contact with you? Does he still try to intervene in your marriage? How do you keep him out? How do you intend to keep him out if OC makes contact with him? What will you do if she starts inviting him to her birthday parties, school recitals, parents' evenings and that sort of thing?

That's the kind of risk that Mr Eureka was talking about.





She hasn't expressed an interest in meeting him.
He doesn't know who she is, and she doesn't know who he is.
He hasn't tried to make contact with us in a long time.
I am not sure what I'll do if OC makes contact with him, except to state that he's a violent person.
She also lives very very far from us so we can't even attend those events you mention.












Last edited by RMX; 07/21/16 07:58 PM.

FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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RMX Offline OP
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I don't think our arrangement would work at all if the AP is involved in anyway in raising the child, thankfully, OM isn't anywhere in the picture.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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