hello, I am new here. I just wanted to share something and get some words of advice. I have been with my husband for 6 years. this is my first marriage but his second. he has two children, ages 17 & 20. his ex left him for another man. and moved this other man into the house two days after she had him kicked out. his ex had done a lot of damage (emotionally) years ago, turned the kids against him, she had done countless things to hurt my husband, from lying to have him removed from his job in handcuffs, trying to run me over with her car, keying my car, not paying mortgage payments and losing the house (with my husbands name still on the house), trying to get him fired... i could go on.

my husband and I have a 2 year old and one on the way in the fall. he has a relationship with his children now. he drives them to and from work, brings them dinner, has been paying child support for every moment he wasn't there. he tries very hard to stay active in their lives. they wont have much to do with me. although I do try to let them know I am here for them.

recently he has come to me with this: his ex, and two kids are taking a 2 day trip to take his daughter to a college orientation. the trip is 9 hours long. they would be travelling in the same car, staying in the same hotel. no doubt having meals together...

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this. my husband and I have seen our share of struggles. just when things were getting really good again... this happens.

can I get your honest opinion on how I should handle this? am I wrong to be feeling resentful and left out? thanks in advance~

LCMomma, it is a bad idea for him to have any contact with his XW. We have had a multitude of affairs start just that way. So your instincts are correct that this is not a good idea.

There are a few glaring problems in your marriage that are bigger than this one issue. These conditions are causing this problem and will cause more in the future.

The first is his continued contact with his XW and the second is that you are not taking each others feelings into consideration when you make decisions. Decisions about his children - or anything - should be made with mutual enthusiastic agreement. For example, since you are not enthusiastic about him going on this trip as described, you should negotiate until you find a solution that makes you BOTH happy. And I don't mean capitulation on your part. Capitulation is a renters strategy that will only cause conflict and unhappiness in your marriage. That is how couples become incompatible.

What is troubling is that your husband made plans for this without ever consulting with you.

Marriage Builders has a rule about ex-lovers, including ex-spouses: never see or talk to a former lover again. When he married you, he should have been in Plan B with his ex-wife, with all communications about the children going through an intermediary.

You are absolutely correct in your gut feeling about this. A foundational truth in MB is the Policy of Joint Agreement, which is "never do anything without your spouse's enthusiastic agreement." This means that since any decision one spouse makes affects the other spouse, both spouses need to consider the others feelings in everything they do.

Note: you might consider notifying the moderators and asking that your thread be moved to MB 101, rather than the divorced/divorcing forum. You ARE divorced, but you are now remarried.

thank you for the replies. as a first time visitor to the site, and upon searching more... I may be in the wrong forum. I do appreciate the advice. thank you.

hello, I am new here. i posted this in another forum but i hope its ok I repost here.

I just wanted to share something and get some words of advice. I have been with my husband for 6 years. this is my first marriage but his second. he has two children, ages 17 & 20. his ex left him for another man. and moved this other man into the house two days after she had him kicked out. his ex had done a lot of damage (emotionally) years ago, turned the kids against him, she had done countless things to hurt my husband, from lying to have him removed from his job in handcuffs, trying to run me over with her car, keying my car, not paying mortgage payments and losing the house (with my husbands name still on the house), trying to get him fired... i could go on.

my husband and I have a 2 year old and one on the way in the fall. he has a relationship with his children now. he drives them to and from work, brings them dinner, has been paying child support for every moment he wasn't there. he tries very hard to stay active in their lives. they wont have much to do with me. although I do try to let them know I am here for them.

recently he has come to me with this: his ex, and two kids are taking a 2 day trip to take his daughter to a college orientation. the trip is 9 hours long. they would be travelling in the same car, staying in the same hotel. no doubt having meals together...

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this. my husband and I have seen our share of struggles. just when things were getting really good again... this happens.

can I get your honest opinion on how I should handle this? am I wrong to be feeling resentful and left out? thanks in advance~

LC,

Not in a million years should your H have contact of any kind with his exW! She should not email, call, IM, Skype, mail, facebook, linkedin or any other conceivable method of communicating with him. This is NOT NEGOTIABLE!

There is a very good chance her relationship with the OM is falling apart badly now and she is looking to scheme back in with he exBH.

His children are old enough to have a relationship with their father completely independent of their mother.

God Bless
Gamma

thank you Gamma.