Between my fulltime job, 2 children, and assisting my wife with grad school, plus the other million daily responsibilites of life, I have just enough time to read and post here.

I will make time to read LB book.

I will make time to listen to the radio program.

Lovebusters are habits that cause your spouse to be unhappy is taken from one of the articles here. I thought that's how it was defined in the article.

I read the article about depression. Dr. Harley states: "my first item of business is to treat the depression, not the marital problems. The treatment, however, is much simpler than most people think. Anti-depressant medication is the ticket....After (s)he is treated medically for depression, focus your attention on the way you treat each other in the here and now."

HFM chooses not to pursue the initial treatment that Dr. Harley advocates.

QFT

Remember what I said about the NUMBER ONE REASON a woman is depressed?

It's her relationship with her husband.

Fix the relationship, HFD, and the odds are in your favor that YOU will fix her depression. Plus, you'll get the credit for it.

Between Markos' fulltime job, 6 KIDS, assisting and romancing his wife, and the other million daily responsibilities of life, he still found the time to do what it took for us to recover.

He's not telling you to do anything that he didn't do himself.

So, now love is the cure for anxiety and depression?

The relationship is not connected to every thing that makes her anxious or depressed.

She likes where we are, and hopefully where we're headed, much better than where we were in our marriage.

And there's still anxiety. And there's still depression....about work, family, money, etc.

In the article about depression. Dr. Harley states: "my first item of business is to treat the depression, not the marital problems. The treatment, however, is much simpler than most people think. Anti-depressant medication is the ticket....After (s)he is treated medically for depression, focus your attention on the way you treat each other in the here and now."

I am NOT trying to drug her up...and if she does not follow Dr. Harley's initial treatment recommendation for treatment, the solution is?

This is starting to veer off the mark.

By himself, or were you a willing participant with the program from the get-go?

Okay, now you are getting somewhere and researching.

But this is actually the answer for a depressed husband.

The first line for a depressed wife is to fix her relationship with her husband! Specifically, the elimination of love busters, and the spending of 15-30 hours together a week meeting the intimate emotional needs.

Prisca has been in and out of depression MANY times in our marriage. (On the order of 30 times, not just 3-4.) It always vanishes when the relationship problems (my love busters, or lack of genuine quality UA time together, or a conflict we haven't negotiated a solution to, yet) clears up.

Prisca has never been on antidepressant medication. I have, though. Taking it was a bit like Iron Man putting on his armor before jumping into that engine and just about killing himself trying to get it started by priming the pump. Kept me sane, kept me going in the face of love busters that weren't going to stop until I made a LOT of things better.

Markos is the foremost expert on the board for having a reluctant wife.

I hated MB when we first started. I hated POJA and PORA.

HFD, I had my EA AFTER we started MB. I was also very depressed.

I was not a willing participant in the least. Markos Plan A'd me for a couple years before I showed any interest. And we probably would've recovered faster if he had taken care of his lovebusters sooner.

Is seeking medical help or therapy or counseling a "conflict" that can be negotiated?

If a spouse is an alcoholic, and their behaviors due to the alcohol are destroying the marriage, is participating in AA something that is negotiated? Does that fall under POJA? And if the alcoholic spouse will not engage in negotiating, no matter how safe or pleasant the thoughtful request or non-demanding conversation or expression of emotional needs is?

Dr. Harley talks about this on his radio show. He says the number one reason a woman is depressed is because of her relationship with her husband. Fix the relationship, fix the depression.

The answer to your wife's depression is most likely: eliminate your lovebusters, meet her EN, and 15-30 hours UA.

You will find that Dr. Harley often gives different advice depending on the gender of who he is talking to.

Is your wife an alcoholic?

Well, there you go. You can't survive if you're so busy you can't follow the Policy of Undivided Attention. When he was in active practice, Dr. Harley would refuse to counsel couples who said they would not or could not find this much time. He said it was a waste of their time and his.

You are definitely underestimating UA if you think it's optional! Or if you don't think that it's a CRISIS that the time is hard to come by.

As for the power of UA time - what do you think lifts most depression in wives?


When? Have you done this, yet?

You need to reread this thread over and over again; there is important information here for you. There are recommendations that you need to review every day until you take them. Some examples:




Man, here's a great one!


Goodness yes:

I understand I must eliminate any AOs. I don't know if HFM would agree, but I think I'm an okay person for the most part with the AO being my main failing.

We probably do not get 15-20 hours of UA time a week, most likely due to the demands of grad school for HFM.

I don't recall HFM stating that I'm NOT meeting her ENs; she has not expressed this as a concern or complaint.

Even when things are going well between us, HFM can still be anxious/depressed about her job...or our children...or finances, etc.

Prisca,

No, she is not.

I didn't realize this was in any doubt. WE know that your wife's emotional needs are not being met. Are you in disagreement about this?

The top 4 needs (and some others): conversation, rec companionship, affection, SF. HFM often states that yes, I'm meeting her needs...well, outside of not "spooning" her at night at bedtime once in awhile. (actually, I do almost all nights -- but, I toss and turn during sleep and sometimes don't stay "spooned" throughout the night. We've been "negotiating " that...sorry if that's TMI).

You are not having UA. So, no, you are NOT meeting them.

And, conversely, mine are not as well, so long as we aren't committing to the 15+ hours a week?

Grad school takes up ALOT of time...but her earning an advanced degree is a good thing!

Time to have a talk about refocusing on getting that UA time from somewhere in our schedule...

Not in adequate quantities, though. We know this because you indicated you guys aren't scheduling and getting the 15 hours of time for these needs. (What luck -- her top four needs are the four needs that should be met during UA! ) We can also tell just from the sheer number of problems still extant here. If you were meeting these needs, in adequate quantities, a lot of VERY good things would start happening that aren't happening. Her behavior would be different, and would be making you a LOT happier!

Yes, it is.

You realize that Dr. Harley and Joyce religiously got their fifteen hours together per week while Dr. Harley was in grad school, right?

Do you have feelings of romantic love toward your wife?
Dr. Harley says that a typical man can have his needs met in less time -- but your wife NEEDS at least 15 hours. He also says that a man will typically be much happier if he is getting those hours, even though he can get by with less.