There is to be no more discussion of who has it worse or any other non MB advice on this thread. The purpose of our forum is to understand and learn Marriage Builders concepts. It is not a platform to share personal opinions. Doing so is disruptive and serves to prevent posters from getting the help they need.

Sorry, I actually posted my last comment while you were posting. It won't happen again.

******No problem writer1. Your MB knowledge & support is appreciated!**** JustUss

Thank you Gamma!

By no means am I trying to minimize the damage I caused...but, the reason I feel so horrible about this is greatly because prior to this, never in my wildest thoughts would I have ever thought of doing such a thing! As a matter a fact, when I was single, to know a man had a child with another woman was an immediate turn-off and lost complete interest in a man, I never wanted to marry or even be with a man with a family not even separated with children...many times a was approached by married men, and I would cut them off immediately, in fact my reply was always, "if you have no respect for your family, I do..." It's hurtful to think how I put my guard down and put myself in this situation, and let my family down in this degrading and humiliating way, but mostly my BH...

From this whole experience, you bet, I will never be the same, never again will I trust outside my home again...when I started working for the company I'm working for now, of course there are always those gentlemen who are looking for friendships with women and are "open books" so to speak as my co-workers call it...when they started talking more about their "bad marriages", and how sour things are between them and their wifes, and they start getting very open to tell the ladies in the office they sleep in separate rooms and all they put up from their wifes, I cut that off immediately and I tell them to wash their dirty laundry at home, not at the office, I'm very blunt, whereas before, I never saw anything wrong with casual conversations since we spent to much time at work, but after this experience, I have set higher boundaries and I do go home every night and give a recap to my BH of what my day was and talked and all the details you can imagine...before me and my BH never talked during the day nor would we ever discussed our workday, alot has changed for both and I'm thankful that things are moving in a direction for our good, but we are both in this together and moving forward at the same pace. I have learned a lot, regret everything I have done, but I know as long as we keep moving in the same direction we will overcome this sooner than we thought...

My BH is starting to look at the posts with me and reading on MB also...I'm very happy about this, because we are doing great and I believe now our marriage could be better than it ever was!

Right ON!!!
Hi Mr. Betty!! Welcome to MB.
Let us know what you think so far.

Opt

What's the latest Betty, and Mr. Betty?
How are tings going? Have you tried some strategies? How is your UA? Is everyone reading threads/posts? Have you listened to the radio show?
What can we do to help?
opt

Good day all! Checking back after a couple of months...I cannot thank you enough all enough for your advice. We have made enormous progress since D-Day. We have both used MB resources to rebuild the romance between us, open communication and honesty above all. As a couple and a family we are moving forward on the right path.

The most difficult issue to overcome for me is the guilt, regret and not being able to take my actions back...there are times when I just depressed over this and I feel I cannot bare the shame at times. My H has been wonderful, and supportive, and keeps on reminding me he has forgiven me and has decided to move forward and hopes that soon I will not be so hard on myself and forget about what happened and embrace our new life together. I firmly believe that forgiving myself will not come easy...we have focused on our love life as a married couple. We are spending more time as a family, busier with our sons and their activities and overall we have improved significantly our quality of life and time as a family as a result.

I cannot thank you all enough for your support and you are all a true blessing in my life.

Thanks for the update Betty and happy it's a good update.

thanks for the update. I am sorry I didn't see it sooner - I haven't been checking this board.

You can thank us by following the MB path. Not the "right" path.
Have you implemented POJA? Have you implemented UA - 15-20 hours/week?
Remember, at one time you thought you were on the "right" path - and disaster struck. Consult an expert when your own methods don't get the results you hoped for.

Try to get your husband to come here and post.
The guilt you feel is real and takes actions and time to go away, just like actions and time will eventually help your BS to rebuild trust -- not words, actions and time. You let yourself down -- yourself is not letting you off the hook with good intentions; prove to yourself (and to your husband) what your character is with actions reapeated over time.

There is a tendency to have a period of euphoria after the WS has "returned" , but if you are not careful (and have a specific plan), you will eventually sink back into the old habits that got you where you were. Not this month or next month, but even a couple years from now. When you least expect it.

Take the opportunity to develop skills and truly AffairProof your marriage.

opt

Hello everyone!!!

I am having an issue...me and my H are doing great, we are better than ever before, we have worked hard and diligently and I have done and keep doing everything on my part to make him feel at peace and that he can trust me, I have followed all the advise and I have read on MB books and from others posts I have read. This has been a life changing resource to me and my marriage. However, I have an unexpected situation and don't know what to think of it...OM is back, he recently ran into my aunt and played victim and said everything to her that I got him fired and that I do not allow him to see OC and he really misses OC and desperately wants to see him! My aunt did not know how to react and told him she was not aware of anything and she said to my mom she actually felt sorry for the guy because she felt he really wanted to see OC and gave her his cell number to hand to my mom and asked my aunt to tell my mother to call him!!! I talk to my mom and admitted to everything I did to him and that I regretted how I reacted, but that was the past and I asked her to not call him and disregard his message. I told her in his last letter of him to me he expressed himself in a negative way about her an now he needs her???? After everything that happened I cannot ever see this man again nor talk to, with regards to OC, too bad, OC has a dad and family. This guy stole money from me and I let that go as well as everything else. I dodn't know what to make of this or what to think of this, it's been more than a year since he last saw OC and several months now that completely cut-off all communication with him, expose the truth to my H and dealt with all of this...I have come accept all my wrongdoing and have moved forward with my H and children and now this??? I talked to my H and informed him of what happened, he said to disregard and if he attempted to talk to anyone to please refer OM to him and he would talk to OM and set the record straight, he said the same thing to my mom and aunt, because whatever his intentions are they are not good, the fact that he is talking to the "vulnerable" and "gullible" women and not my dad or brother or any other man in the family to him tells how sneaky and deceitful OM is being...I'm starting to become concerned and maybe for no reason....please advice!

You did the right thing and I think it's fantastic that your DH will talk to OM if need be.

Tell your mom to not call OM and to let it go, again. Also tell your aunt that the next time he tries to manipulate her to say. "I will not be passing any messages on."

Does OM know where you live? Are there any holes you need to plug?

Thank you for your advice!

OM does know where I live...when my H wrote to him, he mentioned if he ever knew or found out about him stalking our home he would press charges and put a restraining order in place. I doubt he will come around and risk getting into legal problems, which is why I think he approached my aunt and wanted to contact my mother. I will let my aunt know just in case this happens again, to let OM know, that she will not be delivering any messages to no one. My mother agreed not to cross words with OM and do the same and disregard any requests.

I firmly believe all the wholes are plugged and I intend to keep them as such. I know this is not a person that I could ever even consider crossing words with and it makes me feel safe to know my H is willing to talk to this person if needed to. I suggested moving, however because of our children and family my H doesn't want to move, he feels as if we are running away from a situation which is no longer a situation to either one of us. He wants our lives to go on an keep moving forward without any regard for OM and everything else that happened in the past...

Betty,

If you have not done so, please inform your all your family members of what happened and the dishonest and criminal character of this OM.

If I understand correctly you do not have an ordinary OM, but a manipulative and selfish OM who will use anyone for anything, and who has learned how to charm and psychologically enslave women.

In my experience this is a dangerous type because he will continue to see you as his for the rest of his life.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you Gamma! We started to inform our family about this, just because if he had the nerve to approach my aunt in such a deceitful manner we do not doubt he will approach anyone else, of course with the exception for my H or any other men in my family. I think Brainhurts is right, letting it go is the best thing I can do and completely disregard what happen, but take the necessary measures to make myself and H remain on the same page and not jeopardize the trust we just started rebuilding between us.

Thank you for your advice, I always learn new things here, never in my mind would I have considered the type of OM this person could be or is...I have gone through a lot to get to the point where am I today, not to mentioned facing my own selfishness and the coward I was for all that I did wrong, and how full of hate and anger I was. It has taken a lot to get to where I am today with my H and family and even with myself...thank you again and I never get tired of reading on this site, I always learn something new and this has given the strength that I needed to pull through the toughest moments after the DDAY...

Gamma, I think this IS the ordinary OM.

Betty!
Great to see you here reporting in. I'm so encouraged that you are implementing MB principles into your life together. Do you listen to the radio show? Have you ever thought of calling in to see if Dr. Harley might have any specific advice to you?

You have a great husband there and I like his approach to the OM -- "stay away or there will be serious consequences." Good man.

I agree with what the others have said about having another go-around with all family members explaining the situation and how this tiger has no real intention of changing his stripes, even with the crocodile tears and puppy-d-dog eyes.

opt

Thank you Opt!

Recently the OM sent an email blank with this as the subject, "How would you feel if one of your children is taken away from you!!!"...he email me at work and I forward this to my husband...I cannot help feeling disturbed and sad, because of OC...then again I feel he's once again using OC just to disturb our peace and just to harm me...I expressed this to my husband, but I have no feelings for this man, other than guilt and shame for placing my child in this position and I see this as the consequences of my actions, but nonetheless it makes me feel really bad for my husband, OC and older sons...I need some advice please on what to do and how to handle this, I'm ignoring and letting go, but deep down I feel horrible for my family...

Kind regards,
betty

Can you block OM's email at your work?

Have you considered changing jobs so that OM won't know where you work or how to contact you?

You may also want to consider moving far away so OM won't know where you live.

The OM in my case lives 3000 miles away. I can't imagine trying to make a situation like this work if you still live close to the OM and he knows where you work and can contact you at any time.

The best way to deal with this is to close all of those loopholes so he won't be able to contact you anymore.

OM's email has been blocked...I had recently started my new job, so I had not considered changing jobs...also because of the things that happened I honestly felt pretty confident OM would leave me alone for good. He stole money from me just to name something in addition to a lot of other things, which my H is aware of...I honestly believed he would leave, because there is nothing here for him, he's not from my city and for him to start coming around it bothers me a lot. My H and I are very close, we have moved on with our lives with total disregard for this person, but my H is hoping that this man comes face to face with him to set the record straight, but he's going about everything in a very deceitful and sneaky way. In all fairness, I don't think no one deserves none of this and we feel awful for his BW. We do not wish to contact her as to avoid the scandal and drama, we don't want none of that anymore, we are done... As far as OC, me and my H honestly believe his intentions are not sincere at all and that he is just trying to disturb our peace using OC as an excuse once again. My H and myself agreed we would not allow OM to intrude in OC's life and disturb our children't lives. I have done all that I can and will continue as I have, focused on my family and children. My H doesn't not want to move, and we continue to live our lives normal and not hiding things, but in full honesty. I cannot help feeling sad at moments, because this happens when things are going great for our family, first he approaches my aunt and wants to talk to my mother and we ignore and then this...I feel awful for my H and OC, because ultimately I feel completely guilty and responsible for placing them in this position...

Kind regards,
betty

Why do you feel bad for your OC?
I can tell you that my daughter (OC) is thriving. I am so happy I've had a chance to raise her as I know she would not have had such a great life without me, in spite of EVERYTHING. Not that I'm that great, but I'm confident I have done a better job raising her than anyone in the world. I think your husband takes the same attitude, from what you say about him.

Has he read my OC thread? Have you. Our situations are similar.
opt

Sure, you have "responsibility" for this stuff. Fine. You've taken responsibility. Now take responsibility for creating the best life for yourself and your family you possibly can -- most likely better than if none of this ever happened.

[I know that's what you've been doing. I'm just reminding you.:)]
Feeling "sad" is not helping anyone cope. OM is just doing his thing; you can continue to make yourself impervious to his antics by living in the truth.

Part of the discomfort in your situation right now, in my view, is that you missed a step in the process:
You either have not exposed fully (e.g. to the BW), or have failed to re-expose all these extra activities. The BW needs to know how her husband is behaving. It's only fair.
And it's no more a scandal or drama than you or anyone else makes it. It's the truth.
If you really want to embrace the truth, ask the BW to tell her husband to leave you and your family alone. Cordially, respectfully, and politely. No drama, no scandal. You have every right and responsibility to continue to expose this situation to all involved.

This is how to take responsibility for your situation and the harm you have caused.

You can do this. It will put an end to a lot of your discomfort.

If you or your husband don't agree, please email Dr. Harley; in fact please consider doing this anyway. He will help you for sure. My wife and I were on the show just last week. It's so enlightening to talk to him. There's nothing he hasn't seen.

And, of course, POJA everything. I would also be interested to hear your husbands thoughts. please encourage him to come here.



opt