I would buy the books "His Needs, Her Needs," and "Love Busters" and start reading on my own.

Does she have complaints about you beyond your independent behavior? Address those first in Love Busters.

FILSIL is over overview of both, but not in as much detail. If you can, get a subscription to the radio archives. It's under $50 for the year and has a great deal of valuable insight.

Yes, she has had issues with certain things about me. She did not like that I never helped with the finance of the family. Or taking charge at cleaning the house when it needed. She hated to always tell me when to clean the house. I never showed true affection, I always geared my affection towards sexual. Not true, caring affection.

I never did the caring, loving things, I did when we were dating. I never was truly sweet and genuine after our marriage. I can't believe I never saw any of this and it took me creating a secret life, and hiding it from her to finally see this.

Do you not make a good living? Is this what she means by not helping with the finances?

Domestic Support is often an Emotional Need for men. Does your wife have this EN? Dr. Harley often stresses that men and women have different standards when it comes to keeping house. This is where the Five Steps workbook would come in handy, if your wife comes on board.

In the meantime, ask her to let you know if something is bothering her about the house that you could help with, that you don't always see what needs to be done, but you are happy to do what it will take.

What you are discovering through MB is what many people have discovered: that it takes the creation of good habits for a lifetime to keep love alive; however, it doesn't take much to kill the love in marriage.

I felt she got upset when I did not help balance the check book. Or keep records of my spending along the way. I have started to change that. I asked her when she was going to balance our checkbook so I could help. She agreed and we got it knocked out in no time. I felt very good that I could help her with that.

I am going on two weeks of positive change and it feels great. I know she still has a fence up against me but last night her feet hurt so I offered to massage them to help. She agreed and that was the first physical contact we have had since she discovered my secret life online.

We've created a weekly chores list for things to be done on certain days around the house. The list really helps me know what I could be doing on a daily basis to keep the house in order.

Heading into week 3 of my positive behavior change. I have never felt better. The EPs are helping so much. No temptations at home since I leave my computer at work. My wife and I went shopping for a new computer together. I will not want to know the password when we decide on which one to get.

The days are nice, I really enjoy every second I am with my wife and children. We are joking and talking about moments in our marriage that brought us joy and laughter. I continue to make cognitive efforts to meet her ENs everyday.

My only concern is last night she brought up the idea of selling the house and buying two townhouses in the same neighborhood. I asked her if we could discuss it later since one of our sons was still up. Though after we put our son to bed, she never brought it back up. We enjoyed a night of watching one of our favorite TV shows. Earlier in the day, I helped her clean our bathroom from top to bottom. While cleaning, she mentioned that she was wanting to get the rooms cleaned in case we decided to sell the house. I was caught off guard and didn't respond, I just keep cleaning.

Should I be concerned about this or could she just be using this as a way to hurt me? Our days are amazing, we are a family, a husband and wife. We communicate, connect, and enjoy each other. But at night we continue to go to bed in separate bedrooms.

Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark

Just keep filling her love bank.

Is DS one of her top ENs? What are her top ENs?

Her top 5 are as folllowed:

Honesty and openness
Intimate Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Family Commitment
Financial Support

Knowing this, I have been open about what I do everyday. Every detail I can think of I tell her. I always ask how her day at work was and always ask questions to find out more about her job (she has excepted a new position). She doesn't seem too interested in recreational companionship at the moment. I would suggest things to do but she wouldn't seem interested in doing them. She says I do a great job with family commitment. For financial support, I always help with anything she needs. I am always asking if there is anything I can do to help.

Recently she asked me if she could go on a float trip this summer with some friends. I agreed that she could (I'm in no position to hold her back). But I did ask who was going. She explained a few friends from work were going. I had a feeling that wasn't the whole story but I let it go. I must confess, I went through her text messages last night and discovered she had texted another man (former coworker) to see if he was going. He confirmed he was going on the float trip as well.

I am extremely nervous about this. Should I be? Is she just trying to hurt me with this?

I told her last night before we went to go sleep in separate bedrooms that I loved her, I know she has every right to leave me, I hope she doesn't because we have a bright future together. She said that was easy for me to say. I left it at that and did not push the matter anymore.

STOP!
You should NOT tell her it's okay to spend nights or time away with opposite sex on a Float Trip!
That is NOT plan A! That's plan Doormat!

You should immediately tell her that "I feel that we should not go on any trips alone, including the float trip"

Don't be a doormat!

It appears she is moving away from you emotionally. I would guess that it is difficult for you to make requests of her at this time as you don't want to push her away.

However, you are still married. While you are still M, neither of you should have opposite sex friends. This trip sounds very dangerous. She is very vulerable right now.

Ok, so do I discuss tonight how if at all possible I would like to join her on the float trip? Maybe discuss how it might allow us to reconnect as husband and wife on the trip? How do I approach this matter without getting her upset?

Why do you think that she would not be interested in MB?

"Babe, How would you feel if there was a way for us create a great M together which we are both happy and never hurt each other again?"

I have discussed MB with her before but she says it is just one person's opinion. She didn't seem interested.

Another thing, should I go back to calling her "babe, or honey"? Would that help make love deposits? Should I go back to telling her I love her everyday when she leaves for work or when we end a conversation on the phone?

Complaining is good. Expressing yourself is a great idea. Dr Harley recommends it. Having boundaries is fantastic.

The key is to never be disrespectful or judgmental while you are talking with her.

You are still married. Right? Until the time in which a D is final, you should both be each other�s favorite Recreational Companion. Try to spend ALL your leisure time together to become best friends again.

Either of you going away for a weekend, or an evening�whatever.. without the other is a bad idea. Especially for her.

Somehow you both need to only allow the other to make LB deposits. That is how romantic love is restored.

Somehow expressing your feelings in a positive way needs to be done. Do not be a doormat. Be strong. Most likely she has lost respect for you. I would encourage you to find ways to build respect back. No woman wants to be with a wimpy man they don�t respect. Not saying you are..just a reminder.

"didn't SEEM intersted" = disrespectful judgement. Let her be the one to decide. Don't assume anything at this stage.

Impossible to know from this end how she would respond to pet names. Only you can decide that.

However, IF you can get her on board with MB, you can turn this corner.

How about letting her read the basic concepts on this site?
Give her a heads up on the basis of the program.

It teaches, love, respect, Love, mutual fullfilling, Romantic Love, always taking the other's feelings into consideration, love, Each decision being mutually agreeable... you get the idea.

"IF there was a way to be madly in love with me, would you want that? If you were getting all of your EN's met by me, where you were completly fulfilled, does that sound like something that would make you happy? If there was a way for me to never do the things that make you upset, would you think it is a good idea?"

Sell her on the CONCEPTS first.

-one person's opinion that has saved thousands of marriages

-one person's opinion that is a leading expert on restoring and maintaing romatic love

-one person's opinion that has published 18 books on M

-one person's opion that has over 40 years of proven results.


Sounds like his opinions might be pretty solid..eh?
Not some random guy off the street!

Ok, I feel I should have the float trip discussion tonight, discuss MB with her (possible getting a book together). And encourage to spend more time together as husband and wife. I hope she will be open to discussion and not get upset or angry with me. I want to take the right steps everyday to get our marriage moving in the right direction.

There are subtle ways to go about it without being blunt. Just be cool about it without being demanding. You can find the words! Just plan for your conversations and make them safe and enjoyable.

How about just setting up as many dates per week as possible?
"what do you think about doing____ on thursday night?"
"I was wondering if you might be interested in doing ____ on Saturday"

Do you have a babysitter? Can you get one?

The rule of UA - 15hrs a week meeting each other�s most important EN's is EXACTLY what you need right now!

Get out of the house and have FUN together. Associate you with happiness and smiles!

So you think she will be upset with you for being nice to her?

Be upset with you for trying to be an awesome guy and spend time with her?

Be upset with you for doing your darndest to make her happy?